Hello everyone..I really need help. I am depsperate..I sent an e-mail to my wife yesterday as follows:

Hi
How are you doing?? Don�t worry I�m not sending you anything related to affairs or any stuff like that. I�ve done enough �lecturing�.
I do want to ask you one question though if you don�t mind giving me an honest answer. Did you mean what you said below or was it completely out of emotion?? Think about it.. I just want an honest answer. Really..Be honest..
��I know that I care about you. I care about what you do and what happens to you. I am sorry I hurt you, and saying I didn't mean to, means nothing, I understand. I know that you are still angry with me. I understand, I get it. But I know as well as you do, that we have our children together, and we will always be a big part of each other's life, forever. I want that, I need that for me and for them. I do love you, and I really miss having you in my life, even if just as a friend. I thought we were getting there......
So, if and when you can find it in your heart to really forgive me, and I hope you will, I want you to be a big part of my life, and I want to be a big part of yours. But I know that life isn't always fair, and I understand that if that never happens, I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. ��

She said she did mean it and she still does..She asked why I asked and I responded below


I ask because I want you to know what friendship means for me and what I need in order to emotionally open up and be friends with you or any one else. I think you can guess for me, friendship is about 1000% honesty, loyalty, trust & forgiveness. I know you have not succeeded all too well at this and I have had my shortcomings in the past but that is where forgiveness comes in. Friendship to me means being completely open with the other person. Radical honesty. It means taking actions to reinstate trust once it has been broken in such away. I need to know I can trust you and you can trust me 1000%. I will be honest. I am still very apprehensive about the situation and you working in the same place makes it tough for me to trust that somehow things will not lead down a slippery slope again as it has in the past so many times. I really want a fast forward button and not a rewind button and only your actions can prevent you from hitting that rewind button again. In order for me to open up I need to KNOW that you will avoid ALL contact. The reason why all the professionals say No Contact is mandatory is because they have seen it a thousand times where even when there is a bad breakup after the affair, if contact in its minimal form is opened up, it leads down a slippery slope even if those weren�t the initial intentions. It stops the emotional detachment and opens it up again, even if it is anger. I need to know that you will not contact him and if he contacts you that you will not pick up, or hang up, you will not respond to his e-mails, take his notes, �accidentally� bump into each other. I need you to be 1000% honest with me if he initiates some form of contact so that I (yes I) can contact him back. Not you. If I contact him back instead of you he will KNOW you are being 1000% honest with me and that is the choice you are making. If he wants to continue to lie and deceive his wife those are his issues but if he ever contacts you, leaves you a message for WHATEVER reason, �bumps� into you in the hallway, I need to know. Going down that path in my view would be a slippery slope and one that I am not willing to go back to ever again.

These are the actions that if you feel you can do then I can begin to work on forgiveness and repairing a friendship that could be very happy. This is friendship. This is love, this is caring. Please think about this.


She said she has no intention of contacting him which I do not beleive. She had a very DEEP connection with this man and the break up went bad and I think she wants to smooth things over with him for purposes of her self esteem. She said she does not know 100% that she won't pick up the phone if he calls but that she would tell me. I think DEEP down she wants the marriage to work but the break up with her soulmate occurred only a week ago and she is in major withdrawal. Don't know where to go from here. I tried to set boundaries above and she gave me a 90% committment. Where do I go. Do I act bright and cheery and do the holidays with her and the family to make her happy and see how she can be happy with the family. Do I limit contact. I don't know where to go. PLEASE PLEASE HELP.

Yep! You need to read the articles.

Plan A is about exposure and meeting her emotional needs. Read the form of needs and get her to participate after her withdrawal.

The above comment sound pretty good. Do it, but expect your taker to kick in after about 6 months. there is usually a rebellion to recovery after approx that time.

One of you needs to commit. Is that person you? Then tell her that you wish a new marriage... Continue reading the articles!

Some of you may know my story. MArried 15 years 3 children wife had a very deep "spiritual" affair as she calls the OM relationship. I finally exposed the affair after many months to the OM's wife and the OM and my wife turned on each other as the OM told my wife he doesn't love her enough to be with her. She saw that he has been cake eating and lying to her and now wants to move on but she is in MAJOR withdrawal now for two weeks. My question is where do I go from here. She is not ready to think about the marriage right now because she said she needs to move past her feelings for this man but she has not discounted the marriage entirely nor has she said she wants to try after she has moved past him. She says she loves me and care for me alot but she needs to get over this man.

Do I be freinds with her and be there when she needs me or simply move on. The holidays are here. Do I do the family thing for Christmas with the kids or act like a divorced couple. I do believe it is definately over with the OM and I would be able to verify because I have her passwords (without her knowledge). Do I slowly show her the love I have and try to have her see something new with us. If so how long do I wait for her withdrawal. How much contact should I have with her during this period. I'm so confused. I have seen the love busters list and I will work on avoiding those. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Welcome.
You have implemented Plan A, your exposure broke up the affair. I don't remember the Withdrawal Timeline, but two weeks sounds like the blink of an eye.
In Plan A you demonstrate how wonderful your marriage can be. It will feel like you are filling a bathtub by using an eyedropper. You won't get immediate results and you will want to give up. Here is where you draw on your inner strength. If you need support, the MB Boards is the place to ask for it.
If you act like a divorced couple, that's how you could end up.
Be confident, confidence is attractive.

There are people here who have saved their marriages and are happier now than they were before their spouses cheated on them. You can do this!

Thank You Bellevue.

I will look up plan A. I think your right about the divorced couple thing. If we act like that, that is what we will be. With that in mind I will spend the holidays with her. My fear though is that they work together, on opposite ends of the campus, and it will make it difficult for her to let go. She will not leave her job but she has said this is the final breakup and she sees no future with the OM, but she admits it hurts either way.

Not sure when or how to approach her on the emotional needs thing. I'm thinking during the holiday break when she has had time away from school for a few weeks.

Thank you for the support. I really need it right now. I feel like this exposure thing brought me back to day one of the affair (emotionally speaking).

Foridapad,

I thing where you go from here is plan A, but one that is not mentioned as often as it used to is the concept of an evaluation point in plan a.

Your W is not the only one that has to deal with OM's presence in your marriage you do. What are your plans? One part of the plan is to set a date where you evaluate the marriage, how you feel, what your goals are. After withdrawal, recovery is not for wimps. It will take all of the love you have to preserve this marriage. So at your evaluation point, see if there is progress albeit small progress. Are you seeing baby steps? Are you still feeling like you want to save this marriage? How is your energy level? Has your W developed any plans to help restore this marriage? Have you two talked?

Are you getting my point? Right now this is too new for you to make any decisions, but eventually you must. So must your W. She cannot expect to sit on the fence and play house with you for any lengthy period of time.

Meanwhile, be nice to your W, focus on your kids, have a good holiday period and work on yourself.

You need more data, and the best way to collect it is to move ahead with plan A, set your evaluation points, and see what your W does.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,
JL

The rule of thumb is Plan A 6 months for a guy but only 6 weeks for a lady. The next step is Plan B.

It is essential to learn how to avoid argument and meet her EN's without committing any lovebusters. You can restore your marriage just by doing these things. If her actions cause you to lose love for her, then it is time to do a Plan B.

Plan B is a loveletter that informs her of your desparate need to keep your love for her before it is killed. Leave her with an intermediary who will communicate as go between. The letter spells out the course of action she needs to take for recovery.

Plan B is a place where you can recover your own identity. The effect of the Plan A comes to bear where she holds good memories of you when you "departed".

Your efforts to regain your marriage will be harder than a divorce. The positive part of the effort is that you have the potential of great improvement as a husband.

Are you up for this?

Thank you all for the input. It has been so hopeful. I do want to add some additional info in case it might change your guidance. A happened 1 year ago, seperated six months ago after she broke NC. She had seen him on and off after the seperation for the last 6 months (which I did not know about) and I finally decided to expose the A to the OMW because he would did not leave the workplace (which also happens to be my childrens school). She had an incredibly deep feeling with this affair, one she says she never felt with me. That is something I am trying like heck to get past. I know that affairs create feelings of intensity that can't be found in "normal" relationships because of the cake eating going on, but unless SHE accepts this and understands it my fear is that I won't be able to stay in the marriage or have any notion to want to try

Just learning - Great advice. I do want to save this marriage for now and I do have a list in my mind of things I need from her. (repentance, acknowledgement that affairs are not real world, etc. etc.) I do have a question!!!!!! are there any other things I should definatively hear from her in order for me to take her back should she decide.

Imagine - When you say rule of thumb for a lady is 6 weeks (or approximately), I'm not sure what you mean. Plan A for six weeks and then go to Plan B?? This affair has been on a and off again for quite sometime but now that exposure has occurred it appears final. For me, divorce is harder than recovering my marriage. I for now can't wait to start recovering my marriage. I can't wait to learn about myself and my wife during the process. Thats what gives me my strength. Wanting to learn to make a great relationship and applying it.

Thank you both for the input. Very helpful

Whoa!

Recovering marriage on MB is about the Plan A and Plan B method. You (a guy) must spend approx 6 months doing a Plan A.

I do believe that a divorce is hard work. Going through adultery can be even harder. There is a formula here that works on the the predictability of a WS. An affair is almost always sweeter. More tender. You cannot fight fantasy.

Sadly, you cannot educate them either -not while they are in the fog. Sometimes there is no apology, yet the marriage continues healthily.

Recovery occurs when you meet each others EN's. Some folk say that they have a better marriage after the affair -but this is not a rule.

I hope that your wife escapes from the fog and repents for the damage that she has caused to the household.

Sterkte (South African expression which means -Have strength)

Floridapad-

I read your post with great interest because I am in a similar situation as you (see my post here called "Coasting along...What do I do now?").

I wish I could offer you help, but I need just as much help as you do. My wife's EA "I think" is over - but she has still filed for divorce and we have retained attorneys.

My goal is the same as yours - to do whatever it takes, within reason and without losing my self respect, to save my marriage. I have three small children (all 8 and under) who do not deserve what their mother has in store for them. That is, to force their father out of their house, and have a part-time mom and a part-time dad (sharing of child custody).

My wife thinks that the grass is greener out there. She thinks there is no hope for us, there is no hope for her happiness with me, and our kids will be fine after a divorce. In reality, she is giving up just when a new beginning is around the corner and a new beginning for our marriage can occur.

It sounds like your wife is feeling the same way. I hope your situation doesn't get as far as mine (filing for divorce). I guess I can offer one piece of advice, and that is to continue doing what you are doing - be the best person and husband and father you can be. As hard as this is to hear (because I've heard it myself), if things turn out not as you had hoped, at least you will come out the better person.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I appreciate your posts because I really connected with your story, and I pray I will someday read about some good things happening between you and your wife.

Good luck...

Whoa I just got real angry. My wife and I had a conversation today about lying and she said she just wants to get past her feelings for this man and she intends to focus 1000% on me. She needs to work through them alone and she is afraid talking about the A right now would not be productive in light of our emotions. That is the FIRST time she mentioned anything about focusing on me and the marriage. I should have been happy. Why am I angry and irritated. Perhaps I've been fighting for this marriage so long. Is this a normal feeling right after your WAW says she wants to focus on me after she gets past this guy?

Imagine- Thank you for the clarification on the 6 month thing.

Jrnyman - My wife and I have seperated. I told her if she wants a divorce, lets divorce. I stopped fighting her and made the changes I needed to make for myself. I was not fighting anything with her. I think it kept her from running so far so fast. She hasn't mentioned divorce since we seperated. She wanted space and I gave it to her. I told her I needed to detach and please don't call me text me etc, because she was cake eating. Once I got myself back I started opening up to her. In all of this time I NEVER talked about us but we did talk about the affair a bit.

FloridaPad, you need to click the notify button at the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to merge this thread to your old one. There is no reason to create a separate thread for each new thought or question. If you want them to change the title of your thread to reflect new news, just send mod alert to request that. Many newbies make the mistake of starting a half-dozen threads with different ideas. Keeping it all in one place makes it easier to get good advice.

You are right - you should have been happy.
Listen when she talks. Do not punish her for being honest.

Your irritation: Possibly your taker is kicking in and demanding progress. I would like to know as well. It does not sound normal. Post if you can figure it out!

Maybe it's because she said she wants to work through it alone. If my W said that, my first thought would be she's lying, and covering her actions so you wouldn't be breathing on her neck.

My second thought would be that saying 'talking about the A would not be productive' is her GASLIGHTING you so that she doesn't have to deal with any consequences.

And he!! yeah, I'd be unhappy about that.

Until she is repentent, remorseful, and asking YOU how she can make it up to YOU, no matter how much talking, counseling, whatever is involved, she's trying to get away with something.

And if you don't hold her feet to the fire, she WILL have another affair.

btw, do you have a GPS phone in her car or other way to see where she goes? If not, do NOT let her drive.

OK I have written a Plan A letter with the help of Jennifer Harley. It goes over the path to reconciliation and restoring love. It talks about a happy future together and how to get there. My intention was to give it to her and then give her tons of space.

My question is when do I give it to her. She is SO DEEP in affair fog right now she is grieving HEAVILY. Very depressed. I don't think she wants to leave fantasy land in her mind and heart yet and this letter two weeks after her NC with OM may have little or no affect. Should I wait a few more weeks.

What actions can I take to wake her up from the affair fog, without pissing her off.

I do have access to all her e-mail accounts without her knowledge. (We are seperated). My thought was to give it some time before I bring up the A again because I have been doing it every single time I see her. She has mentioend to a freind that part of her fear to coming back to the marriage is that she will have to hear about it for the rest of her life.

I never heard of plan A letter's, only know of plan B letter's.

JH should of told you when to give it to her. I would think that if she had you write the letter it should now be the time to send it.

What are you talking about? Are you going into Plan B? That means you will have NO ACCESS to her and vice versa. Is that what you are planning? If she is in NC, why are you not talking about your requirements for reconciliation?

FP,

Jennifer may offer you guidance on the timing of giving her this letter. YOu asked me earlier

You need to decide what YOU need to believe that it is the right time to take her back. There is not set thing. The only absolute is that OM must be out of the picture and completely out of contact with your W.

As for the timing of the letter, I say that "timing" things in this mess is very hard to do. If you have the letter written, and it expresses what you what to see and what you feel, give it to her. I would suggest that you not expect anything in the way of response. My view is that this letter is planting a seed which will have to germinate and grow before you see anything. So send her the letter with no expectations of a response, certainly not a positive response.

Those are my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

I am SO confused as what to do but this is what I AM going to do today.

She is in heavy withdrawal as NC from OM just happened 2 and half weeks ago. I drafted a "path to restoring love" letter outlinging the caring protection, time together etc etc. She is obviously uncertain as to whether or not she wants the marriage but rest assured if she could fall back in love with me tomorrow she would say let's do it. That's not going to happen.

I am going to give her the letter tonight and ask her what is the best case scenario. For us to fall in love? for our children to live in a two parent household? etc. etc. I assume she will say yes. I will give her the letter and say here's the path. People do it all time. I am then going to do the 180's and give her space. I am not NCing her. JH said to do the letter now, but I'm not sure how much contact I should have with her after the letter. We are seperated but should I do the holidays together, should I let her see what it is like in a divorced family, should I invite her out to dinner with the kids once in a blue moon. Not sure how much contact I should initiate vs her. I will say this. Writing this letter was the last bit of giver I had at this point. I need a bit of a break from giving and detach a bit. I feel myself getting a bit angry sometimes.

Please HELP!!!!

FP, do what JL said and give her the letter. DON'T DO the 180, the Harley's don't advocate that at all. Instead, look for opportunities to be with her without being pushy and obnoxious. As she withdraws, you want to be there as someone she can DRAW TO.

Spending the holidays together would be awesome. I am so glad you are counseling with Jennifer.