This is a good place to draw a boundary IMO. Can you state that you're willing to help him recognize that there might be physiological problem - not just a mental one related to FOO. But he needs to make an active and documented effort to address it. If he won't do that, can you ski-daddle with a clear conscience? I think I could.

I'm going to do some more research before I 'go there', make sure I really know what I'm talking about.

Yep. Diagnosing your H from a random link posted my some anonymous guy on the internet, and then using that to determine the future of your marriage is probably not a great idea.

Gee...really?

Why the snark, OH?

I'm sorry---sometimes humor--especially my brand--doesn't translate well to a computer screen. I was chuckling over your sentence cautioning Cat not to jump to conclusions based on a link from some anonymous guy over the internet. Like...obvious...DUH! And I know you know and Cat knows this. If we were sitting around a table and you'd said that, I would have made some sort of weird face and said..

Gee...ya think?????

But it would have been a joke.

ETA: All I can say in my defense is that I took that stupid FB quiz on "How sarcastic are you?" (my sister made me do it!) and I was off the charts.

Okay, gotcha... No harm.

So I'm home, working on my side job (editing documents) and didn't get around to dinner. H comes home and not only makes dinner, he does the dishes, and wipes all the counters down!

I'm feeling good, but then I remember that he's been trying to fenagle SF for the last 3 days. So, modus operandi...But that's ok. He made dinner and even cleaned.

Plus, D18 got her acceptance letter in the mail to the college she wanted.

And, just like I predicted, a bunch of the kids backed out on the limo deal when it came time to paying for it, so there are only 10 kids going now, so all the issue is gone.

Oh, and I did as suggested. Today, MrCat was calling and complaining about all the Mexicans trying to run him off the road, trying to 'kill' him, and instead of just accepting it, I called him out on it. Questioned whether anyone 'really' had in their minds to try to kill them. He dropped the subject.

Well, I tried to do the confront aspect again. So far, so good.

D18 couldn't find her car keys yesterday morning, so I told her where the spares were. She used them.

This morning, H was looking for her keys, to move her car. He got mad that she had not found her keys (she went straight from school to work to bed). He took the keychain and removed the factory tag with the info on it so that 'when she loses THIS set...'

I interrupted him and just said 'IF she loses this set...'

He came back with 'IF she loses this set...'

I feel so sad for her that her own dad always expects her to fail. And she knows it. He has no trouble telling her. I've tried really hard to make up for it so she'll turn out positive. But she still does a lot of the same things as him.

I also feel so sad for T2L. I kept my word and stayed away, but man, I see a trainwreck coming.

Cat, hon, I know it's hard. But she's 18, and you've done an awesome job. Like it says in that "Healing the Shame That Bonds You," you've got to accept your limits as a human. You've done what you could. She's going to be okay. Did she get some strategies for this in IC? Have you shared with her that visual of a hopper on her head? Maybe this is a growth experience for her, to share her O&H?

cat, this made me think of something else about the schizophrenia thing... If it -is- hereditary, getting out in front of it for the sake of your kids could be important.

If your H resists getting screened because of a personal fear or prejudice, maybe he'd consider differently knowing that it's not just him at risk.

The fact that his mom has already been diagnosed and that it might be passed down should be enough to warrant some tests IMO.

thanks, ears. I'm not too worried about her. I guess the one thing that scares me is that she does this same thing he does - he grades his day. I guess cos it allows him to gripe.

She too grades her day. If it started out promising, but A, B, and C went downhill, at the end of the day she's miserable. 'If only...' - stuff like that.

Last week she had a test the next day and we had the limo issue, and the argument about her not helping wash her own car, and she just breaks down into tears and gives up!

'I can't study, I'm too upset, I'll just fail the test tomorrow, I don't care, today has just been too hard...'...on and on.

I finally got upset with her and 'blew up' (my version) at her. I went over to her and said 'I feel sorry for you next year. If you cave under pressure like this I don't see how you're going to survive in college' and walked away. I couldn't deal with the negativity. I want her to be stubborn like me, to never give up, but she's not. I have to accept it. And let her figure her own way.

*sigh*

Ooh, seabird, that is a great idea! He'll do just about anything for D18.

My whole f&cking post about why my 29th anniversary was ignored this weekend, is now gone. Suffice it to say I would just rather die and not wake up, as I listen to H snoring beside me.

Was there ever anyone in my life whose purpose in life wasn't to please themself and expect me to please THEM, but to maybe care about making ME happy?

Obviously not.

Why do men expect to get what they want simply by being more forceful?

I just want to disappear, no matter how that happens.

I just want to die.

Cat, whatever happened you need a two day vacation away from him NOW. You need to get away to a beautiful place where you can relax, eat good foods, get pampered and have quiet time to think. I need this too. Want to meet somewhere nice like a resort?

Plowing thru your negative, draining, irritating marriage day in day out is like you walking thru heavy mud. It gets tiring.

Please consider a nice break from him. You will learn to value yourself and care for YOU. You have a lot to offer the human race and most of that would be apart from him, your "millstone for life".

Please take a few days away! Where is a nice place you have always wanted to travel to? Or a place that is even close to where you live now! A beautiful quiet tranquil place, and do not say your own bathtub filled with bubbles! You need to get out of that house.

bubbles, thank you. I know you're right. And I could give you a ton of reasons why I can't; but they would all be reasons, excuses. I know you're right.

I was just thinking today what I would be doing if I wasn't having to please everyone else. The food I would eat. The shows I would watch. The time I would spend.

I just don't know if I can survive long enough to get to that point.

I sold D18's drum set this weekend. Put it in our local website for $150, including sticks and stool and new cymbal. Of course, once someone is interested, H says I can't include cymbal as it cost 300 itself. So the lady comes by and buys it for $125 without the cymbal. She deals with H. She calls back and says she forgot the stool; he tells me he never wanted to sell the stool, if I want to just GIVE away the stool like that, fine, he'll just sell the whole freakin' house for $50. That's how our whole weekend has been.

And now he's sleeping. No card. No present. No 'happy anniversary'; just a half-hearted attempt like every year, where he 'explains' why he couldn't meet the needs. I want to go pick up the present I bought him and throw it all away but I gave it to him. So I feel guilty doing that. Which is right?

Please don't tell me to 'just talk to him'. It doesn't work with us.

btw, bubbles, I changed jobs 3 years ago. I took a week off and scored a few days at our time share in Galveston, by myself, for the 3 days before I started my new job. I left.

H and D18 showed up at the time share. He said they figured I needed the company.

So I spent the first night on my own, the next night with the family, on my supposed weekend away.

ETA: Well, THAT was mature! I opened up all the candy packages I had given H, and literally threw the candy into the kitchen cabinet I had 'donated' to him - since he wouldn't stop stuffing the cabinets full of his paperwork.

Anyway, all his candy is now in the cabinet. He'll find it eventually. The card I bought him is still on the floor in the living room; I want to throw it away, since he never opened it anyway.

D18's Easter candy is on the steps to her room. And the cats won't leave me alone, wanting to be petted.

I'm contemplating sleeping on the couch, as no one is awake, anyway. At least I don't have to deal with deciding to give myself up to please them.

Catperson, I think what people are saying is that you need to show consideration for yourself, and take some time away. Be ruthless if you need to. Kind of like the thing they say on the airline talk, put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Maybe you need to go to an unexplained location, so you get some alone time. Perhaps there is a conference that you could attend. Be vague on the details. Time alone is a good way to get your thoughts together.

((((Cat)))) They say it hurts worst when you're getting ready for the next growth spurt.

Your H didn't betray you as badly as you have yourself. You can afford gifts for your H, but not yourself? When you are done reading Healing the Shame that Binds, how about Love Without Hurt, by Steven Stosny? It talks about rebuilding your Core Value when it takes a hit. Improve, Connect, Appreciate, Protect. It looks like you're doing that, cooming here to Connect with others. I hope you feel better soon.