SSS-
My H was exactly like that !! SD of me- after all he did!

he was either wallowing in pity for HIMSELF - not me- or telling me that WE should be moving on.

let him talk to tst. he GETS it. he talked to my H- and it really helped.

GM should not be expecting ANYTHING from you. you have given him the gift of another chance.

my H may also be able to help - even though he is new at this- he was EXACTLY like GM in many ways.

he is throwing all those DJ at you!!! not fair - tell him to stop in a respectful way.

and if he wont - walk away. dont listen to them anymore.

can i do anything else to help???

sf

zipping my mouth

Good for your, Pepperband, because I can't do this any more.

SSS,

I've been following your thread since the beginning and I look for your thread almost every day. I don't comment because I feel I have nothing to offer other than prayers for your eventual peace -- no matter what form that comes in.

But this set me off.

I'm a FWW and I have NEVER told my H what he did wrong to cause my infidelity, what he's doing wrong now in his healing process, and what he needs to do to get over it. It's been 6 months since D-day. I had an A before we married for a few weeks then I had a 4-month A last spring. I am appalled at how your WH is treating you these last few days.

You have more signs of commitment to recovery than my own H has and you were hit with one of the biggest bombs ever. YOU are doing MB. YOU are meeting with the Harleys. YOU are consciously trying to work through this.

How DARE he, your WH who did this to you for 20+ years... How DARE he tell YOU how YOU should deal with this. He should be kissing your feet every hour, thanking you for still being there, doing ANYTHING you ask of him every day, and he should be doing it all with a smile on his face. And he should do this over and over until/unless you tell him you don't need it any more.

He should wake up every morning and say, "What can I do for you today to help you heal?" I know I do.

If your H cannot do this for you, if he can not respect the horrific processing you are going through, if he cannot comfort you without LBing you... Then he should leave.

It needs to be all about you now, SSS. You have every right to be as selfish as you want to be, in my opinion.

Don't you dare let him tell you what is right or wrong for you. You do everything you need to do and don't you even think about apologizing for it.

I'll step back out now and let the others keep leading you. Just know there are others out here who may not speak up, but who absolutely have your back.

Take care and God bless you.

-L4

woo hoo, L4!!!


(((sss)))

:Bowing to L4:

Awesome job!

Nothing...absolutely NOTHING has changed.

It will continue to be all about him.

Be ready for his true character to come through again...he will be visiting prostitutes and blaming YOU for it.

He is without character sss....totally without character.

committed

Right now I am l sitting here while GM tries to tell me what I am doing wrong. He is a changed man and it is not fair for me to feel this bad and accuse him because "now he is committed to be honest". He wants to forget all the past, he thinks he has been led to believe that it is OK to close the book on what he did.

Yes I am glad SSS,, you found out now that your husband IS NOT CHANGED, WILL NOT CHANGE, PRETENDS HE HAS CHANGED, AND WILL NEVER CHANGE.

He is back to degrading you so then he can go out and have more affairs as has been his habit. He "acted" like a good boy until you took him back. It is a great game for him. Now he can go out and be the "bad boy" again after deriding you, degrading you, and breaking down your self esteem like he did for all those years.

YOU have to decide if you will go back to "that" or if you will get out of this. HE will not change. As shown here. Too many years of sluts, and whatever he did as he put you down. More affairs to come.

Look everyone, I am down. My "anniversary" is tomorrow and I am very depressed about the entire mess.

GM does this every single time I get really upset. He goes into a mode where he will do or say anything to try to get me to tell him that everything is going to be OK. I did that for a while then realized, I don't know that so I stopped. He makes it about him, he accuses me of playing with him like a cat and a mouse or worse, waiting until he is in this really good and the money has flown out for all the help and then dumping him to get back at him. Where he ever got that idea I will never know because I am not like that, not in the least. Does not mean I have never thought about that, revenge is never as sweet as it seems it should be so it is the last thing on my mind. Everytime he does this the situation devolves to this. It is like a competition to see who hurts the worst, can cry the hardest, can get the other to give it up. I hate it, it is not helpful but it happens every time and I have to be able to process this and grieve what has happened to my life but I can't so I come here and dump it all out.

When things are good he does treat me very kindly and sweetly and he does practically kiss my feet. But this seems abusive and manipulative and is anything but helpful.

So, my depression over a major event followed by another that makes me sad has put me in the position that stimulates him to do this. I was sad and now I am also angry. I do not know why he can't handle me being sad and depressed now, it never bothered him before. It makes me feel like he sees me standing on a skyscraper ledge ready to jump when I am just coursing through the needed process.

I noticed that you were back posting and so glad ... until I kept reading. I'm sorry that you are so upset.
The few times I've popped in to lend what little light I had or just a 'hey', you responded back by wondering how I was, sorry that you didn't know my sitch or lending me a little light.
SSS, you are so very much one to take care of others, and yourself last. This does tend to go with the territory of the profession.
You are tredding in unfamiliar waters now when it is you that needs to be taken care of, you that needs to come first.











Sometimes we have to make a decision, as to what we will accept from others, not only as wives/husbands, but as human beings.
You are a beautiful soul SSS, and you deserve the best that life has to offer.

The merry go round doesn't stop ...... until someone turns it off. And I know that you know this too.

May I offer a different theory? My DH was similar to this at first in our recovery. He COULD NOT handle it when I spiraled down. His words were as if he were pacing the room wringing his hands, wanting to know but afraid to ask, what he could do to fix this. He couldn't. He just couldn't. Anything he said would be read by me as patronizing or insincere or dishonest. I had no trust left to trust his words that the past is the past. What's done is done.

After a few months of this, and him exclaiming several times that, "It's always going to be like this isn't it? You're going to punish me for the rest of my life", clearly not understanding, he finally got it. He learned that it was part of the healing process, there WAS nothing he could do at that moment to make it better. He finally learned that the best he could do was to hold me and to quietly just.be.there. as I healed. I remember one of the things he exclaimed often was, "I don't know what you want from me! What can I do?!?"

I didn't have the answer because I didn't know. It just was. I could not express what I was feeling without sounding pitiful to myself. I didn't have MB at the time, but you do.

Thankfully, we made it through and things are better than ever between us. We walked through the fire and survived.

Hang on, it's a rough road. If you FWH isn't sincere and honest about recovery, you'll know soon enough.

ETA: I only endured 1 1/2 years of betrayal, no where near the length of time you were betrayed. I imagine it will take you a much, much longer time to recover from this, if you can.

(((SVS)))

SSS-
i agree with PM. my FWH didnt know either- and still doesnt know sometimes- what to do or say. he feels that when i am upset- its his fault. and sometimes goes into defensive mode.

men dont know how to listen without trying to fix- we, as women, can communicate and just HEAR each other's feelings, but men dont communicate in the same way.

we have struggled through this phase - and sometimes still do. but we are MUCH better today, than even last week.

you can get there too.

sf

Hey sss,

Do not tolerate that garbage. Put your foot down NOW. I agree with pm that he probably can't handle your moods. My H did that to a degree as well and I told him the way it is...if he couldn't handle it then just leave. Waywards want to sweep the A ASAP and don't understand how consuming the A is in our head. He will get defensive but you need to put your foot down now. Do what is best for you. GM made this mess and needs to suck it up.

If the affair gets swept under the carpet too soon:

You will not have time to properly heal from the 26 years of abuse

He will go out and start looking for other affair partners and will not properly feel the consequences

It will all be fake and phoney, the fake love between you two.


He has to accept your pain for many years. It was a long period of abuse of you he did. He needs to accept his own pain as consequences. Every day for years. For the years of pain he caused you. And to develop his "nearly non existant" concience.

HEY, I resemble that remark!!!!!! :MrEEk:

HI tst-
how are you and smb?
anyway- i think that is most men- you guys want to fix things and dont seem to see talking - to just get feelings out- as anything productive.

in sss's case- i know that you know that she needs to talk ALOT to get everything out.

maybe GM can learn the concept you explained to my H about "surrender". that concept alone has made a world of difference.

sf

While I understand what some are saying, GM not knowing how to react with SSS's pain, and his enormous guilt, what does SSS do when this happens?

This is cruel.


No healing can happen when this is thrown back in her face and made to make her feel bad, intentionally or not.
If this behaviour supposedly fades with time, for the present is it a safe suggestion for SSS to ask GM to leave the house for a few hrs.???, when these situations happen?
SSS sounds so broken, and at these times telling GM to stop with his words is not or may not be enough, since GM is fired up too.

Just sending a hug,



and hoping you are doing okay.

sss-
i'm sending you a hug too. ((((((sss))))))))

i am struggling with recovery too. you are much closer to d-day than me- so you are still in the shock phase. it WILL pass.

i know exactly how you feel. it sucks big time.

you know taht your whole past has been a lie and a screwed up mess. not like the other BSs on these boards who say that their Hs were so great - loving and kind- up until the affair.

so - the only thing to do is to start changing your life today. think of things to do to make YOU happy.

it worked for me.

the MB program will help you heal too- bc even though the AOs and DJ get some of the hurt out- they are ultimately bad for you. they increase your stress and make you depressed afterwards.

anyway - it has only been 4 days for me without one DJ or AO- and i want to eliminate them. i feel so much better.

i want to send you an e mail off the forum- so can you give the mods permission for your personal e mail?

take care, sf

sunflower

Thanks. I have your email but I have not written to anyone off the forum for the same reasons I do not post very often now on the forums. I have had a bunch of outside commitments lately and have two more this week so I hesitate to write much because I get too far behind with my replies and it feels rude. Springtime on the farm, lots of work. All that and because I am in thinking phase and can not really verbalize my feelings as of yet. I do think the last few days have been enlightening and would love to share them but it will most likely come in fits and starts then I will get behind again in responding, big cycle. I will send you an email a little later and then you will have mine, I thought I had sent it but I guess not....it is hard to remember much right now. :crosseyedcrazy:

This entire thing sucks but with each new enlightenment comes understanding and a chance at some kind of comfortable solution. I will share mine in hopes that it might help you a little, yours have certainly helped me.

sss-
dont worry about not posting or e mailing- i only do it when i feel the need to. it shouldnt be a burden- only something that helps you or helps you to help others.

a thinking phase is good- and i'm glad to hear that you have some new enlightenments.

you have been through he11 and back- and you're still standing! take care, sf