I found out my husband was cheating with a coworker who has never been married and goes from man to man, she just likes to screw other peoples lifes up. Anyway, we are trying to work things out and are in counseling, but how do I forget everything I found out and go on with my life

Hello there
Im new to this site but I had to reply to your post as I am in the exact same position, husband had a 2 month affair with co worker who has a tendency to only go after taken men and has destroyed many families within the company where they work, people will tell you to concentrate on your relationship and forget about the other woman but my point of view is that you need to understand why was your husband so naive as to fall for someone who has such a bad track record. In my case the fact that my husband has chosen such a vile person to have an affair with is what makes the situation feel hopeless, the fact that he was with someone so dirty makes me feel dirty.
How are you coping with the fact that they are coworkers? how is councelling going? I really hope things are getting better but I also wanted to let you know that I understand the situation you are in.

You probably are looking at two years to recover your M. Its that or Plan D. I can assure you if you stay in your M there is no short cut. You will need time and lots of it. Read everything on this site. Expose his A so it never happens again. I'm assuming you've told his parents, siblings, children what he has done to you and your family. DUDE

Are they still working together?

Brutallyhonest28 I recommend you start a new thread/topic for yourself. You'll get some pearls of wisdom that will help you and your own situation.

it is nice to be able to talk about my situation as I haven't shared my feelins with anyone except the counselor. I still love the jerk for some reason and don't want our kids and family to know because they would never forgive him. Don't know why I worry about protecting his feelings when he didn't think about mine when he was with this lowlife -- sometimes I just want to scream it out and let the chips fall where they fall, but then again I do love him and he is really trying to make it up to me. It is over with this cheapgirl but I still can't forget -- thanks for your response

I haven't told anyone because I want to make us work and if I did they would never look at him the same and I don't want to do that. I know I had a part in our problems but I never strayed I just want us to work and be happy and I feel if I told anyway they would be taking sides and telling me to leave him. I always said if I was ever cheated on I would be gone, but I never expected to be in this situation and I don't want us to split -- I just want to forget. I hope you can understand my thoughts, I suppose everyone handles this in their own way

same company but she got transferred to a different department, large corporation. She probably slept with the new boss too

Ok ,you don't know me, butlisten to me...You are real foggy right now. You are in a nightmare. You have to take control of the situation. You are going to have to expose this to your friends/family. YOU NEED THEM NOW MORE THAN EVER AND THEY NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAS GONE DOWN. You need to tell his parents, siblings, and children so that he has ultimate accountability. There is no short cut. You must do it. Please, I was where you were 18 months ago. You can do this. He is a big boy and RISKED EVERYTHING. DUDE

is that how you handled it -- I don't want to tell anyone

Brokenheart all i can say is that i see where your coming from I wanted to protect him and to protect my loved ones and although i didnt consider not tell them for long when they did find out i protected him , I told him to tell them because i needed their support and although i felt humiliated im also the type of person who cant keep secrets and really hate secrets. When his family came down hard on him i supported him and explained about how vile/manipulative the other woman was. They forgave him because I didnt abandon him and i didnt tell them about all the negative things that he has done since, i only tell them the good parts because i want them to be there for him too, The cheater is also human and they need support from their loved ones too to make sense of what they did. So my advice to you would be dont tell them but encourage your partener to tell them because if he really loved you and wants the relationship to work he would want you to get the support you deserve, and i mean support not pity, judgment but pure support from your loved ones and ofcourse he will benefit from the same support if he does the right thing (which he seems to be doing in going to councelling and trying to work things out).

Brokenheart, can you tell us a little more?
How long ago did you find out?
Who knows? No one, even at work?

Well, you probably will not forget, as you should not. If they are still working together, though, your marriage will never recover and you are probably looking at years of on-again, off again affair. We have numerous affairs on this forum that turned into 4,5, 10 year affairs because the affairees still worked together. I don't know of any recovered marriages where the affairees continued to work together.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

I found out on August 10 after reading his emails to that lowlife woman. I kind of knew in my heart before and asked him but he denied everything and told me on August 6 that he had told her their phone calls / texts were done and he wasn't going to contact her anymore, so that gives me some peace of mind that he told me about the EA before I found out about the PA even though he lied until I confronted him with undeniable proof. He says he loves me and is so sorry and wants us to work to get back to where we used to be and that is my goal also, but it is still hard. Every time we are in bed I am wondering if he wishes he was with her

sounds like we think alot alike. I only want what is best for me and my kids and I think I can make it work with him as long as I know I am now the priority and not that no good __ORE. One day at a time that is all I can do. I don't think he will want to tell his family as they already consider him the blacksheep and treat him like crap. They are Italian and want to keep up appearances and be phony, but my family isn't the greatest either. Like they say you don't choose your family. If I could go back in time I would change many things but it is too late to do that, I just want to go forward with him and try to get over his deception and I am trying but it is very hard

well in my case im the one in the italian family and no there were little support to be honest their line of care was "your a mum of 4 kids therefore you must endure and he is a man and thats just what men do sometimes" ARGHHHHH i still get angry at their archeic thinking but hey you cant choose your family. so if thats not an option for you then how about friends, his best friend for example and your best friend, you guys cant do this alone a councellor doesent know you as well as people you ineract with everyday so they may be able to offer you a differt kind of support if you were able to confide in them atleast. What im getting at is i dont see how you keeping what happened between you can help you truly move on rather than just put a patch on a scar and hope it holds up

I thought his best friend was my friend also but i found out that he was helping them hook up and lying to me so he is not an option. As for my best friends they both think he is such a great husband and he love me so much and I am so lucky, yada yada - so I don't want to tell them. It is hard not being able to express my true feelings

Ouch thats harsh, Has his best friend apologised to you? is he still a family friend? i ask this because i would feeling insecure knowing my husband has an alibi should he want to stray again. Its a shame you dont feel like you can talk to your friends but i appreciate that its the way you feel. As far as moving on how are you fining the councelling? what bits are you struggling to recover from? have you considered writing down how you feel for your own use because i get the impression that as you love your husband so much you might still be bottling things up from him and with the firends and family situation being what it is where is your outlet?

he is not my friend I actually have to see him every day at work and just try to ignore him. He has said nothing to me but I feel it is not his problem, I just have better friends than my husband chooses, my friends would let me have it if I was cheating, that is why I want to talk about this and can't with them because they think my WH is so great - if they only knew the truth. I am thinking of leaving everything tomorrow so I can get on, even though I think my husband wants this to work he doesn't want to discuss -- he did apologize and everything and seems to think I should just forget about his whore, like he wrecked my car or something. This is harder to deal with than antyhtin in my life