SL,

Glad you made it back safely. Remember, you have a job and a precious little guy who you can afford to feed and clothe now. Let that be enough for today.

I truly believe that you have been through the worst.

Work is good, and is the only time I feel normal during the day. Living with dad is going to be interesting, and I don't see it going on for very long. I need to save some money, get back some financial footing, and then I will move on.

As for AZman, I dunno what to do. We have talked a lot about our relationship and are so unsure as to what to do. Right now, I would be fine with a long distance thing, even though we couldn't see each other very often. I say that now, and know how difficult it will be, so I have no idea what the future will bring. I just know that I have lost a lot of momentum and am not ready to end things with him. He is willing to mirror what I can do. Ho hum, we'll see.

Welcome back.

Sorry it didn't work out, SL.

Time to 'regroup' and get back on that horse?

SL

((((((((((SL)))))))))),

YOU are one of the bravest, smartest, and bestest woman I know.......
even on your downest days.......


not

Not, I appreciate your compliment. These days, I don't feel very deserving. I am coping, but feel like a mess inside.

I still have the house to settle with the Z, which I had hoped to take care of from afar while I was in AZ. Now that I'm back, and he seems sooooo relieved, he's balking at the settlement. He's balking at having to pay more child support again. Part of our parenting plan when I moved out to AZ was that he would pay for DS's travel and needs while with him, as well as take him for a longer period during the summer months.
What angers me is that he flew DS out once while I was out there; once in three months. Where was the rest of the money? Whatever.

Anyway, so I feel like I have taken many steps backward, and feel lost. Topping it all off, my heart is aching over missing AZman. I am very much in love with him, and have no idea what to do. We will continue with a long distance relationship.

When I moved out there, in the beginning, I missed grass. Now, I miss all the good weather AZ provides. I always felt so lively. It is soooo WET here. Bleh. I didn't miss that.

OMG, (((((((((SL))))))))))))) I am so sorry, I hate that crying face...It makes me cry......Hang in there.

I for one and so GLAD you aren't giving up on AZman. Long distance or not, he is good for you because it's a diversion from the nastiness of the WW.

Here's something to beat on so you can feel a little bit better. You always are telling everyone else something good is just around the corner. It's your turn, very soon. Because you have always been willing to do what it takes to try and recover your M, because you are trying to be the better parent and do what's best for your son, even if it hurts you, I truly believe one day SOON, you will be blessed beyond your imagination because you are loved by so many and you help so many others and you are always thinking of others before you.

Now... as for the weather. It's probably beautiful still with all the leaves. And the Redskins won.

But...

That might not tickle your fancy so... throw your feet down, have a great screaming match with G-d, and trust that once it's all out, it will feel better. If only for a moment.

Awwww, Miss Lucidity

I wish I had more to offer.....

We know how frustrating and irresponsible and unfair and and and..... the waywards can be. I'm so sorry you had to come back to dealing with that.

Hang in there, my friend, it will get better again. I know that sounds superficial, but you know it is true. It was true before and it will be true again.

Take care - many thoughts and prayers are sent you and DS' way.

Fox

Queenie, I soooo appreciate you responding. I pray that the answers will come. I think a major issue is settling on the house. I should have gotten that done before I left; it was a major misstep, and could have saved me this trip back.

Your hearing me and letting me know you care is so much, Foxy. I just needed you guys today. Work is very busy, so that is good, and I'm back into the swing of things like no time has passed.

I knew when I moved out there that dealing with the Z was going to be a veritable life long process, but I had hoped I would not have to return here.

Thank you for the hugs, much appreciated.

Remember to not take too much on at once..... take this moment, or this hour, or this day....only as much as you can handle right now.

You don't know what the future will bring - you can only do what you can do in THIS moment, so don't fight the future before it gets here. KWIM?

I'm glad at least the job is going well. Are all your compadres glad to have you back?

Fox

Yes, ma'am, I do know what you mean. Thank you for pointing this out. That is exactly what I have been doing. I want so badly what I want that I have been thinking IN the future. I am afraid to wait too long before getting the heck back outta dogde, ya know. I am agitated, uneasy.

My cohorts at work did miss me, and appreicate the work that I do. It's the only place where I feel normal right now.

(((((((((SL)))))))),

Ah, havin' one of those days, are we?? Questioning eveything, everyone, and anything. Easy for people to do in all walks of life......

One thing to remember, things could be worse, it can only go up from here, and whose footprints are those in the sand?.........

I'm pondering your faith question dear, BUT I will tell you that I have faith in you to find the answers you seek......

Not2fun

ps.....okay, philosophy is NOT my strong suit.......

I have thought about those less fortunate, and those who have so much fear that they cannot take a step in any direction. I have thought about how lucky I am to have family to help me, and I hope to give back as soon as I can. I prefer to be the helper, ya know, so falling back on my dad's good graces has also been a struggle for me.

Thanks, lady, for reminding me, though...

How's you today, mi chica?

Fox

SL,

Fox is so right. Instead of fearing the future, live in anticipation of it. Be curious as to what it will bring instead of trying to navigate it before it happens. I truly think that this move back is a stepping stone for you. You had reached somewhat of a dead end in AZ (at least I consider no income a dead end), so what would you do if you reached a dead end street in your car? You would turn around, go back, and take the same road or another one to get to where you ultimately wanted to go.

Again, please consider yourself lucky that you have a job with coworkers who love you. Those of us who want one and haven't been able to get one look at you in envy.

Get a plan. Let Step One be to have an income. Check. Step Two is to get DS settled and into a routine. Check. Step three is a place to live and so on. Maybe this break in your relationship with AZ man is a positive thing???

Ok. so give it a year. Or 6 months, whatever. If things haven't worked out the way you want, then go to Plan B, whatever that might be. Give God a little time to work.

Sorry that things have been tough, SL. Just because the move didn't work out this time doesn't mean that it can't in the future. The job market will be different even six months from now. Nowhere is it carved in stone that SL MUST STAY IN BALTIMORE FOREVER.

Now that I think about it, weren't you going to go in with me on the Shooting Range and Tranquility Spa for Betrayed Spouses?

Remember to breathe.

SL

Chai, you are so right about so much.

In the most recent news, I am looking for a place of my own now. It's been two weeks with my dad and he's just drunk all of the time. I can't stand it. It's not as if he's mean or anything. I dunno, it's uncomfortable for me and I don't want DS in that environment. Unfortunately, this means another hunk out of retirement, but you can't put a price on serenity. I need some peace to slowly begin moving forward again.

Guy SMILEY!!!!! Whoa, haven't seen you in a while.

You are right, the job market could turn around (trust me, I still have my eyes west--keeping my resume updated and on file with all the search programs, and keeping in touch with headhunters).

I need to settle up on the divorce, get that all out of the way and THEN move on. It was hasty of me to move out to AZ without the settlement, but everything just seemed to be falling into place so easily, it seemed right.

SL,

Glad to see signs of your letting yourself be ok with the move not working out, and putting your eyes and efforts to the future.

Your efforts are so much better spent there!


You most certainly do need to get those final items settled with the D. I'm sorry they didn't fall into place as easily has you had hoped. Yet now you are where you can really make it happen & finally be done with it all.

You are right, no matter the expense, to make arrangements for your own place - - for your serenity AND for DS. While I'm sure you love your Dad & he loves you, that is not a good environment.

Find that SPECIAL place that is meant for you! You deserve it!

Chin up & Chest out - life is going to be looking up, as long as you keep looking up, too!

This has been a rollercoaster of a couple of weeks. Last night was a breaking point for me. AZman had to remind me to let go of the things I cannot control, and to find joy in the moment again. He said that I embroil myself in a cloud of doubt. ASked me to just focus on my mission, whatever that is.

I have decided that my mission is to settle things here and go from there. My ambition is to move away again. It will take as long as it takes.