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tarnsy Offline OP
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Hello all, thx for the support.

I'm not too bad, going thru this a 2nd time is not as bad as I had feared. In fact it seems that WH is taking it much worse than DD's or I am this time round. He has been to see his doc and has started on the anti-d's and apparently is starting CBT today.

My tasks for this week are to sort out financial help as my income is not going to suffice covering all the household bills and the job seeking is not going well. Then I need to find a solicitor to sort out putting the house in my name - WH has stated that he will not want any recompense - and start D proceedings. I don't want a D but I think it is the only way for me to move forward.

I'm finding that I am feeling more anger towards WH, you know, how could he do this a 2nd time, why does he want to read SAA now, why does he feel so sorry now, why couldn't he do that before? Just lots of questions that I don't have the answers to.

WH keeps emailing me. Lots of sorry's and telling me how bad he feels, how he can't sleep, keeps crying and wondering about the if's and whys. I think he would go back to the cake-eating if I allowed it.

So far I have managed to avoid seeing WH, I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will only "talk" via email and that I will not be his friend now or in the foreseeable future.

A couple of my real life friends have said that I seem more relaxed, happier even, now that WH has gone. My only explanation for this is that I had been waiting for this to happen and now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I still love WH puke but I have to love myself more, I deserve better and so do DD's.

When I feel myself begin to waiver I try to remember to tell myself the things that I don't have to put up with anymore, from the constant worrying if NC would be broken to the little stuff like not having to listen to his snoring. And the more I think about it the easier it is to come up with more things lol!

Even my subconscious is helping out. During WH's A I would have dreams of WH and I together having a good time, now if I dream about WH it is not a pleasant subject so I wake up feeling angry and resentful towards WH.

Oh and I told WH not to read my thread, he said he will abide by my wishes but I am wondering if I should start a new thread with a different user name anyway as we know not to trust anything a wayward says. That might be a good idea anyway as I am way past plan B now lol!

Tarnsy

PS Thx for stopping by Who, I hope your retirement is going well


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Hi girl,,

You sound good, considering. mad

I guess there must be a peace in that you now longer feel as thou the other shoe is going to drop. It's dropped.

Is DD14 taking things better? Does she still blame you?

And your other DD, how is she?

Sounds like you have a pretty busy week coming up. Is he helping you with any of it, or do you have to handle this all??

I am sure your emotions are going to take you on quite the rollar coaster ride, please vent here don't try to keep it all in,, we are here for you girl! Yes you deserve way more, you have done everything you could, you will make it!!!!!

F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Bump for Tarnsy

thinking of you,,,,


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Hi F-26 and all,

Nothing much going on just need to get some feelings out and maybe get some advice.

I am finding myself getting increasingly mad at WH. Not for any specific reason - well, apart from putting us in this sitch in the first place lol - but I can't bear the thought of having any kind of C with him, even the second hand kind via DD's makes me angry!

I have only seen him once since he left 3 weeks ago and that was on my b'day (the big 40 -argh!) when he dropped of a card for me - a card with "to my lovely wife" on the front, what the h3ll?!

Now he is making life difficult by being argumentative and refusing to aclnowledge that £20,000 of the mortgage on our home was taken out by him to start his business. I don't see why I should pay this part of the debt as he ran it into the ground when he was with OW and came back with a sh1tload of debt.

Until the last couple of days I had been receiving emails from WH, one day it would be "oh, I'm so sorry for all the hurt I've caused. I feel so bad..." and then the next it is "it's all your fault our M ended, OW had nothing to do with it". Typical fogspeak.

But why does it get to me so much? Should I plan B him even tho there is no hope for R? Even as I type it, I think it is the best thing to do, just so that he can't wind me up anymore than he already has. I am finally beginning to hate him and I hope that this stage will soon pass into indifference, then I will know I am truly over him.

Thx tarnsy


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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{{{tarnsy}}}

Plan B isn't for the R, it's for you and your sanity. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself and DDs.

Oh, and hire an accountant to go back through your books and put out a report showing how the money got used, before he has a chance to alter the books.

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Hugs (((Tarnsy)))

Yes I agree with cat, you need to do what is best for you and the DD's right now and if going dark to keep your sanity then do it.

I think what you are feeling is completely normal and completely understandable after everything you have been through. Please keep posting and getting your feelings out here, you can't keep all that hurt and anger locked inside.

f-26



Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
BUMP


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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tarnsy Offline OP
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As you know, I am in effect, plan B'ing WH. As such we are only communicating via email, apart from on my b'day and yesterday - when each sighting was less than 30 seconds, I have not seen WH.

Email contact is mostly WH contacting me to sort out the logistics of picking up DD's, financial stuff and to let me know how bad he is feeling.

I guess what I am asking is do you think I should extend the hand of friendship to WH as he is clearly struggling with the consequences of his actions.

To give you an idea of his state of mind here are a couple of examples of what I have received:

Thank you so much for lending me these pills, i can repay as soon as I get mine on friday. I was or am at my wits end as I seem to be going down hill in my head and not getting or feeling better at all. I just cry, simple as that. I am crying more now then ever before in my life.
Going to bed is still the worst part of my day, i wept like a baby last night. I know u dont want to listen to me, but I dont have no one else.
Sorry.


On another matter, Tarnsy, I am lost, so very lost. Its like being on a roller coaster. Last night I had my first rehearsal, which was great fun. I had well and truly forgot how much I enjoy that sort of thing. but today I am down. Very down. Not having nice thoughts, very dark and very disturbing. What can I do? How did you cope? I now know how you must have felt to some degree. A feeling of total hopelessness, dread and regret. It is consuming me. I went back to see DD15, I just missed DD9. All I could do was hug her. I kept my tears at bay. Hugging her made me feel a lot better. But now I am back at work I am down again.

Sorry.

Have you had a look at that Galaxy Zoo site yet? Typical, when I first saw it I thought, we would or could have done that together while I was home. See I am doing it again. Sorry.




I feel bad for him but it was his actions that led us here. Maybe he is reaching his rock bottom. I don't know if I should be there for him or not.

Thx guys

Last edited by tarnsy; 02/19/09 12:41 PM. Reason: forgot something

BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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You are in denial. You are not in plan B. All communications should be done using an intermediary. To filter out his nonsense.

I assume you told him that you need WH to end the affair and have NC with the OW before you will allow contact.

If WH has not met your conditions then get that IM in place to handle contact. WH must be retold what you need for direct contact. Then you can start a plan B until WH meets your need to end plan B.

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tarnsy Offline OP
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Thx TR, but I'm guessing you don't know the full story. I am plan B'ing WH for me, not to recover the M, not to end the A - that ended months ago and we have had a false R since then.

This is all about me, what I want. I have no hopes of R, too much time has elapsed, I have had my fingers burnt once too often. It is plan B until plan D.

I am just wondering out loud if WH is just feeling sorry for himself or if he is genuinely feeling remorse. Is he using the fact that he knows I will feel sorry for him and therefore want to help him feel better so that we end up as "friends" when I have told him that I do not want to be friends with him.

Thx


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
Hey girl,,, I hear what you are saying and I think it is both,, yes he is remorseful,, I think he is realizing that he destroyed everything that meant anything to him,, his family, his home and his business, it's all gone.

Yes he is feeling sorry for himself and I think that he wants you to tell him it's all going to be ok, You're going to be OK, the girls are going to be ok and he will be OK.

And of course you all will be OK,, but there will be scars.

What is your gut telling you to do? Since the girls are still fairly young you will still have to continue having contact and communications from him. But beyond that you owe him nothing, if you are done and want to move on then I feel you have to cut him loose, if communication isn't about the girls or money then you have nothing to say to him.

I know easier said then done, but girl you did so much to save this marriage and family you need to save Tarnsy now...

You are doing great!! One day at a time,,, One step at a time you will do this.


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
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Hi Tarnsy, good to see you posting again.

This is not Plan B. You know that.

This is Plan...
Tarnsy: Plan Enable, Plan Nicey-Nice, Plan Don't-Wanna-Be-MEAN
WH: Plan Manipulate, Plan Woe-Is-Me, Plan call my own shots, Plan Continue to Toy with Tarnsy's emotions!

He has not hit rock bottom. He has hit the Make Tarnsy Wonder, and Feel Sorry For ME button. That's all he's hit. You see that, don't you?

Go dark now, please. Do it for you & do it for the kids. You KNOW the drill, you know he doesn't take you seriously, you know he hasn't all along. Tarnsy: do YOU take you seriously? Once you do, then YOU can begin to recover.

I know how hard it is. But I also know how much harder and detrimental to our sanity NOT being completely dark is. Do it now!



LIFE IS GOOD
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He is manipulating you. As always, he gets his way by getting to your soft spots.

Which is why you are NOT supposed to be having any contact with him. Every email you take - or SEND!!!! - is delaying ANY resolution. Go dark and let him hit rock bottom so he can decide what to do. Don't keep doing this to your kids.

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tarnsy Offline OP
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Thx for the responses.

The consensus seems to be that WH is manipulating me into making him feel better and I have to say that I probably agree with you all.

The only thing that makes me wonder is the fact that here is the man who didn't think he could ever be depressed or have issues that needed professional help, now taking AD's and having therapy.

I guess he just my wants my help in soothing his conscience and as I told him that is no longer my job.

As for having C, I'm not in any plan, as things stand I can't see R of our M happening.

I now have to start working on my personal R. But with looking for work, possibly selling the house and looking into the pro's and con's of that and seeking D advice, I don't have a lot of time for me.

DD's seem to be doing better. DD15 had missed A LOT of school and we have had several meetings about getting her back there. Finally we spoke to a teacher who was more flexible than the previous one we had spoken to and has allowed DD15 to change a couple of her classes and the issue seems to be resolved hurray

DD9 still gets angry very easily, her fuse has always been short, but I have seen her loving nature come out a few times lately. I am still concerned that this whole A has affected her in ways that are still to be seen and am hoping that I will be able to get her to the C who helped myself and DD15 when this all started.

Thx for now



BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Quote
The only thing that makes me wonder is the fact that here is the man who didn't think he could ever be depressed or have issues that needed professional help, now taking AD's and having therapy.
Of course he's depressed. He's spent his whole life getting anything he wants by manipulating people; and now, for the first time, he doesn't have any way to do that because you're being smarter than him. Pretty depressing to realize you may not get to continue your winning streak.

Did I ever tell you about my D18 who dated an abusive jerk a couple years ago? She realized what he was doing and broke up with him after a month. He's been harassing her in school ever since! Just this month, she sent out texts to everyone she's had issues with, clearing the air so to speak, since she's graduating. She sent one to him; he asks why; she explains; so he launches into this multi-page rant about how she has ruined his life, all the things SHE did wrong, how could she live with herself, he'll never recover...and she apparently did all this to him in their one month of dating! He even knew how many months it had been since they broke up, he's been counting!

It's the same thing - people like that are used to getting what they want because they seek out people with weaknesses that they can twist. Once someone wises up and cuts it off, they're dumbfounded. When I broke up with my fiance 30 years ago, who was...well, doing a lot of stuff behind my back, he fell apart. Dropped out of college, came to see me at work every day for a month crying to me to come back (until my coworkers scared him off)...it was disgusting how pitiful he became, this guy who once 'owned the town,' just because someone called him on his game.

All in all, you're doing him a favor.

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Bump for Tarnsy,,, just letting you know I am thinking of you and hope you and the DD's are doing well...F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Posts: 204
Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted in a while but have dropped in occasionally and it’s sad to see that adultery is still rampant and probably will be so as long as humans walk the earth.

Plan D is underway. WH is not contesting. It’s not what I wanted but it is what it is. WH bankruptcy has meant that I have to do it to try to save my home, the receiver is entitled to half of any equity in the house and my solicitor has advised that I get this sorted out now while the housing market is still bottoming out. I could still lose our home if the value is a lot more than the amount I currently owe on the mortgage as I won’t be able to raise the funds.

DD15 is pleased that I am finally D’ing her father but DD9 is extremely upset and unfortunately I am getting the blame. As much as I try to explain it to her she still hates the thought that we are divorcing despite the fact that we have been separated for 2 ½ yrs – not including the FR of 5 1/2mths.

As for me, well, I need to work on my personal recovery. I still have days when I am consumed with anger that WH has put us in this sitch. I am hoping that the D will give me some “closure” – I hate that word - and will allow me to look at a future with somebody else. For some reason I can’t even look at another man while I am still married even if it is only on paper.

WH wants us to be friends of course but it’s not something I can stomach at the moment. He has even suggested that we provide each others SF as we are both single!! WTF!! I told him no in case you were wondering! Lol. On the one hand he tells me that he is broken but on the other he is actively seeking a relationship through online dating sites.

Oh well, thats about all, will let you all know how the D works out and thanks everyone for the support and advice, especially WomanofFaith5, WhoMe, and Faithful 26 although I don’t see them posting lately. This place is a wonderful resource for the BS and the repentant WS. I’m just sad that my WH never got that far.

Tarnsy


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Posts: 258
Hugs Tarnsy,

I am glad you posted, I was wondering about you. I don't post much anymore I just pop in now and again to check up on my cyber-friends.

You sound very strong in your post, I am proud of you moving forward with things and I really hope in time your DD9 will at the very least accept things.

You are going to make it! You have already come so far..

I pray things work out with the house, so much has been dumped on your lap and it is just not right.

Know that I am thinking of you and you are doing good!!!! F-26





Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
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Posts: 1,975
Hiou Tarnsy,

Glad to see that you are still around. Although things didn't work out as we would have liked, you sound resolute and strong. As far as other relationships, well it will happen when the time is right and you are ready. I see good things in your future and you will be able to apply all of the wonderful things you have learned here on MB to your future relationships.

Also, am sorry that DD9 is having a rough time, know that she only blames you cause you are there. In time she will mature and see things as they really are.

My best to you.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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