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Thought I would give a recap, since I feel weird posting on here talking to other people who may not know or remember my story. I'm going to make it short, because I really don't want to revisit any of this stuff too much.

I am a FWW and FBS. My H was involved in a 10-year EA with his ex-girlfriend that began 1 week after our wedding. He finally came clean and broke it off. Three years later, I had a PA with a man I met in my MFA program. My A lasted for 6 months. I finally decided that I wanted to give my M a fighting chance, and 2 weeks later, I discovered that I was pregnant with OM's baby.

OM is not a part of our lives. We have been completely NC since early Sept. He has never seen OC and does not want to. My H is on the birth certificate. We love our daughter very much and my H considers her his in every way except for the DNA. OC is now 13 months old and is an absolute joy. She is living proof that good things can come from bad situations.

I wouldn't do my A over again for all the money in the world, but I couldn't imagine life without my precious daughter.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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You could say I'm an oldie from days gone by.
I found out about OW/coming OC 8+ years ago.
H and I stayed together just as you and your H have.
We have custody of OC and have had NC from OW for the past 3 & a half years.
This little girl is every bit my daughter as your daughter is every bit your husband's.
DNA may determine eye color, hair color, etc... but it does not determine LOVE.
I would die for my daughter. Just as I would die for my son or this new baby growing within me.
I fully understand your meaning about not imagining your life without your daughter. I cannot imagine my life without my Lil Bit.

I applaud your continued strength in this situation. Lord knows that it can get overwhelming at times. I remember feeling that it would never end, that I would never get to a place that I didn't think about it all the time. But that time did come for me.

I'll be coming by more often to try to lend some of what I have experienced these past few years...
so, PLEASE keep posting so I can get to know you better.

Staci



God will lead you to
No waters He cannot part;
No brink He cannot cross;
No pain He cannot bear.
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writer1 Offline OP
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Thank you Staci. And congrats on your wonderful news!


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer,

I wanted to ask you how you and your H were planning to deal with the time when the OC will be the only child at home. It seems like you two will be tied down with a very small child when you would otherwise be enjoying a time with no children and relative youth.

I'm just asking because I think your H could grow to resent that. Also have you really only been NC since September of this year or is that a typo? That is a super short period to claim recovery.







Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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Writer, I don't really read here because I have never been in this sitch. But I just wanted to say I applaud you and your husband. You have BOTH been through so much, and you remain in love with each other, committed to your family, and seemingly unfettered with the bitterness that it would be so easy to have. I really think it's inspiring. And I applaud your H for seeing a child as a child and not levereage or a source of anger. Your story really is amazing. I think it can help a lot of people.

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writer1 Offline OP
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Thanks lurioosi. I needed that this morning. I'm actually contemplating writing a memoir about my experiences with A from three different perspectives - as an OC, as a BS, and as a FWW. It's on hold for now until I finish the novel that I'm working on, but it is something I would like to do someday.

6yearsleft: I've given a lot of thought to what it will be like when it is just me, my H, and the baby. Of course, our 15-year-old son has very bad ADHD and other problems, so I don't see him leaving home anytime soon, though being able to live independently is a goal that we have for him at some point. My H and I have talked about this a lot, and honestly, he seems to feel no resentment over the matter at all. I guess you would have to know my H to fully understand this. He loves kids. He loves them so much that he's going back to school to become a teacher. And he truly loves our daughter, and she is OUR daughter, in every way except for the DNA. He's truly wrapped around her adorable little pinky. Plus, she's such an easy-going kid that having her around doesn't really feel like being tied-down. And, she has lots of older siblings (two of them are adults) who love to take her places and do things with her.

As far as the NC goes, yes, it has only been 2 months. Prior to that time, the only contact with OM was sending him email updates every time she had a doctor's appointment. I haven't actually seen the OM since I graduated from my MFA program a year and a half ago. He's never seen the baby. He was kind of on the fence about being a part of her life, so until Sept., I was sending the updates - about once every two months. He finally decided that it simply wasn't feasible for him to remain a part of her life, since he lives 3000 miles away, so we all agreed that NC would be in everyone's best interest.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Aug 2008
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Hi Writer,

I take it from the contact that your H knew and approved of the contact. Probably would have been even better if he had sent the messages. Keep an eye on the resentment thing.

I'm sorry to hear about the ADHD. All of my kids are healthy and progressing but as a father (and grandfather) I can imagine how hard it is to see them struggle.



Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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writer1 Offline OP
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If I had it to do over again, I would have let my H handle all contact. He did know about it. I only found MB in August, and before that, it really didn't occur to me that I could have NC when there was an OC involved. Live and learn.

My older son has struggled a lot, right from the very beginning. The hardest part is, he is actually very bright. His behavior just gets in the way a lot. We've tried many different meds, and they have their good and bad points. We're going to a new psychologist next month, so I am hopeful. We're going to have him reassessed, because his school counselor thinks there might be more going on than just the ADHD, which I have long suspected.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Oct 2009
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Hi writer,

I would like to applaude your husband also after hearing your story it gives me strength and hope because i love kids also and i did not know how i would be able to handle my situation, i knew that i would never do anything to hurt the well being of the OC in my situation but i have questioned the ability to love it as i do my own, or i fear that I might subconciously treat it unfairly. I was curious to know do your friends and family know that the OC is not your husbands biological child and how has the worked out? At first my WW and I talked about raising OC as our own and not telling anyone about the situation and i think about when people come up and talk about OC and say "he looks just like you or he has your eyes" the thought really irritates me and i don't know if i could keep a straight face and i would want to say no he doesn't. Again i just want to say tell your husband thank you because it makes me feel like it is ok to try to work this out because i know most men would leave when they found out about the A let alone try to stick it out when there is another mans baby in the situaton

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writer1 Offline OP
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I think you are right in that most men would leave. I am very fortunate that my H did not. He really is an extraordinary man.

Both of our families know the truth about our OC's biological father. So do most of our close friends. There are many casual friends and acquaintances that do not know, of course. It's not like every time we meet someone, we introduce the baby as our OC. I'm sure, as she gets older, there will be a lot of new people who come into our lives who will not know, because the subject just doesn't come up anymore, and there really isn't a need to bring it up. Our families knew about my A, and they also knew about my H's vasectomy, so not telling them really wasn't an option.

We have gotten a few comments from strangers about how our OC looks just like our older son (who could be my H's clone) or about how she has my H's eyes (my H and the baby have blue eyes and I have brown). It doesn't seem to bother my H. He doesn't seem to feel it necessary to point out to everyone that she couldn't possibly look like him, since she isn't his biological child.

These issues have a way of seeming less important as time goes on. Right now, this is all very new to you, so it's understandable that you are grappling with these questions. I know that not every man can accept a child as his own under these circumstances, but my H has done a remarkable job of it.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Oct 2009
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I think everyone knows about my vasectomy but no one knows about her A and i know that it would add that much more stress to our situation because our relationship has never really had much support many people have thought that we should not be together and we have proven them wrong this far although it has not been easy. I know that with myself trying to find the strength to get through this, having those which i consider close to me telling me "i told you so" or that i should leave is not going to help any because it would make me feel like they are right or that it is ok to leave.

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Hi Writer,

I didn't want to thread jack over on the other thread but I did have a question for you. You mentioned that your H had a 10 year EA starting as soon as you go married and that you knew about this situation. I was wondering why you were willing to have so many children given the condition of your marriage.

Oh just one little thought for NNEDOFHELP. It is ok for you to terminate your marriage if the OC or the A is a deal breaker for you. It is absolutely wrong and immoral for you to do anything that will hurt the OC (with the exception of leaving since I don't think you have a positive obligation to a child conceived under these circumstances).



Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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writer1 Offline OP
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Let me clarify. My older 3 kids are mine from a previous (very bad) relationship. When I married my H, they were very young - 4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 18 mos. Their bio dad has not been in the picture for a very long time (violent, arrested for assault with a deadly weapon, threatening suicide). My H is really the only father they have ever known and they all consider him to be their dad. When my H and I got married, I was 3 months pregnant with his baby. We were in engaged before I got pregnant and had already set the wedding date, so that isn't why we got married. We actually only have one bio child together - our 15 y/o DS. The reason I didn't walk when I found out about my H's attachment to his ex-girlfriend 1 week after our wedding was because I was pregnant and couldn't even imagine raising 4 very young children by myself. I'm pretty sure that, had there been no COM's involved and I had found out about the ex-girlfriend as soon as I did after the wedding, that I would have left. The fact that our M never really had a solid foundation and got off to such a rocky start in the first place has definitely complicated matters. We don't really have that happier time to go back to. It has been one of the most difficult aspects of trying to navigate this road to R.

And, yes, if NNEDOFHELP doesn't feel as though he can raise the OC or R his M because of his WW's A, then I agree that he has every right to walk away. That's a personal decision, and one that only he can make.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Wow Writer,

You H has committed himself to raising 4 children which are not his, one conceived during an A. I would not do that and I really love children, I seriously considered adopting my grandchild to raise as a single parent at 42.

Anyway, your H is doing a herculean thing for you and your children.


Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
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writer1 Offline OP
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6yearsleft: Agreed.

Okay, so I just about hurled up my breakfast. When we went NC with OM several months ago, he agreed to send a letter for the OC that my H and I could give her when she is old enough to know about the situation. He never sent the letter, so I asked my H to contact OM and request it again. My H emailed him with the request.

Now, just a few minutes ago, OM sent a response email saying that the letter would be in the mail in a few days. Problem is, he sent the email to my H and ME. UGH! What part of please don't ever contact me again is he having a hard time with??? There was a reason my H sent the email and asked OM to reply to him and not to me.

I know, I should have blocked his email on my account. He'd never tried to contact me before since sending the NC letter, so it didn't seem like a huge priority. My mistake there.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Your BH break's NC at your request for a letter that is pointless.

What do you think the OM can have to say?

I violated a marriage.

I use W1 to get laid because I was away from home for a short period of time and I was horny.

I was only interested in getting laid, knew I would be moving far away and didn't care to use protection because if W1 got knocked up I would be long gone.

I used W1.

I have no morals because I f'd up another's marriage, left you out of my life, and if the OMW found out: f'd up my own marriage, or I was so lucky that W1 or her BH were so foolish to not expose me so I got away with murder.

While getting away with murder I got away with not having to pay the cost to raise an OC or put in the time to be a dad to OC. Though I got laid many times for free by charming the pants off of W1.

Honestly no need for a letter you only have to tell your OC that you cheated on her dad. You and the OM did not care enough to use protection to prevent an OC that would never get to be raised in a family with both of her bio parents.

All you needed was contact info for the OM and his family to give OC when OC is old enough to understand and wants to contact OM.

You had been in contact during and after the pregnancy with the OM. Your behavior shows that you had the contact info, and the time to of gotten it. No need to break NC.

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Writer1

You maybe a great wife now.

Though you can't resist the drama.

What drama?

You can not maintain NC with the OM. Using your BH to contact the OM is just you being fogged up wayward mentality. You say you want the OM to leave you alone. But look for ways to justify breaking NC.

Then complain that the OM is breaking NC.

I think it was wise of the OM to CC you. This way he knows both you and the BH are in the loop. OM can't be accused of keeping secrets form either one of you.

He is making the effort to appear acting above board.

OM got to play you phyiscally and your BH financially and emotionally. Then get his life back all normal. He still has his family intact. You and BH got an OC.

I hope you make this marriage wortj it for your BH. To keep you he has to raise the OC.

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Well, I was hoping more along the lines of info such as names/birth dates/ages of children (OC's sisters), aunts, uncles, grandparents. Medical info. Genealogy. A little family history. Some ancestry information.

I am also an OC, and I don't even know my own nationality on my father's side of the family. That's stuff I would have liked to have known.

And actually, I don't have much contact info for OM either. I only know his email address. I don't know his home address or phone number. I don't have contact info for his daughters (OM is D).

And yes, I did have time to get the info from OM before NC was established. I just didn't have cooperation. I asked him for his blood type when I was pregnant because I am Rh negative and there could have been blood type compatibility problems with the baby if he were Rh positive. I still don't know his blood type, and OC is 13 months old. I had to get a series of shots before and after my pregnancy because I didn't know his blood type. It's not like I haven't been asking for all of this stuff for a very long time. I've just never gotten it.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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By the way, OM's M is not intact. He left his wife and daughters 3 weeks after our A began and never looked back. He has been divorced for almost 2 years and is now living with/engaged to someone else.

And no, I don't like the drama. I honestly just wanted the info for my DD. I want to be able to answer her questions honestly and accurately. I have been trying for a very long time to get this info. As an OC, I know how important this information will be for her in the future. I want her to have what I didn't have from my biological father - answers to the most basic questions about herself.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I don't know my dad's blood type...I never even thought of asking.

I cannot ask my bio dad any of it, nor would I prolly.

IMO you are making a mountain out of a molehill...

And I love the socks offa you...but I really and truly think this is not that big in the grand scheme of things.

Food, clothing, shelter, LOVE...that's what a child needs right now. Medical stuff...pah! You cross that bridge if you HAVE to come to it.


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