And as Petitioner (the 1st one to file) you'll have the option later on to dismiss (non-suit) the case if that's what you choose to do and your WW would have to pay to refile. As Petitioner, you basically control the case. The benefit of filing is that you get temporary orders on file stating that she can't spend community funds unnecessarily, and it determines who has custody, sets out visitation guidelines, etc.

Right now, the presumption is that you BOTH have equal and joint custody to the children. If she took off with them right now, the only thing you could do would be to file for divorce/custody and WAIT for the Court to act, if they will.

Filing would also send her the message that you are taking this seriously and will do whatever is necessary to protect the family.

In my own situation, I non-suited just days before the divorce was to be final.

Thanks for all the replies. This is messy. If there were a clear direction I think we would all be in agreement.

I am going to meet the lawyer today and the paperwork will be drawn up so that it is ready for filing. I need more legal advice, I only talked for a few minutes yesterday. I'm hoping that today will yield more fruit. My mindset follows PM - filing does not make a D final, particularly in CA where its a 6 month period. However, it puts control in my hands which I very much want, particularly given WW current state.

The Church has been *extremely* supportive. Without it, I have no clue where I would be right now. I talk to the Bishop probably on a daily basis. Although he can't condone divorce, he thinks talking to the lawyer and being ready to file is the best thing I can do right now.

The reality is that nothing is breaking through the fog. NC has been tried five times, all abysmal failures within 2 days. WW is exhibiting behavior that is, in my mind, beyond immoral. She shows absolutely no remorse to anyone, even her closest friends. Outside of plan D, what more is there to do beyond wait for the affair to die, which it may not? And in the meantime I now have to constantly be on my guard to protect my children and I'm concerned about the impact this is going to have on my job.

I could go into Plan B, but then I lose the ability to protect my kids and frankly I just don't see it being all that effective with my WW.

This is exhausting.

Make sure you attorney gives you the best plan to help you have legal control over the children, now. Once these types of things are in motion it will give you more power, which you will need if she decides to go the D route. It also won't hurt if she wants to come home. It will also place any other orders she seeks in a negative light.

Yup, exactly right 6years.

I also wanted to say something to Writer,

I think it is terrible advice to tell someone in this circumstance to ignore the statistics, or even to place any weight on anecdotal stories. That is how people get convinced to do lots of stupid things. We all want hope, and everyone wants to believe they are the 1 in 1000. Unfortunately 999 of them will be wrong.

6yearsleft: I never said to ignore the statistics. Please don't put words in my mouth. I simply pointed out that some M's do recover, even with an OC. I'm not the only one on this board who has done so.

Indarkness: I think I suggested this before, but I'll put it out there again. If you haven't already done so, read the Pregnancy/Child forum on this site. Really, your thread belongs over there. I think there are some people over there who could really help you and I'm not sure how many of them read this part of the site. Most of them have dealt with an A that involves an OC. Their advice was invaluable to me when I first found this site. You might consider posting your story over there and hearing what they have to say.

Writer,


Ok, no words in your mouth, I read you posting as a call for him to look at a bunch of anecdotal stories instead of relying on the statistics. I'm saying he needs to be more hard headed than that. and consider the statistics. Which I will try to dig up.

I would hesitate moving your thread to that forum for one reason: your wife is still in an active affair. You're not working together to deal with the issues of co-parenting an OC. Right now, writer seems obsessed with the OC in mommy's tummy. Well, I'm focussing on indarkness and HIS children. To be honest, mommy will do what she will do, and she may take the OC to live a life of sin with the OM. But don't you dare drag those precious indarkness children with her. The law may not protect the OC, but it CAN protect the children who have been born already and belong with indarkness.
I would encourage indarkness to post over on the other forum and read a bunch to see what he might face and prepare himself, but for now, its the children HE fathered that need protection.

6yearsleft: And I was simply directing him to another part of this forum which contains the real-life stories of other couples that have survived the birth of an OC and gone on to recover their M's. If you don't believe they exist, go over to the Pregnancy/Child forum and read them for yourself.

Exactly my point as to why he should definitely READ over there, but the REALITY is here: his wife is trying to steal his children and is trying to make a new life with the OM and her OC. PERIOD. To ignore those facts, indarkness will be putting his family in grave danger. Sure, the train heading down the tracks may swerve or stop, but STATISTICALLY, he's gonna lose his family if he doesn't kick it into gear NOW.

Imanotherone: The Pregnancy/Child forum isn't only for people who are in recovered M's. There are people over there in all stages of the game. It is for anyone dealing with an A, at any stage, that involves an OC.

By the way, I am not "obsessed" with anything. I am concerned for indarkness's entire family - including him, his WW, his COM's and the OC.

Let's agree to disagree, writer. I don't give ANY concern to the WW right now. I give VERY LITTLE concern to OC right now. I give some concern to indarkness right now, but he's an adult. I give EXTREME concern to the existing children. They were supposedly the WW's whole life. She dropped out of high school to start a family and she has four wonderful kids she's throwing away here. Lest you forget, google "Andrea Yates" on Wikipedia. This is an unstable woman with nowhere to go. Indarkness has a moral obligation to protect his children. Russell Yates ignored those who told him to protect his children.
I'm not saying that mrs. indarkness is homicidal, but she just had sex in front of an almost-two-year-old. For god's sake! Isn't that a red flag to you?

Writer,

I believe they exist, obviously. I also believe they are the exception to the rule. I do not think it is wise for him to spend time reading about the very few who have succeeded. That could make him think it is common, when it is not.

Stats are hard to find from any reliable studies but several say 85% get divorced from all affairs with significantly higher when Wife is the cheater, and even high when OC is involved.

I wanted to also say that until he makes a decision the OC is most definitely NOT a part of his family.

..and I'm sure the stats are likely higher if you increase the sample to cover those BHs a few years or so out from D-Day, y'know, once the fight to bring the WW back into the M is mostly over.

This is the last I have to say on this.

Here is my advice to indarkness: Pray for guidance, seek support from the church, talk to the lawyer and receive legal advice, do what needs to be done to protect yourself and your COM while you figure out where it is that you want to go from here, and read the Pregnancy/Child forum so that you can learn from others who have been through this before.

If anyone disagrees with that, fine. Feel free to disagree.

And yes, I think that having sex in front of a 20 month old baby is wrong. I do not, however, think it is anywhere near along the lines of a homicidal maniac who killed her own children because she claims that God told her to. That's a bit of a jump, don't you think? Perhaps we should stick to the situation at hand. Indarkness's WW is deep in the fog of her A and there is no doubt that she is making poor choices. That doesn't mean that she intends to do bodily harm to her children. I haven't seen anything in indarkness's posts to suggest that his WW is having homicidal thoughts toward her kids. If there was even the remotest inclination of something like that, I would be the first person to advise him to take the kids and run.

For me, the most difficult thing I had to do when I came to this forum was to separate the helpful advise from the not-so-helpful. There are extremes on both ends of the spectrum here - and some very bitter, hateful people, I hate to admit. I am simply presenting a middle-ground - a voice of reason. I don't think it is ever a bad idea to come up with a rational, well-thought-out plan of action rather than reacting first and thinking later. That is what I hope indarkness will do.

Darkness,

Seems like you have alot to consider. Let us know what the lawyer has to say about your options.

writer, if you had done what I said and actually read Andrea Yates' story, you will see that the drowning of the kids was not an isolated incident. There was a pattern of destructive behavior, starting with her feelings of extreme isolation that started YEARS before the event we all read about that day.
Guess who supported her husband in his actions to deny his wife was in crisis? The church.
Read the Yates story. There's a lot more to it than the drownings, I swear. There's a lesson in it for all of us. No, most crises don't reach that level, but so much pain can be avoided if we keep our eyes open.

Writer,

Indarkness is in a very precarious situation LEGALLY. The problem is he is no longer dealing with a WW, he's dealing with a WW and an OM who wants a new family. That is a very dangerous combination when it comes to Indarkness' future. I'm dealing with a very similar situation.

His WW is in a very, very strong position legally when it comes to playing the divorce game. If Indarkness plays doormat and moves out like your husband offered, he will lose custody of the kids. That's the hard, cold, reality. A lot of people are bitter on this board because they have LIVED through the worst case scenarios. You did not. You got lucky. They HOPED things would resolve themselves instead of taking action and protecting their interests. Indarkness is dealing with a walk away wayward wife who has every intention of moving away and replacing him with her adultry partner as the primary father figure in the children's life.

PSUBIKER: I do realize that indarkness is in a precarious position. I would never advise him to move out of his house and leave his children. I don't think my H would have done that either, if push had come to shove.

I have heard from others on this board that many waywards threaten D, but that it never goes beyond the threats. Indarkness's WW, so far at least, has done very little to either walk away from her M or get indarkness out of the house. It seems as though she may be bluffing and not all that serious about the D. There is no way to know if she has any intentions of acting on her threats, except that, so far, she has not done so.

I do think that indarkness needs to protect himself and his COM. I think it's a good idea for him to at least talk to a lawyer and see where he stands legally. I also think it might be a good sign that so far, his WW seems to be more talk than action. If she were dead set on leaving her H or replacing him with the OM, she probably would have done something about it by now. She is still fence-sitting. There is still a chance for this M to R. It is not at all a given, of course, it's just a chance, however small.

That's all I have been saying. I'm sorry if it bothers people when I offer a small ray of hope for this M. No one else seems willing to do that.