Rin,

I'm sure I could find you some 'connections' down your way!

You know, you can ask me any old thing you like. I might choose not to answer, but you can always ASK! ha!

Seriously, we do talk everyday,,,,but not 'all day'. He always sends me a text message to say Good Morning. Normally, one or the other of us 'might' send a text or 2 during the day. We usually don't talk on the phone during work hours. We are both pretty dedicated to our jobs (can't you tell since I'm posting during work! LOL!). Seriously, I think it's just that we respect each other's work ethic & try to keep personal stuff for personal time as much as possible.

During the evening we'll talk on the phone. It isn't always a long talk & a lot depends on what each of us have going on at the time.

I always get a text saying "good night".

I think there is no right or wrong when it comes to communication and what 'taking it slow' means. It's different for everyone. It's about what you are comfortable with, what works for you, and what keeps your boundaries where they need to be at any given point. This is in constant flux as the relationship develops, don't ya think?

Speaking of taking it slow,,, he just asked me to come spend Easter Break with him, as Ladybug will be with her Dad for the week. I'm 'thinking' about it.

Congratulations, Bugsy! I think it's a good time for a new challenge. The rut sounds very familiar and why I'm not that bummed about being laid off.

My guess is that the contact with Drac is draining you. Wayward spouses (or WXS's) are disgusting, hurtful creatures to be avoided wherever possible. It's just their nature, and Drac is still as wayward-thinking as ever.

I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. I'll dig out my thread and post an update when I get around to it.

Hi Bugs,

A drive-by to say hi. Enjoy your updates. I think you are doing just great.


I am a little late on this...but yes, as Queenie suggests, I would work with DSS on help him learn how to express and communicate his needs to his Dad, and it will help him in general to learn on how to have 'difficult conversations' :RollieEyes:... maybe help in 'coaching' him on how he could do it?

..and because I think SD is right. It's better for you to minimize contact with Drac... wayward thinking in general is very draining.

Lots of things happening in your life. Congratulations on your new position...and it seems that things are moving along with R.

Thank you for answering! LOL...I do appreciate that...just that part of me trying to figure out what's the "norm" and part of a healthy R...

I know that rushing things will get you nowhere except heartache and in alot of trouble! I'm working so hard on doing something different than I have been taught in life.

At the beginning of college, I jumped into my first long term R, which ended in him going back to his old GF. Well, I know POWS that entire year, when I came back from the summer, I started seeing him and moved in a month after we were dating. Here we are 16 years later and I have learned so much! Changed so much but we were by each others side from that day forward.

Hindsight tells me that had I done things different and not jumped so fast I may have been able to clearly see somethings in a different light. Now, I'm not going to waste my time regretting what I did do, but only use it to my advantage to do things different.

This guy that I like I don't talk to everyday and it's very different than what I think was the norm...you know given that the WS and OP talked so much during the A. I remember the cell phones records being littered with calls and Txts.

So it seems to me that what I am experiencing right now, is normal for a healthy R...it was actually frustrating to me last week and I was at the point of giving up when he contacts me and invited me to dinner...

I really don't have alot of experience to refer back too.

Hey all!

I did decide to just continue to work directly with DSS, continue to encourage him to talk to Drac, etc. Part of this was because I have such small expectations of getting any positive reaction or action out of Drac by sharing,,,,,,,,,,,,and the fact that I haven't discussed talking to Drac with DSS. He & I would need to discuss first before I'd go to Drac. Still no details from Drac about DSS's counseling. Last thing he said was that he'd called them 4 times. WHATEVER.

Frankly, he's pretty useless in the 'dad' department as far as I am concerned. Ladybugs ended up sick all last weekend - Monday Dr visit confirmed strep throat. I know that of the 2 nights she had with Drac this week, she missed atleast 2 doses of meds. She goes to bed 30 minutes too late, and this morning she didn't get any breakfast.

Oh, let's not forget that he was too busy to accept her phone call tonight,,,,,,,,,and never bothered to call her back.

Yet,,,,,,,,,,heaven forbid the kids not call HIM - - that results in immediate nasty emails and/or voice mails to me accusing me of somehow 'keeping' the kids from calling him,,,or even calling ALL his numbers. PUH-LEASE!

So, we just go about our merry way over at Bugs House. And the kids are better for every moment they have here. Unlike the Drac house weekends,,,,where yet AGAIN they are being shipped off for atleast 1 of the 2 nights that he is supposed to be with them.

Since the day he left, ONE time I have left them with a sitter for a few hours,,,,, and never for a full overnight. Interesting that *I* can manage my personal life around putting the kids FIRST.

Ok,,,Rant Over for Now.

On a more positive note, I have a HUGE deal pending at work. Lots of excitement and work to be done, but if successful, I will exceed my new growth budget by a very large amount!! Keeping my fingers crossed on that one!

On a better note, I am going to see R for the weekend. It's been almost 3 weeks since we've seen each other. I can't wait!

Gotta go pack.

Have a great weekend Amigos!

Hey Bugs,

You sound so strong. I'm so glad R is off on the horizon to see. Have a wonderful time.

Waywards, they are just simply stoopid, selfish and dumb.

How's ladybugs doing?

In Judaism, we don't cross our fingers, we pray from my mouth to G-ds ears.. May your job bring you success. When will you know?

What the plans for the weekend with R?

Hi Bugs,

I think you are doing great in 'diffusing' issues with Drac...HERE...as us amigos know EXACTLY what you are talking about! ...and can...relate! Keep up the good work.

...and I am glad you are getting a chance to see R, and hope you have a great time.

Bugs:

Good luck with the contract, and the weekend with R.

Do whats RIGHT for DSS. Sometimes, kids can be a "little" messed up, and then they mature and things work out, and life goes on.

Sometimes, they are in a little bit more difficult position.

DSS is. You have opened a lifeline for him. He has to be "tough" with guys and Dad. He can be gentle with you. That's important.

So do whats RIGHT for DSS. Drac may or may not notice. May actually interfere, because in makes him look bad. Whatever. The fight is worth fighting, and in many cases, all that is really required in that your paying attention to DSS.

Will it take Drac off the "hook" for his responsibilities? Certainly. But DSS needs your help MORE than you proving that yes, ONCE again, DSS is being poorly served by Drac.

Have fun this weekend!

LG

Hey, LG.

I'm right there with you on the fact that I am going to do what I believe to be right for DSS. Nothing less. Drac will do (or not do) whatever,,,,,,,,,,and we can all guess which that will be.

Another Drac weekend during which he dumped the kids off for an overnight so he could run with Ho2. He took Ho2 with him to his mommy's to pick them up,,,,,,,,,,,but dumped her off before going to see his Aunt. Ladybug said that was because "Aunt B doesn't like her or Ho1. She love you Mommy". It's so strange the lengths he goes to in order to keep up his 'image' of the great father.

Ladybug started in with me again last night about us getting back together. Early in the evening after she got home, she asked a question about if I missed 'the old days'. Then, after her shower she said that there was something she wanted to talk to me about,,,downstairs. So, we went downstairs. She instructed me to sit by her on the couch. I knew it was 'serious',,,,because she was acting just like ME when I want to have a 'talk' with HER!

She again commented on how Drac asks her how I am doing,,,,and that she thinks he still loves me. We again talked about how it is merely Drac being polite for her sake. We talked about how things are different now and won't ever be the same,,and that it's ok even if it's not the way she'd like it to be. She understands that Daddy is seeing Ho2 now. She told me she is 'mad at him'.

Seems he told her sometime recently that she wouldn't be seeing Ho2 around much,,,,,,,,,but with what happened this weekend, she knows that "He LIED. He lies to me a LOT."

:twobyfour:

Pretty sad when your lies are obvious to even an 8 year old, but yet you persist in trying to make everyone believe the lies!

I try very hard not to comment about the 'lies'. I won't try to cover up or smooth those things out for him. That's his to handle,,,although she'll never tell him that she's figured him out. Yet, neither do I 'agree' or comment in any way to confirm that he IS a liar. Again, that is not my place.

Enough Drac talk.

I had a great weekend, although too short as always. I met some funny folks on the plane,,,,,a bunch of guys were going to see the "Ultimate Cage Fights". I talked to several of them & a couple of them were potential business contacts with whom I traded business cards. That's not unusual for me,,,as you never know when your next potential sales contact will come from.

Turns out, one of them was a 'mistake'. I got an email from him when we landed & it was a bit 'creeepy/stalker like'. I high tailed it off the plane & ducked into the ladies room to avoid seeing him. R was to be picking me up so I sent him a text asking how soon he could 'rescue me from the cage fighters"

I also forwarded him the creepy email. He was NOT happy. We had to have a minor 'talk' about how it's normal for me to trade business cards when I travel,,,,,that it's about making contacts when you are in sales. He didn't go overboard, but it was apparent that he was feeling rather protective.

Things are progressing well with us. He commented about how it seems like we've 'been together' a long time - - when we were grocery shopping on Saturday. He meant that it is very comfortable doing 'normal' stuff. We went to his house & cooked. For me,,,being comfortable in the kitchen together is important. It was really fun. He's a good cook.

He has invited me & the kids to join him & his son in Florida this July. He has a week booked at a 5 bedroom house (free perk thru his work). So, we talked a bit about when/where/how to progress to his meeting the kids FIRST. Nothing is set yet,,,,,,,,,still have things to consider & talk about. But we are talking about it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I have a few butterflies just writing about it. I have all of the concerns that you all can well imagine in that regard. Don't yet know how to describe it or what I'm going to do.

For now, I need to get showered for work.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

That's so cute, Bugs. I can totally picture it.

I don't think the kids will ever stop wanting their parents to be together. At least on some level. I don't know what the best way to talk with them about it is, but I'm confident you'll do the right thing when called upon.

Have a great week.

I can picture that too! Too cute!

Sounds like Ladybug is a bit of a romantic and I agree with SD...I think that they will always want that on some level...I can remember wanting the same of my parents and I was 3 when they D, but I outgrew that...

I think with the boys that YS wants the same, but OS doesn't...OS has seen to much...and has even admitted that he DOES NOT want us back together...stating his reasons being that he likes going different places every weekend...

I think that girls are brought up with fairy tales stories and we want what we read about...everything has a happy ending...it's hard to deal with somethings don't...becasue that's what we are taught!

When POWS and I got together, I remember thinking that he was my KNight and Shining Armor...that in itself should ahve been my red flag! LOL

Didn't stop me from wanting what I wanted...which wasn't a D...figured if my mom could survive everything that she had in her M, then I could too...fairy tales!

Oh, WOW, you went grocery shopping too this weekend...I DID too with "JA"...and had a dinner date with "JC"...I liked the shopping and gym better than the dinner and a movie!


Sweet, I have to run, have a students in my office and can't complete my thoughts!

Just curious Bugs -- but don't you have first right of refusal in your custody stuff?
Meaning that if you are going to be absent for longer than X (mine says 3 hours) that the other PARENT must be the first one asked to care for the kiddos?
I think it would be pretty funny if Drac had to ASK you everytime he wanted to play shack-up on the weekends...

Bugsy, are you out there?

So Bugs, It's almost been a month without you. Where are you? How are you?

I miss you Pres!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello all!!

I didn't realize it's been so long since I last posted. I come by from time to time to read up on everyone's threads, but haven't really had the time or inclination to post.

I'm doing well. Work is very busy and my travel schedule has continued to ramp up a lot,,,,with no end in sight for a couple of months. That's both good & bad, I suppose. Good to have the work, bad to be away from home, struggle with Ladybug's schedule, etc.

Am continuing to see R. We are well enough into the relationship where we are now figuring out what I consider 'real life' stuff. A couple of weeks ago we had our first question about 'Do we want to keep this going?'.

It was interesting - - finding more out about how each of us communicates (or doesn't communicate) on certain subjects or feelings. I think we are coming into an important phase of our relationship. Because of what I've learned thru my divorce and from being here, I realize that how we handle these situations now is an indication of how it will be in the future. That is not something I gave any specific thought to previously. Now, it's very important to me.

It's funny how I view myself and this relationship differently than any I've had before. I now am much much more vocal about what I think and how I feel. If R does something that I don't like or I'm not 100% enthusiastic about, I let him know right then and there. The old Bugs would have said nothing. I would have written it off as not too important or I would have just put it aside in the 'hope' that the 'right' opportunity would come up to talk about it (which it never did because I never made it come up).

I've always allowed myself to be viewed as the 'strong/independent' woman. And I AM a strong and independent woman. I am ALSO sensitive and vunerable. Those are NOT things that I have done well sharing and exposing in my past relationships. I'm no longer afraid to do that. I no longer hold back in telling R when he has done something that hurts my feelings. I no longer hold back when I feel like he turns conversations around to being about him when I am in the middle of trying to share something important. I realize he does that without realizing it, but unlike the past, I now speak up and point out that I need some 'it's all about Bugs time', too!

It's not as if there are HUGE issues. It's just that I now recognize the small things and how they can become HUGE things if I am not Open and Honest about each and every one.

Well now that that bit of relationship analysis is finished,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'll just add a quick note that Ladybugs & DSS are doing well. Drac has yet to confirm making any kind of counseling appointment for DSS. It took him over a month to send me a list of the counselors in our area, so I'm not holding my breath waiting for the appt to be made!

I will give him credit for taking a week of vacation while he has both of the kids for their spring break. How much time he spends with them doing what they want to do remains to be seen. So far it's been a mix. One movie 'for the kids'. One movie for 'dad'. One visit to family for Ladybugs,, one visit to a friend for dad, and several trips with/to Ho2's house for dad. One friend spent the night for Ladybug. Probably a few overnights by Ho2 for Dad (but I don't ask or want to know about those).

Lexxy, we do not have right of first refusal in our final papers. It was in the 'draft' but never made it in the final version. It's funny, though, that Drac has tried numerous times to use it,,,,,,,and he's taken a different side of it depending on what he was trying to accomplish. It was almost as funny as your suggestion that he have to contact me for permission every time he was wanting a shack up weekend!

I just know I can't wait for the weekend. Easter is one of our favorite holidays with a BIG family Easter egg hunt (adults and kids!). We have a great time. I miss my kids a lot this week!!

Hoping all is well with everyone! Drop by with an update here or on your threads,,,,I promise to try to keep up better!

Yup, sounds like everything's under control here. Just don't eat to many of those eggs before you see R again

carry on

Hey, Bugsy! Thanks for for finding my windshield again... it's always good to hear your updates.

What an incredibly long way we have come (some of you further than others of us.)


I've had these thoughts recently. I struggle with it because I don't necessarily want more RIGHT NOW, but I'd like to know if the possiblity of more is out there or if we will forever be "day by day."

I'm a bit concerned that if I bring it up, he's either going to think I want to get married or that I want out. Neither one is my immediate goal - but if it isn't ever going to go somewhere.......


I can relate to this. This is tough because HRG and I haven't really defined our relationship - so I don't feel I have the "right" to question anything he does or doesn't do.



Guilty here.

I'm so impressed with how you are dealing with these things. I know how hard it can be, I'm still unable to find my voice in a way I feel is appropriate - so I say nothing.


Hey - are you my twin?


Oh, nope - not my twin.





Hope you had a FANTASTIC weekend!

Great to read your update Bugsy.. looks like you and R seem to be doing well, and I love the approach you are taking. Sharing even the uncomfortable stuff seems to make it a lot less uncomfortable doesn't it?

Oh.. Memorial Day weekend plans ended up getting changed. Turns out DD, DS, and I will be in the 'lou the entire first week of June instead!

Any ideas of places to hit up along the way would be appreciated. I think we're probably going to do the arch, the zoo, and take in a Cards vs Reds game.. other than that we're wingin it. Would love to catch up with you while we're in town if you're available.

I think you've got my email addy, if not just hit me up and I'll get it to you.

Hey everyone!

No worries, BC, on the 'egg' issue! Won't be seeing R for another 9 days!

Foxxy, you really aren't too far off from being my 'twin'! Honestly, I'm not as 'far along' as it might sound. I'm merely dipping my toes into being able to handle the relationship with R the way I want/need to!

It's a moment by moment, day by day situation. Some moments I do better than others. I'm just happy with being AWARE of so much more than I ever was before.

I have had to face some of it a bit sooner than perhaps I had expected, as R has already said the "L" word. That threw me for a loop and had me hiding my head in the sand at first.

Obviously, the head in the sand technique does NOT work, and it was something we had to discuss. Which we did,,,, a little. There is more that we need to talk about. The important thing is that I was able to express my hesitantcy with going there,,,,,especially so early in our relationship. It also gave me the opportunity (which I took) to outline some guidelines/perameterrs I have for our relationship.

I don't have a lot of time today, but there's more to say on that topic. For now, though, we're at an ok place with the opportunity to work on things as we travel down the road. We've not set a destination yet and I'm good with that for now.

James! Great to read your update & I took a look at you on youtube. Love your facial expressions!

Real quick, I definately recommend the City Museum. My kids LOVE that place! We can chat more about options. Drop me a line bugsmom1115@gmail.com.

Love ya guys!!

Uh yeah.. the Bassface is a chronic problem. I'm seeking treatment.

You'll have mail soon.