I am confused. Others are telling me to stick with plan A for awhile. I wonder, because my Husband is so ego-centric if I should stick with plan A for a little longer. He needs to have his ego fed constantly. Also because I just exposed. Girls are already not speaking to him, so he already has the feeling that he has lost them. So what do I do now? I don't know if husband is going to tell her I called. Without consulting the board, I asked him not to if he didn't have to. I can change my mind I guess and contact him again

claygal, stick to Plan A for about 3-4 weeks. It shouldn't go longer than that.

Why did you ask him not to tell her?? I am confused. That was the goal of exposure. She should know who told him. The OWH is planning on telling her he knows about the affair, right?

Ya, I don't really know why I asked him not to tell her I called. I guess I thought it would be better, maybe she would come clean to him without knowing. I just wanted him to know what was going on. I guess mistake on my part. I can email him and tell him to come clean with my phone call

claygal, he should not be playing childish cat and mouse games with her. He should walk in like a grown up and just be HONEST. "I got a phone call from Mrs A and she told me all about your affair with her H." That is all it takes. No games. Just straight out there.

What did he plan on doing about the affair? Do you think he sounded like he had the nads to put a stop to it?

Mel, Im not sure how he was going to approach it. He was amazingly calm. He told me he didn't want a divorce. I asked for his help in that my husband has said he eventually wants to come back to the family, but I refuse to let that happen unless I know that all contact is completely over.

I'm not even so sure about this. I have been lied to so many times that I don't know if there is anyway of knowing that it is over or that they won't try to start up again.

I am almost more hurt by the things he has said to me, such as "you dont understand the way I feel about her" he even told a friend of ours that she was his soul mate. How am I supposed to get over that? What makes it worse for everyone is that she was a previous girl friend. Will he ever get over her?

I go one day from wanting to save my family, to the next feeling like my husband is so deceitful that I can never trust him. He really is good at lying to my face, and has done it over and over again.

This morning I don't feel like I have any strength. I am so tired of this.

claygal, most affairs have very intense feelings, and they still end up with fully recovered passionate marriages. Don't go by the way he feels now, because it won't be that way when he withdraws from the OW. There are no guarantees, but there is no reason to give up hope.

If you could get the OWH to confront her and end her contact with your H it would be very helpful. Will he help you kill the affair? If you are both working on killing it, it is more likely to die.

You spent quite a bit of time trying to "convince" your H to end his A...and as a result, you heard a lot of his fogbabble about OW which was clearly very painful. But just remember those are the words of an addict and you can't base much on that.

You just finally started your Plan A, and so far you are doing a great job. Stay the course. You will make it.

Got an email from OW this morning telling ME that I hard hurt HER again. I replied that I wasn't the one that started the pain. She even said that she was not the problem in my marriage! lol

Find her a clip video somewhere of that 'world's smallest record player playing 'I cry for you' on it' and send it to her.

claygal, be careful you don't let OW suck you into her drama especially if you are feeling down. It's easy to loose focus when your emotions are bouncing all over the place.

Also because your emotions can get the best of you, you might want to start writing down questions as they come to mind or make notes of details or things said so you can look back on them when you have more time to think things through and proceed accordingly.

I'm not. I only replied to her that she and my husband were the ones who started the pain for everyone. That she WAS the problem in my marriage. That I didn't do this to 'hurt' anyone, but i was trying to protect my family and her husband had the right to know. then I asked her to take me off of her email contacts. Don't know if she is going to tell husband, she says she isn't, but I don't elieve her. So far, no response from him, so I don't think he knows about phone call, yet...

BR - what kinds of questions do you mean?

Be prepared for WH's anger when he finds out you exposed to the OW'sBH.

Don't engage with him, and practice saying "I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage"

He very well may say alot of mean stuff, just keep repeating the above; he'll cool down eventually.


Once defogged, he'll look back on how STRONG you're being and THANK you for fighting for your family.

Been practicing that and preparing for fallout should it happen. Won't let him get to me

It sounds like you handled the OW well!

There should be a function on your email where you can block her messages.

Questions that you may have down the road to fill in the blanks. Maybe the details aren't important to you now and maybe they never will be, but if you do want details down the road at least you have reference to the things you found odd or don't make sense. You can compare what H has told you (if he has disclosed anything other than the obvious) to what OWH or OW tell you...or what seems plausible if you can't believe anybody.

Many BS try to piece the puzzle together. I thought if you kept record of any questions you might have: Did he give her any gifts? Was he with on X day when he was supposed to be at Y? It would help you so you don't have to recreate the wheel later on. Such details can help you in R if you need to rely on them to rebuild trust with your WH. Has the answer changed? Did I ever ask him about this or that?

Remind me, is your WH still out of the family home?

What are your requirements to letting him back into the M? Do you have a list?

What are your consequences should he break those boundaries?

I don't think I need anymoe info on the actual Affair. I know that since we live so far apart, they were only together a few times. Mostly it has been emails and chatting. I don't think details are important to my recover.

My husband is still living outside of the house. I have given him some requirements.
I need to be SURE there is NC.
Access to all of his account and all passwords
He needs to go to counseling to work on his issues,
and we need to start counseling or some sort of recovery plan BEFORE he can come back.
I am thinking of adding that he needs to change email and phone numbers, but in the high tech age, I know he could just find a way to contact her.