I know I am setting myself up as a wimp by asking this, but what about where I sleep at least tonight. When talking this morning, my insisting that I sleep in our bed visibly gave her the shakes, she is a wreck. I don't think she has slept much in days, can't eat. How much should I push it, or is this a concession I can make for now? I am torn, her physical being is not good right now.

Sleep in your bed. Tell her she can sleep there too if she wants. On top of the blanket if she wants.

I agree with Pepperband. Reclaim your bed. She is welcome to join you if she chooses. Now is the time to show your strength.

Wow,I just got a call from the wife. Back late last year, I let it out that I had been monitoring the cell phone records online, she changed the password. I never insisted I know, I had my own plan to fix things remember . When we talked last night, I told her that I wanted her home, with no secret cell phone bills, no passworded computers, etc.

She went online and couldn't figure out what the password was (she is pretty mentally shot), so she had them remove online access for our account and all bills and records will be sent to the house. She did that without me asking again. Called and told me, I told her thanks.

I think this is the first thing I have seen that really gives me some hope.

Herb - you sleep in your bed - she makes other arrangements if she desn't want to sleep with you. My wife only lasted 2 nights in my office before she came back to our bed.

But withdrawal will most probably be nasty with a lot of what you see as progress only to end up back seemingly at square one. She will be withdrawn frm you and will shun you touching her in any way. She may or may not be remorseful at this stage. She may break NC and call OM. This could last for a couple of months.

One day then a switch flicks in her and you will see some good forward progress. Be patient with her and be supportive.

and Herb if you see every little thing as "giving you some hope" you will be an emotiuonal wreck soon.

You have to learn not to get your validation from her. Know who you are in Christ. Be happy.

How about calling them up and getting it back online and you have the only password? You need to be able to watch her like a hawk.

Man, it is easy so easy to forget that this takes weeks when every day seems like a month.

It seems like every devotional, every Sunday school lesson, every book I read is telling me the same thing. It is sinking in.

It's a rollercoaster Herb. A marathon not a sprint. You will wear yourself out thinking you are at one spot when you suddenly find yourself back at square one again. The overall momentum should be positive however. I do not want to discourage you - I only want you to be sober in your judgements and KNOW there will be frustrating setbacks regularly.

Here is a post by Snowbelle which described withdrawal perfectly...

In my situation, things rapidly improved after 6 weeks but it was 6 months before I knew my wife really got it. It's a process.

It is a slow arduous process. My W's withdrawal lasted about 3 weeks but she was on the fast track. Took a lot longer for the fog to lift, however. Like bigkahuna, it took my W about 6 months.

When my W first moved back home, she wanted to sleep in the loft but I convinced her to stay in our bed. It helped that I hid the remote for that TV and offered up the television in the master bedroom...

She is perfectly welcome to come to your bed, but you have no reason to leave your bed. That is up to her if she doesn't want to sleep there.

If she doesn't want to sleep with you, be a gentleman and make up the couch or put a sleeping bag out in the garage for her.

But under no circumstances should you EVER LEAVE the marital bed again. A leader does not leave his post.

I agree. When I read that she did this, it made me suspicious . She couldn't remember the password? I agree you should get it back online and monitor.

The one thing I have found from the ones of you that have stuck with me for the last few days is truth. Truth from a friend (and that is what I feel, anyone that cares like you folks do is a friend) is never discouraging.

Well, I have not posted today, mostly because i knew I'd get a tongue lashing. I told my wife I would let her get some rest last night and did not push the sleeping arrangements. She did sleep last night. I will be where I belong tonight.

Pretty uneventful day for me. Wife had a migraine, but no unpleasantness. Fairly good night, watched TV for a while. She stayed downstairs a good while before going upstairs. Over the last few years, she has retreated to her (should have been our) room as a refuge. Like I said, I let things get pretty unfulfilling around here. But she has been spending more time down with the rest of us, even before I exposed.

Well, I hope I can get some sleep, I will be nervous as a cat. Maybe not. The old Herb had it in his mind that he didn't belong there, the new Herb knows what abandoning his marriage by avoidance will do.

Still no luck with delivery to OMW. I have made at least 15 trips , but they are not home.

Herb - why did you abandon your bed in the first place? 'm sure you have mentioned it before but I can't remember.

Mostly because I had gotten overweight, made snoring much worse, made wife have less desire for relations. Instead of doing what it took to fix the problem, I just took the couch to get some sleep. Slowly but surely led to isolation. I get a lot of blame for it, i have to admit.

The shock of finally realizing I may have lost my marriage really made me see things. I focused on the weight first and really did good (depression didn't hurt either), have lost 45 lbs. Still want to lose more. Started working with th weights as well, so I feel like I have lost even more.

Other than some short lived periods, it has been probably the last ten years. I am very thankful to God for giving me a chance to live my life as I should have. I don't deserve it.

What are you doing about your snoring? That is an annoying habit that needs to be dealt with. What is your plan to deal with it? (I was a terrible snorer as well and know what you have to do about it LOL)

I a serious snorer when I get tired.

Is there not a pillow that stops apnea?