Been working on this marriage for some time. She refuses to go to counseling. Just wants to 'be happy' and 'have peace' without any work involved. Refused to engage in the marriage for the first 3 years.

Found out she was having 'inappropriate conversations' as she characterized it, with a guy in July. Also that she rented a house, but did not tell me about it. She felt as though I was going to 'kick her out' at any moment and she needed a place to land. She did nothing to try to stay together, she simply prepared to part.

Since finding those things out, and sticking with her, she has become much more loving. She still has minimal SF, about twice a month maybe. She is kinder to me, but still her baseline affect is anger and hostility. She is constantly upset at her girls and still almost completely ignores my boys.

We wax and wane, but in reality we are only a little better and it feels like it is only wax on a rusty paint job. She became angry at me when I told her she hurt my feelings the other day. She spouted off to her friend about how 'bad' I am and how 'stupid' it was for me to feel that way.

I have found that there is little hope that anything will change. Since day one, literally, we have been on the ropes. She just wants peace... she doesn't want anything to 'go wrong' meaning she doesn't want me to say or do anything which would rock the boat. She wants me essentially to ignore our problems and pretend like everything is OK. She wants to pretend like I have no needs other than what she wishes to provide for.

I found out she was online a couple weeks ago on an adult sex site. She was looking for 'discreet encounters on the side' and had been apparently IMing someone. I don't think anything happened, but this occurred when we were at 'our best'.

I just don't think that there is anything worthwhile in this marriage any longer. I have tried to be there despite any problems which have occurred, showing her that I am not going to leave. But she simply takes advantage.

How did/do you have the strength to just call it quits and separate? I am not even sure separation is the best option, divorce might be best. Just call it a loss and move on.

I don't want a divorce, but I truely see nothing long term in this marriage.

You should ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving An Affair. She is having an affair - duh, why else would she buy a house? - and you have a chance of getting your OLD wife back (right now she is an alien in your wife's body). But you need the advice from the people who read that section.