So I've been in a 9 year relationship, we weren't legally married, but considered ourselves to be married (ok, before everyone lays into me about this I know it's not the same etc etc...). Well it turned out she was carrying on an affair for a week while I was on a trip. We had a fight when I got back (I think she set me up the blow up) and she left the next day. That's when I found out about the other guy.

Well for the last 2 months she's stayed in contact and waffled back and forth about coming back and working things out etc. I've tried Plan A type techniques and been completely exhausted and depressed about the whole thing. All our friends and even her family have been supportive of me.

However last night I got into it on the phone with the OM. Only the second time I've spoken with him. He says they got married a week after she left. So basically they got married after they knew each other for two weeks. She has been wearing a ring around, but told a friend that it was just symbolic of the relationship with the OM. She won't speak to me now.

If she really is married then she's been lying and hiding it from everyone, me, friends even her entire family. I just don't know what to make of it. Why would she tell me she was thinking about coming back this whole time? Should I just try and move on? It's all just so bizarre and feels like it's happening to someone else.

You can never believe what an OM say's.

You need to check the local town records where they live to see if a marriage license was taken out. Expose this marriage to WW parents.

Then all that is left to for you to do is a plan B with her at this point. Send the plan B letter.

Why have you not told all her family and your family what OM said? And what she did (this last phase, I mean)? Do everything you can to NOT give this relationship legitimacy.

If this marriage turns out to be real (and you could just ask her, BTW):

She was never married to you and is now married to someone else.

You need to stay out of her life and her marriage.

The first thing I did was expose it to her family. Unfortunately her parents have passed, but her sister was incredibily angry. I guess i'll check the records on Monday but i'm sort of feeling like giving up at this point. It's just so overwhelming.

A different perspective for you:

BEFORE I was married (now 28 years) I was in a 14 year relationship in which I considered myself "committed" if not legally married.

That person (now deceased) could/would not marry me. He told me he'd been carrying a diamond ring (his grandmother's) waiting for the right moment to ask me to marry him, and he said;

"I just don't know why I cannot ask you." (after 14 years)

A light went off in my head and I finally terminated the relationship.

AFTER I was married, this same X boyfriend stalked me. NOW ready to ask me to marry him. It scared me, but more than that, it really pissed me off. He used to call my parents every now and then, as a means to check up on me. This was creepy and not romantic in my eyes.

PLEASE, if you find out she IS currently married, leave her alone. She's made a decision and you are not, nor have you ever been, her HUSBAND.

This does not mean you are not in pain.
But endure the pain, learn from this and recover yourself on a personal level.

I do admit a bias in your situation. The bias is that you never married, which shows me that marriage is not important to you, including your X-girlfriends marriage (if this is true).

So, get the facts.
Is she married.
If she is - go away. Quit poking your nose into her marriage.
If she is not married - you can try to make yourself as ATTRACTIVE to her as possible.

The question you must ask yourself:

Is marriage important to me? Do I respect and honor marriage as an institution?

nexus, I agree with Pepperband, please leave this woman alone. She was a free agent and is free to move on and pursue her life. There was no committment here so there is nothing to save.

If she is married, you would be interfering with someone else's marriage.

nexus, what happened here is that you were renting the car and someone else came along and BOUGHT that car. That is fair play.

If I go up to the car lot and tell the owner I am "committed" to a certain car but never pay him or sign papers, then he is free to sell the car to the first buyer. He owes me nothing.

You didn't put a ring on it.

AHEM, Miss Melly.

You agree with whom?

I kind of knew this would happen. Rather than offer real advice in this situation all the "it wasn't legal so it doesn't matter" people come out of the woodwork to gloat.

Look, this relationship follows all the classic patterns of an affair. This isn't just cheating on your high school crush. Her sister and I are worried for her safety with this guy who seems to be pretty aggressive and controlling. Also the way she didn't tell anyone about her marriage (assuming it's true) and he has been isolating her from everyone she knows.

So, should I just go to Plan B basically and hope that the marriage breaks up, which seems likely considering the guy and the circumstances of the wedding (assuming it's real)?

Go to plan B and hope for the best. If true, she's married. As for the guy being controlling, worried for her safety, etc, that's her sister and parents concern now.

You seem prepared to accept only advice that tells you what you want to hear. Why do you see people pointing out that you should stay out of her marriage as gloating?

Pep's advice is correct:

I'm not saying I shouldn't stay out of their marriage, for my own sanity as well. What I'm saying is since the marriage seems so ill conceived should I just move on or should I try a Plan B?

But, yes, I think the people who say "well you didn't put a ring on it" minimize the depth of our relationship.

However deep it was, it was not a marriage. Is pointing that out "gloating", which is what you said above?

Do you really think that the fact that you were never married makes no difference?

I realise that you went over this argument many times with various people in the threads that disappeared. You do not accept Dr Harley's views of how the two relationships are different and you do not accept those arguments from anybody here. The problem is that people here believe in the unique, binding, legal and public status of marriage (and the religious status, if they made their vows before God). Married people make a public and legal commitment to stay faithful and to care for and honour each other until death. When we make that commitment we know what we are signing up for. There is a publicly and legally understood view of marriage, understood between the spouses themselves, and between them and the rest of the world.

There is no such understanding of living together. It might be a practical and financial arrangement. It might be a trial marriage. It might be a quasi-marriage. It might be lack of commitment by one or both parties. Whatever the arrangement it is not a declaration to the world at large, and sometimes, it seems, each individual in the arrangement might have his or her own view of it, unknown to the other. Your ex-girlfriend might have felt that she was not married to you and free to leave and pursue other interests. That is certainly how she eventually behaved, and you do not have the moral background of marriage from which to say she was wrong to do this. She was wrong to date or sleep with someone behind your back, but she has left you and is not doing this behind your back any longer, and she has apparently married someone else. However bizarre her marriage might seem, she has the moral right to marry.

Dr Harley's plans are designed to be used in marriages, where the legal, public and often religious commitment has been made and believed in by both parties. It is doubtful whether the plans will have much impact without the moral force that marriage brings to the concept of adultery.

The part of Plan B where you insulate yourself from her marriage (not her "affair") to avoid being hurt will be good for you. The part of Plan B where you wait for the marriage (not "affair") to end is up to you. Do you want to wait for her? If so, for how long? I don't think there is any "should" in this; if you want to wait you will, regardless of what anybody here says.

I certainly do not think you should send her any kind of Plan B letter telling her you are waiting (if she is legally married), because you should not be trying to undermine her marriage by having any emotional interactions with her. You may not wish her well in her marriage but you should respect its status and stay out of it completely.

Dr Harley's plans were created during extensive research on what works for couples in traditional marriages.

From the blurb about his book Defending Traditional Marriage:

Traditional marriage is a permanent and sexually exclusive relationship of extraordinary care between one man and one woman.

Defending Traditional Marriage

If your relationship was never established publicly and legally as a permanent relationship, then the methods devised by Dr Harley to help and support traditional marriage are not likely to work. If you have altered the model of traditional marriage to suit your own desires, Dr Harley's plans are unlikely to be applicable.

Nexus,

You are receiving the brutal truth here. But, you need to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you didn't marry her. My take is she was dying for commitment and jumped at the first opportunity.

nexus,

Permit me to be blunt here. We are not minimizing the depth of your relationship. What we KNOW is that for whatever reason you or your GF never had the "depth" of relationship to make it permenant, someone in this relationship has been holding back for YEARS.

I don't know if it was you or if it was her, but someone was not committed enough to make it a real marriage.

Now if she has married the OM, apparently he was willing and so was she. This means quite simply you are out and you need to stay out. Why? Because clearly she was NOT THE RIGHT GIRL FOR YOU. If she were, you two would not be talking about a 9 year relationship, you would be talking about a marriage.

Those are the FACTS. Pep has been where you have been. I and others have been in long term relationships that ended. The difference is that most of us have now been married for many decades and know the difference between a relationship and a marriage...you don't yet. You will when you find the right woman.

Oh! and whether the marriage is ill conceived or not is really none of your concern. While painful to do, you need to move on. You now know she is willing and capable of throwing you over the side without so much as an apology or explanation. You don't need a woman like that in your life. Oh, and spare me the "evil OM" made her do it. She did it because she wanted to and whether she was lied to or not, she made the decision, she pulled the trigger on the affair, she moved out, and she may now be married. ALL HER DECISIONS!

So step back, heal, learn, and perhaps figure out why a 9 relationship never turned into a marriage. I suspect there is a lot for you to learn in this area.

JL

Let me tell this as a parable. Metaphorically speaking, you had a cow. You had her for years, but you never actually bought the cow, nor was there any fence around her for either protection or containment. Now she's left the pasture, and apparently found someone willing to pay the price AND build a fence. If this is true, you are now on the outside of the fence looking in. There is no way inside. The pasture belongs to another bull, no matter HOW long you got free milk from the cow nor how much you enjoyed the cow (the milk, the cream, the butter, the cheese) while it was yours, and before she wandered out of the paddock and into a more appealing field with an actual fence.

Of course, if she's lying about being married, there is no reason why you can't try to win her back. The question there would be: Why do you want to? But that's a whole different parable, I think.

tl