I am new to the forum, but am very thankful that I found it. I have no one to talk to about this problem, but am not dealing with it very well on my own. Let me start off by saying that my husband did not have an actual sexual affair with this person. I am not even convinced that it was truly an emotional affair. I have no doubt that he is not in love with her.

Ok. Let me give a little background. This woman is his best friend. They have been friends almost as long as I have known him (30 years!)He has gone through many problems in the last year due to health and financial issues, and has had severe depression. She has also been having problems due to an emotionally abusive husband which has resulted in a recent separation and eventual divorce. This being said, they have had ongoing, extensive communications. I have had no problems with this, because I knew that they needed each other and I trusted both of them. I also knew that there was sexual "bantering" going on between them. I know I was stupid for allowing this, but as I said I trusted them. I guess I also figured if they had anything to hide, they wouldn't be telling me about it.

The problems started in April. My husband started being a little secretive about their conversations. Other things just didn't seem right either. He would either be asleep all of the time or grumpy with me and the kids, but if she called or texted he would suddenly be wide awake and in the best of moods. Finally, I asked him a specific question about their emails and texts. He denied it, but I didn't believe him, so I went into his email account. Not only did I find out that he had lied, I found out that that things had gone farther than I ever expected. Let's just say that I found emails with graphic sexual content about what he wanted to do to her and have her do to him. There were also pics, that went waaay beyond my comfort levels. I confronted him about it, and he admitted what had been going on. He said that he loved me and that it wouldn't happen again. He said that it was just an "ego boost" that someone thought of him that way, but that nothing physical had EVER happened, and never would. That neither one of them wanted that. Btw, her responses to his emails were a complete change of the subject (nothing at that time was out of line on her side at all). We went on as if nothing had happened. And I slowly regained my trust (or so I thought!)

Well recently, he seemed to become secretive again. If I asked to borrow his cell phone, he would erase things before giving it to me etc. It got my curiosity up, so I asked him if anything had been going on between them again. He said that there were minor conversations, but that was it. I asked him if pics had been sent, and he denied it on his part. He said that he didn't know if she had sent any because if she sent a pic and didn't tell him specifically what it was, he would delete it without looking. I asked him, "can't you tell what it is by looking at the thumbnail?" He said that his email didn't show thumbnails. I din't believe that so I sent him a pic of me and made him open it in front of me. Of course there was a thumbnail! He claimed that when she sent pics there wasn't one. He told me to look in his email, and see that there was nothing there. Little did he know that I had already checked and found two pics of her (one I knew about and one I didn't!) The one I didn't know about was extremely out of line as far as I was concerned! Well, after he said that there was nothing there, I went back into his mail and they were gone, but they were magically in his trash file. They had been there for several days, but the minute he tells me that there was nothing there, they disappear??? I confronted him about it, and he once again denied any knowledge of the pic. I told him that I had forwarded it to my email and made him look at it in front of me to let him see that I had proof. I told him that I didn't not understand why she would send a pic like that, if there had been no graphic conversations between them. I also told him that it made no sense that he would delete pics without looking at them if things had been perfectly innocent. For what reason??

He swears "on our love" that nothing has been going on, but I am having serious trust issues! I just don't know what to do. If I could prove it one way or another to myself, maybe I could get passed this. I want to trust him, but for some reason I am not. I told him that I would not leave him over it either way, but for my own sake I HAD to know the truth. I told him that I would forgive him if he would come clean now, but if I found out something later, I would not be able to. I have talked to her, and I already know that she is not being completely honest, but I also know that she isn't interested in a relationship with him other than friendship. I truly believe this, but I am so confused! As I have said, he is in bad health, and I could never leave him (especially without proof), but I have no way of getting that proof since all emails and texts have been deleted. I just can't go forward while I have doubts, but I don't even know if I have reason to have doubts.

Any advice on how to get passed this one way or the other? I know that he loves me, and I know that he DOESN"T love her. But how can I regain trust if I don't know if I CAN trust?

I remember posting something similar on another website, inquiring if what i had discovered indicated an affair. I was so naive and, basicall like you, trusting, that despite the incredibly clear evidence of cheating, I was still doubtful.
One day, you will go back and look at your inquriy here and ,as I have been, be amazed at how any reasonably bright person could have any doubt whatsoever about what is going on.
You do not know me from Adam, but I am certain others will point this out to you , as well: there is absolutely no chance that your H has not been cheating on you. Not a snowball's chance in hell.
You have some of the best evidence I have ever seen, absent actually walking in on them. You have graphic e-mails, pictures, and just a ton of lying.

I understand what you are saying. I have been incredibly naive! The problem is that I knew that SOME of this was going on. I knew there was sexual bantering, and I knew there were some pics. I just didn't know to what extent these things went. I do know that there has been NO actual sexual contact. She lives several hours from us, and since he is disabled, I can account for his time. Besides, some of his health issues would probably make that fairly close to impossible anyway. My problem is that I know he lied to me ONCE, but I can't prove that he is NOW.

emtswife, Welcome to MB.

I noticed that your WH (and he is a WH) said his OW has "an emotionally abusive husband.) Please be aware that it is very, very common for cheating women to say their husbands are "abusive". Sometimes they'll use this as an excuse for keeping their affair secret or to beg you not to expose to the betrayed husband.

Well, they must not be too worried about the abuse or they would not have taken the extreme risk of cheating on such a man.

Also, "my spouse is emotionally abusive/controlling" is usually just WS-speak for "my spouse is very angry and upset about my cheating and demands that I stop."

Okay - even IF these two have not actually gone physical in real life, they have crossed every other line there is and have thoroughly crapped all over your marriage.

You don't need any other "proof." The disgusting sexual emails and pictures they exchange, the time they spend on each other instead of with their spouses, and the lies and lies and lies they heap up like mounds of garbage are far more than enough to destroy anyone's relationship.

Are you really okay with this stuff as long as they're not actually scr*wing? Because that's what these two want you to go along with, and your WH is trying is best to convince you that since they didn't actually have sex they didn't do anything wrong (and if it's not wrong, there's no reason to stop.)

Don't fall for that. I would suggest you get a copy of *Surviving an Affair* and read the articles at this website. You are going to have to bust up this affair (and yes, that's what it is) if you want to save your marriage.

It's time to take out the trash. Your WH isn't going to do it, so that leaves you. Good luck and keep posting. The folks here will help you all they can.
Mulan

emt,
Zelmo is right. Your H is cheating. My H also had a friend. I found all that evidence also, but just COULD NOT BELIEVE he was cheating. I finally hired a PI...end of story.

You need to save all of this evidence. This is an A and it is ongoing. Adulterers lie. They will stare you in the eye and lie. You CANNOT believe what he is telling you. He's trying to protect his addiction. It's time to break this A up.

You need to expose this A. You tell her family, his family and anyone else who has influence over them. Do not warn him. Just do it and do not apologize. This is not a tool of vengeance. You are trying to save your M and exposing the A to the light of day will help your WH and OW see their behavior through the eyes of the world. It is ugly. Stay calm when telling people. Just say that your WH is having an A with OW and you need their support. You love your WH and you want to save your M.

He is going to have to end contact with OW FOREVER. They can never just be friends again.

You need to continue to snoop and gather any other evidence. Don't believe for a second that he could never do this. We all thought that as well. Read up on PLan A and B here

Read all the other articles as well.

I'm glad you found us.

I agree with Mulan.
Here's the del, for some reason, you are clinging to the idea that because they did not physically have sex, this is somehow less of a betrayal. It is not. No person should have to be witness to his or her spouses direspect,lying and absolute betrayal. This is what your H has done.
Of course your H is lying. That is what cheaters do-they lie like crazy.
No normal, healthy , honest guy goes around sending graphic e-mails to women or sending and receiving inapproprite pictures. WTF is wrong with your H? I can tell you: it is that he is cheating his [censored] off with this woman.
I am so sorry you have been gaslit by his lies. I once read about a phenomena called the "Lie bias". Basically, it describes the proclivity we have to believe garbage from someone because this person is someone we love and trust.
If your sister or a friend came to you and decribed what you have found, really, would you have any doubt as to what is going on?

Thanks Mulan. There is something that I didn't add which may or may not have been important. Since they have been friends for so long, I do know her husband. We have spent quite a bit of time with them, and he WAS a first-class jerk to her. Even my 16 year old son commented on how mean he was to her.

Also, my husband isn't trying to convince me that they are doing nothing wrong. He is absolutely admitting that it was wrong. My problem is that he is claiming that nothing has happened since April, and I can't prove that it has (on his part anyway). I just don't know if I am obsessing about it without reason or if there is something I need to know.

I honestly don't think there was an EA. Well not in the sense that either of them was in love with the other or anything like that. I think it was strictly sexual (not that is ok either!). As I said, he has physical issues because of his health. I think on his part, it was a way to feel "more like a man" if that makes any sense. I think the problem was that I knew about his issues, but she didn't. On the computer or texts (with her), he could pretend things were working as they should, but in person (with me)he couldn't.

You should kkep your eyes open, then. And, her family and yours need to know. Then, you have more folks watching out for you.
What has he done to make "just compensation" to you for cheating?

I am sorry for your situation.

All of us here understand the experience you are going through.
To a lesser or greater extent, each of our stories is so very similar.

It is a good thing we are all so loving and trusting of our spouses and sad when the trust is abused/violated.

Reading the book Surviving An Affair and understanding how in the heck a once vibrant love relationship can be corrupted and put into such a state by a spouse crossing lines into infedelity is crucial to figuring out how to proceed from your side of the equation.

This is one big, challenging club. The club of the betrayed ones. We are pretty awesome people though....so all is not negative.

Hope you find your strength to enact a plan to have control over your life. (Again, the book is great for this!)

She has no family, and neither do I. His family probably wouldn't even know how to watch out for him since none of them use cell phones or computers, and he only has limited contact with them anyway. It may sound unbelievable, but she really is his only friend. That is a whole "other" story, but it was through no fault of his own. I think that is why I feel so alone in all of this.

I am not sure what you mean by "just compensation".

Your husband is wayward. Any relationship with a member of the opposite sex is at least an emotional affair when the people involved have to lie to their spouse about who, what, when or where they communicate. It is an EA when the two people share conversations that should only be shared with their spouse. It is an EA when time, money or experiences with their spouse are sacrificed in order to spend it with their affair partner.
Consider:
1.Your WHs best friend should NOT be another woman. It should be YOU.
2. Sexual 'bantering' - aka flirting - is a form of courtship. At the very least, it's a way one person lets another person know that they are available. Your H isn't available - he's married.
3. Your WH was grumpy with you and the kids because he needed the 'fix' that the OW could give him. That's why he would get so perky when she contacted him. He is addicted to the A.
4. He's not so disabled that he's able to send provocative pics of himself to her,is he.
5. And speaking of provactive pics - photos of lots of flesh usually equals familiarity. I wouldn't discount physical activity, unless your WH is bedridden with you or a physician by his side 24/7.
6. Your WH has lied to you, and probably still is.
7. Ask your WH to trade cell phones with you at a moment's notice and see what his reaction is.

I'm not sure what your goal is, emtswife. Do you want to end the A? Allow it to continue since it 'makes him feel like a man?' Just have him tell you the truth? What do you want to see happen?

Either way, there is one thing that you should do IMMEDIATELY: Expose the A to the OW's H! He has the right to know what his wife is doing. You have the proof if he doesn't believe you. He will probably be your most important ally in stopping all contact. And that's really the only way the A is going to stop - all contact between your WH and the OW has to cease. For life. If stopping the A and making your M healthy again is your goal, of course.

I agree with maritalbliss, please, please, please listen, go on this site and read everything, everything. You do not have to prove anything has happened since April. It already has happened. Start Plan Aing him to death. He might have health problems but he is not dead. All contact needs to stop now, immediately with OW and that is what she is not "best friend" if he needs a best friend, get him a dog! you are his best friend, you are the one to boost his ego, that is your job and your right alone. My WH had an EA, its real,it exists and it hurts worse than anything i have ever been through in my life. i am walking this path right along with you. you are here now, you are not alone, you are not crazy. you are however, worthy, lovable, and deserve repect, honor and to be cherished. hang in there and listen to the vets, they will give you the best advise you could ever get to go through this.

I'm not sure what your goal is, emtswife. Do you want to end the A? Allow it to continue since it 'makes him feel like a man?' Just have him tell you the truth? What do you want to see happen?


The problem is that I don't KNOW what my goal is! All I know is that I need to know the TRUTH. He swears he is telling me the truth and maybe he is. I don't have any proof that he isn't...just feelings. We are at a standstill because he can't prove that he HAS stopped, and I can't prove that he HASN'T. Maybe I am expecting tangible proof, when there just isn't any. I want to trust him, but I don't know how!

Well, how about he takes a polygraph, for starters.

ITA

If he says no or fudges or in ANY way says that he doesn't want to then he's still hiding details.

Sometimes they will say they will do it and then the BS feels comfortable just knowing that they would and it never gets done. Don't stop there. Make an appointment tomorrow. Tell him when it is. Then see what happens.

First, you download a keylogger on his computer.

Then, you contact the phone company and set up getting records of ALL transactions from/to his phone.

Then, you install a voice-activated recorder in his car (under the seat) and/or in his home if he is there a lot when you are not there.

You keep these records somewhere NOT in your house, so that he can't look for them and destroy them.

THEN you tell him you want him to take a polygraph.