*Unique Breakfast*

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.

today'sFUNNY===========================

One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

today'sTHOT============================

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

=======================================

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand??

*Laws of Parenthood*

There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

True Story:

My daughter decided it was potty training time about Christmas time right after she turned 2. One day, I had on a Christmas CD and had been listening to 'The Hallelujah Chorus'. We were coming out of the bathroom when, in her precious 2-year-old voices, she said (clearly and appropriately), "Hallelujah, big shooies!"

A couple of days later, we got to church and sat down beside a woman we did not know. As soon as my daughter sat down, she said clearly, "Halleluhah, big shooies!"

An oil-rich Arab sheikh needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. The gentleman’s rare blood type
couldn't be found locally, so the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally, they located a Jew who had the same blood type who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery the sheikh sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood, along with an expensive diamond ring and a new Rolls Royce as a token of his appreciation. Needless to say, the Jew was happy.
Unfortunately, the sheikh had a relapse and had to go through corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of dates.
The Jew was disappointed that the Arab hadn’t acknowledged the kind gesture in the same way as he had done before, so he phoned the Arab and asked him about it.
The Arab replied, “Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember ...?”

Subject: FW: Never Lie to Your Mother

This is funny!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did" take the gravy ladle,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

_______________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

_______________________________________________________________
Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.

But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER! ! ! !

HMMMMM

right there with ya Queenie.

Thanks babyonboard.

YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF...

~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house.

~ You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid's birthdays.

~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you.


today'sTHOT============================

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

=======================================

today'sFUNNY===========================

My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "That's what you did yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."

today'sTHOT============================

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the rear.

=======================================

*Watermelon Mistake*

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

*Tree Faller*

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"

*Kind Word*

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

Was this at a truck stop in Pennsylvania? I think I ate there once...

When you travel a lot you learn to never eat at a place called "Mom's." "Mom" is usually some 50 year old beer bellied guy that last showered when Bill Clinton was president and works part time at the auto repair shop down the street. He often confuses repacking wheel bearings with what he is supposed to do with the food he prepares. So just avoid "Mom's."

The exception to this is if the only other place in town to eat is called "EATS." In that case, eat at "Mom's."



If all the cars in the parking lot have out-of-state plates, there is a reason for this. If the locals won't eat there you shouldn't either.


Mark

Things Got Ya
Down?

Well Then, Consider These:


In a hospital's Intensive Care
Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am ,
regardless of their medical condition. This
puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the super natural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred ar ound 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of
the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the
ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits. Just when the clock
struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum
cleaner.

Still Having a Bad
Day????


The average cost of
rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in
Alaska was
$80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into
the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate
them both.

Still think you are having a
Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her
husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost
in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had
been happily listening to his
Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? -
No?


Two animal rights
defenders were protesting the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn ,
Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and
escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to
death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad
Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet
didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling
Better?

Angry Wife
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Love Thy Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.