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Monc Offline OP
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The OM1 is 20.

OM2 is probably just OM1 being redefined to the world.

Last edited by Monc; 05/08/09 02:21 PM.

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Originally Posted by Monc
That is something I am afraid of...am I fighting a truly lost battle?
What exactly do you think you're fighting for? You're not taking her back, you have no assets, what the heck do you need a jury trial for?

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Monc Offline OP
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It was the only way to push the date for divorce back. The case for the jury trial is to prove adultery essentially besides that.


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And what benefit does proving adultery give you?

A lot is going to be said about you too in front of that jury.

Yes IMO you have been fighting a losing battle for a very long time.

Divorce or no divorce - you are the one truly losing here.

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Originally Posted by Monc
It was the only way to push the date for divorce back. The case for the jury trial is to prove adultery essentially besides that.

Your lawyer should be able to present a strong enough case to the judge to prove adultery.

Do you just want that to come out or there a lot of assets to be divided?

Was it your idea?

Charlotte

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Monc,

I told you the other night that I didn't think that your wife would wake up and defog before the divorce was final no matter when that date is. I still stand by that opinion.

You aren't going to stop the divorce at this point by any legal means. You guys have almost nothing that needs to be distributed in a break-up.

Do I think that someday she will regret her actions and maybe even wish she could come back to you? Absolutely! The problem is that by then she may have married someone else already (OM1, 2, 3, 27, 49...whatever)

I know you want her and still love her and I know you are willing to wait for her to defog, but that should not be at the expense of being able to reach some sort of healing for yourself. You can just let her go, Monc and still wait to see if she wakes up within a year or so. Divorcing doesn't have to mean that you are not willing to take her back if she ever does become a rational member of society again. You stop waiting when you are done and not before, but I don't think you are going to win this battle and you might need to begin thinking about disengaging from the battle entirely if you want to survive to fight another day down the road.

If you fight this to the bitter end, spend weeks fighting in court over ending the marriage and waste thousands of dollars to do it, by the time the divorce is final you will hate her so much that you will never even consider taking her back. Now if THAT is your goal, to fall out of love with her completely so that you can start shopping for your next wife right away, then the way you are headed is probably the best route to take.

But if your goal is to remain in Plan B waiting mode for some period of time before moving on with your life and giving up on her, the way you are going about it probably won't accomplish that goal for you because by the time she does defog and seek reconciliation with you, you will have NOTHING left to give to the effort. THIS is the REASON for Plan B to begin with. It SAVES your love for her IN CASE she turns around.

You also should realize that the more difficult you make her life right now the more resentment you will have to overcome from her if the affair burns out and she starts to miss you. At this point you aren't going to stop the divorce, she has already ended her relationship with you as faar as she is concerned and given that you have no children together and no real marital assets, you can quickly and without a lot of further grief get to the end of the divorce and begin to let your own feelings recover.

I am NOT saying you have to give up. She is no longer fighting and is simply taking every punch you throw at this point but she refuses to "tap out." The best you can accomplish now is to continue to injure her some more. Let her last thoughts of you be that you let her go because you loved her rather than that you made her life hell in order to prove a point. Since she is unable to fight back at this point, just stop hitting her. Nobody is going to stop the fight, she isn't unconscious but will never surrender. Right now it is your pummeling that is keeping her pinned to the side of the cage that is keeping her from falling down. Let her fall...

Will she come back to you? Not any time soon.
You now have to save enough to fight on in case she does...

Who is OM1, 2, 3, 27 or 49 no longer matters...

The fight is no longer about saving your marriage. It is now about being declared the winner. Just walk away...

You did all that you could have done.

JMO


Yeah; it sucks...

Mark

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I still don't understand what you are trying to 'win' in your side of the divorce, doing it the way you are. What is it? To stop the divorce? Make the jury tell her to take you back and stop screwing other guys? Give you money she doesn't have? I really don't understand what you're thinking.

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Monc Offline OP
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It was my idea. I asked how the date could be put off. One was to ask for an extension, which gives a couple more weeks and that's it. The other was going to jury which extends it several more months out to wait for a date.

No real assets to be divided. Simply that I'm wanting to also create a situation of consequences for her actions too.


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Quote
Simply that I'm wanting to also create a situation of consequences for her actions too.


Stop trying to control that which you cannot. Why not try pushing spaghetti? You'll get better results.

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Monc Offline OP
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Thanks Mark. I keep coming back to reread your post to reaffirm the clarity it gives me. It's the hardest thing in the world to...let go when your heart is so firmly attached.


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Monc, do me a favor. Go back to the beginning of your thread, and reread the things that you have told us she has done. Maybe that will give you the clarity to realize what she has done to you.

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Monc Offline OP
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I did actually today.

Let me ask you this then. You went through this, you wanted to save your marriage too even though you were hurt right?



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Actually, I didn't go through this. My H will not cheat.

But I know psychology and human nature. I know what happens when people are put in certain situations. When they have undergone XYZ in childhood, what they will do in adulthood. I offer that, only.

Bottom line is, if a person is a Taker, and never has to suffer consequences, they will spend their entire life hurting people, leaving them in their wake, if the Givers keep on giving without saying ENOUGH!

It is YOU who has to say enough. She has to see what she is losing. Laying out a divorce over months means nothing to her. Walking away from her with your head held high does.

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Monc Offline OP
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"My H will not cheat."

Because you follow MB principles? I'm swallowing those words myself.

Catperson, was it you? Or are you just the lucky damn person to have found MB before it could happen?


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Monc, I'm cutting my own throat by saying this, but I've spent the last 20 years wishing my H would give me a reason like that to leave him because I'm afraid I never really loved him, and I wished he would leave and find someone who did. I married him because I was 'supposed to' - part of my generation's belief that if you didn't get married you were defective.

And the marriage was dysfunctional enough, and I had such low self-worth, that I spent much of my 30-year marriage wishing I wasn't married and hating myself for not having the guts to tell him.

I have to tell you I didn't treat him that well. I've always been selfish, willing to let him do for me while I didn't want to do for him (but I did, for fear of his anger). But he stuck through it all. He (as far as I know) tells me everything - every woman who talks to him, hits on him, the hookers in China and Thailand who try to get him to use them...all of it.

Because he considers me his best (and only) friend, and that's what friends are for, right? Who else would he tell? He decided he wanted to marry me while I was still engaged to someone else, and he just decided to wait for me. That's the kind of relationship we have. He just never realized that I wasn't reciprocating, that I never talked, about anything (he filled up the time on his own, lol).

So, it's my instinct to say what I did.

Of course, I don't truly believe that 100%. I just think that, if he were going to do it, it would have been earlier, when I was just surviving the marriage and really not giving him anything he needed.

Now that I'm at MB, I've found the reasons I used to like him, and coming to the point where I feel like I can appreciate him and even want him. I'm working on that.

So that's my story. I'm sorry if it offended you. Or anyone else. I knew as soon as I said it, I probably shouldn't have. I even came back here to delete it if you hadn't read it. But since you have, I'll take my lumps for being so insensitive.

ETA: I keep thinking about this, and realizing how insensitive it sounds to all you BSs, and I never meant that. I only explained my situation to help Monc. But the way I've felt about my H is really just a sign of my depression and desperation: I wanted out so badly and hated myself so much for being too chicken to say so, that I wanted HIM to be the bad guy so I could live with myself. And our marriage was miserable enough that I literally daydreamed about being alone, no matter how it happened. I know I'll go to hell for thinking that, but it is what it is. frown

Last edited by catperson; 05/11/09 06:31 AM.
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Monc Offline OP
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It's honest, which for me is enough. You're learning to be a giver for someone who gives. There was actually no offense taken by me, although severe jelousy was present when I read it.

Thing is, I'm like your husband. My wife didn't tell me she was unhappy, and wouldn't spend the time with me the way I wanted and eventually I filled it for myself. Then she turned it around and thought "I" was choosing to not spend time with her when it became a habit for the both of us.

If there was no affair to prompt looking for MB, how did you ever come to find this resource?



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lol, I used to post at another place, a TV place, and I used to moan and groan about my awful husband so much that someone there who posts here recommended I come here. I think they all got together and decided to do an intervention.

I learned here, that the worst thing I could do is NOT tell him what I felt. In fact, LA told me that I was actually being abusive to HIM by not telling him how I felt, by not giving him the information he needed to decide if he would change or not before it was too late, while all along I was safe and secure in calling HIM abusive. I had a longtime plan to leave him when D18 leaves for college. Now, I don't know. I see glimmers of the old guy I married sometimes now, since I have learned to be more honest. Now that he knows I may leave.

But it took me 1 1/2 years of coming here to get the courage to tell him. I still haven't told him everything, like the marriage of convenience part, don't know if I ever will. I have severe walls in place from childhood crap, and I think that would be more hurtful than all. Maybe someday I'll have enough faith in 'us' to be completely O&H; who knows?

Anyway, if I was paying more attention, I should have said 'I doubt my H will cheat' because who really knows? I didn't mean to sound smug or anything.

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Monc Offline OP
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The Jury trial decision was taken out of my hands thankfully and sadly. She is willing to accept Adultery on the divorce decree.

There is no option to push the date back although it will save me money so I should be thankful.

Extension put the date to early July now.

How do you not collapse in the middle of this? I was calming my mind as time went on and now that there is a date set for court I'm a whirlwind of thinking about her. I miss her, want her. That little bit of love that is left desperately screams at me that I need her.

And my comfort…lately has strangely been my dog.

My terrier likes to lay at my back now for some reason and it always reminds me of my wife. My way of pushing that out of my mind is to turn over and wrap my arms around my dog and burry my face in her fur. My dog has become such the comfort I never thought she could be…that there is something, almost a someone, who ecstatically greets me at the door, wants my attention as I do things in the home, and relies on me to feed, walk, and play with her. It surprises me that when I look over at her and her tail starts wagging I find it amazingly cheering.

That when I go to bed she is so predictable in jumping up with me flopping into me ready for her before, we got to sleep total scratching…which is something my wife and I did together before.


And I hate movies now…I’m scared to watch anything anymore because everything seems to include a spouse in danger, an affair, a death…and they all trigger me.


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Monc Offline OP
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hehe, Catperson your tone went from the previous "certain I know what I'm telling you" to "apologetically concerned."

Thanks.

From me...tell him the truth. My #1 EN is O&H.


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Tell him I never really wanted to marry him? Wow, I don't know...

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