Then you need to accept that marital recovery WILL NOT HAPPEN. Unless he ends all contact with the OW, there is no hope. Ignoring this will not make it go away. Just becauswe he might say NO to a non negotiable condition does not mean it can be ignored. This is essential to your recovery and you cannot afford to ignore it.

It has to be addressed and HANDLED before he comes back lest you lose all your leverage. Don't set yourself up for a false recovery just because you are AFRAID he won't do even the basic things necessary to recover your marriage.

Do you want a FALSE recovery where you have forfeited any legal advantage? Becauswe that is where you are headed with this path.

Should I go ahead and say the NC thing now? The "someone can't work there" thing now??

Mel, I don't want a false recovery!! I've already been there twice (our own plan) and it sucks.

YES!!!!!.....Them working together is WHY you already went through 2 false recoveries. As you can see, this cannot happen. Not in any way, shape or form....

Just be calm and steady, as you have been, in stating this. Stand your ground, firmly but calmly......

This is IMPARATIVE to recovery....

(((VST)))

not2fun

Ok, here's what I said: "I'm going to go ahead and tell you what my first and foremost requirement is regarding you moving back in with us. Either you or BH's wife will have to find another job and leave. After that, there will be no contact for life.

Again, give yourself some time to consider everything involved here before you answer."

I used the "his wife" thing to refer to OW - love it!

VST -- you need to change your way of looking at things.

Your husband has lost all negotiating power. It simply doesn't matter if he whines, cries, gets mad, or demands anything. He doesn't get to dictate ANY of the terms of surrender.

Do you understand that?

You have absolutely nothing to fear. You are in the drivers seat, so you better have an idea of where you are taking this marriage.

You are going to build a new marriage. On your terms. WH gets to come along, and eventually he will enjoy where you are taking him.

Wow! He said, "fine I hope you don't mind moving." !!

I said, "if it means saving our marriage and family, I'll move anywhere."

Well then............very interesting reply, not at all what I expected. He probably thinks I'll back down though....

Thanks Lexxy, you're totally right and just have to keep my strength and confidence up!

He said "I'll send out resumes next week." I said "that is a great first step. Thank you."

Wahhh I don't want to move!

Yep it was all a trick he just said "I'm not leaving my job. Sorry."

Now what??

What a jerk

I would say to him:

Then you are choosing your job over your family.

I will not attempt a 3rd time to recover our marriage if you are still seeing your adultery partner every day. It has already proven to be a recipe for failure.

Either Mrs. XX leaves. Or you leave.

I hope you choose your family over your job.

He said: "I love my job. I'm good at it. I worked hard to get where I am... I am not leaving my job to save a loveless marriage... Next option?"

I knew it'd come to this.

Stop the battle. The idea is to win the war, not every battle.

You don't need to keep engaging.

You've said what you need to say. Leave the ball in his court and walk away.

Or:

I don't want a loveless marriage either. The last year has been extremely painful for me also.
There are ways for us to create a new marriage. One where we can both be happy.

Let Him Stew!

VST,

The thing is YOU both have choices.....

His choice is.....skank or his family.
The fact that he is throwing his job into the mix is just an attempt to keep the OW. He may love it and be good at it, but where those things important when he CHOOSE to engage in an affair???.....the loss of his job is a consequence. If you choose to let him stay at his work, then you are stepping in the way of him not suffering the consequence....step aside and let him choose.

Your choice is.....recovery or divorce. You also have the choice of Recovery or False Recovery.....which is it do you want???

My advice to this is to leave him alone for now. Let him mull over his options. He keeps coming to you with his 2yrs. old antics because it helps his mind JUSTIFY what he is doing. He THINKS there is no choice, but there are ALWAYS choices.

FWIW, my H was the same way......While he didn't work with COW (he owns his own business), he did business with the company she worked with. He tried to come up with ALL kinds of way he could still do business with COW....I can deal with another Rep., I can do everything by email, they are the best and without them my business with suffer, wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhh.....but I knew that none of it was acceptable. Oh, and I did feel sorry for him and even CONSIDERED the possibilities, but deep down, I knew it WOULD never ever work.......

and eventually, so did he.

And now, he doesn't do business with that company, started his OWN mailing company, and now everything is working well in the end. BUT it took a lot of HARD work on HIS end for that to happen. I just had to step out of the way and let him do it......

(((((vst))))))

I know this is hard.....I'm still praying for you and your family......

not2fun

Thanks everybody....

VST,

I wanted to add, one of Dr. H critical elements in marriage is POJA....Policy of Joint Agreement. Where the spouse negotiate certain things in the marriage where everyone is happy with the outcome. This is a vital element to all the recovered marriages on here. BUT.....

Dr. H is very adament is that NO CONTACT is non-negotiable. It can't be. He advocates couples dealing with affairs that the AP'S must never see or speak to each other again FOR LIFE. Even if a spouse must change jobs or they must move.....it is the very CRUX of recovery......

Hang in there....you are doing a wonderful job.....

not2fun

It's amazing what LONELY weekends do to the mind of a wayward.

Be patient! Let him stew a bit!

Accept nothing less than 100% NO CONTACT!