Ry,


Dagnabbitt!!!!!!

I am truly sorry. My heart aches for you......

What do YOU want to do?? You've suffered plenty, but either way we have your back......

(((((Ry)))))

not2fun

rp

"They gave her the blackberry to use while doing the consulting job."

You speak of these consulting job being over.

Why would this Co. let her keep a BB and keep paying for to have free cell phone for her continued use?

***edit***

She destroyed the Blackberry that was given to her by her employer? How's she going to tell them about it? Kind of weird I mean yeah, she could lie to them and tell them it was stolen, I suppose. If she's telling the truth about the origins of the phone, that is.
I'd be doing some major league snooping.

I have a Blackberry.

It has a call log.

It also logs all emails in/out. Very easy to check.

OurHouse - Is there a way to check emails etc.. on blackberry without having password? WH has one. But changed all the passwords

I don't know how to get past the password--I don't have mine password protected. I think there is some software such as flexispy that you can load onto the phone--hopefully some others will chime in, or you can look on the snooping 101 thread.

Do you know any of his other passwords? You can try them on the Bberry. My H recycles about 2-3 PWs.

Sorry for the T/J rprynne--

I just thought of something else, CG. Before the board meltdown, there was a thread about hacking into Bberries. Maybe you can start a new one--that thread probably disappeared into the void. Someone posted that you can basically wipe the Bberry clean by trying a PW 10 times in a row. Then you can re-set it. So if you did that, you could then read all the emails, logs, etc. Of course, when your H sees that his PW won't work, he'll input a new one but at least you'll have seen what's there at the moment.

rprynne...

You have long been one of my favorites around here - you probably already know that, but I still wanted to say it! Your posts are so well thought out - intelligent - logical - you seem very kind, and remind me of Mr. W in many ways...The one place that you do seem to lack logic though is in your own situation - understandable of course...You know that I am one of the staunchest supporters of recovering a marriage here, but I really, really, really think it's time for you to "cut bait", buddy...I fear that you will lose the essence of who you are pretty soon if not - the last thing I want to see is for you to become terminally bitter and totally cynical - staying in this kind of abusive situation for such a long time would do that to anyone I believe...PLEASE help yourself...If ever there was a case for Plan B, (likely a permanent one) it is yours...I am begging you...this torture has gone on long enough...

And lastly, I am very, very sorry...(((((rprynne)))))

Mrs. W

I think you're being scammed, and worse, you're allowing yourself to be scammed.

If your (F?)WW was REALLY interested in recovering with you, she'd have done something like offered to get hold of ALL the call logs for that BB for you to go through, to make up for her "weak moment". As far as I can tell, she's only interested in protecting herself, hence her destruction of the BB.

IMO the time you spend with someone as deeply flawed as your WW is time wasted; time you could have spent with someone else who actually knows how to be open and honest, and how to respect and love their partner. And the thing is, you don't get those years back. There's no reset button in life.

And rprynne, I hope it is not lost on you now WHY she kept insisting on going to visit her sister who just so happens to live in the same place as OM...

The chief reason that POJA has never made sense to you is that MT has no interest in YOUR happiness...I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I want you to open your eyes, friend...

Mrs. W

rprynne, i'm so sorry.

Even dr Harley says in article "Overcoming resentment (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html)"

"With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree. "

I'm so sorry rp.

I agree with everything Mrs W has said. I love reading your posts here. They're always so well written and helpful.

You deserve so much better than this.

I have to admit that I was uneasy about your situation when you were posting on the "sacrifice" thread (I think it was that thread) about your WW wanting to do visiting alone to OM's town, her reluctance to see that this would hurt you and your struggle to POJA this issue.

How is your W handling this now?

Again, I am so very sorry.

All - Thanks for your support. I don't disagree with much of what has been posted. I'll comment on the blackberry in general and then respond to a few questions where maybe folks can help.

As a general caveat, I'll say that when I mention my WW says this or that, do not assume that means I believe it. It's just what she says.

On the Blackberry, I realize there's a bunch of her story that is not legit. Worst case, she's had it all the way since Feb '08, which was the last time her cell phone had a call to OM on it. She destroyed it in front of me, so I know it was destroyed. And yes, she may go get another one. I realize she most likely destroyed it because the call logs were going to show much more contact with OM, than she confessed to. The consulting job will be over on 11/19. And she did also get a computer from the company she is consulting with, so it is not beyond the realm of possibility that they supplied a blackberry at that time, which was about 3 months ago.


If what my WW says is true, this is OM's pattern. Every 2-4 months, he calls with something, he thinks she needs to know. She says last time it was because a mutual friend was sick. Anyway, he calls, and then she starts up again. My WW consistently denies she has feelings for OM, but basically doesn't want to be "mean" to him.

I agree, the time to fess up would have been when OM called (or received the phone), but my WW just can't seem to get this. 25+ years of this approach seems to be a hard habit to break.


I don't know yet, but I appreciate the support.


As said above, the consulting job is not done yet.


Thanks MrsW. I'm not sure what I will do. I wish folks could believe me when I say I do see my situation logically. But I can't decide whether I am being scammed (as MiM opined) or am married to a woman who just has major issues. This may not matter to some, but I feel that if I am being scammed, then it is an easy decision to move on. But if it is that my WW just has major issues, then I feel a certain moral obligation to honor my "better or worse" part of my vows and try to work through this.


It's not.


The same way.

Anyway, I'll figure it out.

What I hope someone could help out with "logic wise" on this is, if it is as bad as it seems (i.e. been keeping it going with OM all along) why the heck did she come home. A year ago, I finally figure that I'm being scammed, I go to a lawyer, I get the divorce stuff going and tell her I want a divorce. Then she quits her job, comes home, starts counseling, opens her accounts to me, shares passwords, we sell our house, move to a new place, etc., etc., all the right moves.

What could she possibly gain by doing all that if her intentions are to keep the A going? My state is a no fault divorce state, so the A would not matter in court. We have no kids to argue custody over. If she wanted out, why not accept the divorce, (or not move in with me when we moved.) And it's not cake eating, because there are no emotional needs of hers that I'm meeting that OM wasn't meeting as well.

Sorry if this post is a bit rambling.

Question:
Answer:
Enough said.

And let me remind you:

And finally:
Why do people have affairs, rprynne?

Because they are exciting!

They sneak, they lie, they see what they can get away with. It is a thrill.

Cheaters don't WANT to leave their spouse, because their spouse satisfies SOME ENs, while the OM satisfies others. If they wanted OM to satisy all ENs, they'd just leave you and shack up.

All you did by trusting her was let them have another year and a half of more exciting SF.

Hey, she is using you and playing with other guys for fun. She could care less about YOU. But she does feel comfortable being with you for now, sort of like you are an old pair of shoes. To break off with you and go to the other man, well, that would take something she does not have. Courage!

Those three words speak volumes rp. I'm sorry.

I expect you have a boundary about contact and I also expect that she knows of this boundary? What did she risk with the contact? I certainly know what my boundary is if BB has any contact at all with his OW. He'd be out of the door, and the locks would be changed. They's be welcome to each other and could rut in the mud to their hearts content.

Did she think she may lose you but did it anyway?

Does she have respect for your boundaries rp?

I expect she agreed to EP's and I expect that one of the EP's was something along the lines of "never be the cause of rp's unhappiness", as well as the expected NO CONTACT WITH OM EVER no brainer. She knew the contact would hurt you so why did her wants trump your needs?

I admire your desire to honour your vows but for now I would say you need to protect yourself from someone who is capable of causing you the deepest of hurts, of understanding that pain, yet is willing to do it all over again and again. It takes a special sort of wayward to do that IMO.

I'm sorry rp. My feeling is that she needs to feel real consequences now and I would plan B her and see if that alters her perspective.

Her "doing the same" wouldn't cut it for me.

"if it is as bad as it seems (i.e. been keeping it going with OM all along) why the heck did she come home....
What could she possibly gain by doing all that if her intentions are to keep the A going? My state is a no fault divorce state,....If she wanted out, why not accept the divorce,"

Because WW wants the best of both worlds.

What ever is the value of your house, WW would have to live in a house worth half the value post divorce.

WW standard of living would go down. The stigma of being divorced may bother her. Prevent people from finding out the reason for the D was her cheating.

WW has nothing to gain to dump you, and too much to give up once you are gone.

Cat, Bubbles and Sere - Yep, you guys are right.

I don't know what my mental block on this is. I'm gonna have to get therapy or something. I told myself (and her) if she broke no contact again, that was it. I tell her to get out, then she looks at me, all sad and teary, says she's sorry, it was a mistake, she wants to try again and before I know it, I feel like the bad guy. I don't have this problem anywhere (or with anyone) else in my life.

Perhaps TR, I just don't know.