It wasn't remotely cordial, just strangely contained. I can't do anything to jeopardize my status as a fit parent right now. If that was not the case, believe me I have zero fear of Mr. Weasel. In the end, she's ten times the monster he is.

Two points Zen. One. She is mentally ill. Two. If you'd never met her you wouldn't have your babies. As I have said, she is nefarious. And on a personal level to you.....evil.

Remember your ace in the hole. Or rather several aces. In her very own words yet.

Yep, as Ouch said...document, document, document...

Yeah, I do think the narcissism of affairs has been eclipsed by possible real Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To try to minimize the pain and damage she's done takes a very special pathological mind. But who knows, it's easy to throw those terms around with this affair business. Waywards are crazy, there's no other way to put it. I'm angry that I should even have to be thinking about this. I need a lobotomy.

Zen: Embrace the pain. Stare it right in the face! Tackle it head on! Explore your feelings and keep after it. Don't bury it deep inside you...bad.

Let it out, as I'm sensing you have been doing all along. You got this bull by the horns now...steer it right where you want to go.

Strength.

And hugs. Reach out to Spartan if you think it might make you feel better? Sounds like he's going through a lot of the same as you.

I had a few bad days there, but I'm coming back to feeling better. Definitely hitting the anger and resentment stage. It's weird how all the good things can be dulled or wiped-out by some very bad things.

I'm feeling very loved and supported by friends and family, and I'm extremely grateful for it.

My son is officially potty-trained I think. This is a miracle that this happened during this mess, because mom wasn’t around much and dad was a mess. I think he just crossed some threshold in his own brain or something. He's talking like crazy too. He's the most loving and cuddly little man. I'm so thankful for my little ones. My daughter told me she LOVED going to the dentist this morning - always up for an adventure.

I'm starting to remember that there is life outside marital melt-down. I'm going out again, working in the garden, being productive with work. There will be a whole person again eventually.

Seems like the best thing for me is to avoid talking to or seeing Coho. It's just too much. I'm trying to just stay out of her twisted world so I don't have to listen to her sad and hurtful rationalizations. I guess I'll be doing my healing on my own.

-ZW

Wow, had a weird moment of elation when I realized I get the closet to myself today. That's just sad. I've been embracing the single dad role over the last few months, and it certainly has it's nice aspects. It's been so many years since I could just think of myself in decision making. I went shopping for cloths today. Wandered around window shopping and just enjoying the Spring. Made an excellent dinner with the kids and enjoyed bath time. After the kids go to bed it gets pretty lonely, but even this has it's liberating aspects.

Zen -

The closet to yourself? What are you going to do with all that space?? Have the kids come in and make a fort in there, or arrange your clothes in short sleeve, long sleeve, color-order. Hey, it's not much, but it's something.

Take care...

Much less laundry and fewer dishes to clean. There's another one.

I like the orderly closet idea. In addition to all the preparation for the divorce stuff which is goal number ONE right now, I'm making it an immediate goal to get this house in entertainment mode. BBQ planned for this weekend with everyone and their dog invited. This is going to be an epic summer, DAM*IT! I have a friend flying in from NY tomorrow who I can show around town as well.

Registering my daughter for kindergarten this week. That's a very bittersweet thought. Her school is two blocks away which is wonderful. Having substantially less daycare cost will also be nice. Seeing her head off into the public school system? Yikes.

Yeah, I did that yesterday. And he graduates on June 7 and is off to college in the fall. Time flies.

It's funny, I can't bring myself to read many of the threads with active affairs or recoveries these days. I'm sure for those going through it, it's hard to read mine. I remember hoping and hoping and hoping mine wouldn't end up as a bitter divorce thread.

I understand, Zen. I thought the whole time -- and it's been 16 months since D-day -- that this would NEVER in a MILLON YEARS end in divorce. And now -- that's what's happening.

I saw so many pluses on my side of the ledger and so much baggage on hers. And I thought there was no way he would ever leave our kids. But he isn't the same man I married. Nope, OW has corrupted him and I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. He's possessed by the devil and the devil doesn't belong near me and my kids. No way!

And, proudly, I'm not the pathetic, snotty nosed, crying mess I was back near d-day. I've come a long way, baby, and so, my friend, will you.

Your kids will appreciate the parent you are. They will. It just isn't fair at times that we -- the responsible parent -- is left with all the work. (Hey -- I think I'm repeating what I already said to you the other day.)

OK -- positive stuff. Your closet. Give it a fresh coat of paint. Buy some new clothes. Heck -- redecorate your room. Make it your sanctuary. I love my room now that I've redone it. I keep the TV on all night. But, sadly, I still sleep on my side of the bed.

I had a terrible bout of missing her tonight. Cuddled up on the couch watching a movie with the kids, folding laundry. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. But yes, I am accepting that it is.

Yeah, I sleep on my side of the bed. I haven't watched TV in forever. I find that I can't concentrate on it (if one concentrates on TV).

I received the first draft of the settlement documents today. It's very sobering to do this. It feels so final to have them in my hands. I never thought I'd be the one divorcing.

ZW.

I can only imagine how painful this is for you, but remember the fight you put up to save your M. Remember all you did to help Coho see the terrible thing she was doing, and please remember that for you, the D decision was a positive one for you and your children. She does not deserve you, and your children deserve to be protected from her.

You will be blissfully happy again one day soon, and will look back on this awful time as a time when you stood for yourself and your children, and you will have a much better persepective on it.

You'll be just fine.

Yes, I don't regret the decision, I regret that I HAD to make that decision. It was literally the only choice left to me. It's just hard to let go of the love you thought was going to be IT. On top of it, the ONENESS of my family meant everything to me.

Most of the time I'm feeling pretty good as I move forward. I know that this is right, and I know I will be OK. The grieving sucks. Knowing that she has someone else to comfort her is just too much. Knowing what she's walking away from makes me just ache for the pain she must be going through. It's not a pain that makes me want to save her or comfort her - obviously I couldn't do that - it's just horrible to see her do this to herself. It will be awful to watch her sweep this under the rug and expect everyone to just accept it. No one will though. There is no accepting it. There is no understanding it. There's just everyone else picking up the pieces of rubble she left behind and hoping she can be happy again.

Anyway, I have a couple renters interested in my lower floor. It's a big new house with beautiful gardens close to downtown. My family's home is now an apartment. My children's bedrooms will be someone else's. What used to take two people to do now has to be done by one. I doubt she's even thought about these kinds of things, directly caused by her decisions. The selfishness is astounding. All for a poisonous combination of 'love' and guilt. Thing is, if she saw another woman doing this, she would think very poorly of her. Or maybe she really believes that the feeling she gets from him is worth the loss of everything else.

Anyway, I'm doing better than this sounds. Every time I think I'm making a little progress, I get hit by a wave of sorrow, anger or bewilderment. It gets easier to reign it in though.

Having a good couple days. If it weren't for this painful grieving of my marriage, I'd say my life is going very well. There are some very good developments with work, I continue to have a ton of love and support from friends and family, the kids are doing very well, and the sun is out.

I met with my attorney again yesterday. I think we have the finer points of the settlement worked out and should be able to present papers to Coho soon. I feel like I've struck a balance of what is best for the children yet addresses my uncertainty about Coho's choices and lifestyle, and yet gives her a chance to be a stable mom involved in their life again if she desires it. It feels very good to have a direction and to be moving forward quickly. My attorney complimented my efficiency in getting this done. I would like nothing more than for this to be done.

You sound much more relaxed Zen, which can only be a good thing. I hope your grief moves along swiftly.

Good to see you listing all the good things, keep reminding yourself. Have you planned any treats for yourself and the kids?

I think the grief is just going to have to run it's course. Time is probably the only thing that will take it away. We're treating each other like strangers which is very jarring and it sucks. I don't see any other way because I simply cannot have any emotional attachment to her, and in her own way I'm sure she feels this same. That is hard.

Yeah, I'm trying to treat myself well. Unfortunately there's just no escaping the pain of this. We're going to a Cinco de Mayo celebration today. Should be fun.