Very,

I too look at these last 2 yrs. since my D as a waste. I have wasted those years on thinking/obsessing etc. about ExH. For what? Do you think he's doing the same for me? No! He has a new life with OW and baby. So why do I do it? My IC keeps telling me to use all that energy I spend on him, on me!

I guess, and I am VERY ashamed to say this, is that I still somehow hope he will come back. No not that same person he is now, but realize what he did and want to make it right.

I guess I still want him and that is why I have such a hard time dating as I am still hooked on him.

Right before the D, I wrote him a VERY long letter. Poured my heart out about a ton of stuff. I told him it wasn't too late to stop the D. He said it was a hard read, very emotional for him. But did that persuade him to come back to me? Nope!

Still even after the D I held out hope. People do reconcile after a D I thought. Then he M'd the OW and my hope faded, but still it was there. Now they have a baby and my hope is pretty much gone. Even if he did leave her someday to come back to me, he would forever be tied to her because of their child.

I kills me that he had a baby with her. I so wanted more kids and he told me no, he was too old to have more. That was about 6 years ago. Well like he's not older now? It doesn't seem real that he had a baby with another woman. At one time he was my husband, How could he just go love someone else and have a baby with them?

I know this sounds crazy but those are my twisted feelings...

So why do I do this to myself? Why do I still pine for someone who hurt me so?

I wish I knew...

Cat

Still,

Right after my Dad passed, I went into depression. I knew things weren't right with me, lost interest in alot of stuff especially taking care of the house, but I didn't want to go on meds, even though the Dr. recommended them. Heck I wasn't crazy!

Well I do think that contributed alot to the demise of my M. ExH found a co worker who was having issues with her H as well, and they commisurated together. One thing lead to another and we all know how it turned out.

I wish I would have listened to my Dr. and went on the AD's. Maybe I wouldn't be here today...

Cat

Mulan,

You are 100% right. Divorce didn't solve ANYTHING! It made me sad, broke, insecure, etc, etc. I know ExH spun it to others, so I was the bad guy and he had no choice but to leave to be happy.

I guess I filed because I knew ExH wasn't/didn't want to come back, and I couldn't stand the fact that he was living with OW, taking her places, while he was still M'd to me.

I think the D made it easier for him to justify it all to others.

Cat

I quickly read the 31 reasons but I'm not so sure they apply to someone who M's the OW.

The stats said the A would end. Well it didn't. I think ExH is happier since he left me. Even though he has NEVER admitted he was in an A. Of course he will never tell me if he is unhappy either.

Cat

Oh Mulan,

But I DO want to know if he is unhappy or not. That would make me VERY happy to know he is living a life of h#ll!

Cat

Catgirl, you are definitely giving your WXH too much power over your life!! Did you ever do a Plan B? Do you contact him now?

I know as messed up as I am in my own head I'm the last person who should give you advise. But honestly, breaking contact with my WXH did more to help me than any other single thing I've done so far. I actually wish I did a proper Plan B that included a letter and an IM. Not that there are any conditions I would take him back again, but just so that there would be a system in place to ensure we had no contact. Unfortunately, most of the circumstances in which we did have contact would have been unavoidable anyway - DS's wedding and grad for example. But it would have prevented some of the cruel things that he's done to me.

I don't think of the last 2 1/2 years as nearly as much of a waste as the 17 years I was still with WXH. During that time, I thought I was happily married. I thought I was loved. I thought I had a place in a family. It was all a lie. I don't know when it began being a lie and I never will. For all I know, the entire thing was a farce and he just used me all that time. I can never remenisce about anything during that time, including my own DS's childhood, without thinking about him too. He stole and made a mockery of the bulk of my adult life, my son's childhood and every hope and dream I ever had during that time. THAT's where the waste was.

The last 2 1/2 years? I've been on 3 Carribean vacations, one Florida vacation and one Virginia vacation and I'm leaving to go on another Carribean cruise tomorrow. I live better and have more financial security than I ever had. And I do the things I want without having to worry about what he thinks about it. To say these were a waste? Heck - these have been the best years of my life!!!

That's the whole funny thing about it is that it's not what's happening on the outside that's the problem. It's all on the inside for me.

Cat,

All marriages have problems. Especially marriages that result from infidelity. Don't you think that they might have some trust issues, knowing full-well that they were willing to commit adultery once. Why not again? When a marriage gets hard they bailed and found a replacement. That is what they know I wonder how sound they really sleep.

If you can bring yourself to date a little it might distract you from thinking about your ex. Think hard on this: considering how he treated you and your family do you think he deserves all the time you have invested thinking about him? The answer is he doesn't deserve another second of you precious time.

Tabby,

I did a so-so plan B. I do not have contact at all with ExH unless it is for DS. I have no one to act as an IM so that is not an option.

DS has been ill lately so I've had to see ExH at ER visits, Drs. etc. as he chooses to attend.

I do think, and I know this is shallow, but if I had more $$ things would be better for me. I then could do the things I wanted and not have to obsess about all the things ExH and OW are doing with their $$. House/car have had a lot of problems and alot of $$ has gone to that lately.

Cat

Comfortably,

You said EXACTLY what my IC has been saying to me for months! I'm just not sure why I can't get past that and believe it myself.

~ Is it because I was comfortable with ExH and don't want to start again?

~ Is it because I don't think I can get another man?

~ Is it because I am jealous that OW has what was mine and I can't get past that to seek another man?

I don't know, I wish I did...

Cat

Cat,

I don't know why exactly but I can guess. You were hurt by a man and you are probably leary of opening yourself up to that kind of pain. It is a normal reaction. But, it isn't a way to spend your life. You must at some point risk something to get something in return.

There is a man out there that will be overjoyed to have you in his life. You just need to look around a bit. Baby steps.

Comf,

Yeah I know I have to start. I mean it's been over 2 years now. I definitetly don't want to be alone in my later years of life. Guess I'm too picky, but as you said I need to start somewhere.

As far as ExH and OW having issues in their M and not trusting, I'm not sure,.

However, ExH has never admitted the A, so I do think that they both justisfy what they did in that they were in dead end M's anyway, so they started again and now that they are happy, have a new baby, there would be no reason to cheat on each other...

Cat

{{{{Cat}}}}}, I understand exactly how you feel. But maybe if our WS(ex) werent so selfish we wouldnt be here either, ya know? We cannot blame ourselves....I guess maybe it takes us a long time because, for me, I know that I felt that this was it for life, thick or thin. In my mind I never imagined being with anyone else....I am a very loyal person...So I guess it just takes us a long time to get over it, if we ever do...

It just seems that all the BS's here are extremely loyal, loving and caring people...If we werent we would just have dumped their sorry butts and soon as we found out about A. We just dont throw people away that easily...unforutunately most of us didnt choose spouses that had that same integrity...So it will probably be something I feel that we may carry forever, unfortunately...Maybe if we open our hearts again someday that will help, find someone else to be loyal to, besides someone who didnt appreciate what they had in us....

But maybe the reason you havent seriously dated yet is because you are really not ready yet, and I think that is fine...I am gonna take as long as I need, I was debating it recently...but I dont want to get serious with someone until I have gotten that jerk of a WH out of my system, because it wont be fair to the person I am dating...Just take the time you need to grieve your M, some of us need longer I guess....

But eventually, Cat, someone does deserve that loyal, caring and loving person you are...Its not fair to keep that to yourself...

"But eventually, Cat, someone does deserve that loyal, caring and loving person you are...Its not fair to keep that to yourself..."

I couldn't have said it better. It goes for you too Still if you happen to divorce.

You both are going to make someone extremely happy when you find them. And when you are ready.

I do think that it would possibly do you a word of good Cat to go on some dates. Make them non-romantic at first. See a movie. Get a coffee. Go to the park and feed the ducks. Meet someone at the gym an have a guy there show you how to use the equipment (even if you already know how). Guys love to feel useful. But if your not ready yet realize that you probably will be eventually.

It can also help to know that you are a loycal, caring and loving person all by yourself! You don't need a man around to be as wonderful as you are! A relationship isn't the only worthwhile achievement in life!

Very true Tabby.

By the way, I meant loyal, not lo-cal or whatever it was I put there. We had a bake sale at work today and I think my subconscience is trying to tell me something.

Thanks all,

I know I have to go out. My IC tells me that all the time. But I think I have finally realized something as to why, and it was what Still posted a bit earlier...

When I married, I married for life. As Still said, thick or thin. Never in a million years would I have thought this would happen to me. I was there for him through it all and I wanted to be his only wife, as I thought he would be my only husband.

I bared my soul to him, told him stuff no one else knows, yet he betrayed me. And who knows, maybe even betrayed me by telling others what I told him.

I think I can't move on because I just can't imagine myself loving or being or even having sex with anyone else.

He was supposed to be the one and only.

I guess that it why it hurts so much to know that obviously he didn't feel the same way if he can fall in love and marry and have a kid with someone else so quickly.

Cat

I am still in Plan A even though we are separated, I haven't given up on my marriage yet, having said that - my husband is from Ireland and I am German - I came to Ireland 10 years ago and basically every memory I made in this country (Ireland),
I made with him - it would not be enough to move town here or anything to escape the memories - for me Ireland and my husband are one and the same thing if you know what I mean. Every bar, rugby match, football jersey i.e. is a reminder of him. I also can't imagine ever being with someone else and i.e. meeting WH in a bar and not loving him anymore. It actually takes my breath away just thinking about it... and I can't make a fresh start ever again in a different country like 10 years ago because of my kids - if I wouldn't have the kids I would have left Ireland already and would now work in a Call Canter in Spain.

I like to think that if I ever date again that it might be with a person I know already - dating a stranger is the worst thing I can imagine right now.

IMHO, it's cognitive dissonance. I'd say most people going through this suffer from it. It's when two contradictory ideas or beliefs are held by one person.

For a simple example, I would imagine most people hold the general belief that life is fair. Then they get cheated on. Which we have clearly established as "not fair." Now the person has cognitive dissonance. They hold the belief that life is fair, while simultaneously having evidence that life is not fair.

This creates anxiety until such time as they conclude one of those beliefs to be false. (In this example, they must conclude either life is not fair, or that it was fair that they got cheated on.)

Now in that case, most people assume that it is easy to just accept life is not fair and move on. But it's not that simple. It's not simple because life being "fair" is usually a "bedrock" type of belief on which so many people base a lot of their values and actions on. (i.e. I work hard because in a fair world, I will be rewarded, I follow the rules, because I believe in being fair, I interact with others believing life is fair, etc., etc.)

So I imagine, (while they don't really know they are doing it), most people going through this can't conclude life is not fair (since it would disrupt so many other beliefs) and therefore, choose to mull over all the details of this situation over and over looking for the "fairness" in it. If they can find a just, or logical, or understandable sequence that prooves to them that the betrayal was fair, then they can let it go. They will have chosen one belief over the other and the cognitive dissonance will be gone.

Now, your two conflicting ideas may not be the one I used in the example. Maybe you think your a good judge of people and now have evidence you aren't. Maybe you believe your WH is deep down a good person, but you have evidence that he isn't. Who knows, but I would guess that you do have some conflicting beliefs that cause this to still eat at you. Figuring those out is probably a good start to stopping this.

Just my 2 cents.