I have another thread on this forum regarding WS discrediting me but thought I should ask this question on a new thread because I'm really desperate for some help "tonight". If you've been keeping up with my "discredit" thread you know my story so I won't start over with it but as I said in that thread, when I told WS about the police coming and questioning me tonight about keying the OW's car lastnight, he basically stood up for her. As I said, he told me my lawyer would probably be glad to hear from me in the morning because he had some things to talk to me about and I finally got him to at least tell me that my lawyer is going to be talking to me about my behavior! I am thinking that perhaps he has told his lawyer that if I don't quit telling people he is having an affair and with whom, etc, he is going to sock it to me in court - perhaps try to take our kids so that he has full custody of them, perhaps try to have me thrown out of the house but not let me take the kids with me......I have no idea what he may do or to what lengths he is willing to go to get back at me for telling people about his A and the OW. I can't talk to my lawyer until morning but I did talk to a lawyer who is a friend of the family tonight and he advises me not to do anything that will make WH angry. Not to tell people things that will make WH mad(der). That the more I tell, the madder WH will get and the more he will try to get back at me in court. I know what the books say here - I have to expose.....that's my only hope of getting WH back. But I admit to being terrified of what he will do to me and I don't mean physically. He knows that if he physically hurts me he is done!! I mean with his lawyer.....I fear of his anger taking over so that he tries to take the kids and anything else he can to get back at me. And then.....every day that goes by and WH treats me like crap and breaks my heart with his lying and his A and his anger and filthy mouth, etc., I am beginning to NOT want to save my marriage as much as I did want to the day before. Every day it's getting harder to remember why I love him. So then I ask myself - do I really wanna save my marriage afterall.......if I don't, then why bother to expose him and make him angrier and make him want to hurt me more than he already has by having his lawyer go after me with both barrels.

So - I just really need your solid advice. I am thinking many of you have been in my shoes and can tell me how you handled it. I know Dr. Harley and his team are worried about WH physically hurting me - but I am more worried about my children. They are my life and he knows that. He knows what to do to hurt me most and it would be trying to make it so that I don't get to have our children. Do the courts award the WS with the kids if he makes enough noise, even tho I have done nothing wrong at all? Do I have anything to worry about? Is my lawyer friend right - should I sit back and keep my mouth shut or should I expose with all I have and as soon as I can? And if so - do I need to have Plan B ready immediately, in this situation? Thanks so much for all your help - I am so grateful you are all here to help me. It's such a comfort to know I'm not alone anymore.

If you aren't worried about physical threats I'd tell WH to kiss your butt. A judge isn't going to take your children from you unless you are a threat to your children in some way. WH can get pissed all he wants. He wants you to go quietly.

But you also shouldn't be doing stupid stuff like keying someone's car.

It's up to you. His lawyer will go after you with both barrels anyway.

It won't hurt you because you are telling the truth but it might hurt you because it could look like vindictive behavior to a judge.

But if your lawyer is worth the license and degrees he/she has displayed on the walls in his/her office, he/she can soften the blow for you.

Charlotte

She didn't key the car.

Charlotte

Thank you for clarifying that, Dancing Machine - that's right - I did NOT key the car - I was home all night with my kids like my daughter told the police officer......thank goodness I was home all night and didn't even go to the store for milk for the baby.....WH took care of that.

Posted before reading. I had not seen her lastest post in the other thread. My bad.

Exposure won't hurt, but will HELP. Exposure is a good thing that can only help everyone involved. A lawyer's goal is to faciliatate an amicable divorce, keep that in mind. A lawyer does not know how to save a marriage, only how to end them in the EASIEST WAY POSSIBLE.

Even if you decide you want to end the marriage, I would do everyone a favor and tell them about the affair. Keeping the affair a secret only enables your H to be a bad man.

Just becasue a self destructive wayward on a path of destruction doesn't like exposure doesn't mean its a bad thing; it is a very good thing that will benefit him in the end.

I haven't read your other thread, but based on this, I would strongly consider going dark into Plan B. Your H sounds extremely abusive and you have already dealt with numerous D-days. Dr Harley recommends going into plan B 3-4 weeks after plan A.

You're welcome. I know how it is, I was accused of doing things that I wasn't doing, too, by WS. He's probably still accusing me of things that I just haven't heard about yet. LOL!

My lawyer wrote a letter to his lawyer that I didn't even know about at the time, because of false accusations made by WS against me...maybe you should ask yours to do the same?

Take care,

Charlotte

momtobug, better yet, since your lawyer WORKS FOR YOU, I would suggest doing the exposure and informing your lawyer that you expect her to support that tactic. Remember who the boss is here.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience at this, and he is much better qualified than a lawyer. A lawyers job is to facilitate a divorce in the easiest way possible.

Dr. Willard Harley: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

How can you be hurt legally for telling the truth?

Why does Dr Harley worry about your physical safety?

You will get the blame for everything wrong on earth. You probably haven't even heard half of what you will get blamed for. Just chalk it up to waywardness.

I've been charged with all kinds of stuff so far, and there is no end in sight. It's become a game - What's My Charge? (this week). I can't wait until I find out where the $100K is that I'm supposed to be hiding. Each week is more absurd than last. By year's end, you will probably see me on the FBI's most wanted list. Yep, that would be me. Thief, tax evader, forger, embezzler, and _____.

Catperson...Dr. Harley is concerned for my safety because WH has already physically hurt me at least 3 times in the past year when we were fighting about the OW. I haven't had to go to the Dr. or had any broken bones, but scratches and bruises. WH has a bad temper when the argument is about the OW. However, I am pretty sure he knows and has probably been told/warned by his lawyer not to lay a hand on me at this point.

He has very good reason to be very concerned for your safety from the sounds of it. I hope you heed those warnings since you are all your little kids have.

It's up to you what you can handle and what you think he's capable of. Did you ever file a police report on the priors?

No, I didn't. The first time he hurt me he basically had his hands around my neck and pulled me down to the floor.......He told me later that he couldn't believe he did that and that I could report him if I wanted to. I knew I could.....but we both work with the local law enforcement in our EMS work and also in his fire department work.....it was the first time it ever happened and I guess I was in shock that he would do that to me and I really didn't want to report it to the people that we work with. I knew it could have maybe caused him to get in trouble with the EMS and even maybe the fire department and those are both very important to him.......I know that doesn't make sense and, in looking back at it now, I probably should have called 911 right then and there but hind sight is 20/20. My lawyer told me that if it happens again, I need to do that and to get to a doctor right away, which I would do. But, as I said, I am thinking he knows better than to lay a hand on me now.

Not for telling the truth. The JUDGE may view it as vindictive, though. There's a very good chance of that.

Charlotte

Do you have any older brothers or big men in your family that will confront WH?

AMEN, Sister!!

OMG!! "What's My Charge?" that is so FUNNY, Chai!!! You missed your calling...you should be doing stand-up comedy!!

Charlotte

DON'T take ANY chances with that!! Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe!!

Charlotte

black raven, I do have an older brother who is a 2nd degree blackbelt in karate and he has tried talking to WH more than once but WH doesn't want to talk to him. My dear brother has offered to be in the area if and when I do expose so he can hopefully protect me and, my parents are also very aware of the situation and concerned for my safety. It's really a tough thing because all my family love WH but right now he is not the guy they have known and loved the past 15 years. And they hate what he is doing to me and our children and our entire family. It's hard on everyone, as you all know.

I am getting the feeling that many of you think maybe it's best to not expose but to just go to Plan B and keep the A in the dark to assure my safety, if I fear being hurt by him but that if I am not afraid of him hurting me, then I should go for the jugular and expose expose expose - no matter that my lawyer friend (not my lawyer) has advised to not piss off WH? But then there's the fear of the courts accusing me of being vindictive? Gosh - is there a win win situation anywhere in this for me?

Its unlikely that a judge would hold that against YOU, most are not silly. Lets just consider that, would you be accused of being "vindictive" if you exposed that he won an award at work? Of course not. There is nothig wrong with exposure other than the fact that the WS is doing something wrong. Even so, so what if a judge thought you were "vindictive;" doesn't mean its going to harm your legal standing. We have had hundreds of exposures on these forums over the years with no problem whatsoever.

In your case, however, you have to do what is necessary to protect yourself from a H who has demonstrated he will assault you. You have an obligation to protect yourself and your kids. That comes first. You are ALL those kids have so that has to be your first priority.

That is NOT true. It is VERY likely. WS's attorney can make her seem like a very unreasonable person because of this and with all of the accusations flying around, it wouldn't be that hard.

Because of my friend who is ALSO an attorney, I have seen a lot of these things go on.

And...the PBL I wrote to WS is in WS's Discovery and has already been brought up once in court, I am certain it will come up again, as well as exposure. WS viewed it as vindictive and so does his attorney.

You can bet your sweet patootie that mom's WS WILL attempt to use it against her. Look what he's doing now, for Pete's sake! Every little dust mote will be brought out in court, you can count on it.

Even good things can be twisted to look bad. OWH works one night a week for free at a public radio station and that was twisted around in his case in an attempt to make him look inept.

So proceed with caution, mom. And talk to your attorney about writing that letter to your WS's attorney regarding the "keying" incident. That way it is on the record and you are protected to an extent.

Charlotte

You guys are awesome!! Thank you so much for the advice in this horrible time! I will update a little later.

What did your attorney say about all this? Take THAT advice.

Nothing is worse than a client that shoots themselves in the foot by going against advice. <I am sure this happens in quite a few divorces, tho>

Question:

Do you like your attorney?
Do you have faith/trust in his/her abilities? (gut trust)

Does your attorney have years experience with this court system? Judge?

Has your Attorney had cases with (knows) your WH attorney?

If you answered "yes" to most of the above questions, except the first one---
PAY ATTENTION TO THE ADVICE YOU GET. You paid for it.

momtobug, don't get scared off of exposure because of hypothetical fears. We have been doing them around here for years to great effect. An opposing attorney will use ANYTHING against a BS. ANYTHING can be twisted into a nefarious action, so don't worry about that. If you avoided doing anything that could be twisted into something nefarious, then you would do NOTHING to defend yourself. You might as well just roll over right now.

You have to do what is RIGHT for your situation and not be driven by fears. You will LOSE if you allow FEAR of "what if's" to drive you. I assure you that Steve Harley is a strong advocate of exposure and has been for years.

Even so, in your situation, I would carefully consider exposure because of your husband's violence. You have bigger problems here that just an affair. This is not a typical situation.


Charlotte, a WS will view anything and everything as "vindictive" that interferes with his affair? So what?

If we told folks to stop doing anything that might be viewed by a falling down drunk as "vindictive" then a BS would not be able to do anything to defend himself.

Are you trying to say that folks here should FORGO the most potent tool they have, EXPOSURE, out of fears that a WS might view it as "vindictive?" Should they also forgo Plan B letters now because a WS might try and use it against him? Should the BS also give up breathing for fear the WS will not like it?

Show me a BS who operates on FEAR and I will show you a BS who isn't going to make it.

That is good advice if a person wants an AMICABLE divorce. An attorney does not know how to save a marriage. He knows how to END a marriage and he is always looking for the easist, softest way to do that. They want no trouble, no nothing even when it might help the situation. When an attorney conflicts with what MB advises, we tell the person to get the attorney on board with Marriage Builders.

Exposure is the most potent tool these people have around here, it would be devastating to scare already scared people off from using the most powerful weapon they have. We have been using it for YEARS to good effect.

Im relatively new here so take my advice with a grain of salt. But any man which would lay a hand on his wife is not a man but a coward. This is the most despicable thing a man could do IMO. Why would you want him back anyway? His actions of abuse towards you should tell you that this is not a man you want to be with anymore. You need to end this abusive relationship and move on and hopefully find someone which will love you in the way you deserve to be loved. With respect, admiration, and devotion.

This is not totally about you either. Imagine if your kids stumbled on him hurting you and how this would effect their entire life. I still to this day, 31 yrs later, remember when my father hit my mother in front of me. Its ingrained into my memory and something I will never forget. I remember my mother being pushed into a glass door which broke upon impact and cut her lip. I still remember the blood streaming down her face and my feeling of dread when I saw this, as a 4 yr old. Thank god she left the [censored] and never looked back. She then remarried and is living in joy and happiness like you could be.

IMO, when a man crosses this boundary and hurts their spouse physically is a sign and a means to an end. Do yourself a favor and move past this. There is light at the end of this miserable dark tunnel you are in right now. And once you enter this light you will never look back and be happy once again.

I asked not so much for someone to be there for protection during exposure, but in general. To find out if your H seriously fears anyone who can tell him to knock it off with threatening you in any way. You are always going to have to deal with this man because of your children (assuming he wants a role in raising them) so even after all this D ugliness is over, you don't want him threatening you every time he wants his way.

Personally I am not afraid of bullies. If my H was dumb enough to touch/threaten me he'd be one sorry ahole. My family is very close and if I needed reinforcements, one call from me would have them descending on him like the dogs of hell. (Disclaimer - I'm not talking physical violence here)

I would still expose but I'd be smart about it. I'm not going to advise you to do something that I wouldn't do myself. WH knows you are afraid of him and will use that against you. When people push me, I push back harder. But I'm not standing in your shoes and don't know all the dynamics involved.

My best friend is getting a D. On occassion her stbexh started intimidating her by throwing stuff around and punching holes in walls. He never touched her, but she was concerned for herself and her children. However, she stood up to him and he sure backed off when she started telling everyone that he was an abuser.

Think things through before you act, but don't be afraid to act if you need to.

Personally, I would do exactly as BlackRaven suggested if I were in this situation. I would do everything short of taking out a billboard and then move to divorce. [I would not remain married to a wife beater]

Mainly because it would be HELPFUL to the man I was going to be linked to because of my kids. Helping him hide his secret will enable him to remain a BAD MAN and I would not want to have to deal with a bad man for the next 18 years. Exposure is not a magic cure, but it sure increases the odds he will wake up and change his ways.

But again, mtb, you have to make your first priority the protection of yourself and your kids. If you can do that and expose, then fine. If not, then I wouldn't.

Going to Plan B is completely independent from exposure. It's not one or the other.

Listen, he's going to accuse you of being vindictive if you part your hair on a different side one morning. That's the way WS's are. It's the court's job to rule out what is true and what are empty accusations. The more empty accusations he throws around, the less credible he will appear to the court. This on top of the fact that he is physically abusive will bury him. Basically, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself with it.

How in the world can exposure be vindictive? What are you supposed to tell people when you go to Plan B and actually live in separate places? Adultery is the most painful thing that can happen to a person - what are you supposed to do, suck it up and smile about it?

And I agree with everyone that says to get the heck out of there ASAP before this man seriously injures you. I was a battered wife once and it is no place to be.

ITA.

And look into a restraining order regardless.

Perfectly said, Tabby..

Thanks Mel.

I just read the post on the other thread about how events played out regarding the keying of OW's car. Even looking at this as an outsider and having only heard your side of the story, I have to say that woman is cracked. It seems the cop thinks so too. If your WH is hanging around her, people are going to think he's cracked as well. Including the judge.

Let WH accuse you of being vindictive and anything else he wants to accuse you of. He's digging his own grave here. He's just angry with you because you won't pass him a shovel.

Mum to bug: So sorry for the spot you find yourself in.

However be mindful that
keeping secrets ONLY works in the favor of those doing the dirty deeds.
[Let this be a lesson to others watching, reading and hopefully learning].

For instance take NOT reporting your husbands abuse towards You.

Unfortunately,
now ONLY the 2 of you really know what he did and how he operates.

You protected him out of some misguided loyalty (of which he has zero towards you) and now he's still threatening and going to come after you full tilt in court and any other arena he chooses.

Sadly now were you to bring up the truth( the abuse) you'll simply be made to look spiteful and desperate.

However,
had you got what he actually DID DO, on the record .......everything else you would bring to light would have so much more credibility.
Then he'd be on the defensive (as he should be) instead of you.

So even in your own situation,
assisting the WS in covering his actions, lies and deceit ......only hurts your own cause in the end.
Stay Well.

Mum,

Why don't you get a restraining order right now? Go down to the police station and sign a statment that your H has physically hurt you in the past, is in an affair and very upset with you for trying to get him to stop. Tell them that he hurts you when he is mad. And that he is very very mad right now. I bet you will get your RO today.

I don't know about the exposure thing. If you do that make sure you have a RO first so he can't just show up for a little 'talk'.

Do a google search on red flag strangulation attempt domestic. Strangulation attempts are now seen as a major indicator that your situation will lead to your death in a domestic abuse situation. It is beginning to be taken very seriously in law enforcement (and since he works with the fire department he probably is aware of the seriousness of what he did when he laid hands on you and tried to choke the life out of you).

My advice is do not mess around with this using MB techniques. Do not challenge him with exposure, anything. When you thwart him, you are in danger. Get advice from domestic abuse experts. Take this seriously!

Nano is right! My daughter had to flee for her life when her live-in boyfriend/father of her children strangled her until she passed out. He is now charged with "Felony Assault with a Deadly Weapon" (his hands!). This is serious stuff.

He's already demonstrated that he is capable of physically abusing you and it usually never GETS BETTER. It usually progresses, especially if he got away with it the first time.

Plan B - right away !


Only "expose" when asked:

"Why don't you see/talk to WH?"

You say:

"I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguments about his adultery."

If anyone asks about WH or your marriage or your welfare (any question, really) you give the same response.

"How have you been? What's going on?"

"I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguments about his adultery."


"How are the kids?"

"The kids are doing as good as could be expected under the circumstances. I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguments about his adultery."

However, I would not expose to anyone who does not ask how you are doing or the status of your family. (for safety reasons) You cannot be "dinged" legally for answering questions truthfully. Later, you could use those who have asked questions about how you are doing as witnesses (if necessary).

And keep a journal of all activity - starting today.
Make daily (dated) entries of any and all WH contacts.

in person
phone
text
etc, whatever

also make a log of people who you told:
"I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguements about his adultery."

Like this: ~~~> "Today our school principal asked how I was and I answered; "I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguements about his adultery."

Journal EVERYTHING. Just the facts. No feelings or assumptions about WH's motives.

Like this: ~~~> "Today April 3, WH sent a text saying: "You bi-ch, you will pay for this." I did not reply."

NOT like this: ~~~> "Today April 3, WH sent me a nasty text. Why is he so mean?"

See the difference?
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT

Great ideas Pep.

If you get a restraining order against WH, document every time he violates it and follow up with filing a formal complaint. Don't argue with him if he does try to call or confront you. Just say "I have nothing to say to you. Do not contact me or I will report you for violating the restraining order" then hang up or walk away. Document and make a complaint. The only contact you two need is through your attorneys. Talk to your attorney about expediting a divorce settlement.



Once a few people know, you probably won't even have to say much anymore because they will likely be warning others to stay away from your abusive H.

You need to get away from him, document every nasty thing he says in regards to you.

GET AN RO NOW! And if you can't, do what BR suggested in regads to the complaint.

Do what BR said in regards to speaking to him afterwards, too.

A little hint about documenting that I have not previously seen on this site.

Use a book that cannot easily be tampered with. For instance, do not use a loose leaf notebook with pages that can be added or subtracted.

Use a spiral notebook or a bound blank book or a student essay book. Date every entry as you write it.

Your writing should be just as it is, with mistakes, different pens, bad grammar, whatever.....

Just keep a daily record in a book that isn't subject to tampering.

That way no one will be able to easily accuse you of adding facts later. You might also note other significant events of the day, such as stock market crashes, bad weather, family birthdays-- things that document that an event happened on the exact day you said it did.

Do not make this a journal about your anger over your spouse's adultery. Just facts.

I totally agree with the journaling......my sister was in the exact same situation your in it really helped her.

Secondly....in my line of work....I work with all aspects of the emergency services in 3 counties. That's fire, police, and ems. Sweetie I know you must know someone in the department you can go to with this. In your line of work you communicate with law enforcement regularly thus you make contacts....ANY officer can take an informational report.....these can be very handy for you in court....and they can be made without wh's knowledge. Get my drift. This is where the phrase "sly as a fox" comes in handy.

Secondly.....are we serious abdicating that she provoke this nut case more with out and out nuclear exposure.....I agree with the idea of answering questions but not unprovoced exposure that might hurt her legally and mot likely physically.

I do not want to open the paper and read about a woman/family who was murdered by a psycho husband, who had anger problems previously, because his affair was exposed. Then knowing people here put the fire under her butt to do it.

This is a situation that needs to be handled carefully. She needs to be very careful with what she says and does.....strategy is the name of the game. I believe exposure under the guise of answering a question could work well....but I would get the pd on board.....I know you have to have some contacts there.

If she would do what people are advising her to do she would expose and have no trouble because the police would know by that point that he's dangerous.

Yes I see that everyone is hopping for exposure.....I am saying there are differnt routes she can go with exposure that will protect her. This is not your standard affair we normally see here.....plus wh is already in a gov agency (fire dept)where he will most likely have a brotherhood that stands behind him.

Mom has a lot to deal with and it needs to be done carefully when dealing with these agencies.....or he may get leverage over her....what if they got into a fight and fire responded for medical.....he claims she is 5150(insanity) and his brothers stand beside that. They haul her off under the health and welfare codes to the padded room and boom he has the kids.

There are a lot more polotics involved in her situation and brushing that off would hurt her...I think she needs to start inside the pd an work her way out.

Also, If he hurts you in some serious way who will take care of your kids? Have you told any of your friends that he has abused you? Again, get a restraining order if you fear he will hurt you. Protect your kid's Mother's health.

Who said she shouldn't consider the safety of herself or her children?

OP is the the one who has to determine for herself what she is comfortable doing based on her firsthand knowledge of the situation. People are making suggestions just as you and told her to think it over carefully. No poster should be acting on any plan of action simply because X told them to do Y.

We can "what if" all sorts of fantastic scenarios either way. Government agencies aren't tolerating that "brotherhood" crap like they used to. Not saying it doesn't happen but most aren't willing to risk their careers and a lawsuit over Fireman #69 because he's banging some coworker and threating his wife to make her shut up about it. But I do agree with you that she should speak to someone within the Dept about the situation. At the very least it will put someone on alert that she felt threatened enough to speak to them and raise an eyebrow if WH starts making wild claims about her. Then she should document the conversation and tell her brother or some other family member about it as well.

Oh Char, you do it SO much better than I do though. Maybe we can pair up and tour the country making fun of WS's. Or, write a book about all of this crapola....

You guys are great. Let's see, yes, a few people know about his abuse. His mother, for one. She saw the bruising last year when I called her over to talk after he had done this. Also, I was picked up by our local EMS (the one we both work for) 2 days after that. I fainted at work (3 days not being able to eat). They saw the bruises and I told them I had knocked into something at work. But last fall, I went back and told our Chief, who was on the call, what had really happened, along with the whole rest of the story.

I love this man and I know he is only doing these things because he is under the psycho influence of the wicked witch of the west. The good man I fell in love with when I was 14 is still in there somewhere.

Mom- i heard this yesterday on NPR, a woman has written a book about her abuse. She said that she finally had an epiphany when her husband, who she loved dearly, was holding a gun to her head threatening to kiss her. She thought, "How can I trust another person's rage?" In otherwords, even though she loved him, in his rage she could not trust him to not hurt her.

The good man may be in there, but you cannot trust his rage. Protect yourself and your 4 wonderful children.

It's a good thing that other are aware of his abuse but...


Don't be so quick to blame OW. Your WH is unstable period. Don't romantize this as you trying to save him from himself or the wicked witch. The stakes are too high.

Good luck to you.

Just because you love him does not mean you can't take the steps needed to protect yourself and your children.

People under influences like his do stupid STUPID things.

The PD is the place you should be contacting as they will provide you with protection and you can make reports that will cover you in court.
You are dealing with someone who will act like a PCP ADDICt when he doesn't get his way. Are you willing to allow him to subject your children to that?

Please check out this link for domestic violence hotlines in different states. Call and at least talk to someone and educate yourself on what is going on in your marriage.

You fell in love with a 14 year old boy who grew up into a violent man. There is no good part of him or bad part of him--this is who he is, the total package.

It is not love that binds you to someone who hurts you physically. A strong feeling, connection, dependence--I don't know what it is, but it is not love.

What do your mom and dad think of the abuse? What did your Chief do besides listen? Why weren't you able to eat for three day? What did you mean earlier when you said that your H had taken care of it so you didn't go out to get the baby's milk? (the car keying incident) Did you mean he got the milk for you or that he prevented you from being able to go out and get food for your baby?

CALL!

http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html

So very true.

I'm seriously not afraid of WS. I don't think he will do anything. But just incase, I plan on having a good rally of family and friends with me when I DO expose. I won't protect him from that. I refuse. I won't live in fear of using the most powerful weapon in my arsenal just because he may see try to pin me as the mean, vindictive, psycho wife. He's already going to do that. I have a day planned, in the not so distant future, where I won't be working and the kids won't be in school.

On a side note, our oldest daughter, who had to talk to the cop last night, is starting to "get" some of it. I haven't told the kids what's going on yet. That will come with "E" day. But all of a sudden, she's starting to realize how much Daddy is on call with OW. How often he goes down to the station to "work" while she is there. And to say nothing about the fact that because of OW, our poor daughter had to talk to a police officer, which terrified her. And not only did Daddy support OW through all of it, he didn't even once try to talk to our daughter about it. Make sure she was ok. What a monster he has become. I hope he someday realizes what he has done, not only to me, but to the kids, too, who are supposed to be so important to him.

Do you have any comments about the advice I gave you to DOCUMENT everything ???

Yes, that was excellent advice and something I have already been doing. I have missed a few days, tho, with everything that has happened, so I need to go back and fill in. But it's wonderful advice and I appreciate it immensely!

BTW, I got a really odd text message from him this afternoon. For the last week, he has been all business if he DOES text me. Most of the time, I just don't hear from him. But he was trying to get a hold of me this afternoon for something. He sent me 2 texts pertinent to the situation. Then I got a weird one that said "my corn is hot for humpty..." Then another that was, again, regarding what he was trying to get a hold of me for. The next time I saw him, I asked him about it. He got this goofy (perhaps guilty?) look on his face and said it was just nonsense and he was looking to see if I would reply to it. Just doesn't seem to fit his normal temperament for the week. Anybody have any input on this one?

humpty = you?

I got nothing.

Maybe he meant to send it to OW and was trying to cover for himself. Sounds like he's a corndog.

tl

My guess as to what it means is:

He and OW text each other a ton and play stupid little games with words back and forth. If you read them you'd think they were teenagers (trust me...in 2005 I read my wife's and they were so dorky). They also think they both are really really cool. THEY are the popular kids and YOU are not in the click.

Thus...he was feeling goofy and he then texted you something goofy off the cuff. I don't think it was meant for her...but he remained goofy at the moment having either just talked to her or text messaged with her.

The irony is you didn't respond which I speculate just feeds a WH's rationalizations and justifications and/or is further used by WH in discussions with OW to build up the affair (as affairs are fantasies where they constantly have to build each other up). Thus...he likely text OW and had a good laugh about what he text messaged you and how you didn't get it. OW just get's him and you don't. How special she is because she's goofy with him....blah, blah, blah.

It really is that pathetic. MM have to constantly reassure OW as YOU are the biggest threat to her relationship with him. MM very often end up back with their BW's, thus, OW MUST HAVE constant reassurance and your husband has to find creative ways to give her this reassurance so she'll give him good reassurance back.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - OW MAY have even been sitting with him as he did text that message...both of them giggling away.

oops...forgot to mention.

I'm an attorney and I recommend exposure.

Yesterday, you said it was a family attorney friend and NOT your divorce attorney that tried to dissuade you from exposing.

What did your attorney say???

Women are EXPECTED to be vindictive when their husbands have an affair on them and file for divorce. Just get it done...all at once and THEN apologize (not for doing it but for the way he feels about you doing it in a half apology way) and as long as you don't remain constantly vindictive and angry (especially with regards to the children) ...you're OK. You see...they have to establish a consistent pattern of behavior....so get it done quick in as non-vindictive appearing manner as possible and move on.

Also...IF you ever were to get into a custody battle there is nothing better than documented abuse charges to influence a judges opinion of your husband and impressions are nearly everything in the family court system. Abusive men DON'T win.

Mr. Wondering

I showed the text to a couple coworkers, who both IMMEDIATELY said "that text message wasn't meant for you." They both felt it was sent to the wrong person, as do I. He was still at work when he sent it, so I know she wasn't there with him.

Sidebar, last night WS was on call for EMS. Of course he was on with HER!!! He is our Maintenance and Equipment officer and he "routinely" has to go down to check supplies, his log book, make sure things are stocked, etc... But IRONICALLY it's always when he's on with her. They are both only signed up for one shift in the next 2 months and it was last night, together. She came on shift at 4pm and he came on at 6pm. So after I got off work, at 4:30, I drove past the station and sure enough, she was there.

After I got home, we decided to order pizza for supper. WS mentioned he would need to go down to the station at some point and "do the routine." I tried to outsmart him and said, ok, after supper we can all go down with you! He didn't seem to like that idea, but didn't fight it. So I went and ordered the pizza, which was set to be delivered around 45 minutes later. It was then that he informed me that he was running to the station to look for his EMS parka, fully knowing I couldn't leave, as the pizza would be coming. The sneaky [censored]! About 5 minutes later, I called him to see if he would pick up soda on his way home. He said sure and that he had just gotten to the station. The pizza arrive about 20 minutes later, early. I called him and he answered, and was very short with me. I made sure to mention I noticed. I told him the pizza was here and asked if he had found his coat. He said he JUST had, hanging on a chair. He would be home in a bit. Well, I was getting honked off. So I quickly packed up the kids and we took a little drive. Sure enough, both WS and OWs vehicles were parked outside the station. Duh! What kind of idiot does he think I am? He finally came home about 20 minutes later. He was gone darn near an hour. When I asked him if he had said hi to OW for me, he lied and said she wasn't even there!!! I let it go. Just keep digging, honey, it's what you are good at!

As for talking to my attorney, I haven't done it yet. I will tell him my plans, but whether he wants me to expose or not doesn't matter. I know it's my best tool and I can't legally get into trouble, so I'm doing it. I'm fighting for my husband, my marriage and my family. It's worth it to me, even if it isn't to him right now.

As for the rest of the night, WS got to go on a love transport with the Blonde Bimbo to a hospital an hour away. Lots of time together! They had a total of 3 calls together and I don't think they got a whole lot of sleep. Thankfully, he has to come home to sleep, since we live so close to the station. At least that feather is in my cap.

Why didn't you drop in at the station? I would have. I would have rubbed all the kids in OW's face, with the whole station watching. What? You're just visiting your H. And reminding all his coworkers that he has a wife and family. In fact, I would start making a habit of bringing the kids by to visit every time he's working.

You need to do a full blown EXPOSURE--NOW. Stop waiting. This is the only way for you to break up this A. Like others here have said, A's thrive in the dark--you need to shine some light on this crack house. Your H and his AP are like crack heads, and they are getting their "fix" flaunting it right in front of your face.

Expose--include their employer too. Read this thread that I am attaching. You need to do it now though. It is your only chance...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2209931#Post2209931

Dawn, the only reason I'm waiting is for me to have the day off work and the kids to be off school. So we can both be in a protected location when it happens. So he can't go and snag them from school. I don't know how he's going to react, so I'm doing my best to protect the kids and I. It will happen this week. I have the day planned.

He's already embarrassed I have told a few people. We are supposed to go to the Fire Dept. annual party tonight and he won't go now. He says he's too embarrassed to be out in public with me, knowing people have heard. I think he's more embarrassed at people seeing him and thinking bad things.

That is very understandable (about him snatching the kids...). You are doing well and have this thought out it seems.

But, if his OW is associated with him at work you do need to do exposure at the workplace too i.e. with HR, etc. They probably have some kind of policy against that.

He is embarrassed to be seen with you? Don't believe that crap. He should be embarrassed to be seen with OW and embarrassed of HIS behavior. You have done nothing wrong.

And, mom...did you read Dr. Scotts thread? He is the exposure KING IMO... just to give you some insignt...

I have been working on reading it for a couple hours now. It's a lot to process. I hope I can do as well as Dr. Scott. Should I send a separate email to the EMS Chief and the Fire Chief, or should I send them the same one I'm going to send out to the EMS and Fire memberships? What do you think?

I have seen you working with Dr. Harley on the weekend forum, what besides an immediate plan B has he suggested?

Regarding exposure?

mom, I would send the same information to all you plan to send to--just to keep consistency in your info. Just do one email and send to all you want to send to. At least, that is what I would do.

Amazing how they want to keep it their little secret. They know how wrong they are. Your WH is afraid of others finding out, so I would go nuclear with it. Oh, he'll be pi$$ed all right, but it's your best weapon right now.

Chai

I know...it IS amazing isn't it? But what amazes me even more that that WH says he is embarrassed by moms actions... Not bothered at all by his own actions... Incredible, isn't it?

We haven't gotten too far into exposure. With WH's (very limited) history of physical violence when we fight about OW (last time was 2 days after Christmas, when I found WHs Christmas gift to OW), Dr. Harley is worried WH may get violent when I do my all out exposure. I will be talking to one of the ladies at MB on Monday afternoon, about this specific topic. That's why I am taking Extraordinary Precautions to secure our safety when I DO expose.

You would think that since they found their "soulmate" they would want to advertise it to the world. My WH did the same thing. Lie, sneak etc. It was definitely more fun that way. When he found out that I exposed to some of his family members he said "What are you going to do, tell so-and-so too!!!!?"

Mom, by all means, do it however Dr. Harley tells you to do it. We certainly don't want you to get injured in the process.

I'm definitely not worried about WH hurting me. I have several older brothers that will rally around me. But I am worried about him snatching the kids from school or something like that. So that's why I'm taking the precautions I have planned. I don't want anything to happen. I want it to be controlled and under my terms. He loves to be in control, which, ironically, he says is never the case and I'M the one who is always trying to be in control. So this is going to knock his socks off!!! Is it bad that I'm almost a little excited?

So I'm really nervous about talking to OW's family. Parents, fathers of her 2 boys. Do I NEED to talk to them on the phone, or is a letter enough? I'm am an extremely non-confrontational person, so this is very hard for me to do. Tell me what you think.

Which do you think would be more effective? I guess you do not have the luxury of avoiding conflict anymore so I wouldn't let fear drive your strategy. You arent going to make it if you stick to conflict avoidance tactics. Your fears have to be put aside.

Rather, the driving force should be EFFECTIVENESS. Which would be more effective? Personally, I think a phone call would be more effective because that gives the OW parents a chance to ask questions. You can ask them: "can you please use your influence to get your daughter to end her affair with my husband?"

You might be able to get some real good information from them if you call.

I'm thinking so, too. I just fear they will hang up on me. I don't worry so much about the fathers, but more her parents. Altho, I think she has enough of a history that they know the kind of person she is. Still, I know how family sticks up for family (I'm seeing the same thing with WH). All the proof in the world might not be enough to sway someone's judgement. Still, it puts the knowledge in their heads.

I'm also going to email everyone who's email I can get at OWs work. HR, and everyone else I find on the website. WH is the contact with our EMS for the work it has done on our ambulances at OWs job. And OW is our source for when we need the work done. Could that have some consequence on her job, since it does have to do with a client?

Mom,

Listen...when my BH told my mom about my A--she was livid....She is one of those very old fashioned, very religious types and she basically reamed me and told me that OM would NEVER be accepted into "their" family. She also called OM and gave him the "what for" too. So, they were not with me at all. My own daughter is the one who told my H what was going on so my family was not protecting my A at all. I guess it just depends on the type of people you are dealing with.
And, yes, I would think that it would have something to do with her job too--her company must have a policy against this kind of thing. A letter may be the best thing for OW's parents if you are afraid they will hang up on you but, so what if they do? It's not like it's going to hurt you if they were to hang up on you.
My OM's family was never exposed to the last I heard (over 6 months ago) but his 2 grown children knew about it and of course his W. As far as I ever knew that was all in their family that was ever informed about it.

Hi M2B,

I was asked to look in on your thread. I havent read the other one yet.

Firstly, I like what Pepperband and Chrysalis have to say about journaling. I still have the log of every text, IM, and brief outline of each phone call I received from Flick during the A. No matter how insignificant it was. Reading back thru it a few months ago, I could see how it could be a very damming indictment of his mental status at the time....

I would like to just clarify something... The physical attacks of late... has your WH ever been violent towards you in the past, or is this an A manifestation?

FWIW, Flick is a fireman and he left his brigade a week after d-day. I exposed to all his collegues.

My x-partner was phsically abusive thru most of our relationship. It never went away, only escalated.

I believe it was my exposure letter to the PQ's parents that started to break dowm the A. Exposure is your best weapon, and its how you weld it, that makes it effective.
For example you could say "oh that lousy **** he's ***** that **** and they are ****" etc and you will look mad, bad, or crazy. I LOVE the broken record response.

Bumping for momtobug

Sorry I have been MIA. WH took the 2 desktop computers out of the house to an undisclosed location, and still aren't back. He also took the wireless card to my laptop. He gave that back to me tonight, but hid the internet hub. He finally hooked it back up. He's been a rare piece of work the last 24 hours.

ok, another question or 2. First, I am planning on sending WH and OW a copy of the email I send to coworkers and friends. Is this a good idea? I was also contemplating what would be better: making up a distribution list so no one can see who all the email was sent to or just putting each individual email address so everyone (namely WH and OW) can see who ALL is getting it. Finally, is there any major threat to them coming back and trying to get me for slander or defamation of character, with exposing? I'm only telling the facts and making it crystal clear what I have and haven't found. Feedback? THANKS SO MUCH!!!

I'm not trying to be insensitive but if you only plan on telling the facts, then your WH and OW already know the facts...why bother sending them a copy? Just send the info out to who it really matters. I don't think that telling the truth about someone could be considered defamation or slander. It really seems like you are wasting alot of time "thinking" about exposure and I understand that you want to make sure it's done right but you also have to remember that time is of the essence in putting an END to the A.

My 2c.....

My exposure was as follows....
E-mail to WW/OMs 3 bosses and HR boss.

WWs family..parents, uncles, grandma.

OMs family.....every one of them.

I was terrified to do it! After it was done I actually felt BETTER!
The burden was off me....and on them!


The employer letter is the one from here.

The family letters I drafted(with help...Mel). At the end of the letters I asked for advice. I also put all my phone #s and e-mail.

Look at it this way. By NOT ccing WH and OW, think of the trickle down crap they are going to have to go through as they start getting phone calls they weren't prepared for...hilarious!

Mom, what are you talking about? Of course I'm not having an affair!
Dad, um, no...I'm not having an affair...she's just crazy. Let me explain! No, it ISN'T true!
Sis, calm down! Yeah, I know what you heard, apparently everyone in town has heard it...but I swear I would never - oh, she showed you that?
Uh, Mr. Boss, I...uh...I don't know what to say...I really didn't think I was doing anything wrong by company standards...
*sigh* Hi Uncle Tom...Yes...we are having some problems...yes, I pretty much figured you'd be calling me...yeah, yeah, it's true. I slept with another woman. (click) Uncle Tom? Uncle Tom?

Just remember to steel yourself for the fight. He will be FURIOUS with you. PLEASE make sure you have a member of your family with you for the next 48-72 hours. Please! Or move out. Or call the police.

He will get over the rage, but the rage will be there at first, I promise.

But it is the ONLY way you will ever get him back.

Have you practiced what you're going to say when he yells at you? A typical answer used often is

"I only told people the facts. Facts cannot be denied; they just are. I am trying to save my marriage and this is the only way to get the affair to stop. Would you like a sandwich?"

BTW, if he is taking away computer access from you, I advise you to borrow someone else's equipment before you expose, so that you will still have control. You'll need to borrow some form of Internet card, etc., too. Don't let him know that you have it. In fact, you might keep it in your car trunk.

Oh, and ALWAYS keep a bag packed and in your car, and always keep your keys IN your pocket! And if he has the ability to block your car (in a driveway, etc.), park your car somewhere that he can't do that.

Dawn, I realize it may look like I'm taking my sweet time with this. But with the history of my WH being physically abusive in the past, Dr. Harley is encouraging me to be cautious about it. Which is why I have picked this specific day, so I'm off work and the kids are off school. So we can be in a safe place when it happens. This had to be very well thought out. This is a very important thing, but the safety of myself and my children are much more important.

Ok, no CCing.

I'm so nervous about the phone calls. I don't know HOW I'm going to sleep tonight!

You need to take all the precautions YOU and your kids need. You will feel better afterwards. I know it's hard to see that rite now.....I didn't see it before I did it.

You'll do great! Look at all the great help and advice you're getting!

Please don't forget that aside from your family, your state/county/city has facilities to help you! Use them!

Good luck! And let us know!

Well, last night took a turn for the worse and WH is sitting in jail with a Disorderly Conduct and False Imprisonment charge on him. Things got really bad. I'm safe for a few days. He can't come around until about 11pm on Sunday night. I feel bad for the situation, and that it's come to this, but I know it's not my fault. What I'm sure he can't believe is that he's sitting in jail when HE'S the one who called the cops! I'm sure he never imagined he'd be the one arrested! I hope you don't think I'm enjoying this, because I'm not. But his violence does help solidify my character, I guess.

Wow. What the heck happened? I understand what you're saying--your safety is paramount. But, while he's locked away in jail for a few days would be a perfect time to do whatever you're going to do!!! Seeine as how he's incarcerated. And, then, he wouldn't dare to anything when he gets out to risk going back. This could be a blessing for you...

It's done, for the most part. So far, I have only received email from HR where OW works, advising me that the email is only for business and customers, it's not a business issue and further email will result in legal action. Nice.

WH ended up in jail after he called the cops? Sounds like poetic justice to me. At least you now have an official record of his nutty behavior. Stay safe. Now that you have exposed, stay clear of him. Sounds like he will self destruct on his own.

That's very shocking that any HR person would respond to such a serious issue that way. I'm very surprised at that. I guess they don't care that their employee is using company time/resources to conduct an extramarital affair? That's craziness.

Have you looked into getting a restraining order against him while he is in jail? Seems like you now have documented good cause.

Was the HR person/dept the only recipient of the email? I would print the original email + reply and send a letter to the next person/dept up the food chain, innocently stating that you think your email got to the wrong person, and you hope that they can point you to the right place ... and given the recent violence (attach a copy of the police report) you're certain that someone in the company will agree this is a serious matter deserving attention. If HR doesn't want you to email them, that's fine, just find another method of communication (and in the process be sure to inform the recipient of the rude response you got from HR).

I'm so sorry about your situation ... this is very scary and I hope you have some family/friends nearby to lean on. Has this recent violence changed your mind at all about wanting to reconcile? I think you've got an established history of violence now ... not just a one-time thing (which is bad enough in itself) but a pattern of behavior. Keep you & yours safe ... that's issue #1 right now.

I sent the email to a few different people in the company. HR, marketing, a couple bigwigs. I will see what I can do about sending to the next person up. Yeah, I'm pretty disappointed with how HR responded.

This is a scary situation. What makes it worse is I found out through more snooping this morning that WH had a keylogger program installed on my PRIVATE laptop that he has no ownership of. It's one that emails the log or uploads it to an FTP server. He then gave OW the information. So he gave her permission to get access to my email, my passwords, my Facebook. EVERYTHING!!! How illegal. I got into WHs email this morning and while I was on it, OW started IMing me. She thought I was him. When I sent out the first round of emails (the largest one) she goes "Wait, Mel's emailing." Then she mentioned how she could see what it was about and who it was to. She then realized that it was me, told me she was calling her lawyer and the cops and logged out. I got a call from and officer a couple hours later. Before a question could be asked, I explained the whole situation and the email. When i finished, the officer goes "well, that's good enough for me. I don't even need you to come in. I know you have had a rough day. Get some rest." I LOVE IT!!!! I wonder how OWs employer would feel, knowing she was doing that all while she was supposed to be working!

BTW, I'm safe, the kids and I are at my parents. WH has 72 hours of no contact with me, so I won't be seeing him till at least 11:26pm on Sunday night. I have to go back to PD to make a statement about the previous abuse and I will be telling them about the keylogger program and how OW had access to it. Haven't done anything about a restraining order yet.

Just an update. WH's father called my mother about an hour ago and reamed her a new one. Blamed her for my actions. Said I was committing "Character Assassination." Really went off on her. Didn't blame WH for much of anything. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It just goes to show where WH might get it from. This sucks. I feel bad for my family, but I don't regret for a minute that I exposed.

Based on this "keylogger" info, I strongly suggest that you get that restraining order. Also, make sure to change ALL of your passwords for the sites you use (and your e-mail addresses). If you don't, you may find the OW or your WH trying to impersonate you in the worst way possible.

A possible appropriate response from your Mom might have been a quick "did your son do those things my daughter is accusing him of doing? If so, then frankly he has no character to assassinate. Good bye".

EXACTLY! Tell her this, cos I'm sure HIS family will be contacting YOUR family a lot more. Teach them what you've learned here.

AND GET THAT RESTRAINING ORDER NOW - TODAY - THIS VERY HOUR! You have no idea how long will it take to get it done.

What good will it do if the order doesn't take effect until Monday 10am, if you are already dead - and your kids disappeared - at Monday 1am?

ETA: Are you a SAHM? If not, please take at least a couple days off work so that you never let your kids out of your sight. Someone who is as abusive and entitled as he is will have NO problem uprooting and disappearing with your kids JUST TO PUNISH YOU. That's how people like that think. I had to stop my dad from being able to pick up his only granddaughter, just so that his wife wouldn't disappear with her.

What did he do to you? Please tell us if you don't mind, so we can help you determine what steps you should be taking (i.e., level of severity).

ok, sorry I haven't been able to get on. I had to do a lot of computer cleaning to get the keylogger program off the home computer. I haven't even started on my laptop yet. Yse, he put the program on the home computer too.

Basically, WH was trying to take my car keys. He had hidden our computers earlier in the week. I found them on Thursday evening and moved them into my van. When he realized around 10:30pm on Thursday night, he decided to come and demand my keys. I told him I wouldn't give them to him. I wasn't going to do anything with the computers. Just keep them where we both knew they were: locked in the back of my van. I was already in bed when he was doing this. I have learned to just stay calm and refuse to respond to his confrontational attitude. The fact that I wouldn't fight made him mad. He went out to the kitchen and looked for my (well-hidden) keys again. When he didn't find them, he came back in and demanded them again. All was fine til he went for my jeans I had worn that day. It had my jumpdrive in it, which had all sorts of stuff on it I was gonna use to expose. So I got up. When he saw me get up, he took off running for the kitchen. When I reached him, I grabbed my jeans and wouldn't let go. I didn't touch him. I know better. He wrestled me to the ground and held me there with his knee on the back of my neck/shoulders. I think while I was wrestling to get up I scratched him with a broken fingernail. I got up and he pushed me back on my back with my legs bent behind me. I screamed and told him he was hurting me. He let me up and when he did that, the jumpdrive fell out of my pocket. He grabbed for it but I got it first. I had what I wanted so I let go of the jeans. I tried to go past him to our bedroom to get my cell phone and he blocked my way. So I turned around to go to the back door to go to the neighbors and he tried to block me then too. I managed to get out and he locked the door behind me. I went next door but no one woke up when I knocked. So I went back. The door was unlocked and I found WH in our room, looking through my cell phone. I had to wrestle it away from him. I called my mom and told her what happened, all the while WH was screaming in the background that I had attacked him. My mom said she was coming over. WH said she wasn't allowed in our house. Neither was my Dad and if he stepped foot in our house, WH would call the cops and have him removed. Then he screamed that he was just going to call them anyway. My mom decided that she, too, was going to call 911 and have them check my welfare. I'm sure when he called, he never imagined HE would be the one arrested.

So that's what happened. I went back to the PD yesterday and gave an interview about the past "incidents." So they could build a case to give to the DA. They have pix and I will probably go back and have them take more, now that more bruises are showing up.

WH's Dad and sister are being horrible. Making me out to be the bad guy. It's all my fault. And my mom's, for not having better control over me. Now they are questioning my state of mind and stating they are afraid for the kids. And saying "unstable minds are more dangerous than imaginary fists." So they don't believe the abuse is happening. I know it's because WH got to them first and filled their heads with all sorts of junk about me. But his mom and other sister have known about the situation for the last year. I have had lengthy conversations with them. So obviously, that family is just not communicating. But if it makes them feel better to be in denial about WH and be angry with me, that's fine. I can handle the anger.

ok, so it's been a couple days. WH is out of jail and staying at his Dad and stepmom's house (his dad is at least a 2 time WH, himself). He has been ordered to not be on the property at all. I don't know for how long. He has his preliminary hearing on Monday. I have been informally suspended from EMS, for the emails I sent. Being called possible harassment. WTF? Since when is the truth harassment? This evening, I receive notice of OW filing a temporary restraining order on me. Made up all sorts of things. My mom and I sat down tonight and we can pretty much counter all the made up stuff. There are maybe 3 things in there that actually happened, in which she only gives half the story. But none of them could be considered harassment. She says my behavior toward her is anywhere from overly friendly to cruel hurtful and vindictive (interesting, those are almost word for word what WH has been calling me lately) and my mood swings are sudden and dramatic. She says this has been going on for a year and a half. Actually, I only started suspecting anything in the last 13 1/2 months and she's getting the year and a half from the exposure email I sent out, where I tell people it's been going on for a year and a half. Before that, I never had any reason to treat her any way but nicely. She's the one who has called the cops on me twice, altho she has never gotten anywhere with it. Anyhow, I really don't think it will hold up in court. I don't know how she expects me to come to her house all winter and traipse around her back yard when I work all day and have the kids pretty much by myself all night, while WH is off doing who knows what. Does she think I dragged my kids along with me? Come on kids, let's go walk in OWs yard, it will be fun!!! Come on!!! You have GOT to be kidding me. She also accused me of, in the last month, turning over a large flower pot in her back yard, and putting it up to her window so I can look inside. Can you say neurotic? Did I mention she's bipolar? And she drinks? What a great combo, don't you think? Anyhow, this isn't a bashing post, just an update as to how things are going. UGH!!!

Sorry to hear it. I'm glad you're safe.

Others have said here to document each and every thing that happens in your life, to the very minute, in a notebook. Make sure it's a bound notebook (like a hardback book) so that no one can accuse you of adding or subtracting like you could in a open and close notebook. Go back to the beginning and add in what you remember, by date. Just the facts.

You will probably need it in court with these lunatics.

Oh, and do some creative thinking about who you can go to to put pressure on them to back off.