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Originally Posted by doingfine
do you not see these as feelings? you would not have so much hate for this person had she never become the OW, she would just be another co-worker, but, because of what she has done to you, and has hurt you with her antics, you have such disdain for her, this is a feeling from the A, this is a direct result of the A, its feelings like this that you face everyday, right wrong indifferent, its because you see her everyday. These my dear are feelings,
and Im very sorry for your child, its something a parent should never have to deal with, so for that Im sorry.

I guess the problem is that when I sit here and analyse I can make these feelings understood and post, but when im at work and see OW I just simply feel nothing. If I felt instant hate or disgust then that would make my W more comfortable. Because I dont hate her in person my W believes im more likely to reoffend with OW, which is never going to happen in a million years.

Its ok it was a long time ago now and bless him, he's a wonderful little 5 year old at school now smile He still needs assistance as he spent the first 13 months of his life in hospial baring a couple of short ventures home.


Originally Posted by imanotherone
The reason I brought up the STD is that it took four pages of inquiry before it came up (and I was the one who mentioned it, not you). In your wife's post, it comes up in the first paragraph.
You see, to full accept responsibility, you have to acknowledge the things that are important to your WIFE. The fact that you are devoid of emotions is not as big a betrayal to her as the fact that you gave her an STD because you put your genitals into a sewer pipe.
Perhaps you should read more about what your wife finds deplorable, and address THOSE issues ahead of your own. But don't post on her thread. She should not have to face you there. Bring it back here.


Ewww.... not loving that analogy, although on second thoughts the sewer pipe probably would have been more responsive, cleaner and caused me a lot less problems but moving on......

I can do that, thanks for the ideas, but I may need help implementing them as I dont know how to make someone elses opinions my own. I can try to take on board her feelings and discuss with her any issues but its still her trigger at the end of the day, not mine???


Originally Posted by TogetherAlone
I don't think yllan has posted on his wife's thread. BH28 used her husband's login accidentally when she used the other household computer.

yes and I feel thoroughly violated :-p


Originally Posted by imanotherone
No, I wasn't implying that he had...sorry. Yes, I noticed his wife had posted under his screen name. But EVENTUALLY, one spouse ends up posting on the other's in rebuttal. I was trying to avoid that situation. It's best to keep the two threads separate so they have a "safe place" to vent. KWIM?

We've spoken about this and we are respecting each others personal space...... so far :-p




Originally Posted by TogetherAlone
yllan, I too am very sorry to hear about your son and his health problems. That must have been difficult to deal with, and I'm sure must have affected you both.

If it's accurate that your sense of coldness stemmed from that time - and only you can truly search your heart on that one - then I think you probably need some counselling and some help with how to deal with situations like that without closing down.

In crisis situations, we are either overwhelmed and unable to think, or we put emotions aside in order to deal with the problem at hand. With your son's emergency, it seems that BH did the first (very normal, especially for a mother with a child), and you did the second (it often is the father who's able to put emotions aside and handle the situation).

The thing is, putting aside the emotion is supposed to be a temporary arrangement. When the crisis is over, we should then process the emotions we put on hold, and get back to being our usual emotional self. Some professionals, such as doctors and firemen, have to learn to move in and out of emotional set-aside all the time. Occasionally even they get stuck in the cold zone, and wreck their marriages and happiness.

It may be that there are still many, many emotions - such as the sense of panic, the fear of failing your child, anger at BH's freezing and leaving it to you, fear of having to step up on future occasions - that still need to be processed.

This is a very intelligent post, are you a councillor yourself or been through the system after A??? Sorry to be rude but thought i'd ask smile

Again the sad thing is that ive sought help professionally for these EXACT issues but no-one seemed qualified? to help me. Whats really annoying me (discussed in another thread) is the difference between UK and US therapists. Of all the professional help I know of people recieving, only one was any good and able to make a difference!!?! The four pro's i've seen have all been emotionally timid themselves lol

The blind leading the blind???

As ive said before im very dense when it comes to emotions and understanding needs etc... so the whole putting emotions aside and then coming back to revisit them later is beyond me. I would have forgotton within hours and have no way to revisit them?? Anyway if anyone has ideas to help with these issues seeing as the pros cant help , let me know.

I'd sooner talk to people with experience than a book taught shrink anyway smile


Quote
Perhaps you could discuss with BH whether there were changes in your marriage after that time?

Thanks for the idea, I'll touch on that tonight and report back with any relevant information


Quote
As for the thrush... I had thrush on and off for two years. I couldn't understand why it kept coming back. After d-day, it dawned on me that FWH had been passing it between me and OW - it's transportable via the penis, although does not affect the owner of the penis. Ironically, I also realised that I was the one who originally passed it to her. I told FWH that I had the problem, not realising that it was for anything other than informing him of my discomfort. Affairs lead to so many unexpected problems.

Wow that must have been very hard for you to deal with?

Im personally working on this, IMANOTHERONE pointed out that I need to overhaul the way im addressing OUR relationship issues, try to find a way to put hers first even if I dont fully understand or feel as passionate about wont be easy. Any advice on how I can take her issues on as my own??

Originally Posted by McLovin
No, I would ask that you come up with words to use other than ones considered profane. Even with * added, the words still read as profanity, and that is not acceptable here. Myself and the Harleys thank you for your cooperation.

McLovin,
MBDB Moderator

But I need to be angry at OW, and 'OW' doesnt always cut it lol

Ok understood I'll behave


Last edited by yllanoitomE; 11/03/09 12:08 PM.

WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Being emotionally distant is not a crime. It's bad for your marriage, and you can deal with it, but more importantly, you have to OWN your mistakes.
Downplaying the significance of things that your wife views as monumental is not helping.


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I just simply feel nothing


We aren't born this way. As children we have no problem expressing our emotions... fear, anger, hurt, sadness, happiness, joy. Then life happens, we mature, and we're taught to reign in our emotions and maintain a healthy balance. What you describe is not a healthy balance, it's unnatural and unhealthy to your marriage.

I feel bad for your wife because it would be hard to live with a man like you. Not only are you emotionally void, but you have betrayed her in the worst possible way and continue to do so everytime you walk into that job. The adultery may be over for you but it isn't for her. You may as well go ahead and sleep with OW again because the pain you are causing now with your continued lack of empathy for your wife is just as bad.

Oh, and you can do whatever you WANT/CHOOSE to do. There is NO reason good enough that you have to stay at that job. Money comes and goes. Your marriage is your number one priority (or at least it should be). If it means quitting your job and having to scrimp to get by for awhile, selling some stuff, whatever... then that's what you should do. Today.

I don't know if you are a believer, but if you do the right thing, trust God to handle the details. I think you'd be amazed at how things work out if you take the right steps. In other words, He will if you will.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling these words will fall on deaf ears... because you have basically admitted your lack of ability to empathize with your hurting wife. And that's so sad.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
I just simply feel nothing


We aren't born this way. As children we have no problem expressing our emotions... fear, anger, hurt, sadness, happiness, joy. Then life happens, we mature, and we're taught to reign in our emotions and maintain a healthy balance. What you describe is not a healthy balance, it's unnatural and unhealthy to your marriage.

I feel bad for your wife because it would be hard to live with a man like you. Not only are you emotionally void, but you have betrayed her in the worst possible way and continue to do so everytime you walk into that job. The adultery may be over for you but it isn't for her. You may as well go ahead and sleep with OW again because the pain you are causing now with your continued lack of empathy for your wife is just as bad.

Oh, and you can do whatever you WANT/CHOOSE to do. There is NO reason good enough that you have to stay at that job. Money comes and goes. Your marriage is your number one priority (or at least it should be). If it means quitting your job and having to scrimp to get by for awhile, selling some stuff, whatever... then that's what you should do. Today.

I don't know if you are a believer, but if you do the right thing, trust God to handle the details. I think you'd be amazed at how things work out if you take the right steps. In other words, He will if you will.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling these words will fall on deaf ears... because you have basically admitted your lack of ability to empathize with your hurting wife. And that's so sad.

Hi and thanks for posting.

I couldnt agree more, Ive said for ages its not normal how I am and feel but despite seeking help Ive not been able to make any progress.

See before the A I was the same person but because there was trust and no MAJOR issues we got on well with our relationship. However since the A has single handily destroyed my wife and our relationship my lack of emotions is being highly visable

Ok look I appreicate the job issue is critical to the recovery and as im typing this reply my CV is printing waiting to be faxed to a company a friend works with, for an ideal job that shes putting a good word in for.

Im not a believer but my wife was a christian, but lost her faith years ago when our baby was sick. She wants to find her way back, but I guess needs a little strength and belief.


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Are you an any regular medication? AD's?

Do you drink alcohol at all?

Do you smoke weed on occasion?

Do you take any non-perscription drugs?





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I guess the problem is that when I sit here and analyse I can make these feelings understood and post, but when im at work and see OW I just simply feel nothing. If I felt instant hate or disgust then that would make my W more comfortable. Because I dont hate her in person my W believes im more likely to reoffend with OW, which is never going to happen in a million years


you are back peddling, don't do it. You can't convince me that you feel nothing when you see this person.
this is why everyone is trying to convince you to not work with this person anymore. You are not being transparent with your W, you are withholding pertinent information from her, if I can see it from here, she can see it from there.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
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GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
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Tst

I did try AD's for a while no help
We dont really drink - special occasions maybe but even then never get drunk.
I am very against any drugs, have never even tried a cigarette, so definitley no weed etc.
Never have taken non prescription drugs a part from mutivitamins, and pain medication like paracetamol/aspirin etc.


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Still waters run deep. Just because you SHOW no emotion toward the OW, doesn't mean you FEEL no emotion. Don't kid yourself.


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Originally Posted by imanotherone
Still waters run deep. Just because you SHOW no emotion toward the OW, doesn't mean you FEEL no emotion. Don't kid yourself.

Ok I feel I've been pushed to this. Below I've pasted the private NC letter I gave to OW. I've edited all the profanities with ** so theres no clue as to what it was, but I couldnt remove them completely as you guys need to understand the severity of the letter.

You all seem to believe I still feel something for OW, am still seeing OW or will fall back to OW just because im still working with her.

If you do decide to read it you'll hopefully understand why im getting frustrated at answering the same questions regarding absent feelings towards OW that you dont believe ARE actually absent.

To the moderators, you have my word that this is the last rude/profane/graphic literature I will post but I feel its important to get people understanding my side of this horrid story.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED - THIS CONTAINS VERY GRAPHIC MATERIAL AND EDITED PROFANITIES.


Enough is enough! I�ve stayed quiet for the sake of my job as I actually wish to provide for my kids. I don�t expect someone who chooses to abandon their kid every time an opportunity for sex comes around to understand! And now you feel like you have some right to insult me and my family? What the ** ? My hair didn�t bother you when you were getting what you wanted did it?

I didn�t even know that you existed for the 8 months before we got involved, you were just a �nobody� at work and should have stayed that way, I ** hate the day I ever met you. How dare you ** insinuate that you didn�t know I was married, we had started spending time together outside of work before I even told you that my wife and I were separated and even then you didn�t give a ** as you didn�t ask me anything about it!! I wasn�t even �into you� but you made yourself so damn easy and available that I was sucked in to your sick little game. But that didn�t bother you as this had already happened with at least 3 other �involved� men that I have personally spoken too, �Paula�s partner ring a bell?�

Do you remember when you told me that you always liked me from the first time you saw me? And I told you the same. Well truth is as I said I don�t even remember you before we got involved let alone found you attractive. In fact even after what we�ve been through I look at you know and can�t believe that no matter how messed up I was, that I ever saw anything in you; you�re completely hideous.

Have you got any idea how ** annoying it is to spend time with someone so self involved that every conversation MUST be turned onto themselves. All that time spent in my car was so ** painful just talking about you, you and you. That�s why I needed a drink to numb me sometimes.

As for the cinema trip, I don�t remember anything about it except for my wallet being lighter when we left. Were you even there?? Your company isn�t worth **, you�re only interested if the conversation is on you, which now I see is because you�re the only person that�s important in your life, including your own daughter.

I can�t believe I wasted so much time and energy texting you as much as I did, when I could have been texting my wife who is actually worth caring about. I just wish I hadn�t lost sight of how much I loved my wife and made this wretched mistake, and especially with someone so worthless.

Do you really believe that I loved you? Sorry to inform you but your completely unlovable, you�re a ** and a horrible manipulative **. I only said it to keep you happy as I felt sorry for you but I could NEVER love you. You tried to convince me that you have had commitment issues in the past and that�s why you were single, but hey news flash, it�s because you�re a pathetic user.

When I ended our time together, I believe I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with you whether I stayed with my wife or not but just in case you�re in doubt I�ll clear it up. I was being polite, I realised how much I still loved my wife and was trying to let you down gently, something I wish now that I hadn�t bothered doing, you deserved to feel as much pain as my family did at your hands. You may have suffered a little humiliation over the following months but that is nothing compared to what you should have suffered you home wrecking **.

It�s pathetic that your entire social life is with people from work; no wonder you�re so manipulative; if you lost your job or work colleagues you�d be completely alone. It�s ironic that your house and family is in just as much of a mess as your life. What a pig-sty, perfect for little miss piggy to live.

Did it bother you that I didn�t give a ** when you tried to make me jealous with all the male attention you were getting?? They only wanted easy meaningless sex with the store **��. The fact is you don�t just play the part; you look the part with your dyed hair in ponytails and your saggy breasts.

I find it hilarious that for someone who�s been ridden more times than the Gatwick express that you�re so ** and lifeless in bed?? You were quick enough to openly strip off like a pro and get into bed but it stopped there. You didn�t even know what you were doing?? Your attempts to touch me intimately were shameful and as you noticed I couldn�t even get hard for you. How embarrassing for you lol. Even in bed you are so selfish, you are a taker with no intent to please. You have absolutely no idea how to please a man!! Which considering your experience just shows exactly how self obsessed you are. Supposedly this is the thing in life your best at, seducing men! Wow you better go find a new hobby lol


Do you realise even a professional hooker knows to use protection!! I didn�t know what the hell I was doing and yet still I managed to bring condoms. At least I knew I was clean but Jesus your record is disgusting, you�ve been a ** for years, have you ever used protection? You�re a filthy, cheap, nasty ** and you have NO standards what-so-ever.

You weren�t even aware that I had had a vasectomy so didn�t it bother you that you could fall pregnant?? Another unwanted baby?? Another great example of your motherly instincts�..

Even after one of the two times we were intimate you didn�t even get up and clean up, just how disgusting are you? Do you really have no standards what so ever?? You�re nothing but a crusty **.

And as for the cuddling up after, the only thing I remember is being attacked by your disgusting man stubble!!

Rest assured I�m never going near a travel lodge again its just the right place to take a low life like you as its as shabby as you are and I bet you knew that too when you�re the one who chose it, have you no class? I don�t want a single thought about you, you filthy **.

I still wonder if you use the sob story of being raped to dupe men into bed. As that�s the only reason I ever even went near you again I felt sorry for you, it's shocking and disgusting that you would go that far; I have spoken to your best friend of that time period and she indicates that nothing of the sort ever happened.

It�s was disgusting having image flashbacks of you and your fat scabby body near mine, but now you're back to being a 'nobody' where you belong. After standing in front of my wife and pretending to be a nice person and lying to her face you�re lucky I had enough self restraint not to make your life a living hell, but don�t worry there�s still time 

In true stereotypical fashion me being the man and married and you being single everybody assumes that i'm the ** for cheating and using you�� lucky we both know that wasn�t the case. You sank your filthy claws into me when I was vulnerable with your �game plan� that you have perfected from your previous conquests.

Look at our records; I have NEVER cheated on any partners and I�ve been faithfully married for 9 years! I�ve only EVER slept with my wife as sex is something which means a lot to me which is why I am so disgusted with myself and feel so unclean now I�ve wasted myself on you. And I have to live with that forever��

Can you say the same? Lol Well I�m already the fourth �taken� man you�ve got involved with just from the store alone! And that�s just that I know about! Emily�s dad was one of 4 (four) blokes you slept with (also from the store) inside one week lol You truly are the store ** and you should think yourself lucky for getting hold of a decent bloke like myself you cheap **.

Being with you has shown me how truly amazing my wife is and we are stronger than ever now. In a strange way I guess I should thank you, if you weren�t such a filthy human specimen I might have forgotten what an amazing life partner I already have. Now ** off out of my life for good��.


IDEA:
Heres a thought for you all, could it be that after writing this letter which as you can see contains a lot of emotion that having had an outlet to deal with my emotions that they are dealt with and therefore no longer prevailing.

History of letter - I sent this letter approx 3 months after D-Day (Jan '09), I understand I do blame her for a lot of things in the letter and as you are all aware im working on 'owning' my share of the blame now on here.


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Wow


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In Recovery and praying for a happy and healthy M.
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That's not an NC letter. That's CONTACT. Read up on NC letters, my friend. You are just stirring the pot. Sorry for your wife to have to read that one.


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And you said you felt "nothing" when you see her? What a liar you are!!! Go re-read your post, pal. That is the farthest thing from an NC letter. That's a letter from a man scorned. If you felt nothing, the letter would read:
"I've been selfish to my family by having a relationship with you and it has come to an end. I ask that you respect my desire to never talk to you or see you again as I repair the damage I have done to my marriage. What we did was wrong and I see that now. Please never, ever try to contact me again. Buh-bye."
You go on to talk about how you didn't get pleasure, and her man stubble, etc.
You say you have no emotions? Re-read your letter. There's PLENTY of emotion there.


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by imanotherone
Still waters run deep. Just because you SHOW no emotion toward the OW, doesn't mean you FEEL no emotion. Don't kid yourself.

Ok I feel I've been pushed to this. Below I've pasted the private NC letter I gave to OW. I've edited all the profanities with ** so theres no clue as to what it was, but I couldnt remove them completely as you guys need to understand the severity of the letter.

You all seem to believe I still feel something for OW, am still seeing OW or will fall back to OW just because im still working with her.



If you do decide to read it you'll hopefully understand why im getting frustrated at answering the same questions regarding absent feelings towards OW that you dont believe ARE actually absent.

To the moderators, you have my word that this is the last rude/profane/graphic literature I will post but I feel its important to get people understanding my side of this horrid story.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED - THIS CONTAINS VERY GRAPHIC MATERIAL AND EDITED PROFANITIES.


Enough is enough! I�ve stayed quiet for the sake of my job as I actually wish to provide for my kids. I don�t expect someone who chooses to abandon their kid every time an opportunity for sex comes around to understand! And now you feel like you have some right to insult me and my family? What the ** ? My hair didn�t bother you when you were getting what you wanted did it?

I didn�t even know that you existed for the 8 months before we got involved, you were just a �nobody� at work and should have stayed that way, I ** hate the day I ever met you. How dare you ** insinuate that you didn�t know I was married, we had started spending time together outside of work before I even told you that my wife and I were separated and even then you didn�t give a ** as you didn�t ask me anything about it!! I wasn�t even �into you� but you made yourself so damn easy and available that I was sucked in to your sick little game. But that didn�t bother you as this had already happened with at least 3 other �involved� men that I have personally spoken too, �Paula�s partner ring a bell?�

Do you remember when you told me that you always liked me from the first time you saw me? And I told you the same. Well truth is as I said I don�t even remember you before we got involved let alone found you attractive. In fact even after what we�ve been through I look at you know and can�t believe that no matter how messed up I was, that I ever saw anything in you; you�re completely hideous.

Have you got any idea how ** annoying it is to spend time with someone so self involved that every conversation MUST be turned onto themselves. All that time spent in my car was so ** painful just talking about you, you and you. That�s why I needed a drink to numb me sometimes.

As for the cinema trip, I don�t remember anything about it except for my wallet being lighter when we left. Were you even there?? Your company isn�t worth **, you�re only interested if the conversation is on you, which now I see is because you�re the only person that�s important in your life, including your own daughter.

I can�t believe I wasted so much time and energy texting you as much as I did, when I could have been texting my wife who is actually worth caring about. I just wish I hadn�t lost sight of how much I loved my wife and made this wretched mistake, and especially with someone so worthless.

Do you really believe that I loved you? Sorry to inform you but your completely unlovable, you�re a ** and a horrible manipulative **. I only said it to keep you happy as I felt sorry for you but I could NEVER love you. You tried to convince me that you have had commitment issues in the past and that�s why you were single, but hey news flash, it�s because you�re a pathetic user.

When I ended our time together, I believe I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with you whether I stayed with my wife or not but just in case you�re in doubt I�ll clear it up. I was being polite, I realised how much I still loved my wife and was trying to let you down gently, something I wish now that I hadn�t bothered doing, you deserved to feel as much pain as my family did at your hands. You may have suffered a little humiliation over the following months but that is nothing compared to what you should have suffered you home wrecking **.

It�s pathetic that your entire social life is with people from work; no wonder you�re so manipulative; if you lost your job or work colleagues you�d be completely alone. It�s ironic that your house and family is in just as much of a mess as your life. What a pig-sty, perfect for little miss piggy to live.

Did it bother you that I didn�t give a ** when you tried to make me jealous with all the male attention you were getting?? They only wanted easy meaningless sex with the store **��. The fact is you don�t just play the part; you look the part with your dyed hair in ponytails and your saggy breasts.

I find it hilarious that for someone who�s been ridden more times than the Gatwick express that you�re so ** and lifeless in bed?? You were quick enough to openly strip off like a pro and get into bed but it stopped there. You didn�t even know what you were doing?? Your attempts to touch me intimately were shameful and as you noticed I couldn�t even get hard for you. How embarrassing for you lol. Even in bed you are so selfish, you are a taker with no intent to please. You have absolutely no idea how to please a man!! Which considering your experience just shows exactly how self obsessed you are. Supposedly this is the thing in life your best at, seducing men! Wow you better go find a new hobby lol


Do you realise even a professional hooker knows to use protection!! I didn�t know what the hell I was doing and yet still I managed to bring condoms. At least I knew I was clean but Jesus your record is disgusting, you�ve been a ** for years, have you ever used protection? You�re a filthy, cheap, nasty ** and you have NO standards what-so-ever.

You weren�t even aware that I had had a vasectomy so didn�t it bother you that you could fall pregnant?? Another unwanted baby?? Another great example of your motherly instincts�..

Even after one of the two times we were intimate you didn�t even get up and clean up, just how disgusting are you? Do you really have no standards what so ever?? You�re nothing but a crusty **.

And as for the cuddling up after, the only thing I remember is being attacked by your disgusting man stubble!!

Rest assured I�m never going near a travel lodge again its just the right place to take a low life like you as its as shabby as you are and I bet you knew that too when you�re the one who chose it, have you no class? I don�t want a single thought about you, you filthy **.

I still wonder if you use the sob story of being raped to dupe men into bed. As that�s the only reason I ever even went near you again I felt sorry for you, it's shocking and disgusting that you would go that far; I have spoken to your best friend of that time period and she indicates that nothing of the sort ever happened.

It�s was disgusting having image flashbacks of you and your fat scabby body near mine, but now you're back to being a 'nobody' where you belong. After standing in front of my wife and pretending to be a nice person and lying to her face you�re lucky I had enough self restraint not to make your life a living hell, but don�t worry there�s still time 

In true stereotypical fashion me being the man and married and you being single everybody assumes that i'm the ** for cheating and using you�� lucky we both know that wasn�t the case. You sank your filthy claws into me when I was vulnerable with your �game plan� that you have perfected from your previous conquests.

Look at our records; I have NEVER cheated on any partners and I�ve been faithfully married for 9 years! I�ve only EVER slept with my wife as sex is something which means a lot to me which is why I am so disgusted with myself and feel so unclean now I�ve wasted myself on you. And I have to live with that forever��

Can you say the same? Lol Well I�m already the fourth �taken� man you�ve got involved with just from the store alone! And that�s just that I know about! Emily�s dad was one of 4 (four) blokes you slept with (also from the store) inside one week lol You truly are the store ** and you should think yourself lucky for getting hold of a decent bloke like myself you cheap **.

Being with you has shown me how truly amazing my wife is and we are stronger than ever now. In a strange way I guess I should thank you, if you weren�t such a filthy human specimen I might have forgotten what an amazing life partner I already have. Now ** off out of my life for good��.


IDEA:
Heres a thought for you all, could it be that after writing this letter which as you can see contains a lot of emotion that having had an outlet to deal with my emotions that they are dealt with and therefore no longer prevailing.

History of letter - I sent this letter approx 3 months after D-Day (Jan '09), I understand I do blame her for a lot of things in the letter and as you are all aware im working on 'owning' my share of the blame now on here.
If I were your wife, I'd make you quit your job TODAY.


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Hatred, disgust, rage... those are all emotions. You definitely seem to have them for the OW.

I wonder if you realize how very lucky you are that your BW hasn't kicked you to the curb yet?

And no, that isn't a NC letter. I'm pretty sure there are real examples of NC letters on this site. You can't really write a NC letter anyway until you leave the job. Until then, NC isn't possible.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
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Good point writer. This is a "I hate your guts but it's your fault I fell for you skank" letter. NC letter is sent AFTER NC is initiated. There has been daily contact, hence this is just a contact between former lovers.


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by imanotherone
Still waters run deep. Just because you SHOW no emotion toward the OW, doesn't mean you FEEL no emotion. Don't kid yourself.

Ok I feel I've been pushed to this. Below I've pasted the private NC letter I gave to OW. I've edited all the profanities with ** so theres no clue as to what it was, but I couldnt remove them completely as you guys need to understand the severity of the letter.

You all seem to believe I still feel something for OW, am still seeing OW or will fall back to OW just because im still working with her.

If you do decide to read it you'll hopefully understand why im getting frustrated at answering the same questions regarding absent feelings towards OW that you dont believe ARE actually absent.

To the moderators, you have my word that this is the last rude/profane/graphic literature I will post but I feel its important to get people understanding my side of this horrid story.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED - THIS CONTAINS VERY GRAPHIC MATERIAL AND EDITED PROFANITIES.


Enough is enough! I�ve stayed quiet for the sake of my job as I actually wish to provide for my kids. I don�t expect someone who chooses to abandon their kid every time an opportunity for sex comes around to understand! And now you feel like you have some right to insult me and my family? What the ** ? My hair didn�t bother you when you were getting what you wanted did it?

I didn�t even know that you existed for the 8 months before we got involved, you were just a �nobody� at work and should have stayed that way, I ** hate the day I ever met you. How dare you ** insinuate that you didn�t know I was married, we had started spending time together outside of work before I even told you that my wife and I were separated and even then you didn�t give a ** as you didn�t ask me anything about it!! I wasn�t even �into you� but you made yourself so damn easy and available that I was sucked in to your sick little game. But that didn�t bother you as this had already happened with at least 3 other �involved� men that I have personally spoken too, �Paula�s partner ring a bell?�

Do you remember when you told me that you always liked me from the first time you saw me? And I told you the same. Well truth is as I said I don�t even remember you before we got involved let alone found you attractive. In fact even after what we�ve been through I look at you know and can�t believe that no matter how messed up I was, that I ever saw anything in you; you�re completely hideous.

Have you got any idea how ** annoying it is to spend time with someone so self involved that every conversation MUST be turned onto themselves. All that time spent in my car was so ** painful just talking about you, you and you. That�s why I needed a drink to numb me sometimes.

As for the cinema trip, I don�t remember anything about it except for my wallet being lighter when we left. Were you even there?? Your company isn�t worth **, you�re only interested if the conversation is on you, which now I see is because you�re the only person that�s important in your life, including your own daughter.

I can�t believe I wasted so much time and energy texting you as much as I did, when I could have been texting my wife who is actually worth caring about. I just wish I hadn�t lost sight of how much I loved my wife and made this wretched mistake, and especially with someone so worthless.

Do you really believe that I loved you? Sorry to inform you but your completely unlovable, you�re a ** and a horrible manipulative **. I only said it to keep you happy as I felt sorry for you but I could NEVER love you. You tried to convince me that you have had commitment issues in the past and that�s why you were single, but hey news flash, it�s because you�re a pathetic user.

When I ended our time together, I believe I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with you whether I stayed with my wife or not but just in case you�re in doubt I�ll clear it up. I was being polite, I realised how much I still loved my wife and was trying to let you down gently, something I wish now that I hadn�t bothered doing, you deserved to feel as much pain as my family did at your hands. You may have suffered a little humiliation over the following months but that is nothing compared to what you should have suffered you home wrecking **.

It�s pathetic that your entire social life is with people from work; no wonder you�re so manipulative; if you lost your job or work colleagues you�d be completely alone. It�s ironic that your house and family is in just as much of a mess as your life. What a pig-sty, perfect for little miss piggy to live.

Did it bother you that I didn�t give a ** when you tried to make me jealous with all the male attention you were getting?? They only wanted easy meaningless sex with the store **��. The fact is you don�t just play the part; you look the part with your dyed hair in ponytails and your saggy breasts.

I find it hilarious that for someone who�s been ridden more times than the Gatwick express that you�re so ** and lifeless in bed?? You were quick enough to openly strip off like a pro and get into bed but it stopped there. You didn�t even know what you were doing?? Your attempts to touch me intimately were shameful and as you noticed I couldn�t even get hard for you. How embarrassing for you lol. Even in bed you are so selfish, you are a taker with no intent to please. You have absolutely no idea how to please a man!! Which considering your experience just shows exactly how self obsessed you are. Supposedly this is the thing in life your best at, seducing men! Wow you better go find a new hobby lol


Do you realise even a professional hooker knows to use protection!! I didn�t know what the hell I was doing and yet still I managed to bring condoms. At least I knew I was clean but Jesus your record is disgusting, you�ve been a ** for years, have you ever used protection? You�re a filthy, cheap, nasty ** and you have NO standards what-so-ever.

You weren�t even aware that I had had a vasectomy so didn�t it bother you that you could fall pregnant?? Another unwanted baby?? Another great example of your motherly instincts�..

Even after one of the two times we were intimate you didn�t even get up and clean up, just how disgusting are you? Do you really have no standards what so ever?? You�re nothing but a crusty **.

And as for the cuddling up after, the only thing I remember is being attacked by your disgusting man stubble!!

Rest assured I�m never going near a travel lodge again its just the right place to take a low life like you as its as shabby as you are and I bet you knew that too when you�re the one who chose it, have you no class? I don�t want a single thought about you, you filthy **.

I still wonder if you use the sob story of being raped to dupe men into bed. As that�s the only reason I ever even went near you again I felt sorry for you, it's shocking and disgusting that you would go that far; I have spoken to your best friend of that time period and she indicates that nothing of the sort ever happened.

It�s was disgusting having image flashbacks of you and your fat scabby body near mine, but now you're back to being a 'nobody' where you belong. After standing in front of my wife and pretending to be a nice person and lying to her face you�re lucky I had enough self restraint not to make your life a living hell, but don�t worry there�s still time 

In true stereotypical fashion me being the man and married and you being single everybody assumes that i'm the ** for cheating and using you�� lucky we both know that wasn�t the case. You sank your filthy claws into me when I was vulnerable with your �game plan� that you have perfected from your previous conquests.

Look at our records; I have NEVER cheated on any partners and I�ve been faithfully married for 9 years! I�ve only EVER slept with my wife as sex is something which means a lot to me which is why I am so disgusted with myself and feel so unclean now I�ve wasted myself on you. And I have to live with that forever��

Can you say the same? Lol Well I�m already the fourth �taken� man you�ve got involved with just from the store alone! And that�s just that I know about! Emily�s dad was one of 4 (four) blokes you slept with (also from the store) inside one week lol You truly are the store ** and you should think yourself lucky for getting hold of a decent bloke like myself you cheap **.

Being with you has shown me how truly amazing my wife is and we are stronger than ever now. In a strange way I guess I should thank you, if you weren�t such a filthy human specimen I might have forgotten what an amazing life partner I already have. Now ** off out of my life for good��.


IDEA:
Heres a thought for you all, could it be that after writing this letter which as you can see contains a lot of emotion that having had an outlet to deal with my emotions that they are dealt with and therefore no longer prevailing.

History of letter - I sent this letter approx 3 months after D-Day (Jan '09), I understand I do blame her for a lot of things in the letter and as you are all aware im working on 'owning' my share of the blame now on here.


And I get blasted on this forum? This guy MAY be totally off his rocker. This is the strangest NC letter I've seen in my life. Its as if he is blaming her for everything that happened. He is the great guy that was suckered by the manipulative skank. Now he hates her as she has ruined his life, marriage, reputation, self-esteem, etc. If I wrote this TheRoad, IMA, and RIVERA himself would have cussed me out already! THIS IS NUTS!! DUDE

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drawkcaB,

The anger you have expressed or felt for the OW then or now is beside the point. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to your W if you hate OW's every muddy, bloody footprint each & every day.

I tried that route myself last spring, hoping that perhaps hating my OW could be some sort of emotional shortcut for me & my W. And, alone in my thoughts, I was able to conjure up huge anger indeed at my OW for her part in things -- for the way she had come on to me, for the way she disregarded my wife, for the way she pleaded hogwash with me on the very day I broke off our affair ("Please, let's run away together, we could make each other so happy!") -- all to the point where I'd have been happy to slap her so hard that I fantasized her head would go 30 feet, factoring in the bounce-&-roll.

But this approach was a dead-end for me, in 2 ways. First, I was the pot-calling-the-kettle-'black', as I was every bit as guilty as she was, and as my responsibility to my W was greater than the OW's responsibility to my W anyhow. In fact, I was 100% responsible for my affair-- not 50%. I alone could've stopped my A. at any time, and should've, if I had given any consideration for the impact upon my poor wife. Second, all the anger or disdain in the world for OW wouldn't have sufficed to address the things I needed to do vis-a-vis my wife's emotional needs. It was necessary, perhaps, but by no means sufficient, for me to forswear the OW in words. What mattered vastly more was that I forswore her with my deeds -- by having no contact, and by focusing my subsequent attention on my wife's other needs.

You alone were 100% responsible for your affair.

You've heard in no uncertain terms that you need to put yourself & your W away from OW -- emotionally, physically, every which way. Hashing over a nasty letter you sent 10 months ago accomplishes not much for you today, except perhaps to confirm that 10 months ago, you lacked the requisite humility that this "recovery" business requires.

You obviously care to do right & do better, or you wouldn't be sticking around here. But stay on-task to the present effort you must give to the woman who thought your ring was worth her 'yes.'


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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DUDE- True Dat.
Very, very bizarre letter.


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
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Well, I sorta told the MB friends I talk to on FB that I wasn't posting here any more but, boy, this one's brought me out of the closet so to speak.

That is most definitely not an NC letter. I'm the FWW, my A was 7 years ago now.

I remember another WS who wrote a similar letter to the OP and thought that's what was required. It is blame shifting at its worst and I find the whole letter very, very obnoxious.

It's most obnoxious feature is tearing down another human being just to make you feel or look better. It stinks on every level.

If that is a display of your true character I think your BS would be better off without you.

I've also noticed quite a lot of flippancy in your responses. If you can't see that there is nothing REMOTELY funny in this situation you don't just lack emotion, you lack normal human feelings.

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Quote
you are back peddling, don't do it. You can't convince me that you feel nothing when you see this person.
this is why everyone is trying to convince you to not work with this person anymore. You are not being transparent with your W, you are withholding pertinent information from her, if I can see it from here, she can see it from there.



Y, re-read my post from this morning! now read what everyone wrote since you posted your letter that you wrote to the OW.
Now,are we ALL wrong? You still need to wake up.
Im not impressed with your letter, and these previous posts by members explains why.
Your letter is NOT a NC letter, it nothing but a letter full of anger and disdain for someone that has hurt you, a letter full of immaturity,and distasteful blaming, you still are not getting it.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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