I am ready but I will say this. I have read the emotional needs and aside from admiration (which she will not except because she feels horrible for what she did to me) and domestic support (which I obviosuly can't do being seperated, I don't know what her other emotional needs are

As far as Plan A & B goes. The affair is done. Could it rekindle in a couple of months when they both happen to bump into each other. Perhaps it's possible but my wife thinks he is an extraordinarly manipulative man who is a coward but I know she still has feelings for him but she feels like the affair has finally run its course and her admitting everything to me is a good sign. She won't leave the work place because she hasn't committed to the marriage yet so why should she (in her mind).

This is the hardest part is "drawing" her back into "wanting" the marriage again. She said she has seen the changes I have gone through over the last 1.5 years, but she was too week and addicted tot he affair......But I think she is afraid to go back to the marriage for fear it will always hang over our heads.

You can admire her, whether or not she accepts it. Just do it!

Domestic support - does she ever come to the place you live? Do you have it vacuumed, dusted, picked up? Are the bathrooms clean? Do you have candles burning so it smells good? Nice music playing? Maybe some fresh flowers out?

Do you ever go to her place? Can you take care of something that needs doing at her place? Mow the grass? Paint a dingy room? Rake the leaves? Fix a broken mailbox?

What now? You print out the Love Buster questionnaire and either ask her to fill it out (tell her you just want to see where you went wrong), or try to figure out what your LBs are that she doesn't like.

Then make a conscious effort to STOP doing them!

Once you have that down, do the same thing with the Emotional Needs questionnaire. See, it's not up to you to decide what her ENs are. That's what the questionnaire is for. But do the LB one first; if you are LBing her, it doesn't matter how many ENs you meet, cos she'll still be perpetually upset with or distant from you.

In a couple months, once you stop all LBs and meet all ENs, you should be seeing changes in her as you become more like the man she would want to fall in love with.

As for her fear, YOU are the only one who can change that - by being steady, loving, patient, introspective, kind, and inquisitive of her thoughts. MAKE her feel safe around you.

btw:
It hurts to hear things about yourself that you wouldn't like in someone else. But it's a great way to learn and grow - and become the person who COULD get your wife to want you back. Then what? Then you either fight for your marriage and your wife back, or you divorce her and THEN go on a date. NEVER before; you just never know how that can blow up in your face, or hurt someone else. There simply isn't any room in a marriage for dating someone else.

It's called filing for legal separation or divorce, not dating. Why drag another party into your mess? Do you really think a decent woman would date a married guy or would it be a desparate one with no sense of marital boundaries?

You need to make a decision. Do you want to stay in this marriage? Insist on NC w/ OM (that means another job) and move back in. Have you done exposure to your WW's work? That might solve the NC problem for you.

And listen, we're not judgmental, we're just black and white. If you are married, no dating. Period. If you start allowing reasons for dating when married you start going down a slippery slope that leads you to where your wife is. I would certainly understand wanting to start dating, but that doesn't make it right. We are just trying to help you out. Let's say you do eventually get back with your wife. If you already had a girlfriend, wouldn't that complicate things?

Well, I believe being judgmental is a virtue. I try to be as judgmental as possible.

Anywho, FD, what I think you should do is start dating her. Work on wooing her back, while avoiding all lovebusters.

And...............call up Steve Harley and get a plan!!

FlaPad,

You have been given quite a bit of good advice. Have you really been reading it or feeling to defensive to give it much consideration?

Like to hear your thoughts on what has been said so far.

God Bless,

JL

Floridapad She is obviously using you as the back up. For her to say that she was ending it was total BS too. Stay strong and make her work her butt off b4 you give an inch. The fact is you can't even trust her that if someone else came along she wouldn't do the same thing. All this would be different if she had done anything to reconcile b4 she got the big dump.

You have to get WW to go total NC. That means a new job.

Cat person - Thank you for the advice. Finally some real advice based on action. Thank you

JMWC - I hear where you are coming from on the black and white thing. Unfortunately the message from other posters was not delivered in such a kind way so I don't listen to them...

Melodylane- Judgement is not a virture. One of the "love busters" is not to pass judgement. It's not good to do.

Turtlehead - Yes I go to her place but she needs to feel what it is like to not have me do the domestic stuff. Perhaps domestic support was not her emotional need afterall. She needs to figure that out...Catch my drift???

THe Road - I dont have to get my WW to do ANYTHING. That would be controlling and she aint in to that/She needs to do it on her own....If she doesnt then she can go take a hike!!!

You are confusing judgment with "disrespectful" judgments within the confines of a romantic relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE. Judgment most certainly IS a virtue; judging right from wrong is how people navigate life. It is a DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENT that is a lovebuster within the confines of a relationship in which you are building a LOVEBANK for the purpose of creating romantic love. That does not mean one should cease judging right from wrong.

Our prisons are full of "non-judgmental" people who cannot judge right from wrong. And that is EXACTLY where they belong. People who can't judge are dangerous.

Have you spoken with OMW directly to confirm that she knows of the A?

"I dont have to get my WW to do ANYTHING. That would be controlling and she aint in to that/She needs to do it on her own"

Yes, better stated as you need to set a new job as a boundary, as part of NC for your WW to meet as a condition to attempt recovery and married.

Melody - Thank you for the clarification... I see where you are coming from.

Black Raven - Yes I spoke with her directly. I shared the conversation with my wife. She became a bit emotional at what was said. I told my W that the OMW felt like her H was two people. I told my W that the OMW cried because they had their anniversery some time ago and the OM made his W feel loved and special. My W told me that the OM sent my W two e-mails on his anniversery. This all affected by W deeply. Exposure has really brought all this stuff out and it is hitting my wife hard.

The road - My W has not yet overtly stated she wants back in the marriage. If I put such a huge demand on her right now I think it would prevent her from even considering coming back. I will wait on this one until she makes overt gestures to come back.

I do beleive the affair is over.....for now. I do have access to her cellphone account(without her knowledge) so I will know if contact takes place again.

I still don't know where to go from here. I will look at the LB's and do my best to avoid them. She is still on MAtch.com and I'm not sure how to deal with that even though she said she is not dating anymore. Do I initiate conversation with her. Do I tell her I'm going to stop dating because we are still married. So many details!!!!

I would suggest starting by asking yourself the questions - do you REALLY want to have your WW back in your life, and if so, why. What characteristics about her lead you to believe that she's the person with whom you want to have a lifetime commitment. I'm getting the impression that you're not really sure about taking her back after her adultery, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

OK I have a short term plan. I would love to know what you think. The OM is going through affair withdrawal as is my wife but I think my wife will be a little stronger in this. After my wifes exposure, he was the one that opened it up. My fear is that he will do something like that again. I told my wife he may call her down the road and that she might not want to pick it up. She said she would just to tell him off. We all know that NC means NC and that would not be NC but she doesn't get it yet. I need leverage to prevent her from picking up the phone. She sent me this e-mail a few weeks ago when I told her I didn't want to have any realtionship with her in any form. It's an excerpt.

""I know that I care about you. I care about what you do and what happens to you. I am sorry I hurt you, and saying I didn't mean to, means nothing, I understand. I know that you are still angry with me. I understand, I get it. But I know as well as you do, that we have our children together, and we will always be a big part of each other's life, forever. I want that, I need that for me and for them. I do love you, and I really miss having you in my life, even if just as a friend. I thought we were getting there......""

This e-mail was out of panick after I told her I could have no more relationship with her in any form after I found out she was still talking to the OM (to wrap up lose emotional ends as she put it"

So since she has not overtly come back to the marriage I can use the friendship think as leverage. Tell her that even if the OM tries to contact her she can not respond. If OM tries to slip her a note she should not take it. IF OM calls don't answer. If she wants to work on a friendship then this is what I need. I can then give her the love busters thing and say "this is a two way street and ask her to complete it and I would work on my part. BTW is their a love buster questionairre. I can't find it.?? Please provide feedback. I pick up the kids tonight and plan on e-mailing her this excerpt and say "If you want to be friends like you say then let's talk"

Please advice. Thanks

Tell her you are going to stop dating (because you are married, want to try to reconcile) and stop. If you are serious about attempting R, you dating is kind of a no duh. I think you should tell her you want her to do the same and leave it at that. I would not specifically mention match.com as you can use that later on to see if she is being honest about not dating anymore. Don't give up that resource just yet.

Man in Motion - I am sure about taking her back only if she fights for it and makes the changes I need to see (i.e repentance to God and openess) She was once a very spiritual person but lost all of that. She did say she plans on talking to the preist but not right now. If this doesn't occur then no way would I take her back. If she doesn't prescribe to a marriage rebuilding program then no way.

Black Raven - She has not yet committed to going back to the marriage so I cannot make these demands on her .....yet.

I truly think I need to start with the friendship thing. She knows I will never be her friend while she has contact with the OM and that she understands. I will stop dating but not let her know for now. I will not say I'm dating either. Once I feel the friendship side has blossomed, we will go from there and then I will let her know I have stopped dating. It's too early after the affair to talk about reconciliation. She feels I would never let her forget it so I have to work the freindship thing a while and avoid the LB's.


Make sense???

She is not going to commit to the marriage until she has gotten completely through withdrawal (which she can't as long as she works w/ OM). Now that she and OM are on the outs, I think it would be the perfect time to lay down your marital boundary of getting a different job because she doesn't want to lose both of you.

Thinking your WW is going to commit to the marriage w/o NC and w/o you failing to meet her needs is not going to happen. You need her to leave her job and you to move back in and be patient with her as she gets through withdrawal. That would be the best recipe to recover your marriage. We know what we are talking about. If you came here 6 months ago, we would have told you to expose, and look how that did. You could have saved yourself months of suffering.

Also, if you want the best advice from the most helpful and experienced posters, don't argue with them about the dating thing. Just say, "you are right, I shouldn't be dating," drop it, and focus on the advice they are giving you for getting your wife to commit to the marriage again.

I said this: "I think you should tell her you want her to do the same and leave it at that." Expressing your wish is not a demand. Don't get lost in the things you shouldn't say or do to the point that you aren't doing anything.


If you want to walk on egg shells and let a WS steer the boat.

Floridapad, maybe I am the last one to even offer any advice to you, because like I said to you before, I am only 2 monthes into the realization that my H cheated on me. I too think that many have been very critical on this thread. I know that I am having a hard time with dealing with WH for what he did to me. The hurt you feel is real and instead of being judgemental of you, maybe 1st lets get you through the hurt, just as I need to do. Take it slow, think about what you want. Do you think you could ever forgive WW for cheating on you? If you think you can and you truely want to reconcile, then take it slow, and let her know, that she is the one that created all the hardship, shame, and hurt on you and everyone around you. She must prove that she is worthy of you. Once she has made an effort, then go to the next step. MC is nice and maybe can help you. If you don't think you can live with what she has done, then walk away, free and clear, and don't ever look back. A counselor would be a good idea for you. They are impartial professional who can help you deal with all the grief and hurt you feel. And I want to say, just for the record, I don't think just because you dated 2 women that makes you equal to you WW. We all need to try to rebuild and move on, and I personally think that a seperation, (which in my state you need no piece of paper to be legally seperated, you may act as if you were never married during the seperation period), maybe is what you need. Clear the head and really think long and hard as to what YOU WANT. It is not about her, it is about you and you have to make that decision. You are dealing with all the pain all of us go through when one of our spouses cheats. I think that some on this thread can deal with their grief easier than maybe you or I can. But we are going to survive whatever decisions we make and I really wish you the best of luck.