{{{Queenie}}}} It's been a long time. Glad to know you keep on growing stronger, I've missed you guys but been very busy with my recovery from the op etc.
Still praying for you

Wow, how are you? It has been a long time. I am growing stronger living my life as G-d wants. It's been a tough journey. But I keep on keeping on. What's happening with you?

Shabbat Shalom and happy weekend everyone, thank you for stopping by.

Can you hear the voices? Is it that loud in your head like it is ME. My chattering, my insanity never stops. Its so loud lately its driving me crazy. It quiets, but it doesn't stop. This journey has been so much more about me and recovering myself as a human being, that my M, well its not anywhere near what I hope.

Personal recovery continues. I fight everyday to survive the thoughts and voices in my head. Not because this A happened but because of who I AM. Who G-d created me to be. I don't process life the way a normy does. And so, the ADDICTED mind is very understandable to me. I have spent nearly my entire life avoiding the FEELINGS, through drugs, alcohol, food, money, sex, marriage, etc. In the end, when the curtain closed it was all about my relationship with G-d.

Most of you aren't "damaged" like me. You are able to see your part and realize that your wayward is a screw up. I see my part and it destroys me. It destroys me because my children were the ones who ultimately were hurt and I find it unforgiveable.

So, my journey moved to forgivness of myself. For the night when my dog died, and I stayed at school and ran a bingo night for all the families of the school instead of being at home and being a wife and mother, which in the end was all I EVER wanted, I just didn't realize it until too late.

I'm so ashamed of myself and the choices I made in life. And truth be told I am no different than any other wayward on here, not in the same way, but in the same actions. The hurtful behavior, the lying, the chaos, the destruction of a family and you all seem to think I am someone with strength. I don't deserve it. Not yet, because I'm still fighting for survival. It's true you can survive the affair, but life as an addicted who hears the committee in her head - ah that's a totally different matter.

HI Queen! Just wanted to drop in and say that I'm sorry that you are having trouble with OS. Stand tall and keep your foot down...he may not respect you today but he will...

You know how kids think that they know it all...supporting you all the way...

Rin

Well, I had to have an op in the end, and somehow that brought WS back home. So we are now trying recovery. It has been a very long and tough road. We are no where near out of the woods, he still speaks to her and so in turn i don't think we have hit recovery as such.I don't know what the future holds but I am taking a chance.

Do you avoid them NOW? If not, then you are not as currently DAMAGED as you think or assume. Queenie, we ALL have baggage, issues, problems, FOO carp. ALL OF US. It's what you do from this point on, KNOWING this, that counts.

Most of us are damaged, Queenie. Maybe not specifically just like you. some of us come from alcoholic FAMILIES. Some of us come from abusive families.




I can relate; many can. I would hope you see beyond your situation and understand that many of us feel the same way, just for different reasons. Sounds like you've sealed their fate and have given up.




Now this just sounds like you are punishing yourself, being dramatic. Are your children still alive? Are you still alive? Do you still talk? If the answer to any of the above is yes, well, then it's not over. You still have a FAMILY, Queenie, just not what you had designed in your head. You cannot change the past, but you can make a better future, a better today.

IMO, you are negative self talking here. For what? What purpose does this serve? Stop it! Snap out of it!

It takes TWO people to make or break a marriage.



And if you continue to self loathe, how will you survive it? You gotta spend more time looking at today, fixing things as you go, and stop living in the past. When you get that negative talk, snap that rubber band and move along. I know I'm oversimplifying, but you are complicating things with this negativity.

This is all in my very humble opinion.

Queenie,

SL makes a lot of GREAT points! Listen to her!

And stop letting the inside of your head be a 'committe'. It's a partnership - - you & G-d! Period.

It's that partnership that moved you from D day to today & has made you the stronger woman that you ARE. I've often told you to go back & read thru your past posts. Do it again. See for yourself, instead of throwing yourself a pity party.

Think about where your kids would be if you had stayed the quivering puddle of goo you were at one time.

Don't make me come over and give you a "Snap out of it" smack! :twobyfour:

You know I say all of this out of total love, right?

Hi Queenie-

You have email

Thanks SL and Bugs,

I really do and always have appreciated your honesty. I honestly don't believe that what I was doing was complete self-loathing or pitying but getting to a deeper level of my recovery.

I don't have the words to describe correctly what is happening because I don't completely understand myself. I'm being kind to myself, relaxing, listening to feng shui music and just not "doing" but being. Something is getting worked out in me with my relationship to G-d and my past. I have to see this through.

If I seem like I'm full of self-loathing, please trust its just something I need to work through, and I am doing that.

So many of you have become a part of my life and I'm so grateful to you. We all have a path to healing, this one is just one piece of that recovery for me to be set free from my past and regrets.

Have FAITH in ME. G-d is right with me on this one.

I have faith in you Queenie. What I read did sound like self flagellation, and it concerned me; seemed like backsliding. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself, which is healthy. I just don't want you taking responsibility for anybody else's part; not your WH, not your children, not your family or friends.

When I look back, I see it as a learning opportunity now, I don't assign all that emotion to it anymore. I see what I did wrong, and I work to change the behaviors and habits so that I can be an even better person. I USED to look back and kick myself, but what's done cannot be erased, and I could spend countless hours bringing myself down, but I've got a DS to raise into a man, and don't have time for all of that.

I just felt compelled to make sure you were being honest with yourself, and not taking responsibility for others' demons.

Hey Mrs Queenie,

long time no hear....how's it going?

Shabbat Shalom, Queenie.

Shabbat Shalom Mark,

How are you doing?

Hi Lil, I'm hanging in there, spending a lot of time with the bible and prayer. Keeping it simple and easy this week. Kinda really working hard to not work at life and letting G-d lead my path for me.

You know that flashlight analogy Mr. Mark gives me.

I had quite an interesting experience this week. One day a little preschooler came into the office and needed her medicine. I haven't given medicine for a long time, but I can pretty much remember what I am doing. However, to be all honest I was a little distracted working on kindergarten orientation stuff.

So, I went into the healthroom, looked at the syringe and then the bottle for amount, then I believe I checked two other times, took out 1ml and apple juice and gave the little girl her medicine. The para said, that was way too much medicine and I say no it wasn't. She said yes, the nurse only gives her 1 of those and I gave her 10 times of the amount she said.

I quickly tried to get the little girl to spit it out. Well, she is in preschool for a reason, special ed preschool. Anyways, the medicine was gone. We quickly got the nurse, she called the mom, who also was a school nurse, she was coming right over, and called the pharmacy and poison control. It turns out this SEIZURE medicine would only cause her drowsiness and wabblyness.

As you can imagine I beat myself up pretty much. I was mortified. I tried to justify it, but in my heart I questioned whether I had checked it clearly enough. I was scared, scared I was going to lose my job, because the nurse needed to fill out an accident report, scared I was going to be sued and embarrassed that I had endangered a little girls life possibly.

I got to sit there with my thoughts and you know ME, beating myself is ONE of the WORST traits I have. But I also prayed, I prayed for the little girl, I prayed for G-d to help me walk through all the ramifications, etc.

Mom showed up and after a few minutes my emotions got the better of me, I walked over to face and her and broke down crying how sorry I was. She told me wait, I told her no, I need to finish my apology and then she interrupted and said, I DIDN'T give her the wrong amount. The nurse had been giving her the wrong amount the entire time. It was now the nurses' turn to feel like all those things I felt like and like how she tried to console me, I was consoling her.

There is no reason to go into the enormous amount of relief and gratitude to g-d for helping me through that, but what was the most important part was MY LESSON from G-d.

Some of you might already see it coming, but here it goes because it's important for me to own. When I thought I had hurt that child, I was the scum of the earth and there was no room in my heart for me to be human and make an error. When it was the nurse who made the mistake, I was all over it telling her it's ok, it happens, we are human, etc.

I judge myself so harshly for so MUCH. As my sponsor and most of you who are still patiently walking throught with me, tried to get me to understand, it truly is time for me to put the hammer, the sledge hammer that is down. I have so admitted my sins to g-d. I have repented, changed my ways and can begin a different level of healing.

I don't know if my marriage can be saved or it's even in G-ds plan for me, so what I have begun to pray for is the courage to accept the consequences of my actions and help me move forward in life, knowing that I have paid my dues, will pay my dues if g-d puts it in my face and that I am a human being and can truly let it go.

Wow Queenie that was beautiful.. YOU are beautiful...

Thanks for sharing that... it is a lesson we all need to remember...

It does take a lot of courage, too. Amen, Queenie.

I struggle/d with forgiving myself for being what I had considered weak by giving up on my marriage. I did give up. I didn't love enough. I didn't give enough. I coulda/shoulda/woulda done more/better if only....

My head had been a mess with these thoughts for a while after I filed for divorce. I still struggle at times to forgive myself for not holding on longer. Intellectually, I don't believe it woulda made a bit of a difference, but it's hard to accept. So I push myself to move forward, cuz, in the end, I only control me, and there were two of us in that divorce court...

You're a beautiful person Queenie. God IS working in your life and you're doing all you can do.

Pray for HIS guidance and will. But still do all you can do each day to make life a little better than the day before. My mom works in a preschool and has taught for many years the pre k class. She loves it. And also is too hard imho on herself. She just loves the little ones so much..like you do.

Many hugs..you'll do this. You'll get thru this..with flying colors..look at your friends here!!!

Wow Queenie... that's an awesome story, and what a perfect way to illustrate how much harder you can be on yourself. You are an awesome person, a loving and caring person and a kind and gentle person. You deserve to be kind and gentle to yourself too.

*hugs*

Thank you so much for all the support you have given me. Truly, I have NO misconceptions that I would be this recovered if it weren't for you in my life.

I have concentrated on Jeremiah this past week, actually ever since my last pit visit. There is so much that applies. I don't know if I have mentioned, but I got a new bible, not torah. It's called the life recovery bible and it's really helping me to understand possible meanings with an AA twist on it. I am finding it easier to process and put into language that I can understand. One reason is because it's in English, versus Hebrew. LOL..

Just kidding

I hope you all are having a wonderful mother's day. Mine was absolutely awesome.

Hello, my beautiful friend. I'm so glad you had an awesome Mother's Day. And may you have many awesome regular days to follow.

You've been on my mind so much as I've been following your journey here. Do you realize how many people you touch as well?

God bless you.

Wonderful translation! You'll be teaching others from that version before we know it.

Hi Looking,

I would love to chat with you on the phone. I realized a moment ago, that my strength is not in figuring out what to do, but I am so there in how to do it. I have worked Plan A, B. I exposed to everyone and anyone who would listen. I was creative in Plan A, and made it through Plan B.

I have learned alot about me, but then that's what G-d had in mind all along.

Teaching, naw, not me PM. But certainly sharing my experience, strength and hope with this new version because it's hitting my heart and understanding in a very empowering way. That and all the things G-d is doing in my life today.