Hey everyone

I found out that my wife was having an affair about 3 weeks ago. She carried it on for about a week after I confronted her about it. It had only been going on for about 2 weeks when I found out.
About 2 weeks ago she told me that she loves us both and that she was confused about who she wants to stay with.

Things happened, I asked her for a divorce, then changed my mind and told her that I wasn't willing to give up and lose her to some guy she had known for a month or so, after I have known her for almost 9 years (married nearly 5 of them). We have 3 children.

A week ago, she told me that she had told her lover that it was over between them and that she was going to give our marriage 100% effort in getting it back to where it should be. She does love me but has told me that she still loves him, but really wants to keep our family together and therefore is willing to let him go.

One problem with all this is that she works for this guy as his PA, and she really wants to stay working for him. She really likes the work, but I am a little worried because he keeps sending her lyrics to songs with a romantic undertone. I have asked her to ask him to stop that and to no longer text message after hours (they communicate work related stuff by text messages because it is cheaper than calls).

I know I need to get her to quit and have no further contact with him, but I really don't want to give her any ultimatums this close to the beginning of our rebuild, but on the other hand I cannot take it if something happens and they even so much as kiss again.
She also thinks that in time they could be good friends. I�m not so sure of this.

I have told her that if he becomes a problem then she really needs to think about disconnecting totally, but I know she doesn't want to.

I know she really loves me. I see it her eyes and I want to trust her again, but I am finding it very hard to do so.

She is a very religious Christian, and I do wonder if her beliefs are what made her stay with me, but she tells me that is only part of the reason. It really isn't like her to lie, but she did lie about the affair, which makes me wonder how truthful she is being now.

I do have to say that since we started to reconcile, our love life has been far better than it has ever been. We speak all the time, and seem to be much closer than we have ever been. We just seem more in love.

Our marriage was getting a little boring and we had both become so boring and our lives had become one day running into the next.
We had both stopped romancing each other and while I know it was wrong for her to cheat on me, I know how it was possible for it to happen in the first place.

From the beginning, she said that the affair was her fault alone, and that she had no right to do it in the first place. She didn�t, even once try to say that I was no good or horrible or anything like that. In fact, I found out about the affair by finding E-Mails between the OM and her, and not once was there anything nasty in them from her to him.
She is totally willing to take responsibility and she seems to really want our relationship to work.
She answers all of my questions fully and even seems to be able and willing to let me rant and blow off a little steam once in a while.

Last night she told me that she loves me and that she has made the right decision in staying with me.


Am I being an idiot for accepting that she wants to stay working for him?
Does anyone have any advice on how I can approach the subject of her quitting her job without it sounding like I am trying to control her life?

I know that the circumstances of my relationship are not known to anyone other than myself, but any advise is welcome.
Please, no telling me how bad and nasty my wife is. That won't help.

Thanks in advance

Working with OM will not work.

I have never, in 4 + years on this site, seen a case where that worked.

My story is more grim than many, but I think we are going to make it.

Thanks for the reply, but how about a little more on my question on how to approach the subject?

Quin,

There is one strict rule for marital reconciliation after A which is stressed out by dr. Harley and all folks here in the forum:

NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.

Any other option will not work. If you need an example from real life - I have a very good one - myself.

I agreed (more than a year ago) that some professional communication between my W and OM can remain since the project they were working with was ending soon anyway and OM was working abroad.

Well, after 9 months I discovered that they met couple of times in secret and the communication was far from professional. They planned secretly to meet and "to move somewhere quieter after that" again when I finally intercepted the emails.

You are going to live through the same kind of false recovery if you do not insist to change the job.

The fact that she likes the job doesn't matter anymore. The line is crossed and it is not your fault. There is only two options for her now - either quit the job or set you two up for marital disaster.

Concerning how to communicate the inevitable to your WW - you can be a broken record saying "I am convinced that our marriage cannot survive without NC. Every connection, even smallest professional ones between you two, cuts like a knife through my heart". Speak about your feelings, not how nasty or bad your WW is by not ending the contact. And actually, they are not nasty or bad, they are just lost and need you desperately to help them out.

Probably you will be accused being weak or being controlling - ignore that. It is very typical reaction when you try to withdraw an addict from their source of addiction. I know, you are afraid to push your WW (I was exactly like you!) but by not actually standing up for a right thing you are enabling the affair not ending it.

I'm not sure about telling your WW about MB site as referral for the fact that NC is a must. Read as much as you can here but do not tell your WW about this site until the affair is over (and it is not over before the NC although your WW tries to convince you it is!).

Btw, is the OM married? Have you exposed the affair? If not, do it - BUT DO NOT WARN your WW or OM about it! The very common mistake many BS do (incl myself) is to warn OM (if you do not end the affair I will tell your W) - this will backfire, I'll guarantee. Of course, first reaction is that exposure is too drastic or vindictive. But the situation is drastic and calls drastic measures which are not vindictive but meant to kill the A and save your family.

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE while there is still contact.

The AFFAIR is still ON!

There is no good way to broach the subject. Maybe print out the infidelity articles from this site and show them to her.

You need to expose this affair to your family, your wife's family and friends, neighbours; Other scumbags family too especially his wife. Tell people your wife is having an affair with her boss and you are asking for their support in repairing your marriage.

Exposure is to an affair what chemotherapy is to cancer.

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.
My H had an EA with a coworker. After discovery of the A, I kicked him out, but we, like you and your W, realized we wanted the M (while he was still working with OW). He will now be the FIRST person to tell you that Recovery is not possible while still working with OP.

Just looking at OP will trigger the addictive feelings&thoughts...and once he left the workplace, he admitted this was true ~ even tho he really didn't want the EA anymore.

This is what Dr. Harley says about this:

I basically told my H it was a boundary of mine that he not work with OW. I think it is OK for you to let her know your M will not work if she stays there, matter of factly. You need to be confident when you say this so maybe read some of the threads around here...you will quickly see that the A does not end when the affair partners still have contact.

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it.

I see from what has been said that I have to do what I need to do.

I have to get her to quit the job and have no contact with him from then on.

Let me know if this is the correct track to be on...

I know for a fact that there is no more dating/sexual side to their relationship. It is strictly business.

I will follow plan A for a while. I am going to make her know that I am the best man on the face of the planet for her, and then in a while I will give her the news that she has to quit and have no further contact with him at all, or lose me.

Any thoughts please?

I think you're being played by your WW. How do you know "for a fact" that the A is no longer continuing? They could be boinking on top of his desk every day for all you know - waywards can be VERY good at hiding their activities, particularly if they know that they're being watched.

Frankly, I think she's trying to manipulate you into thinking that her continuing to work with the OM could actually be an acceptable option.

Exposure could be a powerful tool here to break up that A. Is the OM M'd?

How did you catch your WW?

WW has an addiction to the OM. As with any addict WW can not be around her source of addiction. WW must have NC for life with the OM.

As has been pointed out they can be going at it on his desk every day, and WW still is home when she should be.

You must expose this affair to WW's parents and her siblings, and the OMW. Do not warn WW that you will expose just do it without warning.

WW must hand over all internet accounts and passwords, and cell phone and password to verify NC.

Continued contact will cause the affair to restart.

Wake up SHL, OM is a problem NOW so don't wait for the problem to get bigger and bigger. Is he married? If so expose to his wife and expose the A to family and friends who you think can be of influence on your wife. Don't believe anything out of her mouth. This is a pivotal time that can save you a lot of grief down the road. WW can not work with OM. You will kick yourself if you ever go along with this. The A is far from over.

I would wait about 15 minutes and then let her know that your marriage cannot recover unless all contact ends for life. Possibly 20 minutes. But you shouldn't wait longer than today. Just tell her that your marriage cannot recover unless she leaves the job. This cannot wait. Tell her you cannot live like this. Trying to butter her up in Plan A is nothing more than a delaying tactic that will enable the affair to become more entrenched. She wants to stay there so she can continue her affair. And she will stay as long as you tolerate that kind of abuse. It will be at the expense of your mental health, I assure you.

And no, her affair is not over. She has just changed the name to "business contact" from "adultery." Every time she sees him is a relapse of her affair.

Is the man married and has the affair been exposed to his wife? In addition, I would confront this scumbag after you tell his wife and let him know that hell is coming if he touches your wife again.

p.s. we have some here who waited too long and their wives are PREGANT by the OM. That is the risk you take by allowing the affair to become more and more entrenched by doing nothing about it.

Hi there SHL,

I read your mail yesterday and was surprised by your name at that time. I'm a little further South of you on the map.

The rule of thumb is to go nuclear on exposure. Expose to her church, children and friends all at one time. Trust me, she will be seriously miffed. You need to change the subject when she corners you on exposure. NC is the only solution at this time - forever. She needs to write a NC note which you will vet.

You really do need to spend some time at the articles here to see whether you are meeting her EN's at a minimum of 15 hours per week.

Highly recommended at this site is to purchase Dr Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". Continue reading the articles here to get the details of Plan A and plan B.

Regardless of what she has said, you need to follow her religious example and pray.

The OM is divorced, so telling his wife won't work. His mother knows about it and she gave him hell about it.

I know that you all think I am being stupid about this, but I do believe my wife when she tells me that the sexual side of the affair is over, but I do wonder why she wants to work for him so badly.

It may be because she wants to jump his bones at work, but I tend to think that isn't the reason.

I think it is that she doesn't want to hurt him. Funny, I'll hurt him in a second.

Anyway, I'll figure it out sooner than later.

Thanks all.

It's not that you're stupid but it's a complete failure to understand the nature and dynamic of an affair.

You are thinking of your WW as the wife you have always known and loved...and not as an addict who will lie to your face and manipulate you to keep getting hits off the crackpipe (seeing OM).

You are in a bit of denial...and if you continue on this path, you will be back here at some point telling us "you were all right" as we have seen time and again. Good luck.

Let me stress what others have said here. She must end ALL contact with OM - FOR LIFE! This must start not next year, next month, or next week. It must start NOW. Immediately. Today.

You have a powerful weapon to bust up this A. You said: What is a PA - paralegal? So in other words, is she an employee? A strongly worded letter to the company would put pressure on OM to end all contact immediately. There is a great letter that has been posted on the Board in the past that is very legal, mentioning possible sexual harassment and illegal use of company time and resources. Perhaps someone can post it here. I will try to find it as well.

Regardless of whether she likes her work, this should be non-negotiable. She ended her right to work there when she had the A. Recovery of your M will not begin until this happens.

I was the primary breadwinner at the time of my A, AND I carried our insurance. My A was with a fellow teacher. I got lucky; the OM decided he didn't like teaching after all and was going back to school. But me quitting would have been the only solution. I don't know how we would have made it financially, but that was part of the bed I made. To be honest, one of the bast days of my life was the day OM finally moved to another state so I didn't have to worry about running into him at Wal Mart.

She probably won't like this, and she may fight against it, but a tightened belt will be worth it when your marriage is restored. She may actually think she won't continue with him. I told myself several times "I will never email again; I will never answer another text." It never worked. I was too foggy.

Found it from an old Mel post, so props to Mel! I love this letter:

"I know that you all think I am being stupid about this"

You are the Grand Master of understatement. Denial is not a river in EYGPT. It is the land of delusion you are choosing to live in.

"but I do believe my wife when she tells me that the sexual side of the affair is over, but I do wonder why she wants to work for him so badly."

Because she want's the sex to continue.

"It may be because she wants to jump his bones at work, but I tend to think that isn't the reason."

"I think it is that she doesn't want to hurt him. Funny, I'll hurt him in a second."

Though you will allow contact to continue so WW can still bang the OM.