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Update: I went down to the county records office at the behest of her sister and it looks like they're not legally married. According to her sister it was a 2am "ceremony" kind of thing. However he is. The divorce isn't final yet and he has kids. So yes there is some adultery going on here, ugg.

She called me yesterday, but didn't really get into anything, but said that "I need to be a priority" whatever that means. This thing is so bizarre.

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Originally Posted by nexus6
Update: I went down to the county records office at the behest of her sister and it looks like they're not legally married. According to her sister it was a 2am "ceremony" kind of thing. However he is. The divorce isn't final yet and he has kids. So yes there is some adultery going on here, ugg.

She called me yesterday, but didn't really get into anything, but said that "I need to be a priority" whatever that means. This thing is so bizarre.

Well then....seems like you have some exposure to do to OM's wife. She definitely has a right to know whats going on especially his family.

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Yep, trying to find his wife's name now. Her sister is going to handle the contact.

Has anyone ever tried an "intervention" style thing. Her sister and brother-in-law are thinking of coming into town and were thinking something like that might provide a dose of the real world. This guy seems to be trying to cut her off from everyone, which is kind of scary.

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Poor cow. Two bulls, and nobody willing to either make a purchase or build a fence. faint

tl

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Originally Posted by nexus6
Yep, trying to find his wife's name now. Her sister is going to handle the contact.

Has anyone ever tried an "intervention" style thing. Her sister and brother-in-law are thinking of coming into town and were thinking something like that might provide a dose of the real world. This guy seems to be trying to cut her off from everyone, which is kind of scary.

Is she a submissive person? Thats what I am getting. Honestly most women I know would put him in his place for pulling that crap...then again Most women I know are italian and keep a rolling pin handy.

But honestly....like a doctor I knew use to say...never self diagnose before the lab results are in. Here are the things you KNOW. 1 She isn't married.....2 He is......3 She is an adult who unfortunately like all Americans she has the right to make decisions for herself. You might not like the result of those decisions but that is her god given freedom as an American. If she has gotten herself into this mess.....you cannot force her out of it unless she wants out. SHE has to want it. If her sister wants to do an intervention let her.....have you ever watched the show intervention? The family meets with the intervention co-ordinator and then they all confront the person who needs help. People who love and care for her. Generally it is only family members and a boyfriend or fiance she is in a relationship with.

I am not so sure you being involved in the intervention (if it happens) is a good idea. It might even make things worse. Should her family do this she will know they do not support her in this relationship. If your there you will probally be blamed for EVERYTHING and be used as the emotional scape goat for her to get out of it. And in the end it is HER decision for what happens. If it is just her family the emotional state of the intervention might stay calmer for her to make a more rational decision.

Just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by nexus6
Update: I went down to the county records office at the behest of her sister and it looks like they're not legally married. According to her sister it was a 2am "ceremony" kind of thing. However he is. The divorce isn't final yet and he has kids. So yes there is some adultery going on here, ugg.

She called me yesterday, but didn't really get into anything, but said that "I need to be a priority" whatever that means. This thing is so bizarre.

Redemption....DUDE

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I wasn't thinking I should be part of the "intervention". I'm starting to realize with the help of my counselor and her sister that she's probably in the early stages of alcoholism. Which would explain some of the bizarre behavior.

Her sister also pulled a background check on the guy and he appears to be a pretty shady guy with a felony theft convictions from when he was younger. However, I'm realizing that no I can't save her unless she wants to be saved, so it's time for me to start worrying about me now.

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Nex,

Kudos on finding out The Truth instead of buying into lies.

Remember some key components..

#1 - Affair partners always affair down. He'll be a creep no matter what, 'k? If you both considered yourselves married without the paper, then you MUST consider this adultery. That's the only rational way to look at it through your experience.

#2 - You BOTH played fantasy marriage...without being married. You did it for nine years, playing house and living together. Are there children, btw? Because you BOTH chose to do this, play married, you have her continuing (nothing new) in fantasy...and only you got off the train, and stepped into reality. (Kudos again.)

#3 - Since you both declared yourselves married, then you can do the brave thing and file for separation/divorce from your common-law wife. See, separating nine years of stuff, mutual debts, finding the lines of what separates yours from hers, is essential to bringing that reality you are now in.

Stop avoiding conflict...it's part of the reason you are where you are. And YOU will repeat these patterns no matter who you are with...for you aided and abetted her in her wayward mindset. If you make this all her fault...and not own the half which was yours, then you'll repeat and repeat...and that's a lot of continued pain to distract from in your future.

How about make new boundaries around your choices...that you will not live with a girlfriend until you're married? That you will hold yourself to choosing your actions instead of living reactively? Where you will have predetermined way of addressing conflict, knowing and verifying the truth, eliminating assumptions?

And choose whether or not you are going to fight to redeem the last nine years, assess your risks (you're risky and so is she), or move on (which means if there are no children, going no contact with her and her family).

Make your goal for your life...is this what you want again in the future, or do you really want to live differently? In what way? And then plan to that goal...hold yourself to your new goal and plan...and thrive, 'k?

LA

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Originally Posted by nexus6
I wasn't thinking I should be part of the "intervention". I'm starting to realize with the help of my counselor and her sister that she's probably in the early stages of alcoholism. Which would explain some of the bizarre behavior.

Her sister also pulled a background check on the guy and he appears to be a pretty shady guy with a felony theft convictions from when he was younger. However, I'm realizing that no I can't save her unless she wants to be saved, so it's time for me to start worrying about me now.


KUDOS to all of the MB members helping Nexus versus those that were ready to throw him to the wolves for supposedly "RENTING" a spouse NINE years..REDEMPTION ROCKS! DUDE

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Not to hijack this thread or anything but I just have to say , Dude you remind me of a poster that was here when I first came here several yrs ago.

Your responses and such remind me of his. His name was lemomman. He was very direct just like you.... Keep up the good work.....

Hijack over .....

Okla


married 26 years to exwh
divorced 2006
3 kids
5 grandkids
remarried and very happy
exwh married OW and now is very unhappy
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Originally Posted by oklahappy
Not to hijack this thread or anything but I just have to say , Dude you remind me of a poster that was here when I first came here several yrs ago.

Your responses and such remind me of his. His name was lemomman. He was very direct just like you.... Keep up the good work.....

Hijack over .....

Okla

Thanks! I am Super Man! DUDE


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Originally Posted by Dude007
Originally Posted by nexus6
I wasn't thinking I should be part of the "intervention". I'm starting to realize with the help of my counselor and her sister that she's probably in the early stages of alcoholism. Which would explain some of the bizarre behavior.

Her sister also pulled a background check on the guy and he appears to be a pretty shady guy with a felony theft convictions from when he was younger. However, I'm realizing that no I can't save her unless she wants to be saved, so it's time for me to start worrying about me now.


KUDOS to all of the MB members helping Nexus versus those that were ready to throw him to the wolves for supposedly "RENTING" a spouse NINE years..REDEMPTION ROCKS! DUDE

Unfortunately, Nexus clearly indicated HE knew the difference between being married and "LIKE" being married. Any common law marriage spouse in any culture or society that recognizes such and internalizes such won't show up here qualifying their relationship...they will simply indicate they are married. A cheating live-in girlfriend remains NOT adultery so no "redemption" here, she's still free to date any suitor she fancies.

Originally Posted by nexus
So I've been in a 9 year relationship, we weren't legally married, but considered ourselves to be married (ok, before everyone lays into me about this I know it's not the same etc etc...)

Which is why this statement is so predictable:

Originally Posted by nexus
so it's time for me to start worrying about me now
.

Quite the "renter" statement...wouldn't you say? He just learned his "wife" isn't even married to this "om" but he's looking for the exit....without any of the complications of a messy divorce to deal with. Just gotta divide some property up, move out and move on just like any tenant.

However, kuddos to nexus for recognizing it's time for him to move on and look for healthier alternatives...this girl doesn't sound like marriage material anyway.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I'm Brave, I'll add my 3 cents worth (extra cent because of inflation)

I am a committed MBer. I live in a culture that has 3 legally recognised relationships that are considered to be either marriage or 'in the nature of marriage'

1. Stand up in front of a JP/spiritual leader, recite a few words and sign a piece of paper. You are now marriage.

2. Stand in front of a JP and sign a piece of paper. You are now in a Civil Union.

3. Shack up with someone for 3 years. You are now a Defacto Spouse.

All of these need lawyers to extradite yourself from if you decide to not continue with the relationship. NZ is theoretically a Christian based society, although I have some doubts skeptical So, should Nexus be living in NZ he would be considered legally bound to his partner, and be offered the same rights and responsibilities as anyone in the other two 'marriages'. That means that if there was a MB counsellor here, he would have the right to request MB based help.

Disco was a bad thing.


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Originally Posted by lildoggie
Disco was a bad thing.


Hahaha Another reason why I love you Lil! rotflmao

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>So, should Nexus be living in NZ he would be considered legally bound to his partner,

He's considered legally bound in Texas too. If he is here, he needs to see a lawyer and see what his options are.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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In the center of the universe here in the US of A there are some States where there are things such as common law marriages. Where shacking after a period of time usually ten years, people are considered married under the law.

As there are common law marriegs after set periods of time in the world. Even in the outer regions of the third world on the border of the fourth world as in NZ. laugh

In the US statistics show that the divorce rate is the highest in the marriages where people lived together many years before getting married.

They were never willing to make that initial committment.

How can on expect a marriage to last when people just go to full time dating to get full time SF?

This poster's thread point's this out. Neither were willing to say I do. They were unwilling to commit to be husband an wife.

Whether in a chucrh, court house, tribal setting, there was never a formal, recognized ceromony. They were not shipwrecked on an uncharted island with no hope of a priest floating in on a raft, let alone get rescued. They did not live in a place so remote that it would take them a six months to walk out to civilization to find a priest then repeat the trip to get back home.

This man is where he is because they both would not commit or if she would not and he was willing to settle for half a loaf thinking it would be better then none. Though sometimes none is better than half.

I am not against him wanting to save his relationship.

Being the way it started and progresed indicates that he places more value on it then it is worth.

Even Doc H say's not all marriages should be saved. But it is a choice for him to make. We are only pointing out the odds.

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I asked before, but maybe it got lost in the subterfuge:
Are there any kids in this relationship or are we talking about two single people?


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
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You miss the point of all these broken hearted posters. They are and must always be absolutist. It is the scar to the soul from being betrayed. There are no other relationships that equal marriage other than their defined version. If they give an inch on the definition, then they think, well, it never really was an ABSOLUTE relationship. Of course not! There heart has others in it from the past. They were never pure and you can bet they've been in love or intimate with other people before marriage(maybe even a previous marriage). Those people stay with them their entire lives. So in today's society, marriage is a partnership. Its an agreement to only have relations with their marriage partner til death OR divorce. No one wants to say that because no one wants to admit they had pre-marital sex and those sex partners stay w/ them FOREVER. It is for that reason alone that marriage has been forever altered. Now if you both saved yourselves, then yeah, you had the real deal. If not, you had an agreement. I will say it...DUDE

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nexus6 Offline OP
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Two single people. No kids. My comment about worrying about me wasn't that I was giving up, more that I need to progress to a Plan B type situation as the current one is driving me insane.

Unfortunately it's not a common law state, so yes technically she's free to walk and do whatever she wants.

Look, I've stated before that I should have "put a ring on it" and that I fell into the typical living together before marriage trap. It was just really easy to let things continue as they were. So enough with the lecturing OK.

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Originally Posted by nexus6
Two single people. No kids. My comment about worrying about me wasn't that I was giving up, more that I need to progress to a Plan B type situation as the current one is driving me insane.

Unfortunately it's not a common law state, so yes technically she's free to walk and do whatever she wants.

Look, I've stated before that I should have "put a ring on it" and that I fell into the typical living together before marriage trap. It was just really easy to let things continue as they were. So enough with the lecturing OK.

I think plan B is the best course of action for you. Plan B is not just a way to recover your relationship, it is also a path to personal recovery to let you move on if the wayward does not come back. You have invested a lot into your relationship. But, you have to determine for yourself if you are willing to do the time to recover your RELATIONSHIP before even considering marriage. From a practical standpoint, I would say you and the GF are at LEAST three years out from recovering enough to consider getting married.

Last edited by PSUBIKER; 11/12/09 10:52 AM. Reason: I spell like my exWW!

Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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