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#2256852 05/06/09 09:26 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
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stupidw Offline OP
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I am feeling like a huge idiot. Posted all this bs almost 2 years ago about I was leaving if this/that/ Well here I am. Still miserable. I don't think I ever posted about going to a marriage counselor. We did. Was a HUGE waste of time. He lied to her then got insulted and said she was picking on him. I felt this was pretty silly, really what did she care? She basically told me I needed to get out. He was going to continue to manipulate me, demean me, etc. Some issues come up that he needs to deal with, he would admit them with one breath and deny them with the next.

We have had some good times and bad times over the past two years. Here is the problem. One of the things that happens is he totally disregards my feelings and likes to make me feel insignificant, especially if it comes between my feelings and some one else's. Therapist pointed this out as well. This has happened several times over the years. Usually I just would swallow it and move on. However, since the therapist pointed out that his doing this was what gave him the sense of entitlement to the affair, I am not willing to put up with it anymore.

This started happening on a more regular basis. Two instances pretty close together. His comment, no, he didn't do it, no he didn't mean to do it. Then that is followed up with, our relationship works when you want it to, You just want me to pay for this affair for the rest of my life. The thing is, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I left my guard down, start to feel close to him again, then he turns around and squashes me down, does something to make me feel like I don't matter, like I am scum. The therapist said as long as I accept this treatment, he will have another affair. She felt pretty confident he would anyway based on the way therapy went.

So I guess, today I am feeling like, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't just say, ok enough is enough, I am out the door? Haven't had sex in forever, he hasn't really approached me for it either. Don't think he is having another affair. No closeness, feels basically like we are roommates. Doesn't really seem to be bothering him too terribly much.

Maybe I just needed to stay this long to make sure that I did try, that I gave us a chance to get somewhere close to where we were. I remember everyone saying it took a few years to rebuild. I just don't feel like we have done any of that.

I don't know if there are people here who weren't able to rebuild. I guess that's what I am looking for. How do you know when you have done everything you can do and what helps you come to the realization that it just isn't going to work?


stupid wife
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How long have you been married?
When was D-day?
Do you have children (ages?)?

The above info might change whether you decide to stay or walk.

Is your husband interested in learning better marriage skills?
Would he do the online classes that the Harleys now offer?

You sound like you are ready for Plan B or Plan D.
Plan B is usually to separate yourself from the pain of an ongoing affair, but I think you could use it to separate yourself from the pain of a spouse that's not (yet) committed to working on building a decent marriage.

Are you sure he's not having another affair?

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stupidw Offline OP
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Actually I guess we had two d-days. The original one was on October of 2006, then again in April when I found out he couldn't stay away from her.

We will technically be married 25 years this year. Didn't celebrate the past couple. Yes have children. 23, 21, and 11.

Previously, I had emailed him various things from the website. He deleted them without even opening them. He didn't participate much in the marriage counseling, I don't know if he would do anything or not.

I don't think he is having another affair, but then again, I guess I can never be sure. He could have learned how to be more careful.


stupid wife
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Please change your moniker...you are NOT stupid!!!

Didn't I gripe about this to you last year?

Charlotte

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stupidw Offline OP
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Ha! yeah,just thought it would be easier to follow along.


stupid wife
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Do you have this in 2 places? I'm confused. You need to ask the mods to consolidate your threads.


Moderated by  Fordude 

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