My WH actually said to me, one of the many times at the beginning when I asked if we had a chance, "No offense, but I dont want to be with a sick person."....This is in reference to my depression...

This statement just killed me, to this day still does...I just think, yeah if he doesnt want it who else would...or maybe that I just would never want to burden anyone with my depression...

Cat,

it may seem like everything for him is rosy, but thats you and others looking from the outside. We really don't know what is happening on the inside. More than likly we never will because of their pride or sense of entitlement.

I know this for a fact that my exwh has it rough because she does not trust him. She knows he cheated with her on me so its always in the back of her mind will he do it again. Of course she was cheating as well. He also can't talk to me or any other woman without her freaking out. So see its not always what it appears to be. They can make it look good but that does not mean it is.

Just wait and watch it make take a few more years but the bubble will burst. Dr. Harley says most affairages don't make it past 5 years.

Heck by the times things go bad you probably won't care anyhow. It will get better for you in time. Focus on you and making your life happy, don't worry about exwh time will take care of him ...

Okla,

I guess the biggest issue I am having now is financially. I am making as much $$ as possible, but it's still not enough. Have alot of medical and house expenses. etc.

What is eating away at me is that ExH seems to have it all. He has the $$, just bought a new car, never seems to want, and here I am struggling.

I guess I am in the pattern of "woe is me", but I just can't get past that he and OW have what should be mine.

Spoiled brat thinking I know, but that's how I feel and don't know how to get past that.

If only I had $$ to fix up my house, etc., etc.

They say living well is the best revenge. I want to do that, just can't financially. And I don't mean taking around the world trips. Just fixing up my house, getting a newer car etc.

He knows I'm struggling. I had to spend alot of $$ recently on a huge plumbing issue with the house. Meantime, right before OW had the baby, they took a very nice vacation...

That's what gets me the most.

Cat

Stillhere,

How awful that must have felt for you to hear that.

It took me the longest time to accept going on AD's. I thought...heck I wasn't crazy! Only crazy people go on those. It wasn't until my Dr. sat down with me and asked me if I had a heart problem would I hesitate taking medication for that? I told him no.

He said, OK, you have an emotional problem, a "mind" problem, so why do you hesitate taking medication for it?

I told him because only crazy people took pills like that. He said that was not true. Illness doesn't just happen in your heart or lungs or liver or kidneys. It can happen in your mind as well, and it needs to be treated just like any other physical illness would.

He made me see then that I wans't crazy, that I did have depression, a "mind" illness, and there was nothing wrong with that.

I still don't mention to people I suffer from it. Even though the Dr. made me realize it was nothing I should be ashamed of, I think people still look at it differently. But I also think it is becoming more acceptable and people are beginning to understand it a bit more.

(((((Stillhere)))))

Cat

Funny story - at our 15 year HS reunion last Thanksgiving, my ex SIL got some questions on why exWW was not there with me. (exSIL, exWW are identical twins and the three of us graduated from HS together). She told them her sister and I were getting a divorce because she cheated on me with her 50 year old unemployed, toothless, 2nd cousin. Nothing like the truth...

Too funny!!

Cat
I do understand the feelings you have. For the first year after exwh left I worked two jobs and still had a rough time. MY DS15 at the time went to live with exwh and the skank because I was never home. He didn't understand I was working two jobs for him. Now years later he understands it and he regrets moving with them.

It felt like i was working myself to death while he and OW lived it up. Nice home and cars, eatting out etc. etc. Little did I know even though I was working hard I was making myself stronger and more independant. I was living a truthful life and had nothing to be ashamed of.

Fast forward a few years, I still work at my job and have gotten promoted to a shift supervisor. I have a man who loves me and does right by me. I have a nice place to live and decent car and even go out to eat.

Going through all of the bad and hard times made me appreciate life so much more. I don't take anything for granted anymore because I now know life can change in the blink of an eye. I am sure of myself and know i can survive anything.

You can do these things to. Just stop thinking of all they have or do. I know its hard because I felt the same way, she was living my life i was suppose to have. But then we have to remember their lives are based on lies and hurtfulness. The foundations are weak and crumbling little by little. Your life will be built on truthfulness and honesty. Hard to break that foundation down.

I wish I had the magic words to help you through this. I know it hurts and we second guess ourselves. We play the what if game over and over in our heads. We can't do that to ourselves. It will eat you alive. Take it one day at a time and if by chance somthing happens or he changes you can then make a descion based on where you are and how you feel.....

We never know what the future holds for us. So look ahead to the good things in life, they are out there...

Thanks Okla,

It just seems like I will never get to where you are...loving husband, happy again.

I just wish something good would happen to me, no matter how small, just to keep me going. Seems like there is this dark cloud over me that just doesn't want to move.

Just today my hot water heater went. I thought, of course it did, what else is new? More $$ to spend that I don't have...

Cat

Cat

I am sorry to hear about the hot water heater. I know it seems like its never ending. Shoot we went with gas in the house for two months because exwh decided he didn't need to pay the bill after he left. It was oct. and Nov before i had enough to turn it back on.

I know I am sounding like a broken record here but it will get better. I never thought it would for me either. Yes it took some time was a little over 2 years when life turned around for me.

Maybe it would help if you found a good support system through your church or the community. I don't know alot about your situation as I was off line for a long time. Just know I am willing to listen if you need to vent. Its hard to be alone and things are going wrong.

I will keep you in my prayers...

Thanks Okla,

I really do try and keep a positive attitude, at least on the outside.

Actually I am quite a good actress. Many people that I know think I am doing well, have moved on etc. Somedays I think I could get an academy award for putting on such a good show. But unfortunately that's all it is.

I know eveyrone has told me things will get better. But they also told me the A would end, ExH would never marry the OW especially with her being 17 yrs. younger etc. But they were all wrong, so I guess I'm just having a hard time believing it all.

I've totally lost faith in God. I know that's a huge no no, but I can't help it. Seems like the sinners get rewarded and the good people get the short end of the stick all the time.

OK enough pity party. Going to bed.

Cat

In the beginning of A, I was ashamed and a wanted to hide in shame. XH had A with his direct report and I worked there also.

I lived in fear, worried he was going to lose his job and unfortunately I did not find this site till almost 6 months later and learned about exposure which probably came too late.

XH finally did get demoted and I still can't believe they have their jobs. BUT I got over my shame and realized I had nothing to hide. XH never told anyone he even moved never mind D. So it became my personal decision for anyone that asked about him for me to say. "I'm sorry you must have not heard that XH abandoned DD and myself for PP -- the plastic pinata. I actually have gotten to enjoy the look of shock on their face.

It has set me free. When I shop and decide to buy myself something special at a cosmetic counter I say "Yes I am treating myself because my H cheated on me with PP". Amazing all the people that know her. I have NOTHING to hide. While they both think that no one really knows, it is the worst kept secret in the Company.

Catgirl, have you thought about selling your house and downsizing to a newer condo? Think out of the box. I too thought that XH was living like a rock star the way they were going away almost every month. Now I realize they are trying to continue the fantasy. Did a credit report on him and he is in massive debt. So much for fantasy. Look into yourself for your own happiness. As long as you compare they win. Just not worth it.

Cat, there are many times I get mad at people that say "You are so strong", "you are a hero". I am weak but one day I want to feel like that. I deserve it.

As for God there were many times I was mad at Him. It is not that you have lost faith in Him but yourself. That is the time he will carry you. I used to pray to God to bring XH home, to give me justice. Now I just say "God's will be done". It is enough.

Hello Catgirl,
I've never posted before but felt compelled to share some thoughts with you.
I have discovered some truths in my life as a result of my H's A. Just so you know, we are still separated and he feels incapable of being the H that I need...despite the end of the A.
I have some choices to make. My life choices. And they begin with the way that I think about things.
I don't know whether or not you are open to reading certain books but I've come across two books that have been very helpful to me:
The Power of the Subconscious Mind and You are What you Think.
Both of these books have helped me change the energy around me.
You are entitled to your feelings about the outcome of your M. No doubt about it.
But I'm seeing from your thread that you expend a great deal of energy in hoping for retribution and the fall of your ExH and the OW. Wasteful time and energy that could be better used on you and for you. You can cultivate the life that you want. You can have what you want too.
I find that if I put out negative thoughts and energy, which in my book translates into karma, even though I may be able to justify it in my own mind that they deserve it, I am sure to find that whatever it is I've projected onto them, I get back...in one shape or another. I believe this wholeheartedly.
I am hoping that you can shift the focus of your frustrations and turn those thoughts into positive thoughts of harmony, love, good will, and kindness to all around you...you will foster positive outcomes and your life will change.
These are just my thoughts and I've found that they have kept me centered through the madness of this travesty of my H's A. Literally thought I'd lose my mind during the the first 8 months but I've come to a better place inside myself.
You've got to want to heal from this Catgirl. You can't perpetuate the trauma for yourself by focusing on them anymore.
Make yourself a new life...put out only positive thoughts to everyone in your life...it will foster good will that will come back to you. Self-discipline of mind will help you heal these wounds. The longer you choose to focus on what was taken from you, the longer you will keep from receiving them.
I hope this helps you.
Blessings,
W

Hi Cat
Again, I can so relate to what you're saying and let me remind you, I'm 19 years out from you as it happened to me 20 years ago.

I am not having a pity party for myself as you're not either, (although it probably sounds it) but I agree with you that it's so hard watching them succeed in life while you struggle along on your own. Like you, I was told that things would get better, I deserved better, the A would end, blah blah but that's not what happened with my situation either. They destroyed two families and have been happily married for more than 15 years, become multi millionaires in the process and live in a fabulous home on the waterfront. I know, I know, material success is not everything but it just pi**es me off that they haven't seemed to have had to face any consequences for their appalling behaviour and seem to be accepted by everyone.

And I really loathe the expression "move on". Yeah right I've "moved on" whatever that means because I have no choice but to do so.

Where's that karma bus when you want it!!!

Dont lose faith in God, Cat...We need him now the most...He is what we got right now. I lost faith in the beginning, but he didnt do this to us, our Jacka$$ WH did. Our faith needs to be stronger than ever now....He will help us through.

I dont believe that God doesnt give us more than we could handle, this was definitely more than I could handle...but he gave us free will and does not have control over us esp. if we are not listening to him...like my WH was very religious and obviously he had to tune him out to do this....

And it does seem like the sinners get rewarded, maybe at the beginning, because that is how the devil gets his grip...Look good things happen if you sin....but you know what, I could NOT live with myself if I did what my WH did to me and DS...The guilt would kill me. My heart and soul are clear, I am not perfect, but I would never leave my DS to go with another man. And i try to live a good life...

My WH still feels the need to hide what he is doing..so he knows he did a really bad thing he just is being selfish...and I truly believe that you cannot act that selfish without it coming back to you somehow...I believe that is why we will never hear an apology..they live in denial, but deep down inside they know what they did was wrong...

I mean why dont they just say..."I am sorry what I did was wrong, but I dont care I am still gonna do it"...Instead we all hear half a$$ed apologies, that are not real apologies....or them blamin the BS for their own shortcomings...it is because they can only live in denial, the truth is to horrible for them to face....

wonderfully said Still.....

Hope,

I did consider selling the house, but DS has been through so much I hate to uproot him from the only home/neighborhood he has ever known.

Also, and I guess this is more of a case of... biting off my nose to spite my face...my home is the only thing I can say is mine.

ExH took away my hopes, self esteem, dreams of a future with him, took away my $$ and bankrupted me, I don't want him to win by taking away my home as well.

My credit is shot, there is no way I would be able to buy another home for many years. I like where I live and it gives me pride in keeping up my house, no matter how difficult it is at times.

I never knew how to do any home repairs, outside work etc. that was alwyas ExH's job. Well I've learned now, and it's quite satisfying.

I know ExH wants me to fail in the house. He told me before the D that he didn't know how I would manage it without him there. I'm sure he wants to say ...see she couldn't do it cuz I'm not there to help.

I guess it's more of a pride thing to show him and everyone else that I'm not cracking under all the pressure of owning a home. I *am* handling it.

Guess that's why I fight so hard to stay put. Maybe that's a crazy reason why, but it makes me happy and not much does these days...

Cat

Warrioress,

I agree with you, and my IC has been telling me the same thing for months. I am expending way too much energy on them, I should be using it on me. Somehow that's easier said than done.

I guess I just want them to pay for all the pain they've caused me and my kids and that's how I deal with it. Not a good way I know...

I actualy read the book The Secret. I did try to put out positive energy, and it would come back to me. Never did. But then again I was doing that before my ExH had the A. I was a very positive person. Look where that got me.

So I don't know if I buy the positive energy stuff. I know I won't ever be able to give positive energy and good will to ExH and OW, that's for sure...

Cat

Prettypearl,

I am so sorry that you are still going through all the pain 19 yrs. later. I guess your ExH's M is the one that will last. People tell me "affairages" don't last, well your ExH's is proof it did and is thriving.

I do hope I can get past this and not be 19 yrs. out and still feel the same.

It is so hard, and like you I want revenge, but I guess there's only so much we can do...

Cat

Still,

I know God didn't do this to us, but I still question why ExH is being blessed with stuff. Yeah I know all about free will, but shouldn't the good be rewarded for doing good, not the other way around?

I guess that's why I see God as not there, not listening, not caring. ExH was not at all religious, I was the one that was. Look where that got me!

OW is quite religious. Look where that got her!

What's wrong with this picture?!

Yeah they have to live with themselves, but they compartmentalize it all and tuck it away somehow, so it doesn't affect their lives.

Some days I wish I was the one that did wrong as it seems like the wrong-doers are happiest!

Cat