Sorry wife was logged in lol that was me.....

Ignore this post just testing email notification, thanks

I think the biggest surprise for me in this journey is how SIMPLE M is?? Not the doing (that still confuses the hell out of me) but the basics. The simple understanding that if a single EN isnt met an A is possible. We all try to blame many contributing factors but its really as simple as understanding EN's.

Also we talked about CAUSE of A. I was thinking circumstancial, feeling down etc.. he said 'NO TRY AGAIN', after trying a couple of times he said, think basics, think yourself. I just didnt see that affair was caused because I didnt protect my weaknesses with bounderies. Hard for me to accept as I always believe everything happens for a reason. So if I had A it was because I was depressed, she preyed on me, I enjoyed new friendship with stresses etc.... Nope I didnt protect my weaknesses of character and made bad decision afterbad decision off the back of that...

Hmmm...... thinking........

I do hope you'll tell us more about the session with Steve. I'm glad it made you think.

In the meantime, though, I understand that you and your wife are planning to go to the office Christmas party. Several of us have told your wife that this is a bad idea and that neither of you should go. At the moment she is arguing with us. She wants to show OW that she is strong and that you are not interested in OW.

We are telling her that going to the party is a form of contact for your wife and you. You must avoid all contact that is not necessary for work. (Any news on the shortlisting for the job through the friend's company? Are you looking at other possibilities in case that one falls through?)

Please withdraw from this party. It cannot be compulsory, even for management.

Your wife has flogged herself at the gym to look fabulous for that night, and she will be disappointed if you do not reward her efforts, so take her somewhere nice (not necessarily on that night; ignore the party altogether) and treat her like a queen. But please; no contact with OW by going to the party. Perhaps you could ask Steve about this next week.

Your wife is a strong-minded Italian woman (or "Italian woman" for short) and I don't envy you the task of saying no to her, but you must on this.

The Xmas party isnt compulsory, but unfortunately its a no win situaton for me. I dont want us to go for exactly the reasons you've stated but if I argue the point she will say im hiding something. That I dont want her to see me and OW together. So im trying to be supportive. Yes it could turn out VERY bad I dont doubt that for a second, im worried about her behaviour (acting natural, not obsessing, not confronting her etc..) but Im very guilty of underestimating my wife in these situations as she has shown me in the past, and yes shes very stubborn as your finding out. Im afraid this is her ultimate fantasy/obsession and anyone is going to struggle to change her mind.

Im going to be taking her to the store very soon so I guess we'll start with that and go from there.

I will give you an insight into Steve convosation a little later as my son has a doctors appointment in 15mins.

Thanks for concern, im in your corner opinion wise but in my wifes corner support wise.....

I hope everything goes well with your son.

It is not that the party "could turn out VERY bad"; it is that it will be bad anyway, fundamentally, by its very nature. Even if it "goes well" it will turn out badly.

You are not supposed to have ANY contact with OW, and neither should your wife. Any contact harms your recovery. There is no form of contact that could turn out well. I am not really talking about a scene being caused. I am referring to Dr Harley's insistence that any form of contact sets the recovery clock back to zero.

Please ask for Steve's advice on this, and ask him to talk to your wife. Steve is very good as getting through where the spouse fails, as you have seen yourself.

Lets put it this way, your eyes will NOT be able to wander ANYWHERE at this party, you might as well walk in with a blindfold on, if you are looking that way, you were looking at her, if you look this way your looking for her, the list continues, you wore that cologne for her, that suit for her, and that list continues, I know, because this is what I would say and do. The whole part of this is a NO WIN situation, its the nature of the beast, but you will be adding to the no win, if you go. There is not one thing you will "win" by going, but by not going, taking your W somewhere else, has more to win. Think about what going will prove or do in your best interest, what ONE thing will going to this party do for your M?

I will ask Steve next Thursday (our next session)

I DO agree that its going to be hard for me to appear to do anything right.

In terms of whats to be gained, my wife needs to see that 1) I dont care about OW feelings 2) OW shows guilt/fear/remorse (probably fear) 3) Im willing to stand up for her if it kicks off.

These might you all cringe but ny wife has been very good at knowing what shes needed all along and I havent given her that as I didnt understand it. Thats why im supporting her now.

I get what your saying, but, there are sometimes when something sounds good but at the end of the day it wasen't a good idea after all, I think this is one of those things.
Its a fantasy that your W might have some kind of resolution by going, by thinking there is some relief by going, to look better, to act like its all fine, the OW didn't win etc.

Hi E,

I've been lurking around on your thread for a while.

I found this post interesting, because my H and I have completed 4 sessions with Steve so far. My H told me, after talking with Steve, that the reason he had the A was because "I did not protect my weakness."

I thought this was way too simple and vague, and I didn't feel satisfied with it. I reasoned that there was more to it than that, and your post enlightened me. I get it now. Thanks!

Keep posting about your sessions if you don't mind... it may help me to understand better more of what H says to me after our sessions. H is definitely communicating with me more, and is being more open and honest, but sometimes I need the 'meat' behind what he says, and it's just hard for him to explain it further. He is trying though, so I give him points for that.

As I said I would rather not go, the work xmas parties arent something thats really interested me before let alone now.

But my wife feels SO strongly about this and has done for at least 6 months that I feel im best placed to support her. Maybe im not helping myself or us with this stance but if we dont go she'll always regret it and think what if, even if we do something together instead. At least if we go, shes tried and we deal with whatever happens.

Just to enlighten you, we did boycot last years xmas party. The affair became public at the beginning of November '08 and the war was raging in december so WE decided not to go as it could cause issues with job security and emotional states of mind.

However it did look like we were too ashamed/scared of attending, I down played it well, and managed to deflect most questions but obvisouly the thoughts were there. We're a year on now and still together and we just want everyone to realise how proud we are that we've survived.

Also the OW has made my wife out to be crazed psycho making up hurtful stores about her, so my wife has the ultimate insentive to behave, hence people seeing how nice and geniune she is and maybe reconsidering their own position on OW stories.

Can you compromise on this party thing?
Maybe agree to pop your head in and then go off for a nice dinner?
That would send the message to people that you could go to the party but spending quality time with your wife is more important to you.

Hello then, welcome to the madness....

Serisouly thank you for posting, it sounds like you are both in a VERY similar position to my wife and I.

I will post a more detailed recollection of my chat with Steve later but just posting quickly in between jobs at the moment.

Yes Steve explained that everyone has weaknesses but most people setup bounderies to protect themselves with or without knowing it. When this doesnt happen it leaves that individual wide open.

For example I have a weakness whereby Im a shoulder to cry on. I listen to people struggling with issues and then try to make them feel better. Ive done this on the internet a couple of times now and both times the OW has become attached at a dangerous level. Becuase I was meeting their EN's without any intention on my part. Trouble is during this process I didnt commmunicate this to my wife as I didnt see it coming. It started so harmless and by the time I realised how the OW was feeling I was to scared to tell my wife.

Now im aware of this my boundries are:

Not to be everyones listening ear, unless its a trusted friend, its sounds cold by my priority must be my family and not a stranger

To update my wife instantly of any contact with Women no matter how harmless.

Not to talk to anyone whos not a trusted friend about my family/personal life as it allows then to see my weaknesses.

Talk about my wife and family when meeting new people and even existing people to make them aware thats that what I am, A FAMILY MAN

Where possible introduce my wife and kids, say at work or to new friends, school mums etc.....


These are just quick examples but you get the idea. I still have the weakness but im making sure its not exposed, so no one knows I have it and I can live a weakness free life.

Once boundries are in place thats the ONLY way the BS will be guarenteed of no further issues.

Hope this helps somewhat, please post again, may I encourage you to also speak with my wife BrutallyHonest28 on here if you havent done so far. Also send your hubby my way if hes around.

We sound similar, your H and me in that we arent great with words. My first chat with W went badly last night regarding above issue.

Speak soon

Hmm I like the idea but would it not look like we turned up saw her got scared and left??

Ok peeps need a focus adjustment. Having spoken with Steve 3 days ago, had chat with W that night but it didnt go at all well. Because im a nervous, timid and for last few years - pesimistic person, I didnt talk with conviction, make my realisations seem truthful and just generally didnt make her feel in anyway confident I had started to understand.

Now this is something im trying to address but basically my issue now is, we have booked another appointment with Steve for Wednesday evening (GMT), that parts fine. We both have our questions to ask him. In the meantime I've commited to helping my poor neglected W with some serious 'love bank' work. Basically I have three days to make her feel like its worth carrying on, and that I do want to be here for right reasons.

Now while working on owning, empathising etc is alright for me - I am making progress, especially considering my usual record, EN's is a completely different kettle of fish, im not so good at!

Im asking you guys to hold back on your views of xmas party, working on marriage etc...

I need advice people Think 28 year old, VERY low self-esteem, VERY low self-worth, feels unwanted/discarded/unloved, Shes very emotional and prefers personal meaningful gestures rather than huge trips etc.... Money isnt important to her, meaning is...

Any ideas would be most welcome/appreciated

I need a big push now and need to use ALL my resources to really make an impact on the empty love bank.

Thanks for being here

Hi - Your wife has posted on my thread many times, and I hers. Even though we only communicate through this forum, I can see what a great person she is and consider her a friend. I am in plan B, trying to work on myself and protect my heart, but still hoping my husband will come to his senses.

I wish my WH were trying and commited and you are, that would go a long way with me. I can tell you what I would appreciate from him.

Small token of love - well thought out gift (not expensive) something that I knew came from his heart and not just a peace offering - maybe inspirational jewelry? Silver of course, not gold.

Genuine effort to spend time with me alone - walks ( hold my hand), inexpensive dinner or something that I love to do that maybe he doesn't so much - good movie? - I LOVED Julie/Julia.

Cook dinner for me with kids out of the house. Light candles, make me a bath.

Tell me over and over that he loves me, make me feel loved. Tell my kids he loves me.

Only speaking for what would help for me. Hope this helps.

Hellloooo

Have a few suggestions for you:

BrutallyHonest if you're reading hear, don't reveal the box - go away

Hi CG, Ive seen your thread and can understand why yourself and my wife would be close. I hope your WH comes round to his senses and tries to make things work between the two of you.

I think whats frustrating me is that I always feel like a moron that im not able to please my wife emotionally, but the more I research and the more people post on here the more I feel normal?? All the things you've posted above are things I would do, but not what shes looking for??!?

When refering to the A I've always said that I liked the fact that OW was just happy to have me around and would have bitten my fingers of to have the above - admitidly thats probably because she didnt deserve to have me AT ALL so of course she was happy for any attention - but my point is, am I THAT abnormal if I would do above to show my love to someone???

Any back to scouting web for ideas........

LOLOLOLOL firstly you are too funny ST. I showed my wife and she was laughing too hard lol You totally have her sussed lol.

Anyway down to business.....

AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! read my response to CG above. Samething. I DO these things and yet she says I 'dont get her' and should do more/other things.

Im going to give an example that she gave yesterday (so posting on here won't ruin it). Hopefully by posting this you maybe able to understand her a little better??

As stated earlier she has very low self esteem. She said if I was to buy her some bedroom lingerie she would feel sexy as I chose them to suite her body. Compared to something she already has.

Dont know if this helps, but thanks for trying to help...