Thank you Ned. I really appreciate your post.

Many say this to me, many. I realize that my denying it seems stupid but I am not really denying it. My eyes are open, my heart is protected except for the pain I have already experienced. The ONLY reason I am still here is because there will not be anyone else. I will never do this again and I say that with conviction. I have a life that I can be content with alone and one that mostly has me being alone and away from most other people anyway. I would never ever ever put myself into a situation of caring again. I have no trust left. If this does not work out to be what I am hoping it does then this is it for me. There is no way on God's green earth I would do this again, not a chance. So you see there is not any hoping for a new or great relationship other than trying this one last time on this one. If I can see this through to something I can live with then that is my choice because it would be preferable to being alone but even if it is good I am afraid it would only be preferable at this point.

Thank you, really. I will put this in my growing list of warnings. I keep them close and keep them always in mind.

faithful follower you make me cry. This was needed. Yes you are right, it was all about him. He says as much. He did hate me, I felt it and I knew it but I never knew why until now. It was because of him and I resent him so much at this moment that I can only think to question myself because instead of looking at himself he rejected the idea that there could ever be anything wrong with him, it had to be me so he left in every way he could but kept me around for the work.

I do not think I will ever heal from this but I do hope at some point to be able to live with it.

Thank you.

He did hate me I felt it every day and I knew it by the way he would walk past me as if I did not exist.

He was never trapped. He stayed because I was useful and apparently stupid enough to believe he could never do what I suspected he was doing.

black_raven,

Thanks for the hug and the reply.

I have no idea what he felt for her, he says he loved her so that is all I can go on. I hate to think he did all of these women just to get back at my refusal to jump at his every whim.

Well tomorrow is the big day. I am sad and depressed beyond words, worse that ever before and GM's response? I need to stop wallowing in the MB forums because I get advice to leave him and it depresses me. MB forums make me angry. LOL, no matter how many times I tell him they help me...ME... he sees these forums as my source for sadness. I guess becoming a "new man" has wiped his slate clean.

It is all manipulation and still about him.

I have never said "uncle" in my entire life but I think this may be the time.

HA, he says the only thing that will help me is his death. Could he really not understand more than that yet?

SSS-
if any person can understand EXACTLY how you feel - its me.
i was/am you, as you know the history of my H's affairs were for 12 years with many different women- for all lenghts of time.

he also totally ignored me during those years- and treated me with contempt. like the sight, smell and my voice totally disgusted him.
but if you and i- can both do as some of the other say- and remove our own hurt and ego from the equation- we can see the truth. THEIR CHEATING AND HATING OF US- HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

it is TRUE!!!!! it was their own brokenness- their own self-hatred, their own neediness.

Sadly - we were broken too- for if we were whole- we would have never stayed.

but - they picked us for this reason. they subconscously knew we needed them- and they knew that we didnt have the selfish needs that they had- and that we would become the givers and they would become the takers.

so - we were part of the mess too. our brokenness led us to be attracted to that kind of man.

so - in order to make their lives make sense - they needed a scapegoat. that was us.

they hated us bc in their eyes- when they looked at us - they saw the truth of who they were- so they heaped all that onto us- instead of looking at themselves.

anyway - i am at a place now where i'm not sure if all that stuff even matters anymore. whatever the reasons it happened, it happened.

so - you and i have a choice.
do we choose to dump the guy?
do we choose to try to heal the marriage?
do we choose to heal ourselves?
do we choose to enjoy the rest of our lives or let the past ruin our future?

i also felt EXACTLY as you about the anniversary, mother's day, etc.

we decided to NOT celebrate our anniversary at all. i feel that marriage was sick and disgusting. i dont write it on the calendar or anything. this may 29 would have been our 32 anniversary.

we have decided - that when we come out the other side of doing all the MB work- and are hopefully in love again- we will remarry and THAT day will be our anniversary. we will ,G-d willing -have new rings too.

EVERY detail in my life must be different. i must create a new future and i dont want reminders of hte past.

my H always made a BIG deal about mother's day- home-made bkfst, with the kids, posters, cards, gift, etc.

now i know he was cheating on me while doing all that BS.
so i POJAd wiht him about mother's dya this year.

i asked that he do NOTHING the same- NO gifts, NO bkfst, NO cards from him. I wanted a dinner in a restaurant with the kids and cards only from them.

this did nto work out as i planned. when i said that- he had already made up his mind to "surprise" me with some gifts he had in mind. i sincerely asked him NOT to get me gifts. he made a mistake- (admittedly now by him) and involved one of our sons - to take him to buy the gifst with him.

i was upset and called kim. kim did discuss with him and he admitted to not following the poja. he offered to return the gifts, but as now my son was involved- i didnt want to upset my son- so i agreed that the kids could give me the gifst this year- and this would be the LAST year i wanted gifts for mother's day.

but he agreed to no bkfs, no cards from him and no BIG FAKE SHOW. i think it would make me throw up.

also- i know i will find it hard to open the gifts and be pleasant , but i'll try my best.

anwyway - i didnt mean to go on- but we are in a much better place.

i finally got the idea of telling him about my hurt instead of showing him my anger. and now he wants to poja.

give yourself the time you need to heal. you will get there too. read alot. take care of yourself. learn something new. meditiate. take a jacuzzi, anything.

your's and my worlds have been destoyed - but that is GOOD!!! they needed to be blown up with a bomb!!!!!

you CAN do this!!!!

(((((((((SSS)))))))))))

sf

All three girls are doing exactly what they need to recover. There is nothing more normal in the world than that.

Allow yourself to see the world as girl 1, girl 2 and girl 3.

There is no litmus test for the type of severe emotional trauma you have been describing. (I see you have been doubting your recovery/reactions to traumas)

Hi sunflower.

Why is this so hard? I can hardly type through the tears and I don't know why. I know this weekend will be hard but why all the tears again? Dday #1 was just over 7 months ago and I can not seem to stop crying this morning. I know you get it because it is so similar. Thank you.


That contempt was so deep and so pervasive that I felt it through every breath I took for all that time. I see now that part of my coping was simply because I was devastated on a daily basis. I don't think the man ever called me just to talk and he never sat with me just to talk, not once. The 8 months that I lived in a tiny room off my barn to finish the construction of our home (our new start he said but I had to do all the work) he never once called me or visited me unless I begged him to come check the results of what I was doing and then he complained about having to drive 10 minutes to do so. I think it had much to do with me, plus our new start was just to keep me out of his life while he was in love with her. When I came home he never even looked at me, just mumbled and then got mad because I was not living there. I guess he could not boost his ego when I was not there to ignore. It was his problem but it was because he created a vision of me that he could use and at some point I became that person from time to time.

I can't respond more now, too much to think about and answer. I will get back when I calm down a bit and seriously consider what you have said. Thank you so much. ((hug))

barbiecat thank you. Yes I am doubting everything, even my own existence and the worthiness of myself as a human. Do I even need to be? Oh god the self pity, I want this all to end I just do not know how to do it. All I can see is that it will not end no matter what I do, it will be there for the rest of my life no matter what choice I make. Even happiness will not change this pain.

Yep !


He's being an abusive jerk because you're taking too long to process decades of his abuse.

I love being thrown into the large pool of people who are causing YOU pain and resentment!



Enough about him.

I'll share my story. For your perspective ....

Our anniversary is May 16. The first time this rolled around the calendar my H took it upon himself to arrange for a "romantic get away". How nice, right?

Catalina Island ONE of the cutest spots around *link*

The "main drag" is right on the beach and it is basically a pedestrian walkway crowded with cute shops, eateries, and quaint hotels.

Our room was adorable and faced the beach. It had a little balcony on which we could sit and enjoy the view and people watch. A big giant California King bed. A bathroom to die for including a ginormous tub.

Well, the second day we were there I could barely tolerate H. He went to all this effort to please me and my mind could not let go of the FACT that he had been in equally cute romantic spots with OW many many times. Their major criteria for picking a hotel was it needed to have a huge tub or spa where they could both get naked and soak together.I became morose, pouty, and then, finally,I became .... Everything we did I'd "see" H and OW doing the exact same things ....

I strongly urge you NOT TO BE GUILTED into any of this sort of premature "celebration" before you are damn well ready. Steve's advice might go down like slippery shrimp in a year or two, but this year would probably taste so bitter you can't believe it.

NOW, I have no problem with romantic get-aways or soaking tubs (BRING IT ON) ... but it took a few years for me to be fully receptive to his efforts.

Thank you Pepper, as always.

He keeps talking about stuff like your anniversary trip and my reaction is exactly what yours were.

I hope he looks at my thread. I won't show him but your little message about what he can do is cracking me up. He would NOT appreciate that (oh so sad).

Abuse, that is the word I could not think of when he said that. All I could think of was that he was manipulating me once again and all he could do was tell me his "honest feelings" and I did not appreciate it.

I think I will go plant some more of my garden. THIS YEAR he will not be taking the fruits and vegetables of my sweat and worry to feed his tacky little whore. I am going to write down every little baby and if one goes missing he just might lose a finger.........

and I did all this myself, WITHOUT any MB forum "causing" my anger or resentment ... it was all H's doing. No forum to blame ... poor man, my H.

Yeah, poor guy! Just think how bad it would have been if you had been wallowing around these forums feeding your grief and upset for 7 MONTHS! Well you might have torn the poor man asunder! He might never have recovered! He might still be feeling bad! Boy it is sure a good thing you did not have MB forums or he might never have gotten over what he did to you, you mean thing you.

LOL.

Edit to add: That looks like a pretty cute place to get mad in! Thanks for the link.

SSS-
Explain to GM that you cant go on any anniversary trip until you POJA about it. he needs to HEAR and acknowledge your feelings.
Explain your pain - and then brainstorm to come up with something that you and he would both love to do.
remember - MUTUAL ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT.

this can change everything.

sf

Right ! It seems improbable anyone could be in a bad mood on Catalina, yanno

A few years later, H arranged THIS place for our anniversary ... and trust me, I was in a SPLENDERIFUS mood the entire time

another link***

It's the hotel where SOME LIKE IT HOT was filmed.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yummy place

Not this year, nope there will be no POJA on this anniversary. I am not even there yet and the very thought of tomorrow makes me start to shake and cry. Nope. Whatever he wants to do he can surely find someone else in his long long list of OW's to do it with. I will not be put through anymore of this so he can feel like a good guy. I am tired of it, it is killing me. I have to heal first before I can do this anymore. I see I tried like the trooper I am (oh Pepperband you so pegged me) and all it has gotten me is to the point where it still hurts, possibly more than it did at first plus feeling like a failure because I can't "get over it". Nope, no POJA this year. I do not even want to hear the word anniversary. Mother's Day is going to be worse I am afraid but there is no reason my son's and I should not be together for that.

Ahh the Coronado! Is it as lovely inside as it is outside? What a nice thing for him to do.

Hey, wait a sec, isn't the Coronado the place Lil Bush played at playing the guitar when New Orleans was under water? Still, a really cool place. I will have to think of it as the place Pepperband and her H were happy and the place where Some Like It Hot was filmed. I so miss Jack Lemmon. He was cute as Daphne! Great legs!

SSS-
you are NOT a FAILURE! you are suffering!!
stop judging yourself so harshly.

you are an amazing woman - who remained strong through years of abuse and neglect by GM.

you are an amazing woman - who when confonted with his affairs, chose to stay and work it out with him - instead of running away.

you are an amazing woman - who is learning and growing everyday.

stop beating yourself up!!!!!!

just think - would you beat up on a friend- as badly as you beat up on yourself????????????

REWRITE your anniversary- do SOMETHING - your favorite thing - and dont think of it as an anniversary. spend time with a friend or relative you havent seen- or one of your sons.

dont plan to be upset - then you will!!!

plan to DO something.

i find that action can always take me out of a pity party.

GM is who he is.
you need to find SSS.

where is she???

she is not this angry, bitter woman who wants to suffer.

she is there hiding- go get her and bring her out.

sf

Thanks sunflower.


No idea. Right now I am l sitting here while GM tries to tell me what I am doing wrong. He is a changed man and it is not fair for me to feel this bad and accuse him because "now he is committed to be honest". He wants to forget all the past, he thinks he has been led to believe that it is OK to close the book on what he did. Somehow I am "just not getting it" or I am being "cruel". I can't deal with this anymore. I simply am done enough that I am willing to take the blame if it just makes it stop.

(((sss)))
Man, I feel your pain.

GM isn't going to be able to "fix" this turn of the roller coaster for you. You aren't going to be able to "fix" it either. I think it is just going to have to be endured.

Thanks for reaching out in kindness to so many in t he midst of your own suffering.