So my original thread appears to have been erased. It was under hurting32...but here is a recap.

About 2 months ago my wife slept with another guy. She finally admitted after I confronted her with enough evidence. In addition she has been having an EA with a different guy who lives across the country. THe connected on facebook and traded e-mails about how much they have missed each other and how they wish they could see each other again. So my wife claimed she that her PA was a ONS and that she had not seen the OM. But she would not commit to working on things. Says she has had doubts for years, has not loved me for years, does not find me interesting, blah, blah blah.

We have 2 kids ages 5 and 3. In general I feel like I have been a very good husband and father. My wife works and is pursuing a masters degree and I defintely do my fair share, if not most of the work around the house and taking care of the kids. Even her own family has commented about her lack of parenting skills. My wife would always complain that she hates this lifestyle and feels trapped. She is not a patient person and would often comment that the kids drive her crazy.

So about 3 weeks after she slept with the other guy, I went out and bought keylogger software. I found more e-mails to the ex-boyfriend about how they may be getting their "Beach vacation" together after all and how heavenly it would be. Then I also find facebook chat with the guy that she slept with. It was disgusting...practically online sex. So that night I went off on her. We had a huge fight and she left at 2 am. We talked and decided it was hopeless and that we should get a D.

4 days later she calls me crying saying she is not sure this is what she wants. She tells me she wants to try to work on things. Then, one day after we sleep together for the first time since all this happened, I catch her in another lie. She went over to his place and screwed him again. At that point, I tell her that I refuse to live with someone who is having an affair and that if she cannot commit to 100% no contact, she needs to move out.

So she has been living with a friend for 2 weeks and signed a 6 month lease starting in November. She also will not commit to no contact. So I have moved to Plan B. I told her there is no point on talking or seeing each other under these circumstances. She did not seem too upset by it.

I filed for Divorce last week and will serve her the papers as soon as I get them. All of my friends and family think I should move on. They all seem to think that I am too good for her and that the kids and I deserve much much better. My wife says we should not rush into a divorce. She is not sure what she wants. I told her this is not abot her anymore. She says that maybe she could make changes and we would work on things. I seriously doubt her sincerity.

I know she has no plans of being faithful while separated. So I am considering seeing other people too. My daughter has a friend with a single mom. We've talked about setting up a playdate and I am thinking about asking her out if she is not seeing anyone and interested. I feel like I do deserve better and feel ready to move on. Maybe that would be a huge mistake, but I feel like it would help open my eyes to what else is out there. I just feel like if I started to see someone else then it would pretty much seal the deal as far as a divorce. But I seriously think that would be for the best.

NO!

You are in NO position mentally to do this!

Your status IS still married no matter what a few ignorant others may be telling you!

You need to spend time without the additional confusion of engaging in your own Adulterous activity!

NO dating until you are divorced, and anyone that would date you given your current marital and emotional state would not be someone you would want long term anyhow!

Please think this through and think about long term goals, not short term sex!

I think you should wait for your emotions to calm down.

The general rule of thumb is to wait until you are actually divorced, because things DO happen, marriages DO recover and you do not need any more people muddying up the situation. Nor is it fair to this single mom to be presented with such a rollarcoaster of recent events.

Your hurting and that is understandable and yes, you probably DO deserve someone better. Just let a little more water flow under the bridge huh? You dont need to jump back into the saddle immediatly.

Tell us more about your plan B?

Who is your IM? Do they fully understand MB? Did you previously post your plan B letter? Did you save a copy and can you re-post it?

Did you do Plan A? and if so, how long was your plan A?

Hello,
I'm in agreement with everyone. Ask yourself what is your true motivation for asking OW out? Is it really because you are attracted to her and truly feel you are ready do start another relationship? Or do you feel you need to feed your ego because your manilhood has taken a hit? How fair is it to the innocent lady (friend's mom) to get involved with you in the state of mind you're in? Please take the advice here and think this through. Please question your true motivations here.

GG

What is an IM? Still trying to figure out all the lingo...

I did not write a Plan B letter. We discussed over the phone. I bascially told her that things are hopeless until she cuts off all contact with the OM and agrees to complete transparency.

Plan A lasted about 6 weeks. It was very painful given the situation and the things that were done and said. I know it typically takes longer but I could not stand to live with someone having an affair under my nose.

I agree that it makes sense to not date until D is final. What difference will a few months make, right?

You are NOT in Plan B!

You are in Plan C ...... Confusion!

I'm not trying to be mean, I just want you to gain some perspective. Your emotions are controlling you intellect and that is why I call what you are doing.... confusion.

You need to read Dr Harleys Plan A and Plan B information.

Re-read this all again.Link to Plan A & Plan B info

I have read Harley's SAA so I am familiar with the concepts of Plan A and B. I did plan A for about as long as I could stand it. I honestly feel like I should just move on...not just because of the affair but because looking back on it, the relationship was extremely one-sided. I did all the giving while she did all the taking, but continued to complain about her life, hating responsibility, being bored, etc. etc. I have serious doubts about if she can change those traits. I am not sure I want to take the chance that she will fool me again. She can be a very caring, sweet person, but as soon as reality sets in or anything gets tough, she can't handle it and says she needs to get away. I think her moving out demonstrates her character. She ditches me with all the responsibility while she takes 6 months to "figure things out" I need someone who is stable and I can count on in good times and in bad.

In general I have yet to see true remorse from her. She says she feels bad and did not want to hurt me. I think if she does decide she wants to work on things it will be because she misses the kids and the stability of our life together...not because of me. So I am skeptical. I have exposed to all her family and a lot of our mutual friends. Most of them tell me I need to do what is best for me and many have point blank told me to get a divorce and move on. They do not want to see me get hurt again.

About the OW I am interested in. I actually am attracted to her and think she is a great person that I would like to get to know better. I still agree that dating does not make sense at this point, but I see no harm in having our kids play together and getting to know each other better. If I wanted to boost my ego, I would go have try to have a ONS with someone. I am not really looking for that, although I can't say I would pass up the opportunity if it came my way.

At this point I feel like I am done and want to move forward with a better life for me and my kids.

I remember your story now. Plan B is to protect you from your WW's drama. You have no contact with her and get an intermediary to handle the communications that will only deal with issues of responsibilities. Your IM will filter the communication to protect you. In the meantime you work on you. You need to take into consideration your children. Are they really ready to see Dad flirting with OW (and don't think they won't figure it out.) Your kids already have mixed signals - don't make it worse. Stay away from relationships, heal yourself, your kids and get your life in order. Once you are a whole healthy person and the kids mental health are in tact - then you can pursue whatever you like. Be the model to your kids of what is acceptable behavior.

Gg

Gg

One other detail I forgot to mention that was discussed in my previous thread. My wife has caught herpes from the OM. Apparently she will need to be retested in a few months to know for sure if it is oral or genital herpes. She seems convinced that it is "only oral herpes and not that big a deal. Most people have this already." She has had symptoms or oral herpes and I guess the OM told her that is what he has. Regardless, this is disgusting to me and it is something that can never be cured. So she continues to expose herself to STDs, brings home herpes to her husband and kids and does not seem to bothered by this as she continues to sleep with the OM.

So that is another factor to consider in this mess. I think she is a danger to me and the kids.

I agree Ed. As you have realized, your first obligation is to those kids. I support you moving on and getting divorced. You cannot change her against her will. And if she ever does make a dramatic change, you can always consider giving her another chance.

An IM is your intermediary. The person YOU choose with whom your wife has to relay any needed information about the kids or the divorce. She has to no longer be able to even TALK to you or SEE you, while she continues the A. PERIOD.

IMO, that is the one and only chance she will ever hit rock bottom and suffer remorse.

In the meantime, it keeps you sane.

And no, of course you should not date ANYONE right now. In fact, it's recommended to not date for at least a YEAR after your divorce is final. If you go out with someone just to have some woman pay attention to you, and you get involved with her while you're still sorting out your issues (and hopefully finding out what part YOU played in your marriage's disintegration and fixing it), you'll just end up married to yet another unhealthy woman.

Do not do that to your children. Please.

My best friend growing up had been through seven stepfathers. Seven! And that's just til 7th grade, when they moved away (and her mom was in the process of divorcing that one). She was the most miserable, helpless person I ever knew.

Don't do that to your kids.

I agree 100%...she needs to hit rock bottom, and moving forward with the divorce is the best thing for me and the kids at this point.

I have also thought a lot about what part I played in our marriage falling part. I know that Harley says that affairs happen because one spouse fails to meet the emotional needs of the other. When I look back on things and even ask my wife about this, I can't think of what needs I failed to meet. I gave her love, affection, financial stability, conversation. The problem is that she did not want my love or affection. She even admits this. She says that something is missing and she even had these feelings and doubts before we got married.

So the only mistake I can think of is that I married the wrong woman...someone who was not the person I thought she was. I have tried as hard as I could for 8 years to make her happy and to make this work. I gave up a great job and career by my family so that we could move to be closer to her family. I supported her going back to work because she hated being a stay at home mom. We hired a nanny and a housekeeper. I supported her going back to grad school to pursue a new career.

I realize that I was too nice and this created a situation where she feels like she can treat me like garbage. So that is really the one thing I have taken away from this. I need to focus more on myself and less on trying to please others.

That's just her FOG talk. Don't by into the lie.

Remember that you aren't dealing with a rational thinking person. You don't know the truth because she is giving you all lies so that she can feel good about what she is doing OR she is trying to believe the lies herself.

My H did the SAME THING....THEY ALMOST ALL do the same thing. Please try not to second guess your marriage yet. Look at what you can fix TODAY....

I recommend you focus on what G-d wants you to do. Take care of your kids. Stay in today and don't worry about tomorrow.

Easier said than done.

You are very shrewd, Ed. I agree with everything you have said and believe you have great insight about your situation. Some affairs have nothing to do with unmet needs, and I would agree yours falls into that category. Mine was another. Your wife has some serious mental issues that make her terrible marriage material.

Another dynamic that was probably at play is that when she mistreated you, you allowed it to happen, which trained her to be a tyrant to you. Better late than never to start protecting your boundaries. She is the kind of parent who will corrupt your children in order to be their "friend" so I think you are wise to do everything you can to protect them from her. My father was just like her and he caused enormous damage to his children by teaching us that wrong is right.

So I am in Plan B and have been talking to my lawyer about drafting a final agreement for the D. The initial motion was filed last week. I am not really upset by all of this anymore. Is that typical for a BS in my situation. I do not really miss my wife at all. I am happy being by myself and with the kids.

I do find myself having feelings of anger from time to time. But that is more from feeling betrayed and cheated on rather than missing my wife. This is more than just about her actions from the last 2 months. I truly doubt that she is good wife or mother material.

The thought of a divorce does not upset me. I feel like I want to get it done with so that I can move forward with my life.

My question then...are these feelings typical of a BS in my situation I know every situation is unique. Given how I am feeling, should I push to finalize the divorce?? December is the soonest it could be final. I could always remarry her if my wife were to do a complete turn around. I just feel like she has so many issues and I see no hope of her recognizing this and actually doing something about it. ?

I wish Zen would stop back in---he was married to a woman who sounds a bit like your wife. Although no one is perfect and if you did enough soul searching you could probably find an time or two there were unmet needs, it sounds as though the issue lies basically with her--there is something missing within her that allows her to participate in a committed relationship. She will most likely do this again to the next man in her life.

Anyway, Zen had two small kids and a wife who did not understand the concept of fidelity. Once he decided to file, he did it and it all went through very quickly.

I found it a relief, like you, to be divorcing a complete "taker'. I mourned the loss of a dream that was never based in reality but did not miss my XW a bit. I think this is the norm in situtions where one has just become exhausted by the long term giving without getting uch in return.

A lot of BH's go through an anger phase six months from D day. The phase can last up to six months.

Plan A should be done as long a BH can do it up till six months. So being you can't do it any longer then time to plan B. Make sure there is total NC. That you are using a 3rd party to relay messages. 3P is to be a spam filter. Restating only the fact that need to be addressed by you.

Going plan B does not mean you have to rush for a D. Having a WW with Herpes is motivation to seek a divorce.