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Wow!

Talk about a slippery slope. I now realize how incredibly dangerous the chemicals involved in the “love” feelings are. I am not making any excuses whatsoever for Waywards, they have to own their deceit and treachery and destruction. But I looked into the abyss myself last night and I have to tell you:

I became a wayward in thinking at least last night.

I have had this friend since we were in High School. She divorced her H about 2 years ago. Anyway, she and I talked a lot during the time when I first found out about the A and was trying to get WW back etc.

So now, she texts me fairly frequently, you know stuff like, “Hey, how ya doing?” “Have you served WW yet?” Stuff like that.

I actually never thought anything sexual about any of it, just a friend. Well recently she texted and I didn’t recognize the number, so I texted back and asked who it was. She texts back, “The hot blonde divorced chick that checks in on you from time to time.”

I can’t remember who it was on this board that told me that I seemed to have a need for a “hot” wife, but they were right. Physical attractiveness is one of my top EN’s. Let me tell you, this blonde is smoking with a figure you just....well she is smokin’.

She was also one of my WW’s good friends until my WW decided that she didn’t like the people that told her to her face that she was messing up. They still see each other from time to time.

Well, this weekend the texts are kinda flirty, and I have to admit I was kinda flirty back. She called me a “tease” and wondered “where are the cute divorced dad’s that like to just cook a steak out and have monogamous sex without the worry someone is going to try to force them to marry.”

Well, if you have read my posts you already know I am not the sharpest blade in the drawer and I am hopeless when girls are coming on to me. I just don’t get it. So I texted back something like “You are funny!” and left it at that.

Well last night she texts me again and then she calls. We start talking and she tells me she messed things up with a guy she was sort of dating who is coming off a situation where his WW cheated on him and he D’d her. She felt after 2 plus years post-divorce she was ready for an intimate relationship and felt she pushed him a little too much too early.

She posited that “with girls it prob might take a couple of years to have sex after D, but she thought with men it might be shorter?” I told her that it had been nearly 2 years for me as well (I know; 2x4 me).

Well...

We talked for an hour and before I knew it, I was flirting and so was she. I all of a sudden felt like I was on FIRE! I mean a real passion and arousal and a strong, strong desire to meet up with this woman. I mean, I was mapping stuff in my head like going on dates, flying home to see her, having her come stay with me in DC, going to Christmas party circuit with her, having her visit me in teton valley this summer and hiking and fishing. I had images of her pretty face and her kissing me...and of course the SEX. I was really thinking about that a lot!

I literally caught myself and mumbled something about “oh gosh, look at the time, its nine o’clock and my dinner is still on the stove, call me sometime, gotta run.”

Last night I dreamed about her and this morning too. I felt weird all day.

I guess the moral of this long story is, this stuff people talk about “boundaries” is way true. I like to think I could have been a “good boy” if she had been in the room with me, but I don’t know.

I know I am glad to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be able to say I didn’t cheat, after all I am still legally married and the papers aren’t signed.

But this stuff is powerful juju!!


SWW


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R U getting divorced? Filed? You know its OVER??! The legal part is a mere formality. You should know in your heart if your M is over, and if so, you are free to date, sex, etc...IMHO DUDE

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Originally Posted by Dude007
R U getting divorced? Filed? You know its OVER??! The legal part is a mere formality. You should know in your heart if your M is over, and if so, you are free to date, sex, etc...IMHO DUDE

Dude,

I disagree, sorry.

Yes it is over. But that argument was exactly what my WW said to me to justify her A.

SWW

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No, don't do anything until divorce is finale. Formality or not it's a commitement you don't want to have the doublestandard of having broken.

Tell your female friend to back off on the flirting and when the divorce is finale you will consider "matters" again.


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As anything "NOW" is an AFFAIR! /facepalm


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Originally Posted by Dude007
R U getting divorced? Filed? You know its OVER??! The legal part is a mere formality. You should know in your heart if your M is over, and if so, you are free to date, sex, etc...IMHO DUDE

MrRollieEyes

Spoken like a true wayward, Dude...sigh

Good job on catching yourself, SWW...Hold tight to your honor, you will be so glad that you did...It is something to be VERY proud of...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Thanks Mrs. W,

I haven't felt like that in more than 20 years. The butterflies, the flirting, the dreaming...

The unbridled lust and feelings of love.

You know, your relationship starts like that, but it always cools from that hopefully into a mature love.

This swept me completely away and I am shocked at how fast it happened.

SWW

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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Thanks Mrs. W,

I haven't felt like that in more than 20 years. The butterflies, the flirting, the dreaming...

The unbridled lust and feelings of love.

You know, your relationship starts like that, but it always cools from that hopefully into a mature love.

This swept me completely away and I am shocked at how fast it happened.

SWW

Yes, SWW, that is what an affair feels like in the beginning - those brain chemicals are no joke...I'm sooooooo glad that you are armed with all the MB knowledge now...I know that helped to protect you...Best to end contact with this friend right now - you got that part, right?

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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[/quote]

Yes, SWW, that is what an affair feels like in the beginning - those brain chemicals are no joke...I'm sooooooo glad that you are armed with all the MB knowledge now...I know that helped to protect you...Best to end contact with this friend right now - you got that part, right?

Mrs. W [/quote]


Uggg,

I know, I know, I know...

But I don't want to. It felt so good. I don't know if I can...

I won't do anything till I'm divorced, but I don't have to tell her NC do I?

Can I just ignore her texts some of the time and only talk to her every now and then and keep it short?

Eeep, I am making myself a bit ill...

SWW

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SWW...You are standing on the slippery slope right now...Will you get off or keep sliding down? You know what you must do...

You are in a very vulnerable state right now and are not attracting the right kind of women anyway...Staying in touch with this friend is NOT a good plan...Not at all...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Think with the head that's on your shoulders...

Mrs. W


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A secret from me... A friend of my WW's who was advising me and supporting me telling me how wonderful I am with endless accolades and compliments started to..."arouse" my attention. I started calling her so that I could cry to someone and going over to her place to watch movies and such and it hit me that I was feeling attracted to her. I had thought a couple times about sex with her and "normally" I don't look at women’s breasts other than my wife’s...and I caught myself doing that multiple times. Or looking at her behind.

I've not called her or met up with her since that realization. It's amazing what someone fulfilling your EN's can do.

I just realized that I stepped away from her unconsiously. A coworker the other day mentioned her to me because I had told him about how nice she was too me...and he asked why I didn't keep talking to her. I didn't know why at the time.


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Or as Mark quoted Bill Cosby,"You only have enough blood to run "one" head at a time."


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SICK! NO!

"Can I just ignore her texts some of the time and only talk to her every now and then and keep it short?"

That right there is what every WW says to themselves I'm sure!


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Originally Posted by SWW
She was also one of my WW’s good friends until my WW decided that she didn’t like the people that told her to her face that she was messing up. They still see each other from time to time.

Okay, first if she really practices what she preached to your WW then she would RESPECT your decision for NC right now with her...She would admire you for it and completely understand...Actually her reaction to you telling her that you need NC right now would be VERY TELLING about whether or not she is the right kind of woman, no?

Also, are you sure that getting involved with someone that still sees your WW is a great plan? Lots to think about here, SWW...

Big can of worms from my vantage point...

Mrs. W



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Ok,

I understand. But how do I go NC?

I have to be honest, my thoughts initially led to a flirting NC letter that would only worsen things. You know, "I have to tell you that interacting with you the past few days have awakened in me something that i am not comfortable with, i started to develop feelings for you that are unsettling. I need to go NC with you for awhile."

Read: I am pining for you and want you really badly.

Everything is coming full circle. I now understand why WS' don't want to send a NC letter, or when they do want to include a hidden message. Ugghh!

I have to say, this experience has made me have an appreciation for WS' who don't understand the hurt and pain they have caused.

And that is one thing my WW told me that really hurt me. She told me she would never judge someone who had an A. She had no right to judge.

I know it is wrong.

SWW

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Don't make your abbreviation SWW = StupidWayWard...

Get a grip man. Don't be a manwhore...just because someone is showing you interest right now.

I'm going to say this: Stop analyzing your actions because your also going to "justify" them that way.

WW's know what they are doing is wrong, they eventually justify themselves. Stop what your doing send her a simple NC like this:

To (No endearments):

I am a married man and must honor my vows even as my spouse does not. I can not speak with or see you anymore so as to ensure no temptation to break my vows are present in my current painful situation.

(no endearments)

-SWW

DOn't lead on to a "future." After the divorce is final you can then contact her at your leisure.


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I would ask what you really know about her. She was telling your wife how she was screwing up, but she didn't tell you what your wife was doing, did she? Do you know the circumstances under which her first marriage ended? Basically, Im curious if you think she is a woman of character? I wouldn't necessarily discount her because she is showing interest now. She didn't come on to you when you were trying to recover your marriage did she? She waited to express her interest until after she was convinced your marriage was over for reasons she had nothing to do with. I know many here will say "she is still going after a married man", but not everyone holds that black and white viewpoint, and her interest does not necessarily compromise her integrity and character.

I would absolutely not recommend you continue the flirty chat, but you already know that. But I'll dissent a little bit and say that I don't think NC is necessary. No flirting and sexually charged conversations should be avoided, but there is no reason you can't be friends with a woman so long as you can remain strong enough to keep your boundaries. Were I in your shoes, I would tell her (obliquely if necessary) that you have your own baggage to put behind you, and you need time and an official divorce before you would be a suitable partner for anyone. You may learn some very valuable things about her character that way, too.

After I served my wife because of her second affair, I had someone come on to me very strongly. I was attracted to her, but I put a stop to her flirtatious talk, never got together with her, and we remained friends.

I just see no reason that you can't have female friends, while you wait for your divorce to finalize. SWW, you have not cheated, and in my book you have earned the benefit of the doubt here. I think you are strong enough to be friends with someone without breaking your own boundaries.

Last edited by Unfettered; 05/18/09 03:55 PM.

ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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If it's meant to be, she'll be there when the divorce is final. I'm also on the fence about the NC thing. I'd have to say, check your intentions. If you are out for short term gain, or to cover some hurts, or acting in a way you feel is 'wayward', then let the ink dry on the divorce decree first.

BTW, even though my marriage is not in an wayward/infidelity situation, I really know exactly what you mean. My husband and I are in such bad shape right now--we can't even have a conversation without arguing and without me walking away feeling like I again set off the hidden land mines. All a guy would have to do is actually listen to me and engage in a conversation without challenging every one of my thoughts and feelings and I think I'd be off and running like you. So I keep to myself mostly these days.

Last edited by OurHouse; 05/18/09 03:58 PM.
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Originally Posted by Monc
Don't make your abbreviation SWW = StupidWayWard...

Get a grip man. Don't be a manwhore...just because someone is showing you interest right now.

I'm going to say this: Stop analyzing your actions because your also going to "justify" them that way.

WW's know what they are doing is wrong, they eventually justify themselves. Stop what your doing send her a simple NC like this:

To (No endearments):

I am a married man and must honor my vows even as my spouse does not. I can not speak with or see you anymore so as to ensure no temptation to break my vows are present in my current painful situation.

(no endearments)

-SWW

DOn't lead on to a "future." After the divorce is final you can then contact her at your leisure.

No, I dont think the above would be good.

How about, "hey S, listen, I really appreciate your being there for me so much during this whole ordeal of mine, and I am happy to be there for you. But right now, my thoughts and feelings are just really confused, and i think I need to just not be talking to other women right now while i get my divorce settled. I'd really like to talk once I am past that point."

???

SWW

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