Ready to begin the long haul of starting COMPLETELY over w/ fWxW. I know I need to work on myself for a while, but I'm real excited about possibly having my family back. What a twisted path I took? I still think going through w/ the Plan D was the right choice even though I love my fWxW. I think letting WS see what they risked first hand, helped me get over it immensely. A NEW DAY IS DAWNED!!

DUDE

How open are you to constructive criticism?

I'm not sure how defensive you are. How defensive ARE you?

I could spend time discussing your ideas and being severely critical of (some of) your ideas - making you defend your position from an intellectual and logical perspective. Could you do that without feeling personally attacked?

The reason I ask is this:

You are beginning an attempt at recovery starting with an incorrect premise.

It will not serve you well in the future. Are you willing to consider a discussion that your current premise is not the first step toward a healthy relationship with your XW?

If you really want a new day to dawn - your incorrect premise must be changed.

I'm not defensive, go for it!

WATCH OUT DUDE! PEP IS VERY HEARTLESS!!

I got popcorn. Pull up a chair, everyone. Pep's about to attack the snot out of Dude.


Erm, I mean, she's about to offer constructive criticism.


All joking aside, I'm very interested to see where Pep is going with this. She's very level headed and often sees things I do not, or from a better perspective.

I am interested too. Pepperband has led me all over the place thinking about things I never would have even touched on and led me to places I did not want to visit. Whatever she tells you it will eventually be a learning experience and that is always good. I doubt I could have kept my sanity this long without her.

OK - I'll give it a shot if you're willing.

You said:

.... which is the only reason I decided to post to you. I see this comment as a beacon of hope

and this ....

.... makes me

So I want you to understand, I am 100% supportive of your stated goal.

So, we begin....


A dark path. An ignoble path. A self destructive path.



Once you make this choice and follow through with it you make it an "OK" option for next time there is a serious bump in the relationship. You have established that you are more willing to take the twisted path than to devote your efforts to a more constructive and less destructive way of getting your message across.

This is an area where you should consider making personal changes. I think you are perfectly capable of NOT choosing the dark and twisted path you took.



The line you have crossed here is this:

You are currently expressing a ~~~> "The end justifies the means" philosophical point of view.

This philosophy comes from a consequentialist standpoint. If this is one of your basic truths, a morally right action is one that produces a good outcome, or consequence. You can have a revenge adultery and divorce your wife, but neither of those choices were wrong if the outcome is what you want it to be.

The problem with this as a guide to future life choices is that it makes YOU a high risk spouse for your Xwife.

Taking the position that BAD BEHAVIOR is not bad if it produces a good outcome gives you permission to behave badly in the future.

This makes you a high risk spouse. It means NO BEHAVIOR is off limits for you if you think you can achieve a good outcome.

Are you with me so far?

Posted by Dude on another thread today...


Lots of faulty thinking in there, imo...I too am rooting for your family Dude, and I hope you will listen carefully to what Pep is telling you...

Mrs. W

Me too. It almost sounds at points that you're bragging about the RA. It's troublesome to me that you think this course of action is the only way you could recover a relationship with XFWW. That's simply not true. One thing that I see in your way- as I do in almost every one of your posts is EGO. Plain and simple.

JMO.

I prefer to discuss the underlying ideas and concepts that will not lend themselves to a fruitful attempt at reconciliation with the XW. I promise, Dude, I will not call you names. I will however, press HARD in areas where I observe you are shooting yourself in the foot as far as your future relationship goes.

What bothers me is your cavalier attitude. You discard this girlfriend like she is a non-feeling item you can just throw away now that you are done with her? You had a RA and divorced your wife so she could feel the pain you did. That doesn't seem to be a healthy path to take.

I really hope things work out for the best. Good luck to you.

This will sound weird, but I was going to talk to her about breaking it off, and she came to me???! So, I just went w/ it. It was a crazy coincidence. Regardless, yes, I was WACKED OUT and did the RA for revenge and to see what all the whoopla was about? Why would people throw away everything for a fling. I can tell ya first hand. It meant nothing and did nothing for me. No ego boost or anything???! I don't recommend it at all.

DUDE

It wasn't a coincidence. It was a sign.

Charlotte

I think she probably knew what was going on with Dude and his ex-wife and she had enough respect for herself to recognize that her relationship with him was DOA.

Well, with all that has been said and done, can you, Dude, realize that just maybe you contributed to the circumstances that led to your XW's A? I mean being married to someone with an attitude and set of values like yours would be tough! People aren't just to use or teach lessons to, they have feelings and worth! I'm thinking your XW would be better off running!

Attitude, I'm working on. The screw ups were because I was screwed up. I realize now they were a big mistake. I don't want to be mean or get back at anyone. I just want to go home and be the good H I once was before the crisis. Yes, I had issues in the M, who doesn't. I have worked on them diligently.

Dude,

I think you said you've been through 20 women since you left your wife, get yourself VD checked if you intend to get with your ex-wife.

Are you going to be honest with her about the 20 women btw? She might be grossed out. You're now ahead by 19 people in the strange stuff category and that might be how she takes it.

NJ

You didn't get rid of her....SHE got rid of YOU.

committed