Thinking about you zen.

Dr. Harley sounded like he had some hope. I will talk to him on Wednesday. I am withholding ALL judgement until I've had some time to think.

This is not a decision I will make quickly.

Really guys I would post here but I'm embarassed and just too stuck to really say anything. I am hearing your advice, I just need to look at the whole picture and choose my actions based on my mind and my heart and the best advice I can seek. I'm not ignoring, I'm just listening. Thank you all again, so much.

Don't let yourself turn into Pom.

Like everyone said, copy all posts and have them deleted.

Pom's ex used everything he posted against him, don't let that happen to you.

Zen, please tell us

What do YOU need right now from Coho? Actual actions, not words. What is something she can DO?

Zen, this is what your future will be like. This is your wife's pattern and always has been. She feels entitled to have affairs. This is a way of life with her. You knew this when you married her and she has stayed true to form. This will get worse as time goes on. You must accept that you cannot change her and remove yourself from her arena of abuse. Please face the truth before she tears you down even more and more.

what you need, Zen, is to move to protect yourself legally. Your W has written that she will give you favorable conditions. You should take her up on it.

You cannot change her, friend. This is your future if you don't stop it now. You can have short term pain and long term happiness or you can have short term pain and long term PAIN. It is your choice.

BINGO!

Zen, I think you should take all the time you need to think. Counsel w/ the Harleys. But counsel with an attorney, too. Get Coho out of the house. I know Dr. Harley thinks partners should be together but your kids don't need to witness this poison. Plus, you can't be with Coho (hopefully never again) until she clears her STD tests.

Set up a poly and have her submit to it.

Whatever you do, YOU run the show. Coho gets no say in it. My own stupid opinion.

I hope you will kick her to the curb but in the event you decide not to, I think the post-nupt sounds like good insurance. I hope you have extra bandages for your heart.

ZW,

I think that until Coho realizes that she could really lose you she has no reason to change anything. She has had no real consequences so far for her choices.

She was planning a marriage to POSom! Let her see what life after ZW will be like. Let her be alone, wondering where her next meal will come from or worrying about whether or not she will ever be respected by her own children. Let her feel the consequences for her actions.

Right now Coho doesn't have a problem. She doesn't have a problem because she has been able to make it your problem and you have willingly taken on the responsibility for her choices. YOU have made it your problem. Help her to have a problem so that she can get help for it. Saving her from herself sounds noble but will not really help her and will only destroy your love for her and ultimately you yourself.

You can't fix her, only prevent her from fixing herself...

Mark

You are absolutely right Mark.

Mark is absolutely right. Its time to stop being an enabler. She needs to work to get you back. Any thing less then the hardest thing she has ever done, only cheapens your worth ZEN.

ZW - Again, I want to say how sorry I am for your pain. No-one here can tell you what to do. This is your life and you make the decisions in your life and live with them. I sense, as I think we all do, that you want to take your WW back.

You are reading all the opinions here, and say you're taking them on board, so I'll share mine. I think your WW is a player, and she is playing you. She is clever, thinks she is far more intelligent than us BS on an internet forum, and sadly I think she believes she is more intelligent than Dr H.

She said...


.. "Should I just leave? should I go out to my mom's? people seem to be saying I should just do that on my own, but, really? doesn't Harley say to stay close?"


She is using and manpulating MB techniques to get back into the home. She is saying what she knows it is required that a WS say in order to get back home. Unfortunately, her words are meaningless. Do not listen to her words. Do not let her manipulate the great advice on this site to suit HER NEEDS. I guarantee she is telling you that she needs to be home so that she can put the work into fixing the M.

The real problem though is not the M, IT IS HER. SHE needs to fix herself.

She has had her fix and for now is satiated, so she chooses her enabler to provide for her other needs but only until she needs her next fix, and she will sooner or later need that fix, because you cannot provide the adrenaline rush that she thinks she needs.

Do not be the easy choice for her to take. I am not advocating divorce - not at all. I think we are all capable of change, but some people are more resistant to change than others. She will not fix herself if you carry on enabling her, and constantly cushion her from facing the consequences of her actions.

Show her the way home, by all means, but make it a long road home, albeit with a map that is very easy for her to follow. Be the lighthouse (such a great and inspirational thread), but please don't be the doormat. She must prove herself not with words but with actions, and in the meantime you must protect yourself and you two little children.

She said she felt nothing she could do was right, so she actually blameshifted her actions on you. She justified betraying you again to that fact. So all of a sudden she is willing now that she has had her "fix". There is no change. I know you want to see it, but it's not there. She will try all to get you back, once she succeeds, she will DO IT AGAIN. You are the stable man, and OM is her "Rush" man. Typical cake eating. The ball is in your court Zen. I hope you make the wise decision on how you play with it. She also threw salt on the wound by saying she missed him..imagine that. :RollieEyes:

Don't trust your heart...the Bible says, 'The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate.' So don't trust your heart. Base your actions on her ACTIONS.

EXACTLY. She needs to actually be broken and humble before any changes can be made. And, they have to be made WITHIN, by her. I don't think she sees the far reaching consequences of any decisions that she might make (or the ones that she has made for that matter).

What do YOU need right now? How are you holding up? How are YOU dealing with this right now?

Coho posted in her thread:



PLEASE take her up on this offer. Print this off and give it to your attorney and proceed with Plan D (if it were me ... it would be Plan FU).

Then, after the D is final on the above terms, if for some unexplainable reason you would want to attempt some form of R, then you can do it on your terms, rather than hers.

However, I am fairly confident that you WILL NOT do this ... you will take Coho back with minimal consequences ... and you will waste many years of your future until there is nothing remaining of ZW but the shell of a broken cuckhold ... THAT IS YOUR FUTURE!!!

[


Ya, right! Until the attorneys get involved.

She is so incredibly deceitful. She wants to marry the OM. Just how long do you think she can stay away from the man she wants to MARRY? She arrogantly disrespects to people when you are not around (like her hairdresser). While she is telling you that she loves you. She is arranging her next sex interlude with the OM. BASED ON HER ACTIONS, DO YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT WHEN SHE IS IN HEAT AGAIN, THAT SHE WILL NOT START WAVING HER TAIL IN FRONT OF THE OM?

I'm having a hard time reconcilling

"I only want ZW"

with

'she wants to marry the OM'