She can't legally do that, though. I would take the lock off the door so she can't. And put a sleeping bag in the garage for her in case she doesn't want to sleep with you. [be a gentleman and put a nice rose in her sleeping bag ] But you should not leave your bed because she wants to punish you for standing up for yourself.

Don't feed a TYRANT.

What does your DD think about her adulterous mother? Has she been told the entire truth about her mothers adultery? Or is your WW being allowed to spin her with lies about her evil father?

p.s. Herb, you asked yesterday if you should leave your house to accommodate your sulky wayward wife.

A LEADER does not abandon his family in their time of NEED. A LEADER does not abandon his children, when they need his most, in order to appease a TYRANT. A LEADER stays and leads his family out of hell in their time of need. That is your job, Sir.

Herb - there is no doubt there were issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. But if there was no OM suddenly these issues wouldn't be insurmountable if you were prepared to address them.

In an affair, everything is magnified and made to seem worse than it is/was. Your wife has to do this so she can justify her affair.

When NC is in place she will have a rectal cranial extraction and things will change.

Herb - I have lived this nightmare myself. My wife left me and our home. I did exactly what you are being advised to do here. It does work.

If your wife is going to take the bedroom and lock you out, remove the locking mechanism of the b/r door.

Wife came home this morning to get ready for work. I was just getting out of the shower I use so we didn't speak. I got dressed and took her up her cup of tea, as usual. She was in the tub, I just set the cup on the sink and said good morning, no response. I was downstairs and she came to the stairs to tell me something about the car that we are having to decide what do do about. I asked her if she wanted me to fix her anything to eat, she said she couldn't eat anything and started to break down. I went up to see her. She was a distraught as I have ever seen. Told me I had won, I had broken her down, she had nothing left. Accused me of being angry and bitter. I told her I wasn't, and talked to her about how we could get through this. She was not defiant as she is sometimes. Said she didn't know me anymore. I take that as a good thing, that my change in attitude is affecting her.

She is quite depressed. She has been for a while, it started a while before the A, with our relationship really troubling her, the second daughter getting ready to fly the coop, both the older ones asserting their Independence in confrontational ways, and a ridiculously bad time at work all adding up at once. The reason she started the counseling was to try to get through it.

I stressed to her that I was here for her and would not abandon her again.

She is very confused, still foggy, I think. Plus the depression of what the exposure has brought added to her already depressed state. She is a mess, really. Hard to know what to do.

It is hard to figure out how people look at themselves. I have not really said much about her. She is very pretty, she is actually more beautiful now than when we married. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say there are not many 45 yr old women in this town that I would place above her. But, based on her relationship with her mother, she has this feeling that nothing she does is enough, she works her tail off, tries to do everything, to seek approval. She has been at her place of work for 20 years and has become the most vital person there in my opinion. But she still has a low self worth in some ways, a need for approval. My personality is quite different. Not to sound boastful, but I am very smart and was always able to do very well at anything with one half of my brain tied behind my back. And that was enough for me. I see that as a flaw, always have, but I can do more things, quickly, than most people, and I never really tried to be excellent, just better than others was good enough. Also, my father was a fireman, so he was away from home at work on a lot of nights, and on the other nights, many of them he was out working on something else, like drinking and catting around. So I think I believed that since I stayed at home and didn't drink, I always was at the kids activities, that I was doing fine. But I see now that I failed to give a lot of other things. With her personality, she took all of this as rejection, that I didn't find her desirable, etc. I took her reactions as rejection and avoided conflict like I did at home when I was a kid, don't let yourself get to deeply attached and you won't get hurt as bad. So the two of us synergisticly made things even worse.

You are doing just great, Herb. Continue to be a leader in your marriage and lead her out of this. Her depression comes mainly from her violation of her conscience. She is addicted to the OM and is in withdrawal. The best thing you can is stand strong for your marriage and lead her out of this darkness. Be supportive of anything that will HELP YOUR MARRIAGE and cast out anything you know will harm it.

You did really good!

The only thing left to do is to inform the OMW of the affair and get her on board with monitoring contact from her end. She can be a great ally in saving both your marriages.

Your wife is coming around. It sounds like she has surrendered and has accepted that her affair is over.

I would throw something out there about your DD. Your DD needs to be in her own home. It is not in her best interest to be yanked out of her home because your wife is angry about the consequences of her affair. Tell your wife DD needs to be in her own home. Say this-------------> it is not good for her to be dragged out of her home as a consequence of your affair. She needs to come home.

Your wife is not operating in your DD's best interest, Herb, and since you are the LEADER of this family, it will be up to you to correct that situation.

Does your DD know about the affair, Herb?

Yes

We should all be at home now.

All the kids will be in for the weekend.

We will need to figure out where to go on Easter.

About to try to make a delivery again. I think I have run out a tank of gas trying.

Awesome job! She's probably wondering where her H went. You know, the guy that she could intimidate with her anger and threats.

I agree with ML... you are on the right path.

I wish it didn't take so long for the withdrawal, I would like to feel some love again, heck even feeling some like would be welcome.

One downside to finally figuring out how I should be in our marriage is seeing what a chump I was in the past.

Herb, what do you usually do for Easter? How about having a nice big dinner at your house? You could go grocery shopping and plan out a menu. Tell your family that Easter dinner will be at your home. And invite your WW of course! Dinner served at 2:00 after CHURCH. [a new church, of course!]

We can help you plan a menu. Can your kids cook?

[
Herb, tell her that you do want her home but you are not interested in a business arrangment. That does not appeal to you. You would be interested, though, in working together to build a happy, fulfilled marriage.

PERFECT !
Have a real estate rental agreement ready for her to sign.

-A down payment equal to one month's rent (of course)
-Monthly rental (one half of mortgage payment)
-Shared expenses of food and utilities (she pays exactly 50%)
-A comprehensive list of "house rules" she must agree to follow
... including TV time she is allowed, phone time she is allowed, no pets allowed, no visitors without your prior approval ...

I AM joking .... don't do this .... but it is an awesome thing to SAY to her if she insists on calling this a "business arrangement" ... "OK, I'll have my attorney draw up an arrangement".....

Usually we go to her folks after church and eat. I hope that is what we do this year. And yes, we will be attending a different church.

I have told her that, this morning was a big change. Just have some tough times to work through.

herb,

Finally, we have a common denominator where we can communicate effectively.

You see ... the quote above of yours, explains my username ... MyRevelation ... came from the "light bulb" moment where I realized that I had turned into something that was not me.

I had a Revelation about how I used to be this larger than life personality that my W admired and was proud of ... then I had to look in the mirror that saw this needy/clingy wienie ... which was not ME at all.

It almost hit me like a ton of bricks, and as soon as I realized it, I instantly reclaimed my prior confidence, and my W (FogFree) recognized it immediately and RESPONDED positively.

Now, from your discriptions, your M was much worse than ours pre-A, so I don't know how yours will R ... if it will at all, but the fact remains that you've had your own "revelation" and can take back your status as whatever it was that attracted your WW to you originally.

If you are successful, there is also a side-benefit, should you choose to play it ... whereby there will be a shift in power at the herb household, and you can use the language that you learn here to discuss things with your WW so she can see your perspective, like you have been enlightened to her perspective, and your marital relationship should IMPROVE greatly as you both reach for the status of equal partners.

Now admittedly, the above paragraph is a little criptic so as not to offend some of the more easily offended posters, but hopefully you get my drift ... if not, feel free to email me at the address in my signature and I can explain it in more detail.

You took a couple of good hits from me, but I'm truly happy that for whatever reason, you have taken back some measure of control over your own happiness going forward ... FEELS GOOD DOESN'T IT???

I feel like I am in control of myself and my destiny finally. She feels now that I am trying to be a tyrant, but I have learned enough on here to ignore anything from her for a while, just give and give. That does feel good, but I have to admit that seeing her crushed and an emotional shambles hurts me to the core, even though I know what caused it. I can't help it.

Just some advice from a guy whose BTDT ... let her CRASH!!!

I know you want to protect the one you love ... but DON'T EVER FORGET what got her to this place ... you may love her, but she has DISRESPECTED you in the worst possible way.

Just DETACH from it as much as possible and REMEMBER that every time you see her "crushed and an emotional shambles" ... your status IMPROVES. This actually gets back to "side-benefits" part that "may" come later, if you all successfully R ... like I said ... there will be a change in the balance of power at the herb-household ... let it happen!!!

I get your drift.

While she is in withdrawal, meeting her EN's do not help.

Learn how to do this by not LBing. Get to be a cool hand no matter what she says. She is pissed for a number of reasons. Try not add to them. She is looking for excuses to reasonably dump you.

Don't look to respond to argument, LB's are 10x worse than meeting needs.

This is all in the articles.