I have another thread on this forum regarding WS discrediting me but thought I should ask this question on a new thread because I'm really desperate for some help "tonight". If you've been keeping up with my "discredit" thread you know my story so I won't start over with it but as I said in that thread, when I told WS about the police coming and questioning me tonight about keying the OW's car lastnight, he basically stood up for her. As I said, he told me my lawyer would probably be glad to hear from me in the morning because he had some things to talk to me about and I finally got him to at least tell me that my lawyer is going to be talking to me about my behavior! I am thinking that perhaps he has told his lawyer that if I don't quit telling people he is having an affair and with whom, etc, he is going to sock it to me in court - perhaps try to take our kids so that he has full custody of them, perhaps try to have me thrown out of the house but not let me take the kids with me......I have no idea what he may do or to what lengths he is willing to go to get back at me for telling people about his A and the OW. I can't talk to my lawyer until morning but I did talk to a lawyer who is a friend of the family tonight and he advises me not to do anything that will make WH angry. Not to tell people things that will make WH mad(der). That the more I tell, the madder WH will get and the more he will try to get back at me in court. I know what the books say here - I have to expose.....that's my only hope of getting WH back. But I admit to being terrified of what he will do to me and I don't mean physically. He knows that if he physically hurts me he is done!! I mean with his lawyer.....I fear of his anger taking over so that he tries to take the kids and anything else he can to get back at me. And then.....every day that goes by and WH treats me like crap and breaks my heart with his lying and his A and his anger and filthy mouth, etc., I am beginning to NOT want to save my marriage as much as I did want to the day before. Every day it's getting harder to remember why I love him. So then I ask myself - do I really wanna save my marriage afterall.......if I don't, then why bother to expose him and make him angrier and make him want to hurt me more than he already has by having his lawyer go after me with both barrels.

So - I just really need your solid advice. I am thinking many of you have been in my shoes and can tell me how you handled it. I know Dr. Harley and his team are worried about WH physically hurting me - but I am more worried about my children. They are my life and he knows that. He knows what to do to hurt me most and it would be trying to make it so that I don't get to have our children. Do the courts award the WS with the kids if he makes enough noise, even tho I have done nothing wrong at all? Do I have anything to worry about? Is my lawyer friend right - should I sit back and keep my mouth shut or should I expose with all I have and as soon as I can? And if so - do I need to have Plan B ready immediately, in this situation? Thanks so much for all your help - I am so grateful you are all here to help me. It's such a comfort to know I'm not alone anymore.

If you aren't worried about physical threats I'd tell WH to kiss your butt. A judge isn't going to take your children from you unless you are a threat to your children in some way. WH can get pissed all he wants. He wants you to go quietly.

But you also shouldn't be doing stupid stuff like keying someone's car.

It's up to you. His lawyer will go after you with both barrels anyway.

It won't hurt you because you are telling the truth but it might hurt you because it could look like vindictive behavior to a judge.

But if your lawyer is worth the license and degrees he/she has displayed on the walls in his/her office, he/she can soften the blow for you.

Charlotte

She didn't key the car.

Charlotte

Thank you for clarifying that, Dancing Machine - that's right - I did NOT key the car - I was home all night with my kids like my daughter told the police officer......thank goodness I was home all night and didn't even go to the store for milk for the baby.....WH took care of that.

Posted before reading. I had not seen her lastest post in the other thread. My bad.

Exposure won't hurt, but will HELP. Exposure is a good thing that can only help everyone involved. A lawyer's goal is to faciliatate an amicable divorce, keep that in mind. A lawyer does not know how to save a marriage, only how to end them in the EASIEST WAY POSSIBLE.

Even if you decide you want to end the marriage, I would do everyone a favor and tell them about the affair. Keeping the affair a secret only enables your H to be a bad man.

Just becasue a self destructive wayward on a path of destruction doesn't like exposure doesn't mean its a bad thing; it is a very good thing that will benefit him in the end.

I haven't read your other thread, but based on this, I would strongly consider going dark into Plan B. Your H sounds extremely abusive and you have already dealt with numerous D-days. Dr Harley recommends going into plan B 3-4 weeks after plan A.

You're welcome. I know how it is, I was accused of doing things that I wasn't doing, too, by WS. He's probably still accusing me of things that I just haven't heard about yet. LOL!

My lawyer wrote a letter to his lawyer that I didn't even know about at the time, because of false accusations made by WS against me...maybe you should ask yours to do the same?

Take care,

Charlotte

momtobug, better yet, since your lawyer WORKS FOR YOU, I would suggest doing the exposure and informing your lawyer that you expect her to support that tactic. Remember who the boss is here.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience at this, and he is much better qualified than a lawyer. A lawyers job is to facilitate a divorce in the easiest way possible.

Dr. Willard Harley: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

How can you be hurt legally for telling the truth?

Why does Dr Harley worry about your physical safety?

You will get the blame for everything wrong on earth. You probably haven't even heard half of what you will get blamed for. Just chalk it up to waywardness.

I've been charged with all kinds of stuff so far, and there is no end in sight. It's become a game - What's My Charge? (this week). I can't wait until I find out where the $100K is that I'm supposed to be hiding. Each week is more absurd than last. By year's end, you will probably see me on the FBI's most wanted list. Yep, that would be me. Thief, tax evader, forger, embezzler, and _____.

Catperson...Dr. Harley is concerned for my safety because WH has already physically hurt me at least 3 times in the past year when we were fighting about the OW. I haven't had to go to the Dr. or had any broken bones, but scratches and bruises. WH has a bad temper when the argument is about the OW. However, I am pretty sure he knows and has probably been told/warned by his lawyer not to lay a hand on me at this point.

He has very good reason to be very concerned for your safety from the sounds of it. I hope you heed those warnings since you are all your little kids have.

It's up to you what you can handle and what you think he's capable of. Did you ever file a police report on the priors?

No, I didn't. The first time he hurt me he basically had his hands around my neck and pulled me down to the floor.......He told me later that he couldn't believe he did that and that I could report him if I wanted to. I knew I could.....but we both work with the local law enforcement in our EMS work and also in his fire department work.....it was the first time it ever happened and I guess I was in shock that he would do that to me and I really didn't want to report it to the people that we work with. I knew it could have maybe caused him to get in trouble with the EMS and even maybe the fire department and those are both very important to him.......I know that doesn't make sense and, in looking back at it now, I probably should have called 911 right then and there but hind sight is 20/20. My lawyer told me that if it happens again, I need to do that and to get to a doctor right away, which I would do. But, as I said, I am thinking he knows better than to lay a hand on me now.

Not for telling the truth. The JUDGE may view it as vindictive, though. There's a very good chance of that.

Charlotte

Do you have any older brothers or big men in your family that will confront WH?

AMEN, Sister!!

OMG!! "What's My Charge?" that is so FUNNY, Chai!!! You missed your calling...you should be doing stand-up comedy!!

Charlotte

DON'T take ANY chances with that!! Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe!!

Charlotte