8 years ago, I knew my marriage was evaporating. I had just had our third child and my hubby stopped wanting to give me affection or have sex with me.

He has many problems and I hoped those problems were the cause if there had to be one.

Shortly after I started reading this site and my H told me about a co worker he was 'walking' with. I told him that it was asking for trouble and yet.....with time....I discovered they were in at least an EA.

I believed the affair to have ended since there was no noticable evidence of it (he hid it so stinking well).

I stopped posting here during a site upgrade which made it difficult to log in. I kept reading posts and studying the site over the years though.

Guess what? A couple days ago...I found evidence that the affair was still happening after 8 years and it was physical.
H and his OW have been doing things together (dates, sex, watching tv at her apartment) all these years. She is from India and they are no longer coworkers but still lovers.

She has bided her time to get him to leave me and he tells her that he is waiting for our youngest to be 18 (ten years from now).

The marriage builder student in me is ready to fight for this family. Fight for this marriage to transcend this very crappy few years and blossom.

He knows I know much of it. He is protective of his lover but has not left. I am trying to not love bust but to instead start with the carrot and stick of plan A.

I have exposed the affair to my family, his sisters and closest cousin, his best friend and a one time best friend who worked with H and OW in the past. My parents, brother and two oldest children know.I have told them all that the affair has gone on for 8 years, I love my H. I hope that my marriage is victorious.

It is very tempting to dump the rat but I can always resort to that. I am still in love with him or who I thought him once to be.

Last weekend, I invited him on a family outing to hike, have lunch at a restaurant and to watch Yes Man with 18 year old and me. It was a nice day.

Last night, he told me he was at a bar to get a bit plastered and listen to music and I drove there (to see if he was really there) and he was and I stayed to listen to music with him.

His most important needs I have not met are for
conversation
recreational companionship (music is his greatest love)

I don't meet his sexual need because he has his OW do that. He will not have sex with me at all. I thought he was depressed and had ED the past 8 years. I now know he just can't have sex with two women at once. Guess he has scrupples?!

I am hoping to lure him back to our relationship and be his sexual partner again.

There is much more but I am so grateful to have figured out how to log in and will leave it at this for now.

Phew

You need to contact OW family. As an Indian, she will be rejected in her own family situation. I presume you mean Asian Indian and not West Indian.

Hubby needs to know that you are not happy with the situation. Do you attend a Church?

I am going to try to figure out where the mother is in India and how to contact her. I think it'll be a challenge. I will do my best.

I do think I have tracked down her ex or estranged husband's phone number and he may be able to give me the correct number to call or to tell his ex MIL himself. He was supposedly a wife beater but I am not sure that I believe it and she did supposedly break up with him in hopes of marrying my H.

We don't attend church.

I am agnostic and H is a secular jew.

Is she married ? Do you know her name ?


edit : I read your second post. Yes contact her ex and get all the phone numbers. You know India is ahead by about 10 hours, right ?

Thank you for telling me about the time difference.

I do dread calling the H though I know I must. I dread it since one of my love busters in the relationship has been me being a 'nosy [censored]'(funny since my biggest love buster with him is his secretiveness and H is very protective of his OW and so on.

I know it needs to be done though.

I have laryngytis now and can't talk on the phone. I am going to wait til it clears to call the H/exH (whatever he is). I can barely whisper right now.

I am Plan Aing up the wazoo though. I sent H to work with a CD of Beatle songs that I told him were very spot on for us right now. The man loves music more than he loves most things. I am keeping the house clean. I am looking as pretty as currently possible. I made an appointment to get my teeth whitened next week (they are dingy naturally). I am also tending to my own spirit and doing things I put off doing while I was in my own fog. Things I want to accomplish whether the marriage exists or not.

I do have trouble and always have thinking of things to say on the phone to H. He and OW talk for hours. I need some helpful hints on this. Help.
I often say "How is work? What did you eat for lunch? I love you. Talk to you later." (really sucky)

reading, first of all, you must contact the ex asap. Can you meet him in person and get all the information ?

Your husband still has contact with OW ?

About talking to your husband...My wife and I both were like you. I have changed a lot since my wife's affair ended 7 months ago. (for a minute, after reading your post, i thought it was your husband who was sleeping with my wife!).

I thought opening up came naturally to women...sorry dont mean to generalize. If you cannot talk to him about other things (than facts) then can you write it down ? You seemed to do a fantastic job posting here. And then when you and your husband sit down and talk, can you read it off ? (hopefully you would still be looking him in the eye for most part and only reference your notes when needed).

I was reading a book on different levels of conversation that a couple indulges in. Most stop at, what is called, sharing the facts level. You need to take it to the next level. Share your emotions, fears, dreams, ask for opinions - all ofcourse without love busting.

What are the plusses to meeting the ex H in person vs the phone?

Make sure you recognize that this is him being passive aggressive, 'training' you to back off. You have every right to be nosy in your own marriage; don't let him guilt you out of that. YOU deserve to be mad at HIM, not the other way around. Stay mad!

What did you talk about when you were dating? Try to get to that level. Go to Yahoo and read up on today's current events; start discussions about them. Read a book and tell him about it. Talk about vacation destinations you can go to together. Give him a taste of good times he could have with you.

Music.

He has lots of passionate interests but I have seen that this is his top one. He loves music and he plays the guitar.
It originally brought us together in college and now, I am trying to really re-connect that way.
I sing. I play various instruments and in my own fog of raising kids.....put it on the back burner. We have been together for 24 years. Our oldest is almost 19. I have been in my own fog I can see. Not meeting his emotional needs.
Conversation
Recreation

As a really important factor....my H has OCD and views me as contaminated. He, of course, is filled with guilt over his relationship with OW but this may be one of our biggest stumbling blocks to reconsiliation. Before his aversion to me, I think I met his sexual need.
It doesn't help that his OW is from India though (think kama sutra). Ugh. Sigh.

Pros to us
family with three children (8,16,18)
I meet a variety of his needs still. I pay bills, keep the house running, care for our kids, do many things.
I am really attractive physically
I am unique in many ways personality wise (for mostly good though obviously some bad and I need to work on this).

I made an appointment with an individual therapist for a couple weeks from now. She is also a family and marriage therapist. I am going to do a lot of reflection pre this appointment.
I am hoping to sort things out better with the therapy.

I almost took a long weekend away for H to spend in the house caring for the brood but I decided not to right now. To stay and be with him and talk more and really let him see my feelings (I have tending to be stoic and took pride in it and he can see now that I do feel. Feel a lot.)

Well. I am still studying the MB concepts like crazy.I am still trying to meet his needs that I was not meeting.

Google "conversation starters"
You'll have TONS of ideas.

Moving over to General Questions at this link

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=157411&Number=2262444#Post2262444