With that being said, I want you to know that I know we can make something out of it and it can be great, but I know he does not know that or believe it at this point.

Is plan A going to change that for him?

honey, we have all been there. This is not a lost cause. You described most of the marriages here. This CAN be fixed. Go watch that Dr H video on that link I gave you!

WE can help you with this. But the reason he does not believe it now is because of his AFFAIR. He is comparing you to her. Once she is out of the picture, this will change. This is why we are fighting SO HARD to get rid of this skank. Once she is gone, you have a CHANCE.

I'm thinking of emailing the OWH and letting him know that my WH and I are not reconciling and that we are separated. And telling him that my terms for him coming home is that someone gets another job. That he needs to know this because as long as they work together AND my WH and I are separated, his marriage is in danger.

I would'nt say 'not reconciling' just that WH has chosen to seperate himself from his family and that you are still fighting for your marriage. It's all about phrasing

Then add the other stuff.

Thanks Lil!

No worries

Hey! I heard that!

I'm so glad you're eating.
Trust us, you're doing everything right.

It's tough, but tough now means the possibility of a great marriage later. I'm very pleased to see you listening and learning from the experiences of others. I know it feels confusing and overwhelming to you right now, but when you've been through it yourself and have a bit of time behind you, and when you've read a few hundred of these stories, you'll be able to look back and understand the advice you're getting, and see how wise you are to stick to your guns. You are doing great.

I'm not doing great. The amusement park trip was today. I'm not capable of doing a plan A. I look at him and think about what he has put me thru for over a year now and still all I hear is "I don't love you" and "she was just a symptom of the problem". I can't take it anymore. I'm just too tired and my spirit is too crushed. He says "everyone thinks is was really horrible of you to call my work" and "I think telling DD was horrible too". So I said ok I'll give you what it seems you want a D. And he say "no I'm not ready to do that, I want to be sure it's the right thing to do". "I need more time to figure out if something is wrong with me or if I really just don't love you".

I'm tired of being strung along. I'm just tired and I hate him and I won't ever trust him. He's hurt me too much.

I'm tired of being lonely and no one caring for me. I'm tired of being treated as being meaningless. I'm just tired.

verysadtime,
I'm sorry you had a bad day...I've tried to post to you before.. I'm not sure you read them because this post exploded yesterday and they may have gotten buried...



You may not believe it but WE care... and you are NOT meaningless....ask your DD....

There is one thing you really need to "get" if you are going to do a Plan "A"....

I'll make this my last post to you... for some reason you don't answer me so I guess you don't want my advice.... (I have a pretty good idea why) so… I'll leave you with this....
When I found out about WW's affair.. I called our minister... When I told him what was going on he said "I've found in most cases it takes two people for this to happen"

In my confused state I didn't understand what he meant... it sounded foolish... So I said "Of course... HER and HIM"

He said no.... "YOU and HER"

So.... I hung up.... because... hey... WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE TO DESERVE THIS!!

I felt bad so I called him back and said the above... He said... "NOTHING...you did NOTHING to DESERVE this"

So I was more confused.... "What?" I said...

Then he told me something that really is the essence of this whole thing...

"You didn't DESREVE this... your W made bad choices and she is wrong in the path she took" "However, YOU had a part in it"

"Like the Bible teaches us NOT to withhold each form the other because it will lead us into temptation" "There was something your W needed very badly that you either didn't or wouldn't provide her"

"I said WHAT?" He said that if I thought long and hard I would come up with that answer on my own... he couldn't answer that only I could.

And he said "When I find that out... I will find out what the enemy used to draw my WW away from the marriage.

Once I found the things I did to close her spirit to me..MOST all of the anger disappeared... and I started to see how much I had crushed her WAY before she crushed me....

I also had a plan now... I started meeting those needs and things turned around...

God has instructed us to forgive 70x7.... I think your first plan should be Plan "F" All the exposure all the blowing up OW all the humble return of your WH all the Plan "A" and "B" and 2x4's and NC and all that won't make a difference if you can't forgive your husband...

Your path to forgiveness is finding out the part YOU played (Please understand the difference between having a part in this and deserving this...your WH is WRONG on so many levels!!)
Preparing the ground to be fertile for the affair to take root.

GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank

One other thing.... We all made MANY vows on our wedding day.

There are MANY other vows that are just as important as "Forsaking all others till death do us part"

If either partner breaks any of the others like.. Love honor and cherish.. or any other.... that's one thing...

BUT... let one of the partners break "FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.."
and everyone in the world is ready to hang them on the spot!

The others can be just as damaging to a marriage….they are just more easily justified and more socially excepted….

I believe that God looks at ALL the vows as equally important... that's why he made more than one....

vst...it's a roller coaster, remember??? You will have lots of ups...AND downs.

You are on the downward spiral right now...in time you will be on the upswing again. This is NORMAL and EXPECTED.

It's ok that you are in this place right now...you might need the break. Just go with it and don't make any hasty decisions.

I don't believe your H wants a D...he even said so. But he is WAY FOGGY RIGHT NOW. He is NOT YOUR HUSBAND.

Can you grasp this concept yet??? Around here we refer to this as the "Alien Wayward Spouse". It really IS like an alien has taken over his body....your husband is GONE right now. The person speaking through him is NOT YOUR HUSBAND.

Do NOT believe a word he says right now. He will change his mind a hundred times over the next few weeks or month. And you will too.

Hang in there...keep Plan A'ing the best you can. You know one thing that got me through these "lows"? I would think to myself:

"D*mn him. If this is going to end in D, it is going to be MY decision, NOT HIS. I will Plan A his sorry *ss if it kills me...because then the choice will be MINE and not HIS. He's taken enough from me and he WILL NOT take this from me to."

It's paid off...we are in recovery and he is Plan A'ing ME now.

Gather up your strength and this can happen to you as well. You are tired right now...get some extra sleep, avoid seeing or talking to him for a few days. This puts the ball back in YOUR court.

Tell him YOU have some things to think about as well, because you do. And then take a few days off from seeing him and watch him squirm.

[quote=PLEASE HELP]
I'll make this my last post to you... for some reason you don't answer me so I guess you don't want my advice....



No PH, I appreciate your advice. I've been telling myself that I do know what my part was and I accept responsibility for it but maybe I haven't really looked at it closely enough. It's hard, and I'm sure you understand, because I feel he crushed my spirit just as much during the same time. I was the one asking him to go to counseling, I was the one saying something is very wrong and I want to fix it, but he didn't want to take the time to do anything. Work was the priority. So I have a lot of resentment myself.

I'm going to take some time this week to reflect on what you said. Thank you.

Mel, I do think I grasp the concept of Plan A. But when I look at his face and hear the spew coming from his lips I lose my resolve. I see him as a pathetic, shell of a man right now. A man who is willing and able to cause me such pain and still only be able to think of himself.

I mean Fri. when he said he was coming home he said "I'll give up my happiness for our DD's". I mean, what the he##?

I honestly feel like I should be in Plan B until the skank is out of his life.

He told me this: "I feel like she is manipulating me because when I said I was thinking of coming home to my family, she would say yes you probably should, but then turn it around to how it affects her." He thinks she's manipulating him?

He's also said many times since exposure, "you've made it impossible for me to continue my friendship with her. You've accomplished ending it."

I know, I'm not supposed to be listening to him......

Ok, so he just sent me this email:

"Yesterday was really nice... Was it miserable for you? I know it probably was, but it was nice and I'm glad the three of us went. I kept feeling the urge to grab your hand and stuff and laugh and be playful... I don't know... Just what's on my mind... I like days like yesterday when you make fun memories... I don't know how you could ever forgive me for going as far off the rails as I have. I don't know how it would ever be possible for you to really have a close loving relationship with me again after all the pain I have caused... Days like yesterday to me are a way to heal. Ok, I'm probly making no sense... Just know that I am getting past my anger for the call-around... And I am glad we spent time together yesterday and I hope you enjoyed it too, even if just a little bit."

I can't really see to type as my eyes are flooded....

Ok so I just went back and read posts since the blow up on Fri and wrote down everyone who came to my aid: PleaseHelp, Stillstanding2, Turtlehead, Mel, MF, Pepper, Not2Fun, tst, Lexxy, SMB, AM, and lil. Wow, what a blessing to have this much support! Thanks to all of you!

I did come home last night feeling very dejected and I expressed my feelings at that time. But I went back and reread all your advice and I feel strong again!

You guys are great and I mean really GREAT!

and you're right this a rollecoaster ride, but not near as fun as the four I rode yesterday!

VERY short T/J

Hello Please Help,

You have some good points in your posts HOWEVER there is ONE point I must take exception to...

The Bible reminds us that there is only ONE sin that is so destructive to a marriage as to being grounds for divorce.

Adultery - Not forsaking all others.

We are not permitted to divorce because our spouse does not love, honor or cherish us.

ONLY for the cause of adultery.

The vows are not all the same to God...

God bless.

Jim

End of T/J