Mom,

Listen...when my BH told my mom about my A--she was livid....She is one of those very old fashioned, very religious types and she basically reamed me and told me that OM would NEVER be accepted into "their" family. She also called OM and gave him the "what for" too. So, they were not with me at all. My own daughter is the one who told my H what was going on so my family was not protecting my A at all. I guess it just depends on the type of people you are dealing with.
And, yes, I would think that it would have something to do with her job too--her company must have a policy against this kind of thing. A letter may be the best thing for OW's parents if you are afraid they will hang up on you but, so what if they do? It's not like it's going to hurt you if they were to hang up on you.
My OM's family was never exposed to the last I heard (over 6 months ago) but his 2 grown children knew about it and of course his W. As far as I ever knew that was all in their family that was ever informed about it.

Hi M2B,

I was asked to look in on your thread. I havent read the other one yet.

Firstly, I like what Pepperband and Chrysalis have to say about journaling. I still have the log of every text, IM, and brief outline of each phone call I received from Flick during the A. No matter how insignificant it was. Reading back thru it a few months ago, I could see how it could be a very damming indictment of his mental status at the time....

I would like to just clarify something... The physical attacks of late... has your WH ever been violent towards you in the past, or is this an A manifestation?

FWIW, Flick is a fireman and he left his brigade a week after d-day. I exposed to all his collegues.

My x-partner was phsically abusive thru most of our relationship. It never went away, only escalated.

I believe it was my exposure letter to the PQ's parents that started to break dowm the A. Exposure is your best weapon, and its how you weld it, that makes it effective.
For example you could say "oh that lousy **** he's ***** that **** and they are ****" etc and you will look mad, bad, or crazy. I LOVE the broken record response.

Bumping for momtobug

Sorry I have been MIA. WH took the 2 desktop computers out of the house to an undisclosed location, and still aren't back. He also took the wireless card to my laptop. He gave that back to me tonight, but hid the internet hub. He finally hooked it back up. He's been a rare piece of work the last 24 hours.

ok, another question or 2. First, I am planning on sending WH and OW a copy of the email I send to coworkers and friends. Is this a good idea? I was also contemplating what would be better: making up a distribution list so no one can see who all the email was sent to or just putting each individual email address so everyone (namely WH and OW) can see who ALL is getting it. Finally, is there any major threat to them coming back and trying to get me for slander or defamation of character, with exposing? I'm only telling the facts and making it crystal clear what I have and haven't found. Feedback? THANKS SO MUCH!!!

I'm not trying to be insensitive but if you only plan on telling the facts, then your WH and OW already know the facts...why bother sending them a copy? Just send the info out to who it really matters. I don't think that telling the truth about someone could be considered defamation or slander. It really seems like you are wasting alot of time "thinking" about exposure and I understand that you want to make sure it's done right but you also have to remember that time is of the essence in putting an END to the A.

My 2c.....

My exposure was as follows....
E-mail to WW/OMs 3 bosses and HR boss.

WWs family..parents, uncles, grandma.

OMs family.....every one of them.

I was terrified to do it! After it was done I actually felt BETTER!
The burden was off me....and on them!


The employer letter is the one from here.

The family letters I drafted(with help...Mel). At the end of the letters I asked for advice. I also put all my phone #s and e-mail.

Look at it this way. By NOT ccing WH and OW, think of the trickle down crap they are going to have to go through as they start getting phone calls they weren't prepared for...hilarious!

Mom, what are you talking about? Of course I'm not having an affair!
Dad, um, no...I'm not having an affair...she's just crazy. Let me explain! No, it ISN'T true!
Sis, calm down! Yeah, I know what you heard, apparently everyone in town has heard it...but I swear I would never - oh, she showed you that?
Uh, Mr. Boss, I...uh...I don't know what to say...I really didn't think I was doing anything wrong by company standards...
*sigh* Hi Uncle Tom...Yes...we are having some problems...yes, I pretty much figured you'd be calling me...yeah, yeah, it's true. I slept with another woman. (click) Uncle Tom? Uncle Tom?

Just remember to steel yourself for the fight. He will be FURIOUS with you. PLEASE make sure you have a member of your family with you for the next 48-72 hours. Please! Or move out. Or call the police.

He will get over the rage, but the rage will be there at first, I promise.

But it is the ONLY way you will ever get him back.

Have you practiced what you're going to say when he yells at you? A typical answer used often is

"I only told people the facts. Facts cannot be denied; they just are. I am trying to save my marriage and this is the only way to get the affair to stop. Would you like a sandwich?"

BTW, if he is taking away computer access from you, I advise you to borrow someone else's equipment before you expose, so that you will still have control. You'll need to borrow some form of Internet card, etc., too. Don't let him know that you have it. In fact, you might keep it in your car trunk.

Oh, and ALWAYS keep a bag packed and in your car, and always keep your keys IN your pocket! And if he has the ability to block your car (in a driveway, etc.), park your car somewhere that he can't do that.

Dawn, I realize it may look like I'm taking my sweet time with this. But with the history of my WH being physically abusive in the past, Dr. Harley is encouraging me to be cautious about it. Which is why I have picked this specific day, so I'm off work and the kids are off school. So we can be in a safe place when it happens. This had to be very well thought out. This is a very important thing, but the safety of myself and my children are much more important.

Ok, no CCing.

I'm so nervous about the phone calls. I don't know HOW I'm going to sleep tonight!

You need to take all the precautions YOU and your kids need. You will feel better afterwards. I know it's hard to see that rite now.....I didn't see it before I did it.

You'll do great! Look at all the great help and advice you're getting!

Please don't forget that aside from your family, your state/county/city has facilities to help you! Use them!

Good luck! And let us know!

Well, last night took a turn for the worse and WH is sitting in jail with a Disorderly Conduct and False Imprisonment charge on him. Things got really bad. I'm safe for a few days. He can't come around until about 11pm on Sunday night. I feel bad for the situation, and that it's come to this, but I know it's not my fault. What I'm sure he can't believe is that he's sitting in jail when HE'S the one who called the cops! I'm sure he never imagined he'd be the one arrested! I hope you don't think I'm enjoying this, because I'm not. But his violence does help solidify my character, I guess.

Wow. What the heck happened? I understand what you're saying--your safety is paramount. But, while he's locked away in jail for a few days would be a perfect time to do whatever you're going to do!!! Seeine as how he's incarcerated. And, then, he wouldn't dare to anything when he gets out to risk going back. This could be a blessing for you...

It's done, for the most part. So far, I have only received email from HR where OW works, advising me that the email is only for business and customers, it's not a business issue and further email will result in legal action. Nice.

WH ended up in jail after he called the cops? Sounds like poetic justice to me. At least you now have an official record of his nutty behavior. Stay safe. Now that you have exposed, stay clear of him. Sounds like he will self destruct on his own.

That's very shocking that any HR person would respond to such a serious issue that way. I'm very surprised at that. I guess they don't care that their employee is using company time/resources to conduct an extramarital affair? That's craziness.

Have you looked into getting a restraining order against him while he is in jail? Seems like you now have documented good cause.

Was the HR person/dept the only recipient of the email? I would print the original email + reply and send a letter to the next person/dept up the food chain, innocently stating that you think your email got to the wrong person, and you hope that they can point you to the right place ... and given the recent violence (attach a copy of the police report) you're certain that someone in the company will agree this is a serious matter deserving attention. If HR doesn't want you to email them, that's fine, just find another method of communication (and in the process be sure to inform the recipient of the rude response you got from HR).

I'm so sorry about your situation ... this is very scary and I hope you have some family/friends nearby to lean on. Has this recent violence changed your mind at all about wanting to reconcile? I think you've got an established history of violence now ... not just a one-time thing (which is bad enough in itself) but a pattern of behavior. Keep you & yours safe ... that's issue #1 right now.

I sent the email to a few different people in the company. HR, marketing, a couple bigwigs. I will see what I can do about sending to the next person up. Yeah, I'm pretty disappointed with how HR responded.

This is a scary situation. What makes it worse is I found out through more snooping this morning that WH had a keylogger program installed on my PRIVATE laptop that he has no ownership of. It's one that emails the log or uploads it to an FTP server. He then gave OW the information. So he gave her permission to get access to my email, my passwords, my Facebook. EVERYTHING!!! How illegal. I got into WHs email this morning and while I was on it, OW started IMing me. She thought I was him. When I sent out the first round of emails (the largest one) she goes "Wait, Mel's emailing." Then she mentioned how she could see what it was about and who it was to. She then realized that it was me, told me she was calling her lawyer and the cops and logged out. I got a call from and officer a couple hours later. Before a question could be asked, I explained the whole situation and the email. When i finished, the officer goes "well, that's good enough for me. I don't even need you to come in. I know you have had a rough day. Get some rest." I LOVE IT!!!! I wonder how OWs employer would feel, knowing she was doing that all while she was supposed to be working!

BTW, I'm safe, the kids and I are at my parents. WH has 72 hours of no contact with me, so I won't be seeing him till at least 11:26pm on Sunday night. I have to go back to PD to make a statement about the previous abuse and I will be telling them about the keylogger program and how OW had access to it. Haven't done anything about a restraining order yet.

Just an update. WH's father called my mother about an hour ago and reamed her a new one. Blamed her for my actions. Said I was committing "Character Assassination." Really went off on her. Didn't blame WH for much of anything. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It just goes to show where WH might get it from. This sucks. I feel bad for my family, but I don't regret for a minute that I exposed.