Great ideas Pep.

If you get a restraining order against WH, document every time he violates it and follow up with filing a formal complaint. Don't argue with him if he does try to call or confront you. Just say "I have nothing to say to you. Do not contact me or I will report you for violating the restraining order" then hang up or walk away. Document and make a complaint. The only contact you two need is through your attorneys. Talk to your attorney about expediting a divorce settlement.



Once a few people know, you probably won't even have to say much anymore because they will likely be warning others to stay away from your abusive H.

You need to get away from him, document every nasty thing he says in regards to you.

GET AN RO NOW! And if you can't, do what BR suggested in regads to the complaint.

Do what BR said in regards to speaking to him afterwards, too.

A little hint about documenting that I have not previously seen on this site.

Use a book that cannot easily be tampered with. For instance, do not use a loose leaf notebook with pages that can be added or subtracted.

Use a spiral notebook or a bound blank book or a student essay book. Date every entry as you write it.

Your writing should be just as it is, with mistakes, different pens, bad grammar, whatever.....

Just keep a daily record in a book that isn't subject to tampering.

That way no one will be able to easily accuse you of adding facts later. You might also note other significant events of the day, such as stock market crashes, bad weather, family birthdays-- things that document that an event happened on the exact day you said it did.

Do not make this a journal about your anger over your spouse's adultery. Just facts.

I totally agree with the journaling......my sister was in the exact same situation your in it really helped her.

Secondly....in my line of work....I work with all aspects of the emergency services in 3 counties. That's fire, police, and ems. Sweetie I know you must know someone in the department you can go to with this. In your line of work you communicate with law enforcement regularly thus you make contacts....ANY officer can take an informational report.....these can be very handy for you in court....and they can be made without wh's knowledge. Get my drift. This is where the phrase "sly as a fox" comes in handy.

Secondly.....are we serious abdicating that she provoke this nut case more with out and out nuclear exposure.....I agree with the idea of answering questions but not unprovoced exposure that might hurt her legally and mot likely physically.

I do not want to open the paper and read about a woman/family who was murdered by a psycho husband, who had anger problems previously, because his affair was exposed. Then knowing people here put the fire under her butt to do it.

This is a situation that needs to be handled carefully. She needs to be very careful with what she says and does.....strategy is the name of the game. I believe exposure under the guise of answering a question could work well....but I would get the pd on board.....I know you have to have some contacts there.

If she would do what people are advising her to do she would expose and have no trouble because the police would know by that point that he's dangerous.

Yes I see that everyone is hopping for exposure.....I am saying there are differnt routes she can go with exposure that will protect her. This is not your standard affair we normally see here.....plus wh is already in a gov agency (fire dept)where he will most likely have a brotherhood that stands behind him.

Mom has a lot to deal with and it needs to be done carefully when dealing with these agencies.....or he may get leverage over her....what if they got into a fight and fire responded for medical.....he claims she is 5150(insanity) and his brothers stand beside that. They haul her off under the health and welfare codes to the padded room and boom he has the kids.

There are a lot more polotics involved in her situation and brushing that off would hurt her...I think she needs to start inside the pd an work her way out.

Also, If he hurts you in some serious way who will take care of your kids? Have you told any of your friends that he has abused you? Again, get a restraining order if you fear he will hurt you. Protect your kid's Mother's health.

Who said she shouldn't consider the safety of herself or her children?

OP is the the one who has to determine for herself what she is comfortable doing based on her firsthand knowledge of the situation. People are making suggestions just as you and told her to think it over carefully. No poster should be acting on any plan of action simply because X told them to do Y.

We can "what if" all sorts of fantastic scenarios either way. Government agencies aren't tolerating that "brotherhood" crap like they used to. Not saying it doesn't happen but most aren't willing to risk their careers and a lawsuit over Fireman #69 because he's banging some coworker and threating his wife to make her shut up about it. But I do agree with you that she should speak to someone within the Dept about the situation. At the very least it will put someone on alert that she felt threatened enough to speak to them and raise an eyebrow if WH starts making wild claims about her. Then she should document the conversation and tell her brother or some other family member about it as well.

Oh Char, you do it SO much better than I do though. Maybe we can pair up and tour the country making fun of WS's. Or, write a book about all of this crapola....

You guys are great. Let's see, yes, a few people know about his abuse. His mother, for one. She saw the bruising last year when I called her over to talk after he had done this. Also, I was picked up by our local EMS (the one we both work for) 2 days after that. I fainted at work (3 days not being able to eat). They saw the bruises and I told them I had knocked into something at work. But last fall, I went back and told our Chief, who was on the call, what had really happened, along with the whole rest of the story.

I love this man and I know he is only doing these things because he is under the psycho influence of the wicked witch of the west. The good man I fell in love with when I was 14 is still in there somewhere.

Mom- i heard this yesterday on NPR, a woman has written a book about her abuse. She said that she finally had an epiphany when her husband, who she loved dearly, was holding a gun to her head threatening to kiss her. She thought, "How can I trust another person's rage?" In otherwords, even though she loved him, in his rage she could not trust him to not hurt her.

The good man may be in there, but you cannot trust his rage. Protect yourself and your 4 wonderful children.

It's a good thing that other are aware of his abuse but...


Don't be so quick to blame OW. Your WH is unstable period. Don't romantize this as you trying to save him from himself or the wicked witch. The stakes are too high.

Good luck to you.

Just because you love him does not mean you can't take the steps needed to protect yourself and your children.

People under influences like his do stupid STUPID things.

The PD is the place you should be contacting as they will provide you with protection and you can make reports that will cover you in court.
You are dealing with someone who will act like a PCP ADDICt when he doesn't get his way. Are you willing to allow him to subject your children to that?

Please check out this link for domestic violence hotlines in different states. Call and at least talk to someone and educate yourself on what is going on in your marriage.

You fell in love with a 14 year old boy who grew up into a violent man. There is no good part of him or bad part of him--this is who he is, the total package.

It is not love that binds you to someone who hurts you physically. A strong feeling, connection, dependence--I don't know what it is, but it is not love.

What do your mom and dad think of the abuse? What did your Chief do besides listen? Why weren't you able to eat for three day? What did you mean earlier when you said that your H had taken care of it so you didn't go out to get the baby's milk? (the car keying incident) Did you mean he got the milk for you or that he prevented you from being able to go out and get food for your baby?

CALL!

http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html

So very true.

I'm seriously not afraid of WS. I don't think he will do anything. But just incase, I plan on having a good rally of family and friends with me when I DO expose. I won't protect him from that. I refuse. I won't live in fear of using the most powerful weapon in my arsenal just because he may see try to pin me as the mean, vindictive, psycho wife. He's already going to do that. I have a day planned, in the not so distant future, where I won't be working and the kids won't be in school.

On a side note, our oldest daughter, who had to talk to the cop last night, is starting to "get" some of it. I haven't told the kids what's going on yet. That will come with "E" day. But all of a sudden, she's starting to realize how much Daddy is on call with OW. How often he goes down to the station to "work" while she is there. And to say nothing about the fact that because of OW, our poor daughter had to talk to a police officer, which terrified her. And not only did Daddy support OW through all of it, he didn't even once try to talk to our daughter about it. Make sure she was ok. What a monster he has become. I hope he someday realizes what he has done, not only to me, but to the kids, too, who are supposed to be so important to him.

Do you have any comments about the advice I gave you to DOCUMENT everything ???

Yes, that was excellent advice and something I have already been doing. I have missed a few days, tho, with everything that has happened, so I need to go back and fill in. But it's wonderful advice and I appreciate it immensely!

BTW, I got a really odd text message from him this afternoon. For the last week, he has been all business if he DOES text me. Most of the time, I just don't hear from him. But he was trying to get a hold of me this afternoon for something. He sent me 2 texts pertinent to the situation. Then I got a weird one that said "my corn is hot for humpty..." Then another that was, again, regarding what he was trying to get a hold of me for. The next time I saw him, I asked him about it. He got this goofy (perhaps guilty?) look on his face and said it was just nonsense and he was looking to see if I would reply to it. Just doesn't seem to fit his normal temperament for the week. Anybody have any input on this one?

humpty = you?

I got nothing.

Maybe he meant to send it to OW and was trying to cover for himself. Sounds like he's a corndog.

tl