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Joined: Mar 2002
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Read Elizabeth Edwards book,got mad as hell at WS again. This happens about twice a year. But now he is nasty,says tell me to leave..he can't wait to walk away. Told me last night I should find a new man. I have never cheated on him. Married 30 years.When does it ever end?


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
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Looking at your signature, there's a major piece of recovery missing, and that is NC.

What is the plan for that?

You sucking it up and getting over it is NOT a plan.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Well, it certainly can not end until NC is established. As long as he still works with the OW, NC has not been established.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? I assume you have because you are posting here. If not, you MUST read it. Dr HArley talks at length about the fact that a low flame always burns for the OW and ANY contact can re-ignite feelings.

AND, ANY contact keeps you worried, afraid and justifiably insecure. Recovery can not even BEGIN until NC is established. NC for life. NC means not EVEN seeing the OW from afar.

What you are experiencing is far more serious than a trigger.

Exactly what has your F(?)WH done to attempt recovery?

Last edited by Wknghrd2LoveEasy; 05/18/09 11:02 AM.

WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Originally Posted By: canwemakeit
You sucking it up and getting over it is NOT a plan.


AMEN!!!!


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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I haven't posted in years..the last other women lost her job so they don't work together.He used to have sex with OW"S in his office. Wasn't concerned last few year because he was in a cube, but now he is doing so well at work he got a new big office with a lock on the door!!!!


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
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So, is your sig line incorrect?


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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I made him go to M/C he hated every min. of it. He said he was sorry..I caught him both time..and that he wants to take care of me..sick of that line..that I should get over it and the best thing he can do when I am upset is to leave! Wrong! What I need is to talk it out..then clam down.


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
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need to update it he doesn't work with FOW.


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 134
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Yes, Thanks for asking I have read it and about 50 other books!


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
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Originally Posted By: LindaMaryland
Read Elizabeth Edwards book,got mad as hell at WS again.


I know you are venting, but why would you read a book that you know is going to contain info that will likely trigger you?



Originally Posted By: LindaMaryland
But now he is nasty,says tell me to leave..he can't wait to walk away. Told me last night I should find a new man.


Maybe a good smack upside the head would help him. twobyfour


It's obvious that you've read the books by Dr. Harley. Has your H read them?





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I have a new Kindle 2..I was looking for a book..thought I would be ok with it.Or maybe I was looking for a fight I don't know..H looked at the books years ago.I think his new office with lock on it is my big concern. I asked him if it could happen again and he said he could not give me a 100% on that it never would.


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
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Originally Posted By: LindaMaryland
I think his new office with lock on it is my big concern. I asked him if it could happen again and he said he could not give me a 100% on that it never would.


I could not live with this...This is a refusal to protect you...I'm very sorry...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Have you considered Plan B?

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Plan B...he baits me with that when I am upset.ASks over and over do you want me to leave? He feels I should either shut up or break up!


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
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Plan B is for YOU though, Linda - It is an ACTION, not a REACTION...It is to protect you from the continued pain of living like this...If he is refusing to protect you, then you must protect you...See what I mean? Living under conditions like that will eventually cause you to have a nervous breakdown...((((Linda))))

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Him telling you that he can't guarantee that he won't commit adultery again is like someone telling you they can't promise that they won't rape you again...No one should have to live under that kind of daily stress...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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The lock should at the very least come off of his office door...On the weekend forum I read Dr. Harley advise a couple that the FWH had to have a window installed on his office door in fact...Those are the kind of actions that your husband needs to be taking to protect you...One of the first steps in recovery is eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible in the first place...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Quote:
Plan B...he baits me with that when I am upset.ASks over and over do you want me to leave? He feels I should either shut up or break up!


"Shut up" should only apply to past actions assuming they have been disussed to death and resolved. Seems to me that your H's "current actions" do require you to speak up.
I am not sure how willing he has been in the last 8 years in terms of re-inforcing his intent of providing you with willinness to set boundaries.
If this has been how it has been for 8 years then what the earlier poster said is correct you have a chunk of your recovery block missing and hence your recovery is rocky. In that case you need to revist that step and reinforce those requirements.
If this is a new developmenet, (his comment that he is not sure that he can say 100% that it wont happen again) then thats a redflag for me and you need to either "SPEAK UP" or
stop and figure out why you are willing to settle for the crumbs he is offering.


FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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I asked him to leave, after I asked him a list of questions. He said he would not cheat again, that he was afarid of lossing his job! I said that didn't stop you before.He will not leave, said he would stay out of my way..went down to basement..to sulk.He said I need to go to M/C alone..as in this is my problem. He said I am having a mood swing.He said I act like a lawyer! he doesn't like how I can remember everything.He is now FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF!!


I am the BS/47 H/48 had 2 PA's 2 OW's,Ist affair I was PG,2nd was over a year long..both with friends from work.He still works with the last OW.
D-Day # 1 March 1995,D-Day #2 Jan 2001 married 25 years 3 kids all living at home..rocky recovery

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