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Monc Offline OP
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Please check this out and let me know if you have something better in terms of making this clearer and impacting. I'm sending this on Harley's advice.

Keep in mind the OM's mother is vicious and barely let me speak to her when I first called her. She denied knowing who my wife was even though I'm certain she did. It wasn't thirty minutes after calling her that my WS called me about it. Suposedly telling the OM's mother again will get him cut off financially and from her mother too.

So wish me luck!


Quote:


To OM's guardian,


I have nothing but the greatest respect for those who are my elders and who have more experience than me in life. I beg you my respected elder to hear me out because I am seeking your advice. Please read entirely, thank you.

I am BH, WS's husband. I love my wife and want to save my marriage. My wife WS and your son OM have continued their adulterous affair secretively despite my efforts to restore happiness to this marriage. Their relationship has advanced to such a state that we are separated and looking at divorce.

My marriage has suffered a traumatic blow that I am trying to recover it from. I can not remedy this on my own as my perspective is limited. I am widening my perspective by reaching out to those who can help me save my marriage.

I love my wife and am fighting for my wife and our marriage’s happiness. Any advice towards saving my marriage that you can offer is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for hearing me this far and for any advice you might be able to offer,

WW’s loving husband,

BH

P.S. I can back my claims but do not share it because I do not want to push it on you. If you find yourself willing to talk with me my contact information is below.

Phone: ***, E-Mail: , Address: Front of envelope.


BH me-26
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So you are still trying to stop your wife's affair?

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Monc Offline OP
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Hell yes.

I'm not giving up...it's never been in me to forfeit until I'm a corpse. I'm timid but not a quiter.

Edit: I mean it's obvious by the letter that I want to. So, your in disbelief I take it?

Last edited by Monc; 05/12/09 08:13 PM.

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Not to speak for CP but I myself am in disbelief. Your WW has made it clear that she has no interest in you or the marriage. You are young and have no children together, a fact for which you should be grateful. I think most here would advise you to chalk this up as a learning experience, file for D and move on.


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Conversly...

You are young...so you're really not wasting too much of your life and dating years by giving this marriage as much effort and chance at rehabilitation as you can.

I think you are fully aware it's a loooooonnnng shot. But as long as you are trying (and counseling with the Harley's)...I'll support such noble effort.

There are MANY couples that even divorce only to remarry years later. Your efforts are a overwhelming indication of your commitment to her and if and when the fog clears, she'll hopefully realize that and seek you out (hopefully not too late).

I'll tell you that my fight for my marriage was one of the most tangible demonstrations of my love for my wife. I'm a pretty stoic logical guy versus my emotive wife. Part of her wondered if I'd even care she was having an affair. She was mistaken.

Your wife is completely culpable for her behavior...but she is only 26. I'm not near the person I was at 26. I am grateful my worth at 42 isn't set in stone based upon the things I was doing at 26. She can reverse course, fix her life and become a valuable spouse. You must really love her...and THAT is a good thing.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - the letter is fine.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Monc Offline OP
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bitbucket,

And how many WS's claim to have no interest in the marriage? Most?


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Monc, to me the letter's heartfelt but comes across a bit flowery and is too wordy. You don't know the woman well and I'd keep it short and to the point.

My comments in italics, additions in bold.


To OM's guardian,
Dear ________,

I have nothing but the greatest respect for those who are my elders and who have more experience than me in life. I beg you my respected elder to hear me out because I am seeking your advice. Please read entirely, thank you.

Seems like flattery, comes across as insincere. Unnecessary. Presumptuous to ask her to read to the end, and more so to thank her for reading to the end when she might not.

I am BH, WS's husband. I love my wife and want to save my marriage. My wife WS and your son OM have continued their adulterous affair in secret.secretively despite my efforts to restore happiness to this marriage.[you already said that]

[At this point, briefly say what you know about the ongoing affair, e.g. I have a photo of them kissing, or whatever.

No need to be cute and ask her to call you. She's a grownup and can handle the truth about her son / her charge [did you call her OM's guardian??] or whatever their relationship is.]


Their relationship has advanced to such a state that We are now separated and looking at divorce.

My marriage has suffered a traumatic blow that I am trying to recover it from. I can not remedy this on my own as my perspective is limited. I am widening my perspective by reaching out to those who can help me save my marriage.[repetitious]

I love my wife and am fighting for my wife and our marriage’s happiness. Any advice towards saving my marriage that you can offer is greatly appreciated.[repetitious]

Thank you for hearing me this far and for any advice you might be able to offer, [Get to the point! You don't really want her advice - she knows it and will think you're trying to flatter her. You want her to bring pressure to end the affair so just say it.
"I am asking you to talk to POSOM and help to end this affair."


WW’s loving husband,

BH

P.S. I can back my claims but do not share it because I do not want to push it on you. If you find yourself willing to talk with me my contact information is below. The fact that you put your phone number and email address on the envelope tells her this already.

Phone: ***, E-Mail: , Address: Front of envelope.

Last edited by 5outof6aintbad; 05/13/09 01:41 AM.

Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
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Monc Offline OP
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"I am asking you to talk to POSOM and help to end this affair."

Is that more like telling? I'm afraid of putting up barriers. I told her father entirely the wrong way. My exposure to him and his wife was...explaining. I didn't understand that I needed to do things a certain way.

And your changes make absolute sense...also I realized now that she is abrupt and serious...she won't have any patience to read it all if it's too long.

Quote:
Dear OM's mother,

I am BH, WS's husband. I love my wife and want to save my marriage. My wife WS and your son OM have continued their adulterous affair in secret.

I have e-mail and other identifying records of their communications.

We are now separated and looking at divorce.

I am asking you to talk to POSOM and help to end this affair.

Everywhere on the forums when it comes to exposure methods, doesn't it always say, don't ask them to talk to the WS or the OM? Is protocol different for the OM?

WW’s loving husband,

BH


Phone: ***, E-Mail: , Address: Front of envelope.


BH me-26
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Quote:
Is that more like telling?


That would be "I am telling you to talk to..." smile

You could soften it a bit, "Please, talk to POSOM. Help me end this affair."

I like that.


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
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Originally Posted By: Monc
bitbucket,

And how many WS's claim to have no interest in the marriage? Most?


That may be ... but I've NEVER seen one that would "rather drink bleach to kill themselves, than to remain M'd to you" (paraphrasing from her letter to you).

Seriously, it was suggested in your other thread that you were losing it and needed to seek professional help. I CONCUR!!!

What you are doing is not sensible or rational ... its masochistic.

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Monc, you are so young! There are so very many women out there who would make wonderful wives! My D18 says she's not even looking for a guy until she gets out of college when she'll be about 28. Please don't tell yourself that she is the only key to happiness for you.

I really wish you were spending some time in counseling, reflection, reading, improving other areas of your life, completing yourself - before worrying about whether you have a mate. Once you do this, you will be more attractive, and she just may realize what she's lost and come back. But if you get back together now, well it's not going to be any better than it was before, because neither of you has done any work on yourselves to learn and grow.

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Originally Posted By: catperson
Monc, you are so young! There are so very many women out there who would make wonderful wives! My D18 says she's not even looking for a guy until she gets out of college when she'll be about 28. Please don't tell yourself that she is the only key to happiness for you.

I really wish you were spending some time in counseling, reflection, reading, improving other areas of your life, completing yourself - before worrying about whether you have a mate. Once you do this, you will be more attractive, and she just may realize what she's lost and come back. But if you get back together now, well it's not going to be any better than it was before, because neither of you has done any work on yourselves to learn and grow.



Monc,
Cat has really helped me. Read what you're bing told. As a matter of fact, please read my thread.

I have followed your posts and I realize this is about building Marriages.....but you are not working on you...you will not gain personal recovery like this. Please read my thread and work on yourself. That alone will make a hugh difference in YOUR life....work on YOU!! and let her GO!!


Me 48 XWAW 42 M 18Y
D day 9/14/08
Plan A&B for months
One false R
DS12 (my life)
DD23
D Final 5-14-09

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Ditto Kickme and also, if you were able to step back and study MB from a position where you were not personally involved, you would see that the principals involved in recovering a marriage are really and truly the principals involved in recovering YOURSELF! Because a marriage that is broken cannot be fixed by a broken person. Fix youself first.

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Originally Posted By: Monc
And how many WS's claim to have no interest in the marriage? Most?


Most that I have seen at least feel some twinge of remorse, the feeling that what they're doing isn't right, the knowledge that their BS will badly hurt when they find out (or that their continued affair is causing a lot of pain to the BS).

They don't feel badly enough to stop what they're doing; instead they manage to bury these feelings under anger or entitlement or rationalize them away somehow. This sets up what Harley calls 'cognitive dissonance'. Some call it 'fog'. I prefer to call it 'doublethink' since I'm a fan of Orwell's 1984.

Reading your posts, I don't see any amount of remorse or regret from your WW.

Last edited by bitbucket; 05/13/09 07:40 AM.

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Originally Posted By: Tabby1
Ditto Kickme and also, if you were able to step back and study MB from a position where you were not personally involved, you would see that the principals involved in recovering a marriage are really and truly the principals involved in recovering YOURSELF! Because a marriage that is broken cannot be fixed by a broken person. Fix youself first.


I can't speak for Dr. Harley, but I would think that PERSONAL RECOVERY is the most important step in healing both yourself and your Marriage.

I read these "new" posts and ache with the BS, because I've been exactly where they are now. Where Monc is NOW! I want to scream out to them and say QUIT trying to change the WS and CHANGE yourself FIRST!!

Look at the threads....when a BS gets to the place of peace in their lives and have RECOVERED themselves.....thats when the WS looks around and starts asking the million dollar question......"What the heck have I done"?
If the BS has peace and healing has occured, then R is possible.

Look at the Spartan situation and it is clear to me that what I'm saying is so very, very, true.


Me 48 XWAW 42 M 18Y
D day 9/14/08
Plan A&B for months
One false R
DS12 (my life)
DD23
D Final 5-14-09

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Originally Posted By: MyRevelation
Originally Posted By: Monc
bitbucket,

And how many WS's claim to have no interest in the marriage? Most?


That may be ... but I've NEVER seen one that would "rather drink bleach to kill themselves, than to remain M'd to you" (paraphrasing from her letter to you).

Seriously, it was suggested in your other thread that you were losing it and needed to seek professional help. I CONCUR!!!

What you are doing is not sensible or rational ... its masochistic.


I concur...You're young, no kids, let it and her go!!! You are going to drive yourself crazy if you don't! DUDE

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Monc, let her go. If OM's mother is vicious as you say, she's not going to care and will probably laugh at your attempt to seek her assistance. If you want to send the letter send it with the revised non-flowery version but don't expect much. Personally I'd file for D and send OM's mom a brief letter about welcoming your unrepentant WW into the family and wish her good luck when WW craps on her son too.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Ok just to clear something up....Monc...did or did not DR. Harley advise you to write this letter to OM's mother?

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PLEASE LET THIS WOMAN GO OUT OF YOUR LIFE! SHE WANTS TO LEAVE YOU AND YOU CANNOT STOP HER OR MAKE THIS BETTER!

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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
PLEASE LET THIS WOMAN GO OUT OF YOUR LIFE! SHE WANTS TO LEAVE YOU AND YOU CANNOT STOP HER OR MAKE THIS BETTER!


funny!

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