YES, FoxinSox there is MAJOR urgency for honesty for your WIFE...You are treating her like she is your PET...She has every right to this vital information about HER LIFE...You are robbing her of her choices, and it's despicable...

Do yourself and the rest of us a favor and knock off the lovesick teenage poems...Your adultery is NOT one bit romantic...It is sick, twisted and wrong...You have dishonored yourself and your family...

What is your goal here on MB? Do you want to change? I suggest starting your own thread...

Mrs. W

I know that I have behaved despicably, I am ashamed of myself.

But I am not ready to explain yet, too much going on in my head.

I shall return to lurking for a while. Just got tempted by the discussion about doctors.

If I wasn't interested in fixing things I wouldn't be here.

bob, you not being in the medical field had NOTHING to do with WH's A. Period. Don't blame yourself for that.



I'm not a Dr. nor am I married to one.
I have worked with students/residents/specialists/consultants in the medical field for the most part of 25yrs. in a critical care setting, as an RN.
I've seen the 'God am I' complex that my revelation mentioned and the Dr.s that I knew of having A's, had this attitude.
The A's that I remember were with RN's or other similar support people.
IMO, boundaries need to be tighter when working in specialty areas. You work so closely with each other, all hours of the night, and deal with horrific human tragedies.
One thing that sticks out in my mind about that one type of attitude is that they didn't talk much about their spouse or family, almost like they didn't exist.
The other Dr.s who were not of that attitude which was most of them btw, did speak of their spouse and family in a caring way.

Fox,

If you are waiting for some magic feeling to overtake you, you may as well give up now...That won't happen...Feelings follow actions...Do the right thing, we will help guide you through it...No one ever regrets doing the right thing...

Mrs. W

And Fox, the longer you wait, the more you compound the crime...Everyday that you don't tell your wife is a day that she will know that her life was a LIE...You shatter her a little more every single second that you keep this dirty secret...That is CRUEL, Fox...Doesn't the mother of your children deserve more than this?

Mrs. W

Fox, did you notice that Mrs. W is a former wayward wife and she explains this to a tee.
As a betrayed wife, I can tell you that it is in your best interest to tell her yourself before she finds out on her own. This is much, much more horrific than it already will be.
Man up and start a thread!

Point taken. I shall plan my confession. Women are tougher than men on emotional infidelity it seems. I shouldn't expect much sympathy from those on the receiving end.

Sorry to have hijacked bobs thread. Doctors are a bit megalomaniac this way.

Fox...

Stick around, start a thread AND make sure you send your wife here when you tell her, she is going to need the support...

By the way, it's often said around here that "adultery is an equal opportunity destroyer", men take it just as hard as women, so you are wrong there...And of course you shouldn't expect "sympathy", you are the NOT the victim, but rather the PERP...Sympathy is reserved for the victims, rightfully so, yes?

Also, should your wife decide to try and recover with you, click on both the Coaching Center and MB Online Seminar links at the top of the page...Those are both fabulous resources to help the two of you through the process in the correct manner...Marital recovery is a very narrow path, guidance from experts like the Harleys would be best...

When will you be telling her, Fox?

Mrs. W

Fox,

While you are 'planning' your confession, start a thread of your own. Copy and paste your story.
Unless you have read on other threads how to go about this, the board can guide you and your BW through this.
And I wouldn't assume that women are tougher with infidelity, men are crushed too, you just haven't been on the receiving end.
You won't get sympathy, but you will get the truth about your thinking and your actions.
You are kidding yourself, you are putting off for tomorrow what you need to do today.

START a thread, get a PLAN, fix your thinking, heal your BW and repair your M.

Thnx V for what you said. Funny my WH is a pulmonary and cc doc. He met his ow during a research project and yes their "friendship escalated at the ATS conference last year. How sweet for them their one year anniversary is coming up. BARF!

Fox,
It is brutal but honest here, but worth it. I am glad I flushed you out so to speak with this thread so don't worry about the TJ. We helped each other. Good luck to you I sincerely you hope you can figure things out and make it right again for you and your family.

I told my friend who was having marital probs- no op, just probs- that you married your wife for a reason and life gets complicated and messy but those reasons are still buried in there. Dig deep, remember what those reasons where and focus on those things. Too often, imho, we let life (job stress, commutes, bills, etc.) get in the way of our own happiness at home and try to seek quick fixes (divorce) or immediate gratification (affairs).

You chose your wife to be your partner for life, to have a family with, to grow old with. You both deserve to be the best partner you can for each other.

I am surprised it hasn't been mentioned here yet....but anyone remember momto3boys and dadto3boys....

Dad was a doctor who had an affair with a nurse....ow even got pregnant and had oc....

Mom and dad were both members here and even ended up on Dr. Phil. Last I heard dad went back to OW. Anyone heard from mom at all?

The story tho is something to read...you can get some info on the mind of a wayward Dr from it if interested.

Thanks will do.

Hey, BOB (any thoughts about changing that "handle" yet?")

Certainly Dr's. are a target for A's. They have HUGE egos, lots of time away from home, work long hours, and have money - and get admired (at first glace, at least) by one and all.

OM and OW are wonderful at meeting temporary emotional needs, they can make themselves very available for time, and they seem to like money.

Formula for disaster, IMHO

Mrs. W,

I said PRECISELY those things to my WW at the time...word for word and over and over. She stubbornly and belligerently refused to acknowledge their truth and validity ("You just read that stuff in a book, you are just saying that to get me to do what you want!").

Boy, your words were a bolt from the blue and a blast from the past for me...

I still say these people need to be reminded that they have flatulence and halitosis like everyone else. They're not gods...they are just highly specialized mechanics.

It's like with any profession, a few can give the whole lot a bad wrap.
Every job is needed, just think where we'd be if no one emptied septic tanks.

I think that doctors are unfortunately prime people to have affairs and to have spouses who have affairs. I think that doctors are probably % proportionately more involved in this than people of similar background who are not doctors.

As an attending trauma and critical care surgeon many years removed from chief residency, I still very easily work 70 hour weeks. The intimacy that is shared with work colleagues (opposite sex) can easily be a lead in for an affair. I never got caught up in it, but I have seen many a good intentioned colleague slip that slippery slope. First, its's the bonding over being in the OR at 3 am on a Sunday morning....then it's a shared coffee...then it's a text message....before you know it....a full blown affair is born.

I think as a doctor it is very easy to get caught up in the "healer" complex. Depending on the situation, one can be perceived as this higher than God-like person, and soon one starts believing it.

I was in the end a casualty to an affair...My XWW had the affair. It took a long time and me getting help to heal myself before I accepted my part in allowing this situation to come to fruition. I am a workaholic. I chose to marry my profession, I chose to never say "no" to an extra surgical call or backing up a colleague and I paid a heavy price for this. Years later I am in the game again...trying to learn from the heartbreak of the past. As a doctor, it is hard FOR ME to be find the right balance. I love my job and I love my patients...it's sometimes very hard to STOP doing that so I can do the same for my wife and child. I struggle with this today...as I feel alot of doctors do. I will NOT relive history, so it is incumbent on me to prevent it from repeating itself. It is quite distressing to see how many affairs take place in a hospital. Those of you who are doctors or doctors spouses know what I am talking about. The lifestyle is a breeding ground for an affair....I wish it weren't the case, but it is. that's sad.

LM

This post above is SO TRUE that I cringe just reading it.

LM

Hey, Sour Guy!!!! Good to see you!!! How about an update?

Hugs,

BB