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Joined: Oct 2007
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Sorry, no idea. You'll just have to Google it.

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Quote:
Now he is home at the moment anyway - has lost around 10kg - doesn't sleep well - came in from the airport where I had picked him up - sat down and cried and said: " I don't belong here anymore".

Are these the signs of someone cheating?


Yes, these are the signs of someone cheating.

At this point, you need to assume that he is cheating.

If you are unable to actually GET more info from phone logs, the internet, or a PI, you might consider bluffing him. This will take a good solid plan, but can be done. A number of betrayed husbands on this site have used the technique very well and their wives have spilled the beans.

You need to act NOW in some form or another. Perhaps not by confronting just yet, but by doing something to come up with information. Right now, you seem to be stuck in the shock of it all.

Quote:
We are sleeping in the same bed but we have no physical contact whatsoever - it actually crossed my mind that he might not want to cheat on her with me.


Exactly right.

Remember, it doesn't really matter that you don't know EVERYTHING. You DO know that he is cheating. And HE knows that he is cheating.

If you confront, be prepared for it to be worse than you are expecting. Be prepared for his denials and DO NOT BACK DOWN from what you KNOW is true. Do NOT accept his lies as being possible truth.

I am not saying to confront, but understand that IF he goes back, you are stuck and he is back in fantasyland/paradise, while you are here alone and with no way to work on your marriage. Do not hesitate. Do not stall.


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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I would be much more comfortable with the online snooping to be honest then physical.


Stop worrying about what you are comfortable with. Your family is in danger.

Your H is not worried about sleeping with another woman. Why on earth should YOU be worried about snooping???? Which is worse? Adultery or snooping?

Snoop in the most aggressive manner possible.


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Oh by the way the no sex and physical contact is out of the wondow - slept with him twice - I know big mistake

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Why spend one minute snooping? He is at least showing signs of remorse, and he is now here and not abroad with that other woman.

You need to be open to his having had an affair and decide if you could accept it. If not, I'd just boot him out. It's not "guilty until proven innocent." The circumstantial evidence is so strong that you'd be wasting money on a PI.

Try to undestand how he feels and his point of view and try to be as non judgmental as possible. Let him say all the nasty things he's going to say to try to justify his behavior.

If he's home, I think he's trying to make the marriage a go. If he goes back, let him. Don't plead. Let him go. This needs to be his decision, not yours. It's his life, even if it impacts you. How you handle his decision is your decision.

Cherished

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Have you read SAA or His Needs Her needs? Seems like this would be a terrific time to Plan A your butt off if you want to save your M. He seems at least open to you if he wants to have sex. Remind him of why he married you in the first place!

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Cathy34 Offline OP
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The thing about the affair is - I don't actually know if he has one or not. He swears he doesn't have or had an affair or even has feelings for someone else.
He spoke to the female co-worker as he wanted a female point of view.He thought she might understand me and my actions but now he says she doesn't understand me either.
He is so hurt that after 10 years of being together I still don't trust him and he is correct, I don't.
I have made a counselling appointment for myself to deal with my jealousy.
He was home for one week but flew back to work today. At least he is wearing his wedding ring again - we have a lot to work on - I gave him the questionair about love busters and emotional needs to fill out - I hope that helps me understanding him a little better.

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Yeah,

Plan A is about meeting emotional needs. You would have broken a big one of mine by being spendthrift and opening another business without my OK.

You need to be tighter in your communication.Have a budget discussion and find out where you are going. Sending your husband off on continuous business trips is one GOOD way to kill the romance.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Cathy34 Offline OP
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The thing is that I can't stop his business trips - that's his job - he has a flat abroad for the last 4 years and is only home every 4 weeks - as a contractor he could loose his job any day - he was in 3 countries over the last 4 years.

I will continue to try to find out if there is someone else and also do Plan A anyway - I will also fill out the emotional needs and Love Busters questionair - our needs are so different.

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Hi, and welcome.

You seriously need to start working on yourself. You A. SERIOUSLY need to stop spending money for pleasure- this is your children's future that you are screwing up.

People sometimes forget that if you are here and working on saving your M- you need to become the type of person that can be responsible for 1/2 the M. There is more to MB than catching a cheater. Yes, that is important- but why do that if there is no plan for the M to work anyway?

How much debt are you in? How much of this did you personally create without his approval? How much did you loose (you don't need to give numbers- just keep them to yourself) in your single handed buisness deal? why are you hiring 3 P.I.'s to investigate HIM- when money issues sounds like drove you like an avalanche to this state in the first place?

What if you H did that type of thing to you? What are you doing to correct this problem?

My .02 is to work on your own issues. Shopping is NOT fun when you are loosing your family to debt. It is a serious problem.

I know- I have had similar issues -- 1/2 the economy 1/2 MY OWN CREATION- and it will take me one or two years to work off this debt.
Thank GOD I woke up and still have a great job to help me recover.
There are debt reduction plans out there,


Last edited by barbiecat; 05/19/09 03:40 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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