Give yourself a visual clue. How about a rubber band on your wrist. Safety pin a note on that rubber band that says 'look at the big picture' or 'can you live like this or not?' or 'she has lied to you 26 times'...whatever works to keep you reminded what you're really dealing with.

Have you done anything toward treating your addiction?

Talked to many friends and coworkers.

I’d agree that there was and is a mild/moderate addiction to gaming.

I was feeling desperate and over exaggerating the truth. I don't have an uncontrollable desire to play.

My issue was time management mostly. I'd go to work, do college work there and at home, and play games because my wife was often so busy I started adjusting to use my time for myself expecting she would say when she was available. Eventually I just kept playing even when she was available because she’d fill her time with her own things. (We both failed there.)

I DID have an unhealthy level of time spent gaming and thinking about it. I did think about it inappropriately though. In the midst of company or social gatherings I’d be thinking about some gaming thing and failing to be present. Sometimes I’d be asked what I was thinking and would honestly say and it would be about gaming when everyone is talking about broccoli.

A key problem is that I've realized my wife was an enabler and a poor communicator of her needs. This led to me playing games without recognizing there was a problem. She expected me to "notice" on my own. Which is something I'm willing to put effort into now.

Now that she's more than willing to emphasize my failings I'm listening and self correcting.

Right now I'm only gaming 5 hours a week. This weekend was the first time in two months that I spent most of the weekend gaming. Each day though I went out with my friends and spent several hours away from the computer socializing with them.

When/if my WW comes around I'll be using Harleys methods of determining how we spend time together to manage my gaming. If she doesn't want to have any part in it we'll find something else we both want to do together.

Talked to my wife some last night on the phone. She's annoyingly forceful when I tell her I don't want to talk and still talks.

She didn't like Dr Harleys idea of being happy in the first marriage. She interpreted it as a "MUST" be happy in the first marriage rather than wouldn't it be better? Although she quoted the “better” part so she heard him.

She even told him that she wanted a divorce so she could pursue the other relationship.

She had to [censored] for some reason that he talked to her for 80 minutes rather than only 30-45 minutes. Idiot. I was happy for the value when he gave me all that time.

She said she wants to end our marriage amicably and be friends. She's turning around again and going back to the lets be friends bit where the previous week she was in the "I won't want to be your friend because you told my parents about the adultery." I wonder if she got the divorce papers for adultery.

She also keeps assuming my position. Telling me that the only reason I don't want to divorce is that I don't want to have to look for someone else.

She wanted one of our wedding items, our unity candle because her Aunt said she should have it and not because she originally wanted it. I told her flat out "No, I'm not giving it to you." And her response turned crying, "Why can't she have any of the wedding stuff that was made for us? Do I think she doesn't care?" I told her that I would rather talk about that in person. Which was an indirect way of saying, "Yes, I don't think you care."

She also told me that she has my new apartment address and that when I updated my address with my bank it displayed it for her too. So now I’m pissed. She can more easily have papers served to me now.

I wish I knew if it was Dr Harley that has made her…discussion oriented. She’s still fogged though.

She ended the conversation talking to me about her dog and how much he's grown since I've been away. Talking all sweet and conversationally.

This comment takes the CAKE.... In other words, you're too lazy (or something) to look for a woman to replace your WIFE



Sorry, DJ here, she seems really dumb to me.

Yea, she's doing an outstanding job of demonstrating her intellect to me. Over and over. Cause, you know, she's amazing because she's looking for new people during our marriage!

Below is bitching and points just for the hell of talking about it.

To support her, she is a Choir teacher and a fine one at that.

It's just when it comes to us she's a poon. She is an outstanding oral speaker and accomplished in writing and literature but I'm starting to realize that she is one dimensional. She does music vocals very well but doesn’t do anything else a fraction as well. She can transcribe music but doesn’t exercise composition. She doesn’t “create” she just mimics music albeit very well. She wrote a book but when it got turned away she didn’t get back to the grindstone to make it publishable. She just lamented it’s failure and let it sit even though I gave her a full year of no work to put an effort into the novel. I asked to have time to work on my degree and not work and she denied me.

I won't boast that I'm amazing, but she carries that and her teaching a little too greatly. She thinks she is outstripping me in life because she is working on her Masters and teaching. Ironically, I've been working towards my bachelors for the last year with seven courses under my belt and working full time. All A's in my courses and only failed the most recent one being Algebra and completed a second course next to it at the same time with an A. I’ve also got 8-9 years of System Administration experience under my belt. She has 1 year of teaching and many, many, part time jobs that she holds up as some great accomplishment that proves her work ethic to be employed. All of them ever netted 14k at the highest any given year over three years. I netted 32k in my job and supported her and our lavish lifestyle of eating out and having fun.

And her reasons for not wanting our marriage are all arguable. Except she won't hear the arguments nor allow me to present them. She just fires twenty arguments at once and I have to select one and then we get into a round robin concerning that one point that isn’t even accurate. So I've learned to ignore the points as much as I want to argue them. Unfortunately she's of the crowd that if you don't speak up it must be true.

Son of a [censored] this woman is pissing me off now. She actually believes that everything I've done so far is "skulking."

Simply because I don't talk to her about what I'm doing. Talking to her family, moving out of my home, etc.

And she still believes that the affair is OLD news and doesn't have any impact on anything and thus does not count as reason for my actions!

Um, why should you move out? Why not her? she should be the one to move out if she hates you so much and wants SO BADLY to be the one to get away from the "skulker."

So question. If she feels that I'm skulking and I want to expose wider, would it aid her perception if I told her before I did it?

We're living apart at the moment. Two different apartments now, but I'm still trying.

She wants the unity candle?

and the aunt is backing her up?

No! But it would aid her ability to spin things into you being a raving lunatic who will stop at nothing to destroy her...

If you were going to use the most powerful weapon in your arsenal, why would you tell her before you fire it? It would be like calling the enemy to tell him you plan to launch an attack at 11:30 Tuesday morning. Or like a cop calling someone to tell them a week in advance that he will be there with a search warrant.

Exposure is not a threat, it is a gun. Only take it out if you intend to shoot it and don't warn them in advance. You don't threaten to expose; you expose or not. Yes it will make her mad. Yes she will call you all sorts of things. Yes it will bring the wrath of God down on your head...(at least it will seem like that.) Ignore what she says...

If exposure is still part of your plan, just do it all at once. You can't expose to one person and check to see if she changed her mind yet and then call the next one on your list if she hasn't. Exposure doesn't work like that. It is like when you first begin to learn to play a guitar. The first time you play you get blisters on your fingers. They hurt, you wait for them to heal and play again. You do it often enough and you begin to build up calluses and now playing no longer hurts your fingers and you don't get blisters any more.

If you expose, then wait for her to recover, then expose a little more and back off again, then try to expose again she gets used to it as well as coming up with her own plan to counter what you are doing. She will go to everyone before you get there and tell them that you have lost your mind and that is why she is leaving you...She'll add that OM has nothing to do with it...Just like she tries to make you believe. You bought into it at first and so will everyone else...

What did Steve say regarding further exposure?

Didn't he want you to write a letter to her? Did you get that done?

Have you been working on a real Plan B letter? (You can post it here for input and comments before you send it to her.)

Mark

After 33 pages into your thread you actually have the audacity to ask that Q when you have been advised to absoluteltly NOT warn about exposure, about 100 times, I would say, sure, go for it.

Go ahead with your plan Monc, because it's gotten you so far down the road to R so far.

And of corse your "still trying." Trying it YOUR way as opposed to the MB narrow path for Recovery.

How's that working for you?

I personally, give up.

Perhaps so should you, if your ears are closed.

All Blessings,
Jerry

DO NOT WARN HER
DO NOT WARN HER
DO NOT WARN HER
DO NOT WARN HER
DO NOT WARN HER
DO NOT WARN HER

You should absolutely, positively not....ever, under any of the planets, not even if she begged you to, WARN HER ABOUT IT!

When you have a big bomb that could wipe out your enemies, do you say "HEY I HAVE A BIG BOMB THAT'LL WIPE YOU OUT?"

Monc, GOOD GRIEF!
When are you going to grow a pair?

Stop worrying about what she thinks!

She has already chosen to screw another man!

Why should you give a crap what she thinks you're doing?!!!!!!

Stand up for yourself and stop looking like such a pansy.

Get on the phone - RIGHT NOW - and work your way down your entire list of family and friends and call them and tell them what she is STILL doing!

Jeez...

Grow a pair. I think I know where the old Pom went... :crosseyedcrazy:

YOU NEED TO STOP LETTING YOUR WIFE WALK ALL OVER YOU!

I had talked to steve again this last Thursday myself.

He said that further exposure past parents in the case of having no children can create a feeling of irepairable damage to the social relationship. He also said that it is very easy for two people without children to part ways and never see each other again and that putting too much pressure from exposure can be bad.

He's told me to work the angle of "us" being happy and that is what I'm aiming for. I wish I had this last conversation last time we spoke because I'd have had better answers for my wife in our recent conversations.

My wife recently decided that she won't talk to me unless I sign the lopsided divorce papers... So I'm kinda laughing because I was about to do Plan B because she has resisted any efforts on my part to Plan A.

I'm still doing Plan B shortly just to set the tone from my perspective and as my last effort to Plan A a little. I'm going to write a love letter that accompanies the Plan B letter. I'm writing both and borrowing from another poster here and will post them for viewing soon enough.

From rod24773 letter which I thought was so great I'm borrowing it essentially verbatum.


WW, it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you. It is truly sad to see what has happened to us and to our marriage and our families. The decision I now make is out of a necessity to spare what I can of the love I have for you.

I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. I failed to allow you a loud enough voice in the decisions concerning our marriage. I didn’t acknowledge your needs, seek them out, nor take them seriously enough at times. I failed to listen when I should. I being human do not fully understand all the things in our marriage that I failed in but am willing to learn and rectify them.

I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain an environment that has made your affair possible and allowed it to continue. I too had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgment, I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other. I lost sight of the importance of you as a wife. Now I know I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in meeting them. I am willing to forgive mistakes you have made just as you should forgive those made by me.

I have had a most difficult time in the last 3 months. There has been pain and hurt in this time knowing you are with someone else. These times I have spent learning to mend my failings. The pain and hurt, even though causing me great anguish, has let me realize the inner strength I really possess. The dual nature of hurt and strength makes a conflict that now leads me to an inescapable conclusion. This conclusion, I will hold firm to, as I have learned my strength will only be in my resolve.

WW, this decision I make, I do not make lightly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the love I have for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of this affair. The continued pain has become an unhealthy part of my learning to be the best possible husband to the one I love. As soon as you can fully, permanently, and unconditionally separate from OM and are willing to commit to measures to verify that separation, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage.

Until then, I will not be able to communicate with you. I will avoid seeing you or speaking to you. I will avoid all communications in any form. You can contact me through (Family Friend). I won't be able to accept any calls, texts, emails, or letters from you, but (Family Friend) will forward anything important to me.


I want US, not me alone and not you alone, but us to rebuild our marriage. We need to build a new lifestyle including everything that can be done to make us Both happy. I know it is possible for our marriage to flourish, and have no more separations in body or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a husband that any woman would be proud to have as a spouse.

WW, I want to grow old with you. When I said “I DO,” I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for life. I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover. I loved you more than life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. I want us together to someday watch our future children grow and flourish.

The path home is a simple one. When you are ready to choose to recover the marriage as one just leave OM, never contact him again, and call me to let me know your affair is over. I will be willing to discuss our future together as a whole and healthy family unit without judgment or anger.

Your loving spouse and best friend,



-Monc

One does not send a love letter with or include a love letter within a plan B letter.

Tear that up. Use this:


Dear Wife,
I can no longer bear to look at you without wanting to throw up. All I see is you with OM. So, to preserve any last feelings I have left for you, I am removing myself from your vicinity. I will no longer speak to you in any form. If you need to contact me, contact ABC (#: XXX), who will forward any pertinent information to me and back to you if necessary.

If you decide you want our marriage back, I'm willing to listen. But first you will have to agree to the following safety (of my heart) measures:
Never contact OM again and never strike up another friendship with another male without my consent.
Write a NC letter which I approve and send myself.
Provide me every password, URL, email, and any other form of electronics you use to contact the outside world; I will monitor this all at will to ensure you are not again cheating.
Never go anywhere without me or that I don't approve of, for the rest of our marriage.
Sign a post-nup agreement that states that if you stray again, you will forfeit any claim to any of our joint assets.
Attend therapy to my satisfaction.

Until you are willing to accept these demands, I will have no choice but to believe you are still lying to me, and I can have nothing to do with you. When you are ready to work on our marriage under these conditions, let ABC know.