Herb, you did the right thing. You can't depend on her to tell anyone. She could and would have spun it to her advantage. She was in control and you took that control away. My WH is going to be the same way. I've had a small dose already and, while he's arrogant about it, it has made a small change in him. Chin up. You are doing great. And like Mel said, stop acting needy. She's knows you are already. Time to show her you are different. Act like it doesn't bother you at all. It will probably really make her mad. But she will get the hint that you CAN live without her. That WILL make an impact.

Well if it was things seen it wouldn't require faith would it!

Believe God and pray. Mix that with action such as you are taing and you can't lose. You will prevail in this.

Don't be needy. Be pleasant.

So what you did wrong was telling people??

I am sorry to laugh, but that is just so lame! Herb, don't let her bother you. Like I said, the crackhead is just angry that you took away her crackpipe. She is SUPPOSED to be mad. Her anger reflects a BULLSEYE HIT of her affair!!!

Unless I read something wrong, didn't you say her parent's already knew there was someone but thought it was over and your children weren't surprised because they already suspected?

Perhaps you can politely point that out to her.

Just finished Fireproof.

Man there were a lot of parallels. I've been sleeping in the living room for years. Had a problem with the porn as well. I never thought about it as an addiction, but I know it was. I see it for the filth it is now.

Movies have happy endings, maybe I can to.

I am afraid of one thing. I wonder how I can show love to her if she does not live under the same roof as me. I wonder how I can get her to come home?

Hang tight, she'll be back. You might also have a word with her mother about giving her the boot.

Did you see how the guy in Fireproof didn't give up even when he was discouraged? And how he scared the crap out of the creep who was sniffing around his wife?

That is the one thing that really makes me furious at myself, why didn't I really take a stand at the very beginning. Just one more reason my wife thought I didn't care, I suspect. I hope I haven't botched this whole thing months ago.

It's not over till the fat lady sings - and sometimes not even then.

Now all I need is for her mother to have a stroke and me give her 25000 dollars, except I don't have $25000

shaddup, Herb!

Herb, why not just do the footwork and turn the outcome over to God? It isn't going to help you to worry yourself to death. Just focus on being as pleasant as possible and don't let her upset you with her ire. This will blow over. At least now you have a CHANCE. You didn't before.

Just hang tight. You are closer to recovery today than you were last week. And you have also proven to HERB that he has the NADS to do the tough stuff when neccessary. YOU CAN COUNT ON HERB. I am sure you have to feel somewhat reassured about that, right?

HERB IS A MAN WHO CAN BE COUNTED ON.

Thanks Mel, I do feel like I have finally done something for once, maybe the first time. I have been praying a lot, thanking God for holding me, I am so sad and numb I can barely feel it. But it is getting better. She just left, very mad. But some of the things she said leave me with the impression that working things out at least is crossing her mind, even if begrudgingly. But I have let myself get to high before. But now I know I sound like Eeyore.

ARe you letting her know that her anger is scaring you so badly? [a bad move!] Or are you being strong, pleasant and attractive?

What did she say exactly?

Herb, here is what I would focus on besides being as pleasant and attractive [versus scared and needy] as possible. Focus on being a LEADER in your marriage and leading your marriage out of this mess.

Right now you are letting an angry, drunk wayward do the leading while you sit around waiting for orders from a DRUNK DRIVER. Instead of letting a drunk drive the car, how about takng the keys and drive your marriage to safety with an effective plan to save your marriage?

Why not set the AGENDA yourself and give her an opportunity to come aboard?

For example, after a few days her fury will die down. I would set her down and let her know that you do have hope for your marriage and would be willing to stay in the marriage as long as she agreed to a PROGRAM OF RECOVERY. You are willing to give her a chance to earn your forgiveness. You know your marriage was terrible for years but believe you have a plan that can rebuild your marriage and make you both happy. This plan can create romantic love again.

Then hand her the outline of Harley's program for Recovery.

Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair

"This is what it will take to recover our marriage. I do not want our old marriage back, but I would be willing to try this plan.."

Lead your wife out of the darkness, Herb. Stand up for your marriage..

"I am willing to give this marriage a try if we work to repair the damage that has been done. I am not willing to stay in the marriage as it was. So if you are willing to do this, I would be willing to reconcile."

You drive the car, Herb. Not her. if there is no plan of recovery, you won't have a marriage anyway. But you can't sit around and wait for a drunken wayward to lead you of the darkness. She only knows how to screw up your marriage she sure doesn't know how to fix it.

You have to show her the way. Show her the way, Herb. Be a leader in your marriage. You have been a follower. That has to change. Be a leader..

Herb:

Your conflict avdidance has gotten you to this point.

Sleeping on the couch downstairs....
Living your life....
She living hers...

However....

She is currently sleeping at her mothers because you finaly stood up and said "STOP".

And she left. But she WILL be back. Where is she going to go?

I think you need to go collect your daughter from her grandmothers. And speak to your mother in law about what your plan is. And invite your WW home. She may decline. But ASK her. She is WELCOME in your home as long as she in NC with here OM.

Daughter should not have her life disrupted further because mother has gone insane.

You have changed from a SERF into a KNIGHT. No more conflict avoidance for you. WW is operating from the seat of her pants. SHE HAS NO PLAN except her anger to keep you in line.

You have MB. And MB Has plans to help you navigate your way thru this. Your on the storm-tossed ship, and until recently, you never had a map of where the rocks are, or the shoals or even the light houses. MB provides you with a map. What WW will do, try to do, jump at and manipulate. SHE thinks SHE is the first one to ever think of these things. She isn't, she is one of millions. Unfortunately for her, you already have the script. But the final scenes are NOT written yet. WW can return. to a BETTER marriage. Or she just may go. Your in for a fight. Breaking up the A was the first step. What happens next is ALOT harder.

But it IS a fight worth fighting. IF you lose? Then you fought the good fight. If you win? Its what you wanted.

Even your past month indicates how much the information here helps you. You read the threads and the links and they detailed all the things the WW had done, was doing and how she was acting. And then you exposed, and suddenly, your in charge of this boat. It more fun to be CAPITAN, rather than putting coal in to the boiler..

LG

I am reading "Surviving An Affair" right now and just getting to those chapters. I will just have to wait for the dust to settle and then talk to her about it.

She was still just mad about exposure day in general, in her mind I am just trying to get the kids to take sides, like I am just trying to win somehow. One of her legitimate beefs about our marriage is that I always let her be the bad guy with the kids. She usually got to the point of getting on them before I did, so it always looked like she as mean and i just joined in after the fact. There is a lot of hard work to do that we have never addressed. I see it now, just waiting for the day we can do it together.

Just a word of advice to anyone inclined to hear. God's word is never wrong. A husband should lead his family. I am not talking about domination. I was guilty of abdicating a lot of things to her and not giving her support. Lead by showing love and putting your wife first. Lead spiritually, by being a godly man.