I had an affair for 6 yrs which ended a over a year ago, when the OW showed up at my door and my wife found out. We had been working on staying together. Unfortunately I went back to the OW once, and almost as god's punishment OW got pregnant. The OC was born a couple of months ago. OW and I agreed to keep it secret, she didn't even want me in the child's life. So I thought everything was settled and I could work on rebuilding my marriage and my family (one child). To my surprise a couple of days ago I was served with paternity papers, they were handed to my wife while I was out. My wife was devastated and now wants out of the marriage. She says that she wants to separate to figure things out, but I suspect the already contacted a divorce attorney (I saw some emails). I desperately want to save my marriage, because I do love my wife and my son too much (which I didn't really show for the last few years). Many of my wife's female friends got divorced recently. She has told a couple of them and they of course tell her to get out of the marriage, because "once a cheater, always a cheater" and their own anger over their divorce. I know that this has been so traumatic for me that I will never cheat again. How can I convince my wife to try to rebuild?

Fullmoon,

Welcome to MB. You KNOW that keeping the break in NC and the resuming of the PA was going to destroy your BW, yet you did it. THEN on top of that continued betrayal you LIED to her by not telling her of the OC. Exactly how do you expect to her to ever trust you? You say the A lasted 6 years? Did you ever go complete NC with OW? Did you attend the birth of the OC? Have you seen the OC?

You see, the A didn't "end" if the secrets between you and OW continued.

What are you willing to do to show your BW that you want your marriage? What exactly does the OW want besides CS? What do you want? Do you want contact with the OC? Has DNA been done yet?

If you really, really want you M to succed and not end in D. You are going to need to do several things and STILL it will be an uphill battle.

1. DNA
2. NC for LIFE with OW
3. NC with OC if that is what your BW wants. SHE gets to drive the boat in this regard.
4. Polygraph proving there are no more lies.
5. (most important) Learn and implement the MB principles in your life and marriage
6. Write a NC letter approved and mailed by your BW to the OW.
7. If you are a man of faith you need to do a full confession to the members and leaders or whereever it is you worship.

more to come...

Oh and "how do you convince your BW"? By changing, not by words but by deeds. See list above.

Faithful Follower, you are absolutely right. I am the one who did the cheating and lying and I deserve no mercy. There has been NC with the OW since the OC was conceived, except for one visit after OC was born. I agree with all of your suggested actions and am fully willing to do everything necessary. And I fully understand that my BW drives the boat in this.

FullMoon..

If you follow the belief that the BW "drives the boat" here in all aspects, great resentment is going to brew at some point.

You know you were wrong, you know that you affected the people that you love greatly, but how things are handled from this point out in regards to the child from the affair must be something that you, too, can live with..

You are human, too, and have begun to show that by even being on this site.

I wish you well and pray for your recovery,

Eibrab

I agree with Eibrab that Dr. Harleys POJA (policy of joint agreement) is EXACTLY avoid the resentment she mentions. However UNTIL you prove yourself trustworthy, your BW does indeed need to "drive the boat". Once you are in marital recovery, then you can readdress the contact with OC issue. It is vital you be upfront and honest with your BW regarding your feelings about contact. Keep in mind also, that as she begins to trust you again her feelings about the OC may change as well.

My H and I just began C with the 4 y/o OC. It is going well.

God bless.

Thanks for the advice. I just signed up for this site today, so I still have to go through a lot of the tools that are offered here. I hope I will be able to regain my BW's trust at some point. Right now, from her express desire to separate, I am not very hopeful.

Fullmoon, if you are really serious about saving your M and truly repentent I suggest you familiarize yourself thoroughly with Dr Harley's concepts and plan A your wife.

I don't have much time right now, but your W has been through 2 very big shocks and is reeling from it. You will need to go through some long term and consistant changes to prove to her that you are worth the trouble.

So tell us more about your M. How long married? Only one child with your wife? Where did you meet the OW?

I am more than serious about saving my M and extremely remorseful, to the point that I cannot eat or sleep. Every time I think about it I start crying. I am fully aware of the pain I have inflicted, and I am actually thankful that she is still talking to me. She has a big heart, but at this point I might have messed it up so badly that there is little hope of reconciliation. Anyway, we've know eachother for 18 years, lived together for 16, married for 14. One child together, who we both love tremendously. Met OW on the Internet shortly after I lost my job and apparently had too much time on my hands. The whole thing took on a life on itself. Never thought I would ever do anything like that. - Anyway, I am thankful for any advice and support I can get.

Wow, you sound a lot like my H. He allegedly has twin daughters ages 7 with an OW. They have been raised as the OW H children. He apparently knows they are not his kids but has raised them as his. He also knows about the A; amazinly he "accidentaly" found out about a 48 hours after my first visit with the divorce attorney. When the OW though my H was available, boy did she make room for my H. But now my H and the OW are basically NC and her H has moved back with her... convenient..

There is no DNA and given the things she has tried to lie to my H about in the past I don't know what to believe. But, she refuses DNA so what does that tell you.

My advice is first, you cannot contact the OW. Your deeply ingrained behavior patterns with her are set. You cannot "just be friends" because you can't go back, just like in your marriage, you can't go back and undo the damage. It is an addiction. To sex, ego stroking, fun, chemistry... what ever.

Second, if you do slip up, you need to be totally honest and pro active with her. My kids bashed in the TV last weekend. It was an accident but a very expensive one. My daughter called crying and apologetic. Did I yell at her? No. If I would have come home and found it broken would I have blown up and grounded her, yep, probably. I was angry but I respected her honesty. Don't lie, either outwardly or lies of omission.

I have found little secret messages and my H went as far as having the OW buy him a cell phone to call her with because he know I could check his calls on his cell phone. Oh, and by the way, he says it's all about the kids. Well, there were no messages about the kids on that phone, just sexual inuendo and flirting.

I gave them the chance to have a relationship "just about the kids" and they failed miserably. I know he really wants to be involved with the kids and I know he tried but I also know it was impossible for him to do. I could have lived with the kids in my life if SHE wasn't but they couldn't do it. He tossed away a chance to have a relationship with the kids because he couldn't stop being sexually drawn to her.

Congratulations on participating here. I wish you well, but take it from me, her nerves are raw and you poured salt on the healing wound and ripped it open again. I think you'll make it. I hope so. How is IC going?

Thanks for all the support and advice. Since I'm new to this site and the acronyms, what does IC stand for?

IC is individual counselor

yes, I am seeing an IC. And my BW and I have been in counseling together since the A originally was discovered. She even agreed to see our counselor again together, not that the situation with the OC has come to light. I have had NC with OW and OC except for one visit right after the OC was born three months ago and a recent short email exchange regarding the paternity petition she filed. What troubles me right now is that I found out that my BW has asked a friend for legal referrals. Not sure what she is planning to do. We are still in the same house together (I sleep on the couch in the office now) and she treats me well. She is a very classy person.

Do the honorable thing and protect your COM (child of the marriage) by setting up a legal support before the OC situation gets to court. You and BW can get an attorney to work up what the figure would be. In my state you can live together while legally separated. Not all states allow it but your BW would likely feel much more secure if she could see you have her and your COM best interest at heart.

You might also consider if she is willing to stay married, setting up a post nuptial agreement giving everything to her, including custody of your child if you cheat again.

That's an interesting consideration. Certainly food for thought. Thanks again.

I guess right now I just have to be patient and give my BW time. I know she is planning to talk to an attorney, but I'm not 100% sure of the full intentions of that, whether it is just to find out what the law is in case we separate or divorce or if she is actually starting proceedings. I told her that I am now following the Policy of Radical Honesty. So she knows everything I feel and she knows everything I do. I don't expect that from her at this point. She's still pretty numb from what happened.

I still think depending on your state laws, you need to financially protect her and your child before OW gets her support order. I don't think you know how these CS orders can decimate a family.

You have said that the A is over and there is NC, EXCEPT for one last sexual liaison, EXCEPT for a visit after OC was born, EXCEPT for email exchances, EXCEPT ?????. How can your BW possibly believe you?

You say she knows everything you know and do. I really doubt that. You have to be able to back up words with action. You have not done this. I am sorry. This does not look hopeful.

AM

Armymama, I don't know what angers you about what I said. Let me reiterate: After that last sexual liaison more than a year ago, there has been no physical contact with OW, except once to see the OC right after OC was born. The email exchanges were purely about the paternity petition. I considered signing a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity to avoid the whole court mess. That's what it was about. I do not want any contact with OW, but I am trying to figure out what my relationship with OC should be. And when you talk about backing up my words with actions, what do you suggest? Should I just abandon OC just to have absolutely NC with OW?

Faithful Follower, I have an appointment with an attorney before the paternity hearing. My BW might actually join me for that, because we are aware that we have to protect BW and COM.