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Herb,
Please remember that Plan A is not implemented to get your wife to return to you in quick time. Plan A is a way for you to become the best person that you can be. Just like dieting, you don't always get immediate results, but it is a lifestyle change and over time, there are results--an improved Herb.
You are doing Plan A for you. When you feel you have little love in reserve for her and you can no longer implement Plan A, you go to Plan B. You have figured out a lot about your marriage in very short time. But it takes time to make changes and get results. Hang in there Herb.
Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977
N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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Herb, do what is best for you in the long run. Give yourself some time to think about in the future. Talk to her about what she wants for the future. Make some goals for yourself, ant tell her to do the same, then make a list together for your marriage. You must believe in yourself and prove to yourself and to her that you are strong enough to handle anything. Be true to yourself and you can handle this. You have the strength in you, no matter how deep you have to dig.
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I feel I am emotionally and spiritually strong enough now to try, but continually hearing from her that the ship sailed long ago always knocks me down a peg. Dr. Harley in the article said it could take 6 months to 2 years, at times that seems optimistic. This is from your very first post, 6 wks and one day ago. I've read bits and pieces, here and there of your thread, and you have made progress to where you are now. It does take... time. Focus on not taking what your wife says, to heart, the negatives anyway. I know this is hard, but it can bring you down and crush your spirit. It is possible for her to fall in love with you again, it really is. And ... look at yourself, the better you, in just 6 weeks! Anyway, I just stopped by to take a look at how your night went. There are so many more ahead of you if last night didn't work out like you had hoped. If Mel isn't around right now, the rest of us will have to keep an eye on you.  You do seem like a sweetheart of a guy. I'm sure Mel has just lost her computer remote! PS hope your recovery goes well ML.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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How are you, Herb? If it didn't happen last night, there are other nights, friend. Just hang in there and keep up your resolve. Rome was not built in a day. I don't know how much I have left in me. Herb, don't let it get you down, please. This is not going to be easy. Just stand your ground and don't allow yourself to despair. Remember the guy in Fireproof? He got so discouraged, but things eventually turned around. You have already won this battle, Herb, so don't give up now!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You guys are about the only friends I have right now.
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Just popping in to let anyone that cares know I am still alive.
Been a pretty crappy weekend.
It seems she sees two futures: a good divorce or a bad divorce.
I hope things hold on long enough for her viewpoint to change.
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It seems she sees two futures: a good divorce or a bad divorce.
I hope things hold on long enough for her viewpoint to change. Was this said as a threat to keep you out of your bedroom? A WS will be very manipulative and play the D card when she is not allowed to bully you. Even so, her vision of the future is not one you want to pay attention to. Her vision does not count because it is coming from a falling down drunk and will change from day to day as her moods ebb and flow. Just tell her that you are sure sorry she wants a divorce, but that future does not interest you. You won't be cooperating in any divorce schemes. Let her know if she files for divorce, she will be up for the fight of her life that will include calling in the pastor to testify under oath about his adultery. Don't let her fogbabble get you down. Remember, you are the leader here, not here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I wrote the following on MB a *long time ago*.
YOU are IN PLAN A ---- BE PROUD of all your efforts - no matter HOW unappreciated those efforts may be.
You are proving to yourself FIRST that YOU are a man - a husband - worthy of respect and admiration.
You are the "Welcome Home" sign if your wife has the ability to change herself. You are NOT a door mat for her to wipe her feet upon.
If your wife fails to see how wonderful you are - it is her malfunction, not yours.
Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" .... although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site. Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage " until years into recovery.
Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation. Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity. Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.
I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".
Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."
Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart! The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....
WHO THE HECK AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?
And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.
Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.
Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices. I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.
I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.
That is a powerful message to myself. The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity . Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .
I think I get it now.
Best to all of you travelers on this journey!
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I like it. :)Good post Pepper,
mmmherb,
I always think this to myself - if my M came to D at least I know I had done everything in my power to make the M work. I would be a peace walking away from my M because I would have earned that right. Whatever the outcome for you - you can be proud that you are putting in your best efforts and have the guidance of some good people(friends) to get you through.
GG
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Was this said as a threat to keep you out of your bedroom? A WS will be very manipulative and play the D card when she is not allowed to bully you. No, not really. Just her vision of the future. Thanks for all the encouragement. Thanks for taking the time to share all you experiences Pepperband. This has changed me, I can see now what I can be. But, to be honest, life outside this relationship saddens me so that becoming a better me seems like a consolation prize. I am really tired of playing the bedroom game. Told her today it was not some kind of power play, I just wanted so much to be in there.
Last edited by mmmherb; 04/19/09 03:51 PM. Reason: Addition
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"I am really tired of playing the bedroom game. Told her today it was not some kind of power play, I just wanted so much to be in there."
Then stop playing around with the bed room game. Stop talking about it. Do it.
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"I am really tired of playing the bedroom game. Told her today it was not some kind of power play, I just wanted so much to be in there."
Then stop playing around with the bed room game. Stop talking about it. Do it. I don't want to get into this type of childishness. Lock the door Take the locks off Barricade the door Knock the door down Call the cops Just stupid.
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"I am really tired of playing the bedroom game. Told her today it was not some kind of power play, I just wanted so much to be in there."
Then stop playing around with the bed room game. Stop talking about it. Do it.
Also stop listening to her propaganda. It is only spouted to control you.
Why are you afraid of WW?
What is WW going to do to you that she has not done yet?
WW is going to divorce as things stand.
WW is banging the OM.
Your ship is taking on water and you let your WW stop you from saving the ship.
Why?
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Barricade the door
Knock the door down Hmm... I'd just take the door off of its hinges
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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"I am really tired of playing the bedroom game. Told her today it was not some kind of power play, I just wanted so much to be in there."
Then stop playing around with the bed room game. Stop talking about it. Do it. I don't want to get into this type of childishness. Lock the door Take the locks off Barricade the door Knock the door down Call the cops Just stupid. You don't have to turn into The Hulk and knock the door down. I like MiM's idea to take the door off the hinges. You have every reason to want to be back in your own bed. If she doesn't want you in there with her, she can get the couch or the guest room.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Herb - Knock it off!
Her perspective NOW is totally different to her perspective in 3 months time. I promise you this is the case.
As long as she is not in contact with OM your situation will improve.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Bad for marriage? Although many couples say separate rooms have been a blessing (Barr says her friends are jealous of her sleeping arrangement), Minnesota clinical psychologist and marriage counselor William F. Harley Jr. warns sleeping separately could spell trouble. "Whenever I see a couple wanting private time -- they want to be alone, they want their own friends, they don't want to feel like they're joined at the hip -- my immediate question is, 'What is it about being together that bothers you?'" says Harley, author of "Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love." "My feeling is that sleeping together is a very, very important part of being integrated with each other." Jason Holloway, 29, an estimator from Greenwood, Indiana, who slept on the couch for about six months while his wife, Rebecca, was pregnant, agrees that separate beds have a downside. "I had the TV, I had the dogs with me," he says. "But I didn't feel 100 percent like I was part of the loop. I felt removed from the whole situation." Dr. Harley quoted on CNN
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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mmmherb,
****edit**** it's your bed as much as hers. I like the remove the hinges idea!!
GG
Last edited by Dufresne; 04/19/09 08:40 PM. Reason: Profanity
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Watch the movie that "The quiet man" with John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. He knew how to deal with a locked bedroom door.
Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/19/09 08:50 PM.
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I love that movie and that scene is a classic - it's one of my favorite.
GG
Edited? - Didn't know that word was considered profanity!
Last edited by gg615; 04/19/09 08:57 PM.
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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