You have hurt my emotional feelings! My self esteem is ruint!

I like myself WHEN I do right. IF I do wrong, me no likey. This may stem from my effed-up childhood. I'm a work in progress.

Feeling good about one's self (high self esteem) when one has NO REASON to (not doing the right thing) - is a narcissistic trait

SOLUTION:

Awesome. You guys & gals teach me something new every day.

I was gonna say: "Suck it up, Princess", but your version works too!

Mrs. W

Now the search function works a bit, I can find old threads that tickle my remembery. And here is a fairly interesting thread from years ago on this very topic:

Low Self Esteem. Not.

eta: The link wants to jump to the middle of the thread. Scan back to the top to get it all.

y'all are mean and hateful!

Mel, don't stop believin'!

It's YOUR truth.

That's what matters. :crosseyedcrazy:

I'm not trying to be snarky, here. I'm having huge issues with self-esteem and self-respect. Most of the time, I DO the right thing, and I make good choices. I'm living a life I'm proud of.

And yet, I feel like sh*t about myself. I need the approval of others in order to feel good about myself.

So, what do you do when "other-respect or other-esteem" trumps self respect/self esteem.

(Other than meet with your therapist, which I'm hoping to do soon.)

So why do you CHOOSE to look outside of yourself for approval? Do you see that is not working for you? The very practice of looking to OTHERS for your approval is a slap in your face. How can you feel good about yourself when you treat yourself so disrespectfully?

Personally, what I would do is journal about this in order to gain insight. Journaling has helped me figure out the "why" I do things.

It is probably something you do out of habit.

Message to SELF: your approval is meaningless and takes second place to the approval of every Tom, [censored], and Harry, no matter how insignificant. My value as a human being is contingent upon the approval of someone whom I may not respect or EVEN KNOW. Why oh why would I do that to myself?

Because unlearning codependent behavior is a b*tch. I've noticed that self-respect right now, is what's holding me back in my recovery. And it's hitting me hard as I've been cut off from one of my major sources of other esteem-and I'm making my partner (who has done wonderfully with his recovery) suffer consequences he shouldn't have to.

My suggestion: knock it off

So true. It's a long-standing habit & we have to consciously CHOOSE better thoughts. It's not easy. But, we can do it anyway.

You may be wise to take a look at those around you too...something about "the company we keep". I've noticed that as my self-love grows, those around me who don't truly have my best interests at heart want to attack me with their drama and woe-is-me and general unhappiness. And, my long-standing, habitual, FORMER way of being is sometimes tempted to get sucked in. But I can always CHOOSE to excuse that from my life, for ME and my kids. It can be scary at first. And also wonderful, refreshing and liberating. Misery loves company...but I don't have to be available.

The downfall of looking to others for your approval is that this is usually a practice of dysfunctional people who dont like themselves anyway. And because they think they are vermin, they tend to think everyone else sees them that way too. So looking to others for approval is a no win situation no matter what.

Hi Pep – have you always had good self-respect (high esteem)?

“I think this phrase has just become a hockey-puck ... thrown out on the ice and hit about”

As an English teacher who loves words, I have to admit that “self-esteem” has been tossed around enough to have many meanings and, at the same time, have no meaning by now.

“self RESPECT requires a reverence for doing what is ~right~

for doing what is difficult

for bringing HONOR to our own world

for meeting our obligations

self esteem gets all bound up with feelings ....

RESPECT is the key”

Devil’s advocate here – the above seems like a bit of oversimplification (even with the words changed to “self-respect”).

Julie2U mentioned effed up childhood...

Growing up, my sister (who is a clinical psychologist and counsels abused children) and I were berated for everything we did, right or wrong. We weren’t allowed to speak or have opinions (we were slapped if we spoke, sometimes kicked, even had hot coffee poured on us). After we finally left home, certain family members continued to ridicule us for every action or opinion.

She and I were speaking recently and were surprised to discover that we both (in our 50’s) have not been able to feel better about ourselves, no matter how many successes we achieve in life, school, or work. Inside, we still feel like 5 year olds being kicked.

We have both had years of therapy, been on various meds, we’re both Christians and have spent our lives soul-searching and studying spirituality. Nothing has changed the way we really feel about ourselves.

I’m not blaming low self-esteem for my A (although it was obviously a good example of a lack of self-respect), but feeling like garbage about myself did make the attention and “flattery” appealing.

Mostly what I’m saying, though, is that it isn’t necessarily as simple as “doing the right thing,” or wearing “big-girl panties” to gain self-esteem or self-respect.

Peace-
Rose

See, but that's not the problem. My husband's been sober and in recovery for 2 years now.

I haven't spoken to my FOO in over a year.

So, really for my purposes, the company I currently keep is mentally/emotionally stable.

This. is. it. exactly. (Minus the affair.)