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Hello,

I am posting a new threath because I have not been able to see any posts in this Forum regarding my situation.
It all started 3 years ago when I fell in love with my brother-in-law.
I have seen signs that he may feel the same, however we have never, ever acted on it.
Not long ago, before finding out about this site and Dr. Harley's helpful books, I emailed my BIL (who lives in another country) and expressed my feelings for him. He replied very nicely but with no answer in that respect.
After that I found this helpful Website and read that I should tell my husband about my feelings for his brother so I did so.
We are now in therapy to help out our marriage and bought a couple of Dr. Harley's books who are helping a great deal.
This is all very new to us and feel very disoriented about how to act with his brother.
Following Dr. Harley's advice I am trying to cut off all contact with him, however is hard not to hear how he is since we see his parents all the time and tell us about him.
Do you have any advice to help us cope with this?
I could cut off al ties if it was somebody not related to us but his brother will always be in our lifes. Will there always be a risk of an affair?

Please, help us. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

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Not to be too harsh but- You are not in love with your brother in law- your love with the idea of him. A fantasy of what it would be like etc.. He has flaws just like everyone else, the grass is not greener, so pull your head out of the fog, quit daydreaming, look at your husband, get down on your knee's and be thankful he is still standing next to you!

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Well, I've fallen in love a few times in my marriage and am headed that way right now. At this point, 16 years into a terrible marriage in which my husband has been both abusive and unfaithful, I get the idea -- falling in love is natural and not really all that big of a deal. The key is to never ever be alone with the person and to not express your feelings to him. I don't think there's anything unusual or threatening about having feelings. What is threatening is acting on them. Be polite and cordial but not intimate with him, especially with conversations even by email. You have done a brave thing in telling your husband. Now ask him to always be present when you are with your brother in law.

This society makes the feeling of love into the be all and end all of life. It is a wonderful feeling, no doubt, but commitment and care for the person you vowed to cherish for life should trump a feeling. Personally, I think you're making a big deal out of what is natural and to be expected during the course of a marriage. Take precautions now, and suffer no regrets later. I don't think there's any need to tell anyone other than your husband. You made a mistake to tell your BIL, and it was good that he did not say anything in return. Let it drop. Don't bring it up with him. Talk with your husband about what to say if he brings it up.

Had you acted on those feelings, that would be a different story. You have done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong, in having feelings. In fact, you are to be admired for admitting to them and telling your husband. How many of us betrayed spouses would have appreciated honesty! Because you are being honest, even when it is painful for you and for your husband, you have the strength of character to avoid an affair.

I knew a woman once whose husband had an affair with her brother's wife. Two marriages ended, and there were young children involved. In fact, the marriage ended before the last child was born. And for what? A feeling. How very sad.

Cherished

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Originally Posted by Edandsan
I could cut off al ties if it was somebody not related to us but his brother will always be in our lifes. Will there always be a risk of an affair?

Does your husband know about your feelings for the BIL? Is the BIL married and does his wife know this?

Did you have an emotional affair with your BIL?

And yes, you should cut off all contact with the BIL, because this will always be a threat. Do you know that the reason you are in love with your BIL is because you allowed him to meet needs that should have been met by your H? That means that you don't have good boundaries outside of your marriage. When you allow someone else to meet one need, the others are soon to follow. I am pointing this out so that you know that you have a boundary problem in your marriage and this will happen again unless you change them.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks to all for replying so quickly.

Dear Babyonboard, thanks for your reply. I do know for sure I am in love with my BIL. I have only been in love 4 times in my life, I am now 33. But it's OK, I understand why it may just seem a Fatasy.

Dear Cherished, your answer helped me a lot. This is something I needed to hear. I agree with you, falling in love with people happens naturally over the course of a marriage and I am probably making a big deal out if. Thanks, I really needed to hear this.

Dear MelodyLane, thanks to you too. You are right, DH and myself have been talking about what emotional needs we need to work on so we can fall in love with each other again. Is it really possible to fall back in love with your spouse after many years of marriage? I would love it!

Thanks again, so far your answers are very helpful.

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Originally Posted by Edandsan
Following Dr. Harley's advice I am trying to cut off all contact with him, however is hard not to hear how he is since we see his parents all the time and tell us about him.
Do you have any advice to help us cope with this?
Yes.

Tell BIL's wife about your feelings.

Tell your inlaws about your feelings and ask that they not discuss BIL with you in the future. If they continue to talk about BIL, sever ties with them.

Better to lose your inlaws than your husband.

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Hi Edandsan,

You will find the following helpful:
Escaping the jaws of infidelity: How to avoid an affair: Letter no.1
Escaping the jaws of infidelity: How to avoid an affair: Letter no.2

I am glad that you are seeking help with avoiding the tragedy of an affair.






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Originally Posted by Edandsan
I do know for sure I am in love with my BIL.

Hmmmmm....

What do you love about him? How long have you been BIL/SIL?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Also, when you told BIL of your feelings you said he did not respond in kind. What did he tell you?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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To answer your question from your other thread- yes you can fall in love with your H again. But you need to stop looking at other men.
You claim to have fallen in love 3x since you have been with H- that's quite a few and a serious red flag. Melody lane is spot on about the boundaries issues. Start there.

I have some questions for you though-
-
-What happened 3 years ago that made you fall in love with bil?
-What does it take for you to fall "in love"?
-What does it mean to be "in love" for you? It is different for everyone.
-What was it about this time that made you willing to cross the line and contact BIL and tell him your feelings?
-What was it about the other men that prevented you from crossing that line?
-What do feel about those men now when you look back- are you still in love with them?
- You say you have the books and have been reading- have read and do you fully understand the idea of the "love Chemicals", their purpose and average length of effect?
-Plus the questions that Black Raven asked.

I think that if you answer these questions truthfully you might be able to get at the source of your issues. Good luck.

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Hi all!
Thanks for your new answers.

And thanks for the links SugarCane, however I could not open the two links. Is there another way to have access to them? They seem useful.

Thanks to you too Black_raven. I love all the attention my BIL give me when we are together. He is sweet and kind to me and does things for me just to see me happy like offer to help with the kids, with household tasks...
We have been BIL/SIL for 14 years.
When he replied to my confession he just said he was missing all of us and loved us but his new life is in the new country now and must go on there. He thanked me for being so honest and said he liked my sincerity about how I felt.
I have to say that the only time I knew for sure he felt the same was in a family vacation getaway where we were all together for 10 days (his parents, himself, my DH, our DD and myself)and without saying anything to each other we would just look at each other and just know... it's so hard to explain... it had never happened to me before... our eyes would meet across the room with everybody else around us, and then everything and everyone in the room would disappear...it was like we could see each other's souls...Gosh, so hard to explain!!!
I am not sure if this is what one feels when it's real love...has not happened to me with my DH.
Anyway, any thoughts about this?
I really appreciate your answers!


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Originally Posted by Edandsan
I love all the attention my BIL give me when we are together. He is sweet and kind to me and does things for me just to see me happy like offer to help with the kids, with household tasks...

Well geez, that describes my mom, dad, sister, brother, inlaws, friends and a bunch of other people too yet I'm not "in love" with any of them. That's just being considerate.

Quote
and without saying anything to each other we would just look at each other and just know... it's so hard to explain... it had never happened to me before... our eyes would meet across the room with everybody else around us, and then everything and everyone in the room would disappear...it was like we could see each other's souls...Gosh, so hard to explain!!!

Heck women can fall "in love" with a soap opera hunk on TV. LOL

:crosseyedcrazy: Human beings feel attraction for a variety of reason, most of which have nothing to do with "love". Lust maybe but not love. I agree that you are "in love" with the idea of what BIL is. He might very well be a swell guy, but what do you really know of him? Guess what, BIL blechs and farts just like all other men. You don't have to cook or clean for him. You don't have put up with him leaving the toilet seat up, laundry on the floor, being late, etc. so of course he looks good to you. My H told me POSOW was always on her best behavior so it was EASY to think she was all that even though he had to ignore the obvious WTF charcter flaws she must possess to cheat in the first place.

This is fantasy E.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Ok Black_raven, I see your point and you are probably right, this could be all Fantasy. The thing is I know my BIL well and know things I do not like about him and, if I had to choose between my DH or him, I would still stay with my DH. I just consider my BIL for a good time together so maybe I am answering myself and this is LUST, even though I have loved him for a long time as a brother so I do really LOVE the man. I guess you are right, the attraction that we have always felt for each other made my love for him to become romantic love and Lust at the same time.
I still think of him every day though and miss him and enjoy his company when we are together.
I love my husband too but I am not in love with him. This is what is missing now between us and so desperatly I am trying to feel towards him.
Anyway, thanks for keeping on replying to me, it does help.

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Sounds like limerence to me.

Read "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck. He explains what "love" really is. Its not anything like what you are describing.



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From a male perspective, it looks more like a schoolgirl crush or plain ole infatuation to me. I don't even think I would consider it an A, technically, because of the one-sided aspect of it.

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If I was the husband I would be pissed that my brother did not tell me about this!!!! mad

You know that their relationship, even though it didn't go any where, will never be the same because of you!!! He has become a threat!!! And less of a brother by not saying anything!!!

From now on there should be no family events involving the brother!!! Your a grown women and destroyed that relationship and now the rest of the family needs to be told why!!!

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[quote=Edandsan]


Thanks to you too Black_raven. I love all the attention my BIL give me when we are together. He is sweet and kind to me and does things for me just to see me happy like offer to help with the kids, with household tasks...

If that is all it takes- maybe you should tell your husband to help around the house and with the kids a little more.

We have been BIL/SIL for 14 years.

You were pretty young (19) right? Why so young- were you in love- or was there some other reason that you married and maybe you have been dealing with these latent issues of being married when you didn't want to be? Definitely something to bring up with counselor.

When he replied to my confession he just said he was missing all of us and loved us but his new life is in the new country now and must go on there. He thanked me for being so honest and said he liked my sincerity about how I felt.

Ok, he could be an honorable man that won't even think about his brothers wife or he doesn't share your feelings. I know which one you want to believe.

I have to say that the only time I knew for sure he felt the same was in a family vacation getaway where we were all together for 10 days (his parents, himself, my DH, our DD and myself)and without saying anything to each other we would just look at each other and just know... it's so hard to explain... it had never happened to me before... our eyes would meet across the room with everybody else around us, and then everything and everyone in the room would disappear...it was like we could see each other's souls...Gosh, so hard to explain!!!

Excuse me for a moment I need to go get my shovel and boots- or maybe my fog horn. faint


I am not sure if this is what one feels when it's real love...has not happened to me with my DH.

What you are describing is lust/fantasy- plain and simple. Really you should read or reread about the lust/love chemicals and the anatomy of love. As someone wiser than I has said many times on this board- love is not a feeling- it is an action!

Anyway, any thoughts about this?
I really appreciate your answers!

[/quote

I want you to know that normally I really a very subdued member but something about your post really has my knickers in a twist. And I do want you to succeed with you relationship. So I tried to swing lightly. Really good luck.

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BIL TOLD you this:

Originally Posted by Edandsan
When he replied to my confession he just said he was missing all of us and loved us but his new life is in the new country now and must go on there. He thanked me for being so honest and said he liked my sincerity about how I felt.

Nowhere in there did he even remotely describe this:

Quote
our eyes would meet across the room with everybody else around us, and then everything and everyone in the room would disappear...it was like we could see each other's souls.

Yet you claim to KNOW for certain that he felt this way because you did. crazy



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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This is really interesting.
I am just now learning about what Limerence is. I had never heard about it before but it seems to describe how I feel.
Thanks for your new posts, it is really helping me understand what is going on with me.
So if this is just a crush or infatuation it seems quite safe.
The possibility of a future affair with my BIL could just be in my mind then.
I wish I could say I am 100% sure of that but when I am around him...things seem different!
Anyway, thanks again and I am appreciating all your answers.

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Quote
I love all the attention my BIL give me when we are together. He is sweet and kind to me and does things for me just to see me happy like offer to help with the kids, with household tasks...


Those are the ENs your DH has to work on meeting. You need to work on not allowing ANYONE, besides your DH, to meet your top needs. Those are boundaries.

Were there other communications with your BIL that your DH was not privy to? Did you have discussions with him that were inappropriate? Personal discussions? I'm just wondering because to really know someone you have to have those types of communications, otherwise it is a fantasy.


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DDay PA 6/05
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